The Actual Eighth Year
This is a collaboration of multiple published authors, all of which want to remain anonymous for reasons unbeknownst to me.
This is the story of what happens at Hogwarts after the Battle. All of the kids have gone back to school for 8th year.
We own none of these characters. Unless we make them up. Then we own those, but don't want to take credit for them. So you can have them if you really want.
One time, a long time ago, there was a little boy, and his name was Neville Longbottom. Neville Longbottom had two parents, but they weren't really his parents anymore because they were stuck in the hospital, and so he had to live with his Grand, and that made him sad, but he was okay about it because he didn't know anything else because his parents were gone when he was so little, and so he only knew his Gran as his parents.
But this is not a story about Neville Longbottom. This is a story about everything else that happened and sometimes it'll also be about a Neville. But it's about everybody in the Wizarding community and how things happened.
After Voldemort died all of the kids had to go back to school for their eighth year or they would not be able to get jobs. But they still need to take the test for their newts or else how would anybody know how good they were at anything? And so they all got on the train to Hogwarts.
Once on the train, the goodie cart came by and everyone that was rich bought something. Only the rich kids could afford shit off the cart because there was that Brexit that threw their parents' finances off, except for the rich kids' parents who had secret accounts in Switzerland because that's what rich people do. But what the rich kids—like that blonde guy whose name I forget, but he's Slitherin—didn't know is that the goodie cart candies were spiked with wizardry spells and soon every rich kid was running around mooning people from the train windows. The teacher ma'am called them to order but one of the girls was like "Catch me outside. How 'bout dat?" And the teacher smacked that little punk kid's ass back into her seat where she passed out until they reached Hogwarts.
"Toot toot, motherfuckers!" Mr. Jackson, the train conductor, barked as they approached the school. "Get the fuck off my goddamn train, you little spooky fucks."
With that, Mr. Jackson slapped his hands together, creating an eardrum shattering BOOM and a wind that blew everyone off the train. Hagrid and his new assistant picked us all up one by one and stood up back upright. That was when I heard Goyle let out a high pitched squeak. "Gimli?!"
The little dwarf grinned and winked at him. "Hey, my sweet GarGoyle, did you miss me?" Then he blew a kiss.
And just like that the two went at it in front of the whole school. I'd never seen a gargoyle do it—you know "IT"— with a dwarf before. They were like rabid rabbits in heat. Things got weird when Goyle stuck his thumb in Gimli's bellybutton. The amount of lint in there was enough to fill one of the crocheted pillows at Neville's grandma's house.
"Ah, young love," Hagrid sighed, holding a leather messenger bag in his hand.
"Um… Gee whiz. I didn't know this school was so lenient with public displays of affection," I said.
"It's the new orange, if you know what I mean." Hagrid waggled his eyebrows at me. I threw up a little bit in my mouth and pedalled out of there like I had to take a mean dump, which I did.
Because everyone had been so busy with dying in what have you, nobody had picked any of the prefects or head boy and head girl positions yet. That wasn't exactly fair because of everything that has been going on last year, so Professor headmistress McGonagall had decided to give everybody a blank slate and put all the 7th and 8th years into the Goblet of Fire and that is how she was going to pick the head boy in the head girl and the fifth-year prefix we're going to be decided by a Wizards duel. Although the gryffindor's said that it was unfair because a lot of them had died and the battle for Hogwarts and so they should have their name in twice. Nobody wanted to tell them no because so many gryffindor's had died because they didn't pay attention in school enough and we're really bad at spells that is why they died.
They decided to have the whole first week of school be a big party and they all got dressed for the ball which they had every single day until Saturday when they have the big ball and that is when all of the names would be selected. Everybody got crunk.
It was a good thing that so many people died the last year because they had left all of their clothes at the castle and so people didn't have to buy a bunch of new dresses and dress robes because they could just go through the leftover stuff. And it didn't even matter if it fit or not because they had magic and could magically make it fit and change color and be really awesome and so they'll have really good outfits.
