Hey everyone! We all have had those days when there's nothing to do, when the whole world suddenly comes to a standstill and it feels as though we might die from boredom. As I am sure that the students of Hogwarts have felt the same at some point during the year, I thought it would be fun to write about how they fill those empty hours. Of course, living in a magical castle, I'm sure they'd wind up in some pretty hilarious situations! I am planning to write this series as a comedy collection of short stories of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's time at Hogwarts (With guest characters from the series) These shorts DO NOT have to be read in chronological order! (Please Note: This series has no real timeline placement within the Harry Potter series, which book it occurs in is irrelevant!) Please read and review, constructive criticism is welcomed, and keep your eyes out for more coming soon!
Chapter One: Taking a Wacky Weasly Adventure
"Ron, Harry, could you both at least attempt to be a little quieter?" Hermione groaned.
It was another boring Saturday at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Quidditch match had been canceled on account of the rain and lightning-again- and the school had fallen into a mid-October slump. Friends were done catching up from the summer. The teachers had gotten over "easing students into the school year" and were back to giving their long, boring lectures and broom loads of homework. And on top of that, nothing exciting had happened since someone had started the rumor that Seamus Finnigan had blown up Mrs. Norris (which, to everyone's dismay, turned out not to be true).
And so, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were gathered in the Gryffindor Common Room, trying to kill time. The dullness of the past few weeks was beginning to test everyone's patience-even Hermione's(which was surprising to Harry and Ron because of how much time she had spent boasting about how "interesting" and "academically exciting" her classes were). Hermione was sitting by the fire, reading her Advanced Charms and Hexes textbook for the 2nd time this month, while Harry and Ron were playing their way through their fourth set of wizard's chest pieces.
"OK, Hermione, why don't I just tell this knight here he isn't allowed to make any noise next time he smashes Harry's bishop into a million tiny pieces?" Ron snapped sarcastically.
Hermione looked up from her textbook to give Ron and stern glare.
"Oh come'on! You've read through that bloody book how many times already? Give it a rest!" Ron said.
Ron and Hermione had been at each other's throats all day, and Harry was getting sick of it.
"We're sorry, Hermione, we'll try to keep it down," Harry apologized, trying to make peace.
"Oh why bother?" Ron huffed, "Even if we were just sitting here she'd complain that I was breathing too loudly or somethin'."
After his remark, instead of turning around to finish the game, Ron got up off the ground and collapsed on a nearby couch. Harry couldn't blame him, even he was growing sick of chess by now.
"There's nothing to do in this bloody castle," Ron complained.
"We could go visit Hagrid," Harry suggested half-heartedly.
"If you two are bored we could try heading over to the library- I'm sure your minds could do with a little nourishing," Hermione lectured.
"I've been "nourishing my mind all week Hermione!" Ron groaned.
"Yea, with all of the homework Professor McGonagall's been giving us, I feel like my head's about to explode!" Harry exclaimed.
"Even you've got to be getting tired of it by now," Ron teased.
Hermione sighed and closed her book, setting it gently down by her side.
"Well, can you think of anything better to do?" She asked.
Ron thought hard for a minute, then jumped up. "I've got it! I can't believe I forgot about it," he exclaimed, running up the stairs to the boys' dormitory.
Harry and Hermione exchanged confused glances until Ron came bounding down the stairs only moments later, a strange roll of parchment in his hands.
"What's that?" Harry asked. It looked almost exactly like the Marauder's Map they had used before Lupin had confiscated it. Apparently, Hermione was thinking the exact same thing.
"Ron! That thing is dangerous! Why would you even think to steal it back from Lupin? You know, he was right about-"Hermione ranted before Ron cut her off.
"This isn't the Marauder's Map," he laughed, "This is just a regular map of Hogwarts."
"What would we do with that?" Harry asked.
"Well, the map's nothing special, but this is," Ron said, pulling a separate sheet of parchment from behind the map. Words were scrawled in black ink across the parchment, filling up the entire sheet. "It's directions of how to get into all of the secret passages in Hogwarts- I finally convinced Fred and George to give it to me last summer. It was easy, all I had to do was threaten to tell Mum about them switching Percy's candy with a new skydiving snackbox they wanted to test out."
"So you actually want to sneak around the castle through secret tunnels?" Hermione asked.
"Wouldn't be the first time," Harry pointed out.
"Not around, out actually. Wouldn't mind heading over to Hogsmeade for the day, myself." Ron said amusingly.
Harry and Ron looked hopefully at Hermione.
"Fine," she decided, "but only because I really need to pick up some new quills for class."
And with that, the trio was all set to go. Ron led them on a long trip through the castle, trying to find the statue of the Merlin, through which they could supposedly access the secret passage that Fred and George said led to the cellar Zonko's Joke Shop.
"We're almost there," Ron said.
"Ron, are you sure you know where you're going?" Hermione asked. "According to Hogwarts: A History,the statue switches places on a daily basis."
"Yea, I'm sure," Ron said in a tone that sounded to Harry like he couldn't be more unsure of himself if he tried.
