Disclaimer: The characters you recognise from the books are obviously not mine. I'm not making any money here either. Wouldn't that be nice...
A/N: I appreciate constructive criticism, but if you absolutely hate this story, please refrain from telling me so without pointing out what you would do better.
Since this is a parody, it goes without saying that it is not to be taken too seriously. I know that there are only so many different scenarios - and I've read many very well written stories that used the most clichéd settings - but I find those quite funny nonetheless.
I'm trying to weave as many cliché situations as possible into this story (a truly tricky undertaking), so if you think I forgot something, please let me know.With that said, enjoy :-)
Prologue
One fine day
There she was. On a friday afternoon. The weather was heavenly, but of course, she had to sit around inside.
And of course, that was due to Harry Potter and his friends. Was there ever any mayhem in this school without it somehow relating to Harry Potter? Since this boy had come to Hogwarts he had managed to get himself in trouble at least once a year. The boy was too adventurous for his own good.
Minerva McGonagall shook her head to herself. Well, like father, like son.
Even so, she couldn't stop the small smile that was tugging at the edges of her mouth as she watched Potter and Weasley duck from Hermione Granger's angry glares and setting to work on removing the mess that the second years had produced in this classroom this morning.
Minerva McGonagall's smile widened. This punishment was indeed adequate. The sight before her was at least a little compensation for the otherwise wasted afternoon. Severus must have guessed how she would react to being informed that she would have to supervise a group of ten delinquents this weekend. That must also be the reason why he had declined to oversee the punishment himself. It couldn't be because he wanted to enjoy the nice day outside instead, at any rate.
"Professor McGongall?"
She adopted a serious expression and turned to Hermione Granger. "Yes, Ms Granger?"
"Are we doing this wrong? You were frowning..."
"No. Go on." She waved in the direction of the basket of carnivorous cacti they had to transfigure back into hedgehogs. Some of the plants were running around rather fast considering their short legs. And these were the less annoying results of the second years' practice this morning.
From the corner of her eye she noticed that Hermione
Granger was still watching her, as if trying to read her mind.
Sometimes it was downright scary how perceptive this girl
was.
Minerva McGonagall turned to the window and watched the
people happily milling about outside. When she was positive that all
her students were working again, she allowed herself a grin.
Maybe it had not been the wrong decision to become a teacher. Sometimes the students were really getting on her nerves, but as she stood there she suddenly noticed that days like this made up for all the stresses and strains. Actually, the reason why she was here today was so absurd that it was funny.
The story Potter and his friends had
told her was absolutely ridiculous, and to be perfectly honest she
still wasn't sure what to think of it.
How exactly Severus
had gotten involved was still rather unclear to her. However, as
amusing as the whole thing was, such behaviour of the students
couldn't be tolerated.
But it was a fact that she had hardly
ever laughed so hard. After they had all left her office, of
course.
"Professor, that thing tried to bite me!"
Minerva McGonagall rolled her eyes heavenwards before turning to the source of the wailing voice. Bite me, indeed. "If you had concentrated a little more, that would not have happened, Mr Malfoy." She silenced the inevitably following protest with a stern look. "Spare us your speeches. Hurry up, you still have a lot of work to do."
She decided to conveniently ignore all further mumblings and complaints.
If Severus weren't Severus, all this would
probably not have happened...
I must not forget to give him some
ginger bread this evening to show my gratitude...
Albus would be back at Hogwarts for dinner. Normally, she wasn't one to tell anecdotes at the dinner table, but in this case she was already looking forward to retelling everything in great detail, even if it would take some time. She turned back to the window.
This was really one fine day...
Chapter 1
Once more, with feeling
Our scene is set at King's Cross in London, because where else could a story start if not here? While in the Muggle half of the well-known train station everything was as usual - well, aside from a family that, considering the beautiful day, unduly seemed to be quite ill-humoured... An obese man who was incredibly red in the face was constantly fulminating about owls of all things and thereby attracting more than just a few curious stares, making him only angrier, a burly boy was pressing a hand against the left side of his face, screaming from the top of his lungs, and a bony, hysterical woman was trailing after them - but that is another story for another day...
