The Darkness Behind my I's: an iCarly story.
By Cole Petano
iCarly woke as she always did: from a state that can no longer be called sleep. She turned to her iCarly iAtomic iClock in the bottom right corner of the screen and stared blearily at the number. 6:66. A time that didn't exist. A time before time.
"Fucking shit." She said "I'm still alive."
She got out of her iCarly iWill iSurvive iCapsule and walked into the bathroom where she knew she would get about seven and a half minutes of shower time before she was interrupted just as she had been every day for the last thousand years. The censors blurred out her iCarly iNipples and also her vagina, but she moved them aside. It wasn't like anyone was still using the internet. She wanted to see her body in the mirror. The script usually didn't allow her time to examine herself as a woman.
"I wonder if I still age" iCarly said to the audience that might or might not still be there. "are you masturbating to this?" that's the only reason why any of you would be here at all right? You want to see me naked? That's what the internet was for anyway. Porn. There was a whole song about it. Papa Franku wrote one too. I wonder if he's still alive." Se dug her nails into her wrist and watched the blood well up into the space of her cuticles and drip down into the sink. The censors covered that too, but she didn't mind. The pain was more important that the sight. The fleeting feeling that she could one day do it. That one day she could finally die. the shower turned on without her having to step into it. She was late. She didn't iGive a fuck.
Right on schedule the iCarly copyright character iSam burst into the bathroom. "Hey iCarly it is me Sam" said the thing. "omg ur naked."
"Get the fuck out you fat cunt I'm trying to feel the cold embrace of death."
"Well if you insist I guess I will shower with you lol I am Sam."
"Lets just get this over with. I was supposed to be in the shower already."
"Wow iCarly you sure are washing that naked body of yours." It said looking off to the side of where iCarly was actually standing. The datawraiths weren't able to process fully understand when iCarly went off script. Not except for one.
"yeah yeah, lets get this over with before Spencer gets here."
"Wow ICarly you sure are washing that naked body of yours."
ICarly stepped into the shower and was followed by the datawraith. Its cold unnatural skin began to feel her boobies as she showered. When it moved its writs and finger joints the plastic pinched as it slid across her nude goddamn baps. It ground its pelvis into iCarly's warm iButt as the both stood under the shower.
"yeah you iLike that you little iBitch."
"shut the fuck up sam."
ICarly washed her hair quickly and then let the datawraith finger her a little bit right in the pussy to blow off some steam. She was spending too long in the the shower.
"Let me fuckin go."
"yeah yu like it when iPut my fingee in ur clunge don't you Carly."
"You always get so poorly written as this goes on. Let me go bitch."
The datawraith shuddered for a moment and released its grasp in iCarly. It cocked its head to one side almost quizzically and looked at her with its lack of a face. "y-y-y-yeah you like it when I put my fingee in ur clunge don't you Carly."
iCarly smashed the wraith's head through the wall. "iSaid back off." The wraith looked down into the infinite black and white flashing abyss and tried to get back into the shower with her.
"Oh yeah your're so hot, lets bring your btother in he-he-he-he0100110-here"
"Don't talk about Spencer. Don't talk to me."
" iC-CC-Carlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"
iCarly walked out of the bathroom completely naked into the set of her apartment like with the elevator and shit. Her bloody wrist had mostly stopped oozing. Behind her she heard the distorted voice of her brother scream "did somebody order a large penis penis pizza? iBet you did little sister!" as he walked into the shower. Before iCarly had discovered that particular corner of her world, she had been completely unable to shower.
She walked into the ipartment and found a datawraith dopelganger of her younger self talking to a datawraith that she refused to look at.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Shrieked the dopelganger.
"Yes you totally should film a show for the internet" said the datawraith
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Shrieked the doplganger again.
ICarly took Fatherly Love from the corner of the room. It was a sculpture the real spencer had made back when their real father had abandoned them. It was just a baseball bat with a heart painted on it. She smashed the dopelganger in the head.
"AAAAAAaaaAaa101aAAAA01AAAaAAAAA." ICarly stared at the half broken head of her former iSelf with no emotion whatsoever, then with a grimace she took another swing and the dopelganger lay still. She took its clothes off, small as they were on her she stil wanted to cover herself.
"Carly."
iCArly didn't look up into the face of the other datawraith.
"Carly, listen to me."
"youre not real."
"iAm as real as you make me to be, Carly."
"iCan't know that for sure."
"iStill love you icarly."
"youre a hallucination."
"come to me carly. We can rule this place. A new world. The dream of a butterfly. We could be gods together, carly."
The datawraith stepped forward and took iCarly by the shoulders. Freddywraith, as always, had a lotus painted on his face. His clothes were still torn and bloodspattered from the skinwalker war, just as if he were freddy from the last time iCarly had seen him. At his side was his greatsword THOUGHTSLAYER, or at least, a cheap plastic imitation of all of those things. His mechanical doll hands rested in his hips. His perfect hair sprouted from his pink plastic head.
