Hate
He hates it. He hates the way Dean looks at him, as though he is a monster, he hates the look that haunts his eyes, he hates the way he has to convince himself to get up in the morning. His trapped in a downward spiral that everyone can see. There all waiting for the break down, there all waiting for the fall out. He doesn't feel alive any more, he doesn't believe he should be alive, he started the apocalypse. Hunters all around want to kill him, Satin himself wants to use him, he should have stayed away, he should have never helped Dean find Dad, maybe then Dad would still be alive, maybe then Jess would still be alive. Life would have been amazing, beautiful.
But it's too late for that and he hates it. There's no way to make this right, he chose a demon over his own brother, and he destroyed everything that has ever meant anything to him. How can he face Dean, hell, how can he face Bobby. He choose demon blood for the power, to feel control for once, he chose the demon blood because it gave him something to live for, it made him stronger, now it's killing him. A poison pounding through his veins. But do you know what he hates the most, out of all the possible people he could hate, he hates himself the most. He knows for a fact that fairy tales don't come true, the world is just a dark, obscure place, filled with nothing but demons and ghosts, of ghouls and fear.
He has become trapped in his own mind, no demon can torture him more than he is torturing himself, and he believes that he deserves that! Hell Dean was in HELL and he couldn't do anything to save him, he couldn't do anything and sit back and watch as the brother he loved was killed before his eyes, blood pouring from the wounds, his eyes glazed over, he was helpless, he was alone, he could do nothing but hold him as he slipped away. Sentenced to a fate of pain and torture of suffering and anguish, of agony and grief. And it was his fault. His fault that the brother he had always looked up to had to suffer. His fault.
And now the nightmares have come back. He is falling fast. Dean is back, but some part of him was killed back there, some part of him still remains in hell. And he can't fix it, He is falling fast, his going to step over the line again, he desperately wants someone to take his hand, to pull him out to hold him back, to show him that his life actually meant something. This façade of strength is all he has left.
He hates the feeling of waking up every morning, only to realize that he is still breathing because it is hard to live when you have no reason to. After all what is the reason of living when you have no reason to live. He sees his impacts leading up to his immanent death, it has made him realise how much the world craves what it cannot have. Most importantly, humans go after what they want over what they need. Humans are so easily tempted, they will do anything in the grips of utter despair, and they will grasp at any thread that promises to save them from unhappiness. No matter what the consequence may be… He took the fall, he took the bait, he fell from grace, and when he thought he had reached the bottom he fell again, if that was even possible. He needed to stop thinking of himself as the victim, stumbling down this narrow road. No happiness can be gained when he keeps running away from the truth.
But his story has only just begun, he needs to let the truth break down this wall, he needs to find who he really is. He was born for this, with weapon in hand, and armour in place, he will break through the battle lines drawn from despair and pain. Time has met its end, it's now or never. He is not abandoned, he is not alone. Defeat is no longer an option. He stands strong, Dean is by his side, Cas it there too, he doesn't feel so defeated anymore, he doesn't feel so scared. He knows that he condemned the world but he won't go down without a fight, his stronger than that.
The demons have their plan but he has his. He has learned that sometimes it's easier to take the orders then to give them but he needs to stand up now and face his mistakes. He needs to take a hold of the game, use the pieces around him, manipulate them, like a chessboard, always thinking a step ahead. There will always be knights who betray and prawns who betray. But he can never lose sight of his next move, he can never regret the sacrifices his made to simply survive, now he just needs to protect Dean, if he saves Dean maybe Dean can save him. It's amazing how he has survived this role, but Dean will be the one to build him up while the rest of the world tries to knock them down. He can see how far they have come, it is truly a miracle, when even the angels are trying to knock them down. It's amazing how strong they have become, he may never save his soul but Dean will is there with him, holding his hand, he Dean understands, he never doubts his loyalty. Two brothers united while the world tries to tear them apart, the world is trying to turn them against each other, but he knows they are stronger than that.
He might be sentencing himself to eternity in hell but he doesn't really want to be saved. He started the apocalypse for God's sake. No, his stronger now, without the demon blood, he is stronger now because he has Dean, he has Bobby, Hell he even has Cas and that's all he needs. His not stupid, he knows the pain will never go away, the pain stays with you wherever you go, it cannot be erased. But he will learn to live with it, it becomes a part of you, it makes you stronger, it makes you smarter.
That's the true beauty of strength.