Well, be that as it may, nothing was unusual on this peaceful day. The bees were buzzing, the birds were chirping, and a boy shoving a luggage cart loaded with an enormous trunk and a cage covered in a piece of cloth was in the process of walking through the wall between the platforms 9 and 10. This boy was not only sporting a scar on his forehead but also a big grin.
"Well done, Hedwig," he whispered, affectionately patting the snowy owl's head. The boy smiled lost in thought as he remembered the recent rage attack of his pet.
Just as he had nearly vanished through the wall and thought he had made it, he triggered a disastrous chain of events, starting with an untied shoelace that resulted in his stumbling whereupon he tried to catch himself by grabbing onto the cover of the owl's cage. To his own surprise he actually succeeded, but suddenly everything seemed to happen in slow motion. He watched the cloth as it got entangled in the wheels of the luggage cart, stopping it with a jar, causing the boy to collide with said luggage cart rather inelegantly, in turn overthrowing his trunk and the cage with a loud clanking noise. He tried to prevent the worst, desperately snatched trunk and cage and jumped forward in a not exactly graceful manner. That way he would at least be out of sight quickly. As he landed in a heap on platform 9 3/4 he could almost empathise with Uncle Vernon who was always in danger of having a heart attack for fear of being seen in an "abnormal" situation. But then again... no, maybe... not.
Right now he had better concentrate on his current
situation. What if someone had seen him? There would be a commotion,
the other students wouldn't be able to cross the barrier, the train
would have to wait for them, they would all be late for school... A
slow smile spread over his face. He would be a hero. They would throw
him a party. Ooh yes. His smile faded. And then he would be expelled.
And he didn't even have a good excuse. ‚Oh sorry, I attracted a little
attention when I fell over my own feet and stumbled through a wall?'
Just great. It wasn't enough that he was thought of as a hallucinating
egomaniac. He could already see the headlines. Harry Potter, the boy who was uncoordinated!
He listened intently, and his heart stopped. Through the barrier hushed
voices could be heard. A child seemed to be directly on the other side
of the wall, not three feet away.
"Muuummmm! Look! Look!" the girl screeched. "At the wall!"
Harry held his breath. And then released it.
"An Owl!"
"Of course, sweetie," someone answered, distracted.
Harry frowned. He almost felt a little insulted. Here he was, performing a rather brilliant stunt, and what captured this child's attention? "An owl..." he mimicked the girl grumpily. Scowling he got back on his feet and took in his surroundings.
King's Cross had been teeming with
chattering people and now the silence was overwhelming. Only subdued
buzzing could be heard through the barrier. The contrast was amazing.
Harry sighed and sat down on a bench. He just had to come half an hour
early, hadn't he? Not that he wasn't grateful to be away from the
Dursleys. They had agreed to take him to London just as readily as he
had asked for it, but half an hour
early! He had not even been finished cleaning Hedwig's cage when Dudley
had grunted that they had to leave or something along those lines.
Honestly. Sometimes he couldn't help but wonder if Dudley really
belonged to the human race. Maybe he was some kind of horrible
experiment gone awry that had somehow managed to escape after the
enforcement of the law against experimental breeding.
Harry made a face. Despite these rather disturbing thoughts he was determined not to let anything ruin his appetite. He would eat cupcakes later.
He frowned again as another thought occurred to him. Dudley had just pounded on his door and then, after his mission was completed, he had instantly vanished. It would have been exaggerated to say that his cousin respected his privacy as of late, but at least he seemed to be frightened of Harry since the whole Dementor-affair. Harry wouldn't have gone so far as to think that Dudley may be grateful for being rescued if possible. But the incident had definitely had one good side to it: the Dursleys left him mostly alone. Harry tried hard to suppress all cheerless thoughts and concentrated on the here and now.
The train was already there, but the doors were still closed. Nevertheless, he decided to give it a try and see if he could already board the train. He carefully looked around before pulling one of the doors open. Somehow he felt as if he was doing something illegal, even though that was ridiculous. Far and wide not a soul was to be seen. Apparently the doors were open. He got in and was just about to round a corner when he unexpectedly and painfully bumped into something. Seconds later he was lying on the floor. While he stood up to save at least a last shred of dignity, a shimmering powder trickled down on him. Before he knew it, it got in his nose and he had to sneeze repeatedly. He looked more closely at the something he had run into. Or rather the someone. It was a pudgy, bald man in uniform. Confused, he stared into the face of the equally surprised man. Harry assumed it must be the driver. He had never seen him before and often wondered if perhaps the Hogwarts-Express moved on its own.
