God rest ye merry hippogriffs
let all be gay today
For muggles praise their Holy Lord
on this, their Christmas day
But we smart gents, we wizard folk
We know - to our dismay
that sweet Mary was not a virgin
as the muggles say
no she bonked a stranger then lied to save face
.
Now Mary didn't like Joseph
she thought him old and grey
she liked a gent with a bit more packed
below the 'horse and hay'
a big-balled chap did catch her eye
and swept her loins away
and they shagged noon and night
all day, every day
yes they shagged a whole damn fortnight away
.
The stranger went along his way
and left Mary behind
a month passed and to her dismay
she was knocked up with child
to save her arse she made a farce
and to Joseph she lied
that the babe was of heaven
and that she was not defiled
so she became the virgin mother of God's line
.
Now Joseph and his wife Mary
they went to Bethlehem
her water broke, her husband choked
and then (and then, and then)
she birthed the lad among the hay
spread like she had for that man
and the boy was born amongst
the cattle and the lambs
yes he was born with the beef mutton and ham!
.
The stranger heard of Mary's tale
and knew just what it meant
so his friends and he jumped up, the three
followed where Mary went
they walked into the manger bare
with myrrh and frankincense
and they said they were wise men
from the orient
they spoke bullshit so they could meet the parents
.
Mary saw the man and paled
she feared what he would say
but he just smiled and blessed the child
and then just walked away
our very well-endowed stranger
- Merlin was his name -
he left the baby to sweet Mary's care
and to this day none knew that
Jesus was a wizard not a bloody saint!
.
So God rest ye merry hippogriffs
praise Jesus Christ today
for his miracles and his success
were due to him being a mage
'twas Merlin's son that caused the muggles
to leave their darkest age
so thank Merlin, Mary liked
a freaking massive - (hey!)
oh, the virgin mom liked to get wizard-laid!
xXx
Lily stared at the roll of parchment she'd found lying on the side table by the fire. The Gryffindor common room was empty bar her and a few mildly panicking NEWT students, the crackling flames and soft breathing the only sounds to distract her from what she was seeing. Before she could gather herself enough to do anything - laugh, burn the page, laugh as she burned the page - a familiar commotion sounded outside the portrait door.
Lily looked up to watch Sirius Black tumble into the room, followed so closely by James Potter that they crashed into each other and fell to the floor in a tangle of limbs and curses. Peter Pettigrew staggered through the entranceway, tripping on his own feet and landing on top of the pile of idiot in the middle of the floor. From the squeaking whimper, he landed on something delicate. Finally Remus Lupin - in a manner so bizarrely graceful that had Lily not seen it before she'd have gaped - slipped through the portrait, closing it behind him and rolling his eyes as he neatly stepped over the writhing mass of his idiot friends with a single gangly stride.
As they untangled arms and legs, Lily heard Black and Potter arguing. Their voices were too muffled for her to make out, so she instead smiled at Remus, who grinned shamelessly back as he loped towards her and fell into a chair by the fire, eyes scanning the room in a way that wasn't quite casual enough.
"- can't have gotten far!"
"S'not the point, Wormtail! The point is this git left it lying around in the first place! Who knows who could've spotted it, or worse; handed it to McGonagall!"
"Ah relax, Jimbo, dear ol' Minnie would've had us in her office, shouting herself blue in the face by now if it had gotten into her grasp. It'll be right here, where I left it, no harm done. Trust me!"
"Not sure anyone should trust you with anything more complicated than a rubber ball, Black," Lily remarked dryly. The idiots finally pulled apart and staggered to their feet as Remus roared with laughter at Lily's quip. Peter looked nervous but happy to see her, returning her wave, whilst Black just smirked and inclined his head in Lily's general direction, as if approving of her wit. Potter nearly fell over again in his rush to smile goofily at Lily, looking like a puppy whose master had come home after a long day.
"Lily! So good to see you! Enjoying the break so far?"
"Yes Potter, I am," Lily rolled her eyes at the wagging tail she could practically see behind Potter's earnest face. "In fact, I was just doing some festive season reading."
