Skyrim's Guide to Irony

A Skyrim Fanfiction written by Jessica and John Bell

Hello, everyone! Thank you for choosing to read Skyrim's Guide to Irony. This story is about my husband's and my Skyrim characters. It is about two unlikely people, destined to join so that they can achieve a larger goal. There is adventure, fighting, and a bit of romance. :)

Now, I am writing the story, but since my husband's character Diablos is his own, he has helped me. He'll be putting in his POV for Diablos. I'd also like to give credit to the creators, editors, publishers, and other what-not of Skyrim. Without them, this story wouldn't have its backbone.

Summary: Diablos is one bad-ass Orc. He is the Harbinger of the Companions and General of the StormCloak army. A wearer of heavy armor, Diablos is known throughout Tamriel for wielding the Ancient War Axe, Wuuthrad. Ras'Nae is a lithe Khajit, lurking in the shadows as the Listener for the infamous Dark Brotherhood and leader of the Thieves Guild in Riften. She is a skilled assassin and none have survived her blade.

For years, Ras'Nae had been sending Dark Brotherhood members to kill Diablos, as a contract was put out for him. However, every member she had sent has been found dead and maimed. Finally, the beautiful Khajit dawns her Black Hand robes and sets out for the Orc. What she finds will change their worlds upside down. The two unlikely races join to achieve the ultimate goal: Diablos High King and Ras'Nae Night Queen.

Rated MA for violence, gore, language, and sexual content. WARNING: MAJOR SPOILER ALERTS! Without further ado, Skyrim's Guide to Irony.

=====}==o ..:::Chapter One: Ras'Nae:::.. o==={====

Enough was enough. I would no longer stand for it. The filthy Orc has killed the last of my Brotherhood siblings. As I stood in the main area of the DawnStar sanctuary, the rest of the Black Hand stood away from me, even Babette the child vampire. My tail lashed back and forth furiously as I looked at the body on our dining table. She was the newest recruit, Erin. A young wood elf who had found darkness in her heart. And here she lay, her head barely attached to her body, a deep gash across her chest and stomach. Her bowels were hanging out through the standard enchanted armor. However, what pissed me off the most was the note stuck to her chest with a dagger that read:

"Try again, Listener."

I gripped the dagger and ripped it from her chest, a spout of blood spraying into my face. I whirled on my siblings, fire in my ice eyes. "I will kill this disgusting creature if it is the last thing I do! No more shall we be killed off," I hissed, licking the blood from the dagger to seal my promise. The members began to cheer and Nazir stepped forward, a smile playing on his dark lips. He crossed his arms.

"Well done, Listener. Will you leave immediately?"

I bowed my head and walked briskly to my chambers. Opening the chest at the end of my large bed, I pulled out my Nightingale gear. This gear had better enchantments for sneaking, and it was the strongest bow I possessed at the current moment. I changed, Babette watching me from the corner with her red eyes.

"Yes," I asked her as pulled on the Armor. Her glittering eyes often sent chills down the other's spines but not mine. It only irritated me. As I pulled on the hood and fastened the cape around my neck, she stepped from the shadows. "I should warn you," Babette started. I felt the irritation rising in my belly. I often received "warnings" from the vampire child, and they normally always pissed me off. But, she was a senior member, here long before I, so I respected her to an extent. I faced her, staring down at her. "I have heard rumors that this Orc has a certain...charm about him with the ladies. Beware."

From beneath my hood I raised a brow, crossing my arms and dropping my hip. "Oh really," I asked, a bit of sarcasm seeping into my voice. "I should hardly worry about that. No man has tempted me into forgetting my duties so far." A small, coy smile graced Babette's lips. It only agitated me more. "Yes, so far." She turned and walked to my door. Pausing in the doorway, she looked back over her shoulder. "Oh, and don't get killed. We waited long for a Listener to be named before you. I don't think we could wait again." She left, closing the door behind her. I hissed, wanting to throw something, but I didn't. I valued my possessions.

Going to the kitchen, I grabbed a small satchel from a shelf and filled it with a few pieces of dried meat and an apple. Returning back to my room, I grabbed a couple of health potions from my cabinet, three lock picks, a small silver dagger, and some poison to dip my arrows in. Finally, I grabbed my Nightingale bow and quiver from the weapons rack and set off.

Following the back exit, I emerged into the brisk, cold air of Skyrim. The sun instantly blinded me after being down in the Sanctuary for a few hours. Once my eyes were able to adjust, I took stock of my surroundings. A click and a half away, a small herd of elk grazed lazily. On the nearby coast, I could hear Horker's bellowing at each other. Turning back to the elk herd, I drew my weapon and strung my bow, testing the string for any signs of wear or tear. Satisfied, I notched an arrow, crouched down, and zoned in on my prey. I chose the largest elk, who was a little farther out from the herd, watching for danger. I drew in a breath and released the shaft. It flew straight and true, straight into the large beast's heart. He fell with a wail, causing the rest of the herd to shoot off. I stood up, watching as a pack of black wolves instantly set upon my kill. I smirked. Before the wolves could get a bite, I loosed off three arrows back-to-back, and they fell as easily as their would-be meal.