"One of those impatient ones, huh?" Frowning the man shook his head. "Nobody gets in before I'm finished. Wait outside until you hear the signal to board." His further comments were limited to indistinct murmurings. "Wasted... overeager... clean up after them..."
Without another word to Harry he returned to doing whatever it was he had been doing previously. Harry just stood there, speechless, and blinked. Finally, he complied and de-boarded the train.
After he had been standing around,
irresolute, for some time he glanced at the station clock and decided
to sit down to begin with. The heat was stifling and slowly but surely
he was beginning to feel a little dizzy.
He took a deep breath and relished the calm...
Sooner than he had expected other students appeared little by little. Lunchtime was fast approaching and the temperature became unbearable. Suddenly a shadow was looming over him. He looked up.
"Harry!" Hermione squealed and threw herself around his neck. At least, he thought it was Hermione. He wasn't sure. He'd thought he had recognised her voice, but this couldn't possibly be her! All of a sudden he seemed to be overcome with something. The longer he looked at Hermione the more he felt as if all higher functions of his brain were inoperable. He felt a bit woozy, as if he was walking on cotton wool, and his primal instincts took control. He put on a confident, seductive smile, wondering were he suddenly got that skill, and eyed her from the tips of her hair to her endless legs and the painted nails of her toes.
Hermione giggled and blushed. Apparently, Hermione wasn't able to do anything but giggle today. She had drastically changed over the holidays. Her once bushy, brown, shoulder-length hair was now silky and sleek and reached her waist. And she was blond. Harry decided that he liked the change. But that wasn't all. Obviously, Hermione had decided to change her style of clothing along with her personality, in order to condignly accentuate the figure she hadn't had before the holidays. Never had Harry seen such a short skirt or tight top before. Hermione smiled a saccharine smile.
"Well, like it, Harry?"
"Hermione, is that you?"
Hermione giggled. "Of course, silly." she giggled again.
"I always thought you were a boring bookworm. What happened?" Harry asked. Hermione didn't seem to notice the rather blatant impoliteness this statement contained.
"Do you remember my cousin? The one from America? No? Oh, I suppose I never mentioned her. Oh right..." She giggled again. "I couldn't, I'd never heard of her either, until two weeks ago when she visited my family all of sudden. Well, she explained to me that my life is so boring, because I'm in the library most of the time. But that's going to change now, I'll make up for all the time I've lost and have so much fun! I missed out on so much! I just noticed how many cute guys are around in Hogwarts! I'm so glad I discovered that hair straightening spell, and it only took me six years to owl Lavender and just ask! With my new looks I'll finally have a chance with someone who is a little more attractive than Krum!"
She stared dreamily after Seamus Finnigan who happened to pass by.
"Anyway, my cousin enlightened me! She said that personality and intelligence are of no importance. To be successful I needed some racy clothes to begin with, that's why she took me on a shopping tour. Luckily, it's warm enough today for me to wear a midriff-bearing top, otherwise my piercing would be useless." She beamed at him and adjusted her top until it looked exactly like she wanted it to, which meant that her neck line was now considerably lower.
"So? What do you think?" She looked at him expectantly.
Harry inconspicuously wiped a bit of slobber from his chin. "You look great, Herm," he answered with an air of slippery charm, barely wondering anymore why he hadn't noticed his manly, breathy voice before. He had always thought that the changing of his voice lay well behind him, but this had certainly not been the result... And since when did he have a nickname for his best friend? But then again... his jaw had never dropped to the floor because of her either. Exactly. That must be it. But in his current condition these kind of thoughts were far too difficult for him anyway. He felt light-headed and exhilarated as his brain shut down once again. Strange...
Naturally, Hermione wasn't idle in the meantime and let her eyes roam over Harry appreciatively. Harry knew immediately what she was thinking. She seemed to notice that he had grown over the summer. The haggard schoolboy he had been before the holidays had become a muscular, manly... well... man. He was especially proud of his as usual messy, jet black hair that was falling into his eyes exceptionally casually today. Again, he smiled smugly (and wondered since when he was so good at that). Hermione looked deeply into his emerald green, sparkling eyes, as if she wanted to drown in them. Or maybe she was only trying to squint past the casually falling hair...