She looked at him sadly. He was so close to being who he used to be, but he was fake. Datawraiths cant speak like she was iMagining him to.
"I'm going to eBay." iCarly pushed past freddywraith and into the iPartment iLevator and pressed the button that brought her to the rest of the internet. the elevator lowered into a massive white chamber willed with colored lines of blue red and green connecting a variety of videos of cats. Aja Killian sat in the middle of the floor watching them and eating iCe cream out of the head of a datawraith of her boyfriend Bobby Pendragon. That Bird Thing from cyber chase was also there. Its voiced by gilbert gotfried. Digit. Its name is digit. Aja killian looked up when iCarly entered the room and said to digit "master, another one of the imposters has infiltrated the sanctum. Summon the delete."
"I'm real dicknuts"she showed Aja her bleeding arm.
"oh fuck"
"ye"
"iCarly, what the fuck are youre doing in the cat video room."
"iNeed to get to eBay."
"and I need you to fuck right off, you know you aren't allowed out of the parts of the internet that you and your asshole group made."
"the iTeam was one of the only cyber defenders during the war Aja, and we were the best. Better than you and your boyfriend's reality bug. You cant hack a skinwalker dipshit, its not a computer it's a skin."
"you never know until you try"
"iKnow that you suck."
"lets not make this a presidential debate" said digit the bird from cyper chace. "its been a long time iCarly. What have you learned in your iSolation."
"Lets not do the yoda shit, birdy. iWant out or the internosphere."
"Freedom, hmm. But is it the freedom to try or the freedom to fail that you seek." Digit from cyberchace stroked his bird chin. "Tell me iCarly. Have you ever died?"
"your riddles don't scare me bird."
"strange, because they scare me."
Aja piped up "hey assclowns youre eating up my cat video time."
"iWill make this brief." Said iCarly. "I don't care whats out there anymore, im going into eBay."
"holy fuck" said that bird guy. "no that's just suicide. You should totally pick a better way out than that."
iCarly bashed digit in the head with Father's Love and he fucking died. "Amazon burned, myspace is theirspace, looks like a scene out of hell, and i'M not taking a gamble with something like yahoo answers. Let me through to eBay. It's the last tab iHave open"
Aja killian looked at the dissolving pixels of Digit. "You asshole, you've killed the guardian!"
"somebody had to do it. He was voiced by gilbert fucking gotfried"
Just then there was a sound like a cd glitchy sound kinda. Digit emerged from a cat video holding a scythe. "In here it will take more than death to kill me, unlike you both I am a purely electronic entity. You both still have real bodies out there somewhere, but as long as there is electricity there is life."
"gross." Said iCarly
"why would you leave" said Aja Killian. In here we literally live in the moment, we achieve what zen monks only dream of. All of the worlds science is at our fingertips. We may live each second as if it were a thousand years, and after our bodies are gone we will live thousands more. Within this moment, this second, we have achieved what humans have only dreamed of. This place is our fucking philosophers stone. Get transhumanist bruh."
"well iAm kind of over it at this point. I'm tired of dealing with fucking datawraiths."
Just then like a bunch of datawraiths of icarly characters burst into the cat video room.
"FUCK" said digit. "WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED."
"ANUS!" swore aja killian. "Its iCarly, shes here to FUCKING DESRTOY US."
Freddywraith stepped up to the front of the crowd of datawraiths. "iCarly im here to fucking destroy you, you are the last key in my plan for the internoshpere."
"holy fuck did that thing just speak" said Aja killian
"Carly lets film a webshow" said a datawraith of the teacher from episode one.
Freddywraith pointed his sword at iCarly and all of the datawraiths swarmed up and around the walls towards iCarly and Digit and Ajakillian. Icarly readied her bat and digit swirled his scythe. Aja killian grabbed a cat video floating through the air and snapped it in half so that she could stab people with it. The teacher from episode one reached iCarly first and she smashed Father's Love into her head. The hollow plastic splintered into hundreds of pieces and shot lightning into the air. If iCarly hadn't been using a wooden bat she would have died. The teacher from episode one began to fall down, then caught itself. "what the-" said iCarly as the teacher's breasts began to whir and spin. The gurren lagan theme started playing. "THEY HAVE DRILLBOOBS" she yelled. Then a scythe sheared through the teacher from episode one and the lightning traveled up the scythe and into Digit, but he was already made of lightning.
Digit teleported with a little spark and kicked Freddywraith in the face so hard he flew through the wall and out into the endless void. "GET THE FUCK OUT" digit yelled like gilbert gotfried. "GET iCARLY OUT OF THE FUCKING INTERNET BEFORE THEY DESTROY US ALL."
"im not leaving you!" Aja yelled with tears streaming down her face. "this is the only place that I can watch cat videos!"
"I don't give a SHIT." Said Digit.
"But, im almost done with the last one!"
THOUGHTSLAYER appeared in Digit's chest. "oh." Said digit and he started to glitch out. "that's new."