Except Ron. Because he was too poor to afford any of them. Even the free ones. So he was really sad and didn't want to go, but Hermione made him go because he was her boyfriend and he couldn't not go. But he still said he didn't want to go and he didn't. She farted in his face for being a party pooper.
When she got to the ball and saw that Ron wasn't going to be there then she just decided to dance on her own because she looked really good and she wasn't going to let Ron beings selfish keep her from having fun.
When Draco got to the ball he saw Hermione and thought that she was really hot and was sad because she was born to muggles and her parents where in Australia because Hermione didn't have time to give them back her memories but Draco knew this because he could read her mind. He could always read her mind ever since 3rd year when she punched him in the nose and gave him some of her magic powers.
Since the dark lord was dead and so he didn't have to be a death eater anymore because his dad was in prison because he was bad and he didn't have to listen to his dad anymore even though he was already in prison and then got out again but he was at school now and he's at couldn't tell him what to do. Draco had always loved Hermione Granger and he just hid it from her. He was going to use magic to make the Goblet of Fire make both him and her head boy and girl so they would get to share the head boy and girl dormitory and he could tell her that he loves her. Maybe she'd let him try on her clothes too.
When Snape died he bequeathed his wand to Draco and said that he needs to make sure he doesn't do what he did and doesn't live his life always regretting that he didn't tell Lily that he loves her. The dumbass. Because otherwise Hermione is going to marry Ron and then he will become the next professor and he will have to hate their children and then there's going to be another dark lord. So, he has to stop that happening and he has to do that by using his wand on the Goblet of Fire and making Hermione fall in love with him when she finds out how much he loves her until they could get married.
Once headmistress Professor McGonagall got the Goblet of Fire she doesn't see the purple smoke around it because it's invisible so nobody knows that Draco cast a spell. Although Hermione feels tingly and sees the purple smoke but she doesn't know that it is a spell she just thinks it is because she drink so much butterbeer and is hallucinating. But like we all know she was crunk too.
After a big show where the mermaids are outside but they come up and sing and they don't sound bad as they normally do because they're singing inside of Bubbles and they sound beautiful and it's the most beautiful thing and not just because they have perfect boobies, and so after that and the fireworks happen. And then the headmistress Professor McGonagall used the goblet and draws two names. First she draws Ron's name, but he wasn't there and because he wasn't there he didn't get to get chosen and so his name was thrown away before it was even read. But then the spell started to work and she called Draco and Hermione.
From a corner, the train conductor, Mr. Jackson raised a fist to his mouth and coughed out a "bullishit" comment because that's what Mr. Jackson does—he calls out people on their BS. He knew it had to be rigged.
The head boy and girl had been chosen. And everybody was really happy. Except for the ones that were upset because they wanted to be chosen but they still clapped anyway because it would be impolite if they didn't. And no one likes a jerk, am I right?
The head girl and head boy were given tasks, like making reservations at IHOP for all you can eat pancakes days and making sure everyone peed before bedtime because ain't nobody want to wake up to yellow stanky sheets that smell like rancid popcorn. You know what I'm talking about, don't act dumb. Aaaaaanyway….
There was a new kid at Hogwarts School of Wizardry named Edward Cullen who everyone called Cedric Diggory because he was a really hot and mysterious undercover vampire and therefore went by an alias, since, you know, he was undercover and all. People were always trying to give him Ambien and iron supplements because he had really pronounced dark circles under his eyes and he was super pale and they thought he had insomnia and was deathly (pun intended) anemic.