Making note of the kills so I could inform Nazir later, I let out a loud hooting noise. I stood still for a few minutes, listening. Finally, I could hear the heavy thud of hooves beating on the ground. The Dark Brotherhood horse, Shadowmere, appeared from around the set of boulders concealing the hidden entrance. I smiled as I saw the beautiful stallion. His fur was dark as night and his eyes red as blood. The massive beast pranced over to me, steam bellowing from his nostrils as if he was filled with fire. I put my hand to his soft nose, and for a moment, I let myself be consumed by the smell of death that always seemed to follow him.

As if sensing the task ahead of us, Shadowmere threw back his magnificent head and let out a deathly cry. I smiled and couldn't hold back a chuckle. One could not ask for a better horse. He was ready to kill and never hesitated before sword or spell. Grabbing Shadowmere's mane, I leaped up onto his back, for he wore no saddle, and the dark horse took off. His hooves hit the ground faster than any normal equine, and we reached the previously Winterhold Imperial camp by dusk.

The camp was now ran by StormCloak soldiers. I dismounted Shadowmere a little ways from the base, since he tended to unsettle the common rabble. Lowering my hood, I walked up to the site, my hands out in the open. Immediately, I was stopped by a StormCloak soldier holding a readied bow. From the smell of him, he had been drinking heavily.

"S-stop right, hiccup, there! State yer name and yer, hiccup, purpose, cat!"

I ignored the comment, even though my tail flicked in annoyance. "My name is Astrid," I stated, using the late traitorous leader of the Brotherhood. "I am only passing through, but I am looking for a man, an Orc to be specific. You should know of him, since he is your General. Diablos?"

The man lowered his bow to waist length as he swayed slightly. "Astrid, eh? Not the usual name for a cat!" My jaw tensed, but I kept my mouth shut. "But, what business do ye have with the great Diablos?" Remembering Babette's warning, I said, "well, sir. I hate to admit this, but I am a courtesan of Diablos. When he last visited my home, he left a priceless gem, and I wish to return it to him so I'm not labeled a thief."

He chuckled at this. "Aye, the bastard always gets the women, all though I didn't know he went for pussy cat!" A soft warning growl left my throat, but thankfully the fool was too drunk or too stupid to hear it. "Well, lass. Last I heard, Diablos was in the Dwarven city, Alftand. Although, that's no place for a lass, even a cat like you."

I closed my eyes at his statement. I had gotten all I could out of him. I also wanted his blood. Putting on my prettiest smile, I stepped forward, wrapping my tail around his waist. "Would you like to see why I'm one of General Diablos' favorites?" The man stared at me for a moment, and then grinned from ear to ear. "I've never seen a cat naked before." I let out a growl that thankfully sounded more like a purr. "I'll show you."

I drew him away from the camp, near Shadowmere. The horse grew incredibly restless and instantly, the man was afraid of the dark beast. "What's wrong with yer horse," he said, backing up. "Sssh," I said softly. "He won't hurt you." I slid behind the man, my voice a silky purr in his ear. He sighed, melting against my soft touch along his neck. My free hand drew the dagger from my satchel. I covered his mouth quickly and then slit his throat. The blood sprayed out over Shadowmere. He reared up, screaming excitedly. I began to laugh as I let his body slump to the ground. He stared up at me, blood pouring from the beautiful gash across his throat. His eyes began glaze as he gurgled, and then as quickly as it had been done, it ended. That was the shame about death. It always seemed to come before I could get my full enjoyment out of it.

Humming softly, I wiped off my dagger on the front of his uniform and began to go through his belongings. I found a pretty silver ring, a necklace with a health enchantment, and a small coin purse of twenty gold. As I counted out the coin in my hand, Shadowmere let out a warning cry. I looked up quickly and cursed. The soldier's companions were beginning to look for him. I could see their blasted torches bobbing in the dark. Gathering my things, I quickly pulled him to a bush where he would be concealed until I could make my escape. Leaping on Shadowmere, we set off at full sprint, making a wide berth of the search party. Almost a click away, I could hear the warning horns as they discovered the body. I grinned. They would never know who had murdered their poor, drunken friend.