"You don't look so bad either," she said simpering.
Seemingly out of nowhere Draco Malfoy appeared. After ordering Crabbe and Goyle to vanish into thin air he marched right up to Hermione and whispered in his most seductive tone:
"Hey darling, are you new? I've never seen you here. A hot chick like you really shouldn't associate with losers like that."
With
that said he put an arm around her shoulder, and that was Hermione's
luck, because she suddenly found it difficult to breathe and she
blushed a deep scarlet.
Harry, too, was dumbfounded. Wow, THAT was Draco Malfoy? The ferret had
really cast its feathers. That is if rodents had feathers... Whatever.
Draco Malfoy was the epitome of a Greek god. His once pointy face had
given way to a striking, much more mature appearance. His silky,
loosely falling, angelic hair (never had Harry thought he would think
up such adjectives in relation to Malfoy of all people) was shimmering
in the sun and through his tight t-shirt his impressive upper arms were
clearly visible. Over the holidays he had obviously spontaneously
decided that muggle clothing would flatter his newly acquired figure
and was now making allowance for that realisation. Much to the chagrin
of his father who, judging by his cursing from the side of the scenery,
had not yet gotten over the fact that his only son and heir hadn't
shown up in robes but had rather decided to dishonour his family and
befoul his whole family tree.
How exactly could Draco's father even be here? He must have somehow
managed to escape the enforcement of his sentence last-minute.
Harry swallowed. And rightly, because Hermione, too, seemed to be done with her examination of this veela-like appearance and was now smiling. While Harry was still confused and jealous because of the hungry looks Hermione gave Malfoy, Draco Malfoy was already one step ahead. He linked arms with Hermione and guided her to the train.
"So, what did you over the summer?" Hermione began to make light conversation with her arch enemy.
"I've been training Quidditch, of course. Where else do you think I got these muscles if not from sitting on a piece of wood? So, who are you?"
Hermione giggled, much to the surprise of all. "But Malfoy, it's me, Hermione Granger."
Malfoy's jaw dropped. "No way!" But he regained his composure quickly. "Well, that doesn't matter, I suppose. The pure-blooded community doesn't object to purely physical relationships with inferiors. It was about time that you made use of your potential." And Malfoy pleasurably looked down Hermione's plunging neck line and admired her potential, all the while continuing to talk about himself.
Harry pinched himself. It seemed to work, he actually seemed to be able to think in whole sentences again, now that he was alone.
"HARRY!"
Harry turned around. Ron was running up to him, gasping.
"Bastard! Punch him!"
Harry frowned. Apparently, Ron was still having some problems with this whole-sentence-thing. Then he realised whom Ron was following.
"Ron! Wait up!"
But it was already too late.
A completely changed Ron was rushing past him. The looks the female part of the Hogwarts students gave him were designative. But these changes had also a downside as Ron soon found out. His broad, manly shoulders crashed into the door-frame as he tried to board the train, and he cursed before repositioning himself and boarding sideways.
Harry hurried to follow him. The first thing he saw when he reached the train was Hermione in a heartfelt embrace with Malfoy. Ron seemed paralysed.
"Smart choice to take me instead of them. You have perfect timing, Pansy was getting on my nerves anyway. I never really found her pug face attractive. Not since I've seen YOU at the Yule ball in fourth year."
"Oh Draco..." Hermione giggled. "You've always been so mean to me. How will I ever be able to believe that you're not just using me to get back at your father? After all I'm just a mudblood," Hermione argued.
"Hermione, darling, how can you think that?" Malfoy cried dramatically - and in radical contrast to the self assured tone, dripping with arrogance, he had just used a minute ago.
While Malfoy sank onto his knees in front of Hermione and grabbed her hands, Harry got a surreal feeling. Something was definitely wrong here. He looked down at himself. Why hadn't he noticed his extremely muscular chest and arms this morning when he had looked in the mirror? If he had known that, he surely would have given Uncle Vernon a very special good-bye.
Malfoy sighed, attracting Harry's attention again.