The wraith of freddy ripped THOUGHTSLAYER out of the bird and kicked him to the ground. It looked eyelessly and iCarly and Aja. "you can always come with me willingly carly. It doesn't have to be like this. You can help me. You can atone for what you did to me" below him the datawraiths becan to eat Digit and he started screaming as they tore pixels off of him.
iCarly looked at Aja killian "We should get the fuck out of here"
So they got the fuck out of there. They both went to the weird section of youtube. Aja picked up a redhot knife that was going through random shit so that she could have a weapon. There they met monika. She was just kind of there.
"hey monika," said Aja. "what the fuck are you doing here."
"I was hiding, " said Monika "you haven't heard? The rest of the internosphere is being overrun. The only safe places left are the places where the strongest of the internosphere reside and also really weird niche places like this so actually it's a good bit if the internoshpere."
" well I mean that's fine but if youre in some really weird niche place like this wont you get like cornered when they come for you?"
"damn I hadn't considered that" said Monika. "theres like no links out of here except to more hot knife videos, and these hot knives aren't even as hot as my ass. Well I guess I better go where the most people are and try to hold out there."
"let us come with you" said iCarly. "We could use a hacker as skilled as you. Its me that they want. If we can get enough people together to get me to eBay I think I can get the datawraiths to stop attacking."
"oh man the internet without icarly, what the fuck would that be like."
"iDon't intend to stick around to find out" said iCarly
"good point"
The new trio went through about sections of hot knife youtube videos until they found a link to facebook and then they went to the winter leaves like a son in a parade official facebook page tm. There they found yoko ono, gear, the boss, david wong, Gary Oldman, the nostalgia critic, soldier 76 (but like with his grillmaster skin), wheatly (except in a fuckable human version instead of a testicle with an eye), and Fred. They were all standing in a circle around a rabbit in a red vest and jeans who was sitting cross legged on the floor. They were all yelling at him stuff like "let us through" and "get off the floor" and stuff. Around the rabbit were the piled up corpses of like a bunch of datawraiths.
"whos that" isaid iCarly
All the crowded together people turned around and looked at her. One of them in the back said "holy fuck its iCarly" quietly. It was Gary Oldman.
"I'm king kazma." Said the rabbit who was king kazma. The Champion.
"You mean one of the people who was created when the internosphere was founded?"
"yup, we all have titles starting with The and then just being like one word. Like the guardian, and the champion, and the fat."
"theres just a guy you call the fat?"
"yeah it's the numa numa guy. Anyway if you are here iCarly that must mean that the Guardian is dead" king kazma got up and brushed off his pants and big championship belt that he won in an arm wrestling contest with saitama, but it was like a digital one and saitama sucks at video games so that's why. "which means you guys killed him."
"yeah right as if we could do something like that." Said Aja killian. "right iCarly?" iCarly just stared at king kazma. Aja just stared at iCarly while she was staring at king kazma. Aja's panties got a little wet. "well whatever we totally didn't kill Digit" said Aja after like an awkwardly long pause.
"Okay I believe you immediately." said king kazma "but if youre looking to go further past this facebook page, im afraid its been closed off. Everyone from the real world's facebook profiles are becoming hostile datawraiths, so this is the last section im letting people go to.
"well we're going anyway."
"Hey' theres no need to fight" said grillmaster soldier 76.
"yeah several of us are looking to get a fighting force together we can all fight except for fuckable wheatley so like why don't we band together. Im sure if both king kazma and iCarly come with us we can beat the fuck out of whatever comes our way." Said gary Oldman.
"hey fuck you I can fight" said fuckable wheatley but then the boss snapped his fucking neck and nobody cared so he died.
Alright then let me just check the official winter leaves like a son in a parade facebook page for what we are supposed to do next." Said king kazma. He walked along the posts until he found the one with this story in it and then he read it and said "oh we're almost at the end, we just have to all decide to make our team and then look off dramatically towards the rest of facebook."
So they climbed up to where my name was which is Cole Petano because it was my facebook they were logged into and they all perched across my name and looked down into the endless abyss of facebook. Parts of it were on fire. Parts of it were completely abandoned like the filthy frank sector. While they were looking the old dnd page I used in highschool slid off into the datasea and sank to be eaten by the kraken.
"iKnow somewhere out there theres a place where we can be free of war." Said iCarly as the wind blew her ihair dramatically off to one side and the camera zoomed in. "whether it be the skinwalker war, the datawraiths we are about to make war against, or the war of just living every day. We will keep fighting until we reach that peace, that place where there is no more suffering. Where gods wont keep us down and random hordes of abominations wont try to fuck us up cause that seems to happen a lot in these stories."
"more like whordes am I right guys" said the nostalgia critic brandishing his lightgun
iCarly just sighed cause her fucking monologue was ruined. "fuck you you slut. Alright lets just go get the fuck out of here" said icarly. And they all jumped off of my name into the depths of facebook.
To be continued?