Finally, after what felt like hours of walking, Harry spotted the statue outside of the boy's lavatory on the third floor. Ron pulled out his wand and faced the statue. " I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he said, tapping Merlin's nose with his wand. The statue pushed back into the wall and split down the middle, separating to reveal a secret tunnel.
Harry and Hermione glanced at him with amusing stares.
"What? You didn't think that incantation only worked on that map, did you?" Ron asked.
Hermione and Harry burst into laughter, shortly joined by Ron.
"Butter Beer here we come!" Ron exclaimed, slipping into the passage.
Harry peeked down the hallway to make sure the coast was clear before following Ron into the tunnel. As soon as Hermione stepped in, the wall closed behind them.
"Lumos," the three whispered together, lighting up their wands.
"I'm not sure about this anymore," Hermione said, "We could get in so much trouble!"
"Lighten up, Hermione," Ron said.
"Ron has a point," Harry added, "It's not like anyone's going to be following us down here!"
"That's right," Ron exclaimed proudly, "No one knows about this tunnel except for Fred and George. Besides, there's really only one way back now-forward."
And so, Harry and a very hesitant Hermione followed Ron down the dark and musty tunnel. The tunnel was long, and very winding. It was so moist in the tunnel that Harry kept bumping into the slimy stone walls because his glasses were fogging up. At last, they saw a dim light in the distance.
"See? What did I tell you?" Ron exclaimed. "Led us right to Zonk-"
Ron stopped mid-sentence and the three froze in their tracks because they heard a voice carried through the tunnel, an unmistakably familiar and drawling voice that could only belong to one person. Professor Snape.
"I thought you said no one knows about these tunnels!" Hermione exclaimed, her voice rising in pitch.
"They don't!" Ron whispered.
"I think the voice is coming from the other end of the tunnel, Hermione," Harry explained.
"What's professor Snape doing at Zonko's?" Ron asked.
"We can't keep going on," Hermione said quickly, "We have to go back!"
"Hermione, there is no back. I don't think we can reopen the entrance from this side!" Ron argued.
"Let's keep going, at least until we can see the room," Harry suggested, "Maybe we can plan an exit when Snape not looking."
The three inched their way down the tunnel, but the ceiling grew lower and lower, and so they were forced to crawl on their hands and knees. Eventually, they reached the end of the tunnel, a stone wall with horizontal slits.
"A dead end?" Ron exclaimed softly.
But Hermione crept forward and carefully brushed the wall ahead of them. "It's parchment, like on the back of a painting," She whispered. "You might want to come take a look at this."
"I can already see it," Ron huffed.
"Not that! Come here," she said.
Ron and Harry joined her on either side and peered through the cracks in the "wall". The room they found themselves peering into wasn't Zonko's Joke Shop at all. In fact, it could be any more opposite of that fun, whimsical place filled with warmth and laugher. Because the room they found themselves looking into was, in fact, Professor Snape's bedroom. However, this fact wasn't nearly as frightening as the disturbing sight they were watching unfold in front of them. Professor Snape was dressed in white dress robes and standing in front of a full length mirror, his greasy hair slicked back, moving as though he was having a heart attack and a seizure all at the same time. Next to the mirror, on a table, sat a Muggle radio, which was blaring music through the room.
"I've got the magic in me, every time I touch that track it turns into gold, cause everybody knows I've got the magic in me, when I hit the flow the girls come snappin' at me, now everybody wants some presto, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic- oh Snape, you still got it."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were on the verge of tears, shaking with silent laughter.
"Bloody 'ell, what do you think he's doing, Harry?" Ron asked, "If this is what he does with his spare time, he'd definitely not as mad as we think- he's madder!"
"Bonkers!" Harry agreed. And he had thought Snape spent all his time brewing up plans for Voldomort….
"Well, it doesn't really matter what he's doing as long as he's done soon," Hermione said, stifling a laugh, "My legs are getting cramped!"
But it wasn't until two song later that Snape was finally done with his terrible singing, and stepped out into the bathroom.
"We don't have much time, comeon' " Ron exclaimed, pushing open the portrait. He, Harry, and Hermione slipped quietly into Snape's room, making a dash towards the exit. Once they got through the doors, they let out sighs of relief.
"So much for Hogsmeade," Harry said with a laugh.
"I'm gonna kill Fred and George!" Ron exclaimed.
The three headed back to the Gryffindor Tower and in the evening, told everyone all that they had seen. Then they made a plan.
That Monday morning, Gryffindor had potions with Slytherin. Snape was introducing the Amortentia, the most powerful love potion in the world, to the class.
"Of course, Amortentia doesn't create actual love. That's impossible. But it does cause a powerful infatuation or obsession. For that reason, it-" Snape drawled on.
The set up was too perfect.
"Why would you need a love potion, Professor?" Seamus asked, the only one brave enough to talk out of turn in Snape's class. "I thought you had the magic in you?"
Snape was too shocked to even say the word "Detention".