With that, Lily held out the parchment, quietly enjoying the way Potter's face went from stupid grin to vaguely pale. She idly noticed that Black and Peter were snickering, and Remus looked just as smugly amused as he had when he entered the room. Potter began to stutter and fidget, trying in vain to explain himself and the parchment and just about anything else he thought Lily would disapprove of. It was adorable, in a terribly annoying sort of way.
"Oh relax, Potter. I thought it was funny," Lily finally put the poor moron out of his misery. Black and Peter stopped their giggling in favour of watching her in interest as Potter spluttered to a halt, staring at her in a weird sort of awe. Lily rolled her eyes and tossed the parchment to Remus, whose eyes were practically glittering with suppressed laughter.
"R-really?" Potter squeaked. Lily nodded, rolling her eyes at the now wickedly grinning Black and excitedly bouncing Peter.
"Yes, Potter, really. It's quite clever, the way you four have spun muggle and magical legend together, managing to insult everybody all at once. Bravo."
Potter laughed - Lily wasn't sure if it was in relief, or at her words, nor did she much care. Potter laughing like that was remarkably sweet. It wasn't the obnoxious way he laughed with his quidditch teammates, nor was it the cruel way he laughed about pranks or at Severus. Instead it was light and open, pure delight. Lily shook her head and gestured to the page in Remus' grip.
"What do you plan to do with it?" she asked. She shouldn't, really. Prefects were duty bound to report this sort of behaviour, and if Remus wasn't going to do it - and he never did - then Lily would have to pick up the slack.
But it was Christmas, and Lily wanted to forget her latest fight with Severus and focus on something reckless and fun. So she leaned forward and listened to Black and Potter's latest dumb plan, grinning wider and wider as they went. By the time they finished, she was giggling, and more excited than she could ever remember being. If this heady mix of happiness and thrill at evading capture was what they felt all the time, no wonder Black and Potter caused so much trouble.
"I'm in," Lily spoke up once they'd finished explaining. She enjoyed the shocked silence that inspired, leaning back with a smug little smile. Remus was the first to react, snorting and shaking his head. That seemed to break the dam, because soon enough Peter,
and Black were exclaiming about it and the prank and Lily and cheese and just about anything else they could come up with.
Potter looked like he'd been slapped with a fish.
"You're what?" he managed at last. Lily sighed.
"I'm in. It's a good plan, but in order to pull it off you're gonna need an extra pair of hands - unless you know of a reindeer that has opposable thumbs? I'll spell your nose red and help smuggle you to the Great Hall while Black and Peter get ready and Remus goes to the House Elves. Then I'll run interference while you guys get set up."
Potter stared at her, utterly gobsmacked. Lily enjoyed the look on his face while it lasted. Black and Peter had, by this point, moved on from exclaiming about her to just plain shouting nonsense at each other, while Remus seemed a strange combination of amused and proud. Lily raised an eyebrow.
"Well?"
"AND FURTHERMORE I REJECT YOUR STATEMENT ABOUT FROGS-"
"Shut up, Sirius," Remus whacked his friend on the back of the head as Potter finally pulled himself together and beamed at Lily in a sickeningly sweet manner.
"I knew you'd warm up to me sooner or later, Lily!" he crowed. Lily just sighed. "Of course you can help, your ideas are brilliant! Not sure we could do it without you, to be honest. Now, how are you going to make the colour change spell work on a living creature's nose, and make it glow?"
Lily grinned and leaned forward again, plotting out her first prank with a group of childish, immature, yet strangely likeable, new friends that she honestly thought she'd never get along with.
'Ah, well,' she thought, watching Potter's whole face light up with an excited passion she'd never seen before. 'Christmas is a time of forgiveness and peace, after all.'
xXx
AN ~
Merry Christmas, one and all!
I know it's a day or so late, but I thought I'd hop on the festive bandwagon with a not-so-traditional Christmas Carol. I'm fairly certain Remus came up with most of it.
The prank itself I'm hoping to use in a different marauders-era story I've come up with recently. It might not include Lily, but it will definitely pop up in that fic, so keep an eye out!
Wishing you all a very festive and joyous holiday, filled with love and laughter and full bellies!
Until next time,
Zanchev