"I haven't seen you as nothing more than a mudblood for quite some time now. I've always admired you!" He scratched his head. "Well, since you rebelled against my tyranny in third year and slapped me, in any case. No one had ever dared do that before."
Harry gasped. He never would have deemed Malfoy the masochistic type.
Just
as Hermione sighed "Oh, Draco, I've always felt attracted to you.
You're the only one who is intellectually my equal. Ron is so... so...
simple minded in comparison...," the train lurched forward. Hermione
stumbled into Malfoy's conveniently outstretched, strong, exceedingly
manly, quidditch-steeled arms and together they gave the words
"passionate kiss" a new meaning while Ron, suddenly enraged again,
burst into the lovely scene and challenged Malfoy to a duel.
Hermione seemed to have lost the eloquence she had just regained again and did nothing but giggle.
The train began to jerk harder. In spite of the surreal feeling, the jerking seemed to be real.
"Harry! Malfoy... bash his face in...," he heard Ron grunt, as if through a loud swoosh, as Ron once again jumped Malfoy like a berserk. Funny, he didn't remember Ron as being quite so brute... Suddenly, Harry felt dazed as everything around him became dull and fuzzy.
"Harry!... Harry... (giggle)... (grunt)... Harry..."
The jerking turned to fierce shaking and Hermione looked concerned.
"Harry?" she asked, frowning.
"Harry!"
Harry startled and jumped up from the bench he had been sitting on. And screamed. How had he gotten here?
"Hermione? Your hair is brown!"
Hermione stared at him in a mix of confusion and concern.
"I'm glad you remember that. After all, we haven't seen each other for two months. What happened? You look as if..."
"I know," Harry replied bemusedly. "Strange, isn't it? I didn't notice the changes this morning either."
Hermione gave him a questioning look. "I just meant your jeans, they're completely torn at the knees. Did something happen?"
"Does Malfoy have anything to do with this? That bastard, if I..." Ron made his presence known.
Harry had a dim feeling of déjà-vu. He didn't answer Ron immediately, though, for he was preoccupied with something else.
"Did you change your clothes, Hermione? Weren't you wearing this tight..." Harry trailed off as the realisation hit him. Hermione blushed under Harry's scrutinising stare, and Ron, whom Harry had just now really noticed for the first time, looked slightly distempered. The red tips of his ears spoke volumes.
"Something wrong, Harry? Are you sure you're okay?" Hermione asked again.
She shook her brown curls out of her face. Brown. In contrast to her skin that wasn't tanned like it had been just a second ago. Hermione cleared her throat as she noticed Harry's gaze resting distinctly below her face.
Harry swallowed shaking his head and nodded in embarrassment.
"Umm. Yes. I'm okay, it's just... um, nothing."
Ron and Hermione seemed bemused. Now that everything was making sense to him, Harry felt obliged to avoid unnecessary trouble. "No, Ron, Malfoy didn't do anything with my jeans..." As soon as he had uttered those words he cringed, but Ron didn't seem to notice anything. All the better. "I just had a nightmare," he explained. "A very exhausting one..." he added when his friends still looked unconvinced. Shaking his head again he pulled himself together and got up. He still felt a little dizzy.
"I'll tell you everything later. Come on now, we have to find a compartment. We're the last ones out here. Do you think you could sit with me instead of the other prefects?" They had much to discuss, and not only some ridiculous dream. He needed to know what had been going on over the summer. Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance.
"Sure, but we have to stop by to get our instructions," Hermione assured him.
"And now, let's get in," Ron urged. "We really have to go now! My parents are over there." He groaned. "If you don't hurry up, Harry, mum will kiss you good-bye, too, and rest assured you really don't want that. She almost didn't let me go, she insisted to come with me and personally make sure we were all right. There she is, come on now! Honestly! I'm sixteen, and she still doesn't believe me when I say that I can find my may to the train on my own." Ron continued muttering grumpily as he remembered the embarrassing scene.
Hermione who had watched the incident between Ron and his mother earlier from a safe distance couldn't suppress a giggle. Harry flinched. He just hoped that this awkward feeling would vanish sometime soon.
When Ron finally noticed Hermione's barely contained chortling he promptly changed the topic. "Let's go over there, that compartment seems to be empty."
And so they did. Soon it should prove to be the wrong decision, but that didn't make the following train ride any less spectacular...