Selfish
By BlackBird
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters…I make no money…don't sue me, please.
Pairing: Albus/Severus
Rating: PG-13
WARNING: Light Albus/Severus slash. If you don't like it, don't read it. And certainly don't bother to review if you hated it.
I envy how you are able to lie there, sleeping so peacefully. When the night is at its darkest you sleep, sure that for the moment at least, you are safe. How I wish that were true. You are never safe around me. I, I am a very selfish man, Severus. Or perhaps not selfish enough.
You would be surprised to know how many times I have thought of sending you away. Away from here, away from me. To somewhere where you will be safe from everything that seeks to harm you, physically, emotionally, mentally. But I can not keep you safe. And you are not safe. Not from me.
Did I ever tell you how very sorry I was, Severus? For everything, for anything. I am sorry that I couldn't protect your from the wickedness of your classmates. That was my fault, and mine alone. I am sorry I couldn't keep you safe from your parents. I am sorry, so very, very sorry that I made you go back to the one person you have spent your entire life trying to escape…twice now. I am sorry that I couldn't protect you from myself.
How I wish I could be selfish enough to send you away somewhere safe. It's not an uncommon practice, especially in times such as these. I would hide you away on some small island where no one would find you or hurt you. And after this was all over and you are free of the Dark Lord forever, I would come and join you.
But I am too selfish to send you away from me. I would miss you too much.
So I keep you here and play with your life like it's a piece on a chess board. And how many other pieces have been sacrificed in the game so that you remain protected? Too many, but then, I'm selfish and every time you give me that shy little half smile, I am shamefully glad that I have kept you alive, even at the price of others.
Isn't that terrible? Maybe, but I can not stop myself.
That night Peter escaped, I almost took you away then. I knew it wouldn't be long before Tom came back after that. So I was determined to get you to that little unplotable island as soon as I could.
I had it all planned out too. It was the furthest I ever went with my plan to send you away. I had already sighed papers announcing your resignation. I told the Minister some ridicules story about you being upset, or disappointed, or some similar childish excuse. It was not the best reason I could think for your sudden departure, but I was frantic and it was the best I could think of at the time.
I was highly on edge until school got out. I felt like Tom would break down the doors any second and drag you away from me. At the first available moment, I took you there to that island. Do you remember? We spent the whole day there under the palm trees, just enjoying the time together. I held onto you a great deal that day, knowing that I would be leaving you soon.
You forgave me for what humiliation I had caused you, you always do. For a man known to hold grudges for decades, it amazes me how fast you will forgive me my errors. Sometimes, Severus, I wish you wouldn't trust me so much. For I am selfish and don't always do what's best for either of us.
We watched the sunset that evening, you said it looked like the ocean was on fire. We sat together on the beach until it got dark, you in my arms. Your skin tasted like sea salt and coconut. We sat there long after the sun was gone from the sky and watched the stars out. I was waiting for you to fall asleep. I intended to carry you back to the house and leave you there sleeping. For I could never bare to have you see me leave.
Finally you began to doze and I got you back to the house. But there, selfishness caught up with me again. You looked so beautiful, your hair wind swept and spilling over the white pillow. I couldn't leave. My legs literally wouldn't carry me to the door. So I crawled into bed and held you through the night.
We left, together, the next morning. I never told you how close I came to leaving you there, and you didn't know to ask. I am glad that you didn't ask. I don't know if I could admit the truth.
I want you to survive this war, Severus. And I am going to do anything I can to make sure you do. Perhaps I shall still send you away to somewhere safe. But then, I am a selfish man.
~end