When Hermione saw Edward, I mean Cedric, he made Hermione's nether regions clap with enthusiasm. Just then, Ron walked into the ball. He decided to come after all because he felt like an asshole for not being there with his super hot girlfriend, Hermione. Ron gawked at the undercover vampire for a second and decided he was into him too and suggested a threesome between them three, because a threesome requires three people. Howeber, Edward, I mean Cedric, said he wasn't into red heads. He said he preferred pale brunettes and then threw a smoldering look in Harry Potter's direction. Harry blushed and batted his eyelashes in return. But Harry had no time to be involved in hot, steamy vampirical roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other sexual situations because he had to save the world from something super bad and evil with orange skin in an ugly untailored suit that everyone called the PUTSO. It was so so very scary!
Ron was heartbroken that Edw… Cedric didn't want to knock boots with him.
"Stop licking him, Hermione! He's not a real boy!" Ron told her, his jealousy and hurt was evident in his voice, as his attraction for what's his name was evident in his skinny stretch jeans.
"Don't take it so personally, Ronnie," said what's his name. "If you go bring me some butterbeer, I might reconsider."
Ron's eyes sparkled with hope. Without thinking about it twice, he went off to fetch his potential lover a drink.
"Let's go back to my room without your freckled friend, yeah?" What's his hotness said to Hermione.
"Hells yeah!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him through the crowd of wiznerdy misfits. "Let's do the nasty all night long." She put a viagra pill in his mouth and smiled shyly. "I hope you don't mind that I'm a freak in the sack."
Draco intercepted Cedric (oh mai gawd, I got the name right!) and Hermione at the exit.
"Where do you think you're going?" Draco axed.
"Out of our way, blondie." Cedric shoved Draco by the shoulder. "I haven't gotten any since I accidentally ate, I mean, err, broke up with Bella."
"You don't even go here!" Draco snarled. "I found your records in the super sophisticated software system that I very conveniently know how to use even though wizards don't use or need computers since we are all about the magical shit and stuff."
Cedric gasped.
"Wuuuuut?!" Hermione was fucking confused.
"The gig is up." A tear rolled down Cedric's—who we can now call Edward—face. It wasn't really a tear since vampires can't cry. In actuality, it was Draco's saliva. He spit a lot when he spoke. Edward kinda liked that. "It's true," Edward admitted. " I don't go here. But I want to. I've always wanted to be a wizard, like Harry Potter." He looked over his shoulder andsaid, "You're a wizard, Harry!"
"I know!" Harry yelled from across the room, taking a shot of Butterbeer flavored tequila.
Edward glanced back at Hermione and Draco.
"If you'll have me, I promise to be the very best wizard I can be. Just give me a chance." Edward sniffed. "Please. Don't turn me over to the headmistress person."
"Well, I guess we could let you stay," Draco said. "But Hermione and I have to vote on it. After all, we are the head of the student body."
"Um.. Listen, Draco," Hermione said. "Honestly, idgaf about the politics of this school at the moment. Now either you get out of our way or you come with us." She waggled her brows. "If ya know what I mean."
"Huh?" Now Draco was the one that was fucking confused.
"It's an innuendo," Edward explained, but Draco still had that stupid look of confusion on his face, so Edward explained further. "We're gonna go do it."
"Do what?" Draco axed.
"You'll find out," Edward sniggered.
And then they all three went to have all the threesome sex because it takes three to have a threesome, while Ron walked around all night with a warm butterbeer looking for them. He was beyond pissed.
Malfoy squealed loudly when Hermione pentrated his bleached asshole with her wand. "I thought he said innuendo, not in-your-endo!" he said not at all angrily. "Holy fuck, why didn't you make me do this sooner?"
Cedward laughed as he knelt behind Hermione. A strange sound from outside the door made them pause in their gross sweaty thrusting for just a moment. Then Jackson's teenage form slammed the door open while letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. " This British fucker gave me a ride through time in his big-ass (on the inside) blue box." Snapping his fingers to delete his clothes, he dropped to his knees behind the sparkly bitch .. "What did my adult self say to you all when it pulled up here? TOOT TOOT MUTHA FUCKAAAAAS!" And the train began.
And thus was born the traditional "Start of the Year Train Hump", now a requirement for head boy and girl and guests.
TO BE CONTINUED…