This is the first fic I have ever wrote… this has been stuck in my head ever since I watched 'Born Lucky' and quite honestly it's been driving me insane. So I thought I'd let it all out by writing this. Obviously I don't own any of the characters… this is just my version of how things should have gone. Cal and Ethan are my favourite characters so why not write a bit more about them. I apologize for any spelling, grammar and punctuation errors… I tried it's not quite my strong point!
Ethan Hardy decided he wanted to be a doctor at age 12. That was when his mother first became ill. It was the only way he knew how to drown out the guilt that he couldn't save her. So he dedicated himself to studying medicine, to becoming a doctor because it was the only way to silence the voices in his head. The voices in his head the one's telling him that he can do more, study harder, that maybe he could save her… he couldn't.
He felt like he was falling, he was all alone with no one there to catch him. You see Ethan had very little family that he was close to apart from his mother. His father disappeared when he was three… he doesn't even remember what he looks like. Then there was Caleb… Cal as he insists you call him, his brother. Ethan and Cal were always close despite the four year age gap. Up until Cal turned sixteen, the same time there mother first became ill. He went out to parties, didn't study, got drunk and left his twelve year old brother to look after their sick mum. Cal just fell completely off the radar when he was eighteen. Ethan rarely heard from him, didn't even know where he was most of the time. It was like that up until their mother died. Ethan couldn't trust him and more importantly he couldn't trust himself.
That was the first time he ever felt like he'd lost control, lost control of everything.
Working at the ED lessened the guilt caused by his mother's death. Being able to make a positive impact on people's lives made him forget, even if it was for a little while. Then Cal turned up again after their mother's death, unannounced. Apparently he was working at the ED… This kind of threw Ethan off. This was his brother, the brother that always made him feel like he was worthless… second best. The same brother that left him all alone and practically abandoned him. Although there was tension (lots of it at times) between the two, it was okay in the end. It was okay because although they might not have the best relationship it still felt nice to have his brother around. To feel not so lonely any more.
As weeks went on after his mother's death the guilt started fading. He felt he could finally let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. Eventually everything was clear again and everything was ok.
That was until the crash happened, the crash that nearly cost Ethan his life. The crash that had cost Jeff's life. All the guilt came crashing back into him, like a wave that was taking over… taking over him. This time though Cal was there for him, he was always there. He even apologized for past events they never talk about. It helped having his big brother there, he felt a little more at ease. Some days though even Cal couldn't get through to him, it was like something had consumed him and all he wanted to do was sleep.
Caleb Knight was not what you call a perfect big brother, in fact he was far from it. But he was trying so hard, incredibly hard to gain Ethan's trust back after all of those years. Having to treat him, see him in such a state… a mess, was something he never wanted to see again or relive. He wouldn't be surprised if he had a heart attack if Ethan even cut his knee after this because Caleb did love his brother. He was his safety net and there was no way he could live without him. He visited his brother every day while he was in hospital. Before his shift, while on his shift and after his shift at the ED despite getting in trouble with Connie…. And Lily a few times. He was also the one responsible of telling Ethan about Jeff's death. The hardest part was trying to pick up the broken pieces of his little brother after that. Some days he just couldn't get through, it was like Ethan was trapped in his own little bubble where he could hear or see no one. Ethan got better though as the days went on and Cal had never felt so relieved in his life.
Then day finally came Ethan was released from hospital and the brothers could head home to Ethan's new apartment. Cal purposely stayed late that night there was no way he was leaving his brother by himself just yet. Cal ended up staying the whole of the next week. The brother's got themselves into an almost routine of living together and Ethan didn't really mind. It was nice to have Cal there for him, he felt a little more grounded. The only issue was Cal would check if Ethan was "ok" at least ten times a day much to his annoyance. Ethan was a closed person, he didn't particularly like to share his feelings with other people. It was just always the way it had been growing up, he was used to it. He was used to keeping it all to himself not letting anyone see anything but "fine". Cal didn't need to know about the nightmares that plagued him in the night and the anxiety that came with them. Ethan was dealing with it himself, he didn't need anyone else to tell him he wasn't ok.
He was so desperate to get back to work, to try and get rid of the feeling of immense guilt from his mother's and Jeff's death. To try and bury it so far under that he would forget that those thoughts exist. He wasn't about to turn around and tell Cal that when he asked if he was ok. He would never let him go back to work and if he didn't do that then he was going to drown. All he'd been trying to was keeping his head above water but it was starting to drag him under.
That's how he ended up here the night before he started work; trying to keep himself from waking up his brother in the next room. All his anxieties coming up to the surface and making themselves known.
"Close your eyes, focus and breathe because you are okay."
That's what Ethan Hardy told himself every night when the nightmares took over him as the moon shone through the grand arched window within his bedroom. Grabbing him in the night, suffocating him, squeezing him until he can't breathe any more.
Finally after no more than five hours sleep for Ethan, the sun made its appearance through his bedroom window. He could hear Cal clattering around in the kitchen, probably attempting to make a semi-edible breakfast. He pulled the duvet back and got out of bed. Checking in the mirror that the bags under his eyes weren't that obvious, he didn't want Cal questioning anything. As soon as he was sure he looked relatively fine, he made his way down the hall to the open plan kitchen/living room. There Cal was making the mess that Ethan had predicted he was doing fifteen minutes ago. Suddenly Cal turned round "Morning little brother, beautiful morning". Ethan looked out the window, "oh yeah I suppose it is… I hadn't really noticed" he said with a blank expression. He carried on walking into the kitchen and started making himself some cereal. There was no way he was eating whatever Cal was making. He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, he turned round to see Cal stood right in front of him looking slightly concerned "Are you ok? Are you sure you're ready to go back?"
Ethan thought about an answer for a second, turned round and replied
"Of course why wouldn't I be?"
Thank you for reading, maybe leave a review and let me know what you think? I'm not sure whether to carry on writing, so let me know.
Have a good day!