As soon as I felt that we were far enough away, I slowed Shadowmere down to a steady gait. He tossed his head happily as we made our way. He would bring us to where our contract was. He always did. I began to let my mind stray as I thought back over the past few years. I came to Skyrim as a young girl of eighteen. Unfortunately, I had ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. The disgusting Imperials had tried to charge me with being a StormCloak. It was ridiculous, but a dragon had saved me. Well, burned down the little town, eating the guards, roasting the citizens. It was my first official confrontation of death. Instead of being horrified, I had been oddly fascinated. After that, it was over the next year that I had joined the Thieves Guild. In a matter of six months, I rose through the ranks and became leader. Now, I let my most trusted advisers run the Guild because for a little less than four years, I had been busy rebuilding the Dark Brotherhood from the mess that Astrid had left it in. Ah, it seemed like only yesterday that I had been named the Listener...

Shadowmere stopped, jolting me from my thoughts. I looked ahead of me to see Alftand, looming up in the darkness. Shadowmere walked up quietly to the side of the mountain. I dismounted him, looking around to find the quickest way up. I swiftly began to climb the side of the mountain. Thanks to my nimble body, I was able to reach the top ledge in no time. As I pulled myself over the edge, I gasped. In front of me was three snowy saber cats, slaughtered and butchered. Blood covered the area and not to far off, I could see a couple of wolves in the same condition. The sign of Diablos. I drew my bow and kept to a crouch as I entered Alftand. Like outside, I was instantly greeted by death. For a moment, I could enjoy the butchery of Diablos. He liked to chop his enemies, making sure they were maimed and disfigured so they could never get up again. Lots of blood and gore. I drew a deep breath as the scent of blood filled me. Ah, delicious.

I looked down at my feet and could see the deep print of one who wears heavy armor. Yes, it was definitely Diablos. It was no secret that the man would only wear heavy armor made of the strongest materials. Carefully, I walked through the Dwarven city, following the trail of dead bodies. It wasn't long before I could hear the sounds of battle. Creeping up to a corner, I peeked around into a long corridor. On either side of the Orc were Dwarven Centurions, ready to attack. To the common onlooker, he would look overwhelmed. However, I knew better. Diablos wasn't one to be bested as easily as a couple of Centurions. Not the Orc who had taken down four Elder Dragons and lived with hardly a scratch. Studying the murderer of my Dark siblings, I wasn't impressed...much. He wore armor made of the Dragons he killed. He wielded the legendary War Axe Wuuthrad. He wasn't as green as the others of his race, nor did his mandibles stick out as grotesquely. What caught my eye however was the color of his eyes. Ice blue, like mine. Never had I seen an Orc with such beautiful eyes…

I growled softly in annoyance. My mind had strayed far to easily. Here was my contract. Here was my kill, and I was thinking of his eyes? I pulled an arrow from my quiver and retrieved the poison from my satchel. It was potent, but had one drawback. Unless the arrow head burrowed deep into skin, it would only paralyze the target. My mark must be true. I lathered up the head with the thick salve, corked the tiny flask, and then drew my bow. I aimed for the exposed skin of his neck. It wasn't much but if I had patience, then I wouldn't miss. I inhaled and time seemed to slow. He was in the middle of killing the final Dwarven Centurion, the other automaton having been felled with one swing of his axe. Seconds ticked by like minutes. Finally, when I felt my lungs were about to burst, I released the shaft. It flew straight and true. Just as Diablos butchered his target, the arrow hit. He staggered with a loud gurgle. Shock was clearly written across his face. Who could have shot an arrow at him so precisely at his only weak spot? I stepped around the corner so that he could see his murderer, all the while pulling my hood off…and cursed. The arrow hadn't hit. From his neck poured blood, but only from a scratch. Diablos' body locked up then, and he fell to the side. His War Axe hit the ground with a loud clang. Hissing, I drew my dagger and walked swiftly to the fallen "hero". Standing over him, I could see his eyes lock onto mine. Those damned eyes. My dagger was inches from his throat, but I couldn't draw it across the thick muscle. For what seemed forever, I stood crouched over him, my hand shaking as I fought my urge to not kill him. Eventually, I lost. Instead, I threw off his helmet and hit him as hard as I could in the temple with the handle of my blade. It took another two hits, but finally I was able to render him unconscious. Fucking brute.

=====}==o

So, there you have it. Chapter 1. J

I would just like to say that I do not have internet. I have to drive into town and use the library to post my chapters. With that said, I will try to post at least two to three chapters at a time, and I'll TRY to post weekly. No guarantees though, because my husband has a job with a lot of hours, and he's like my editor. Plus, he's responsible for all of Diablos' actions for the most part…

Anyways! I hope you all liked it. We definitely enjoyed writing the first chapter. J We would love it if you gave us your honest opinions and reviewed. We are open to suggestions, questions, and comments, no matter how big, bad, or small. I hope everyone has a wonderful day/evening/and or night. Thanks again for reading!