Hairy ProblemSummary: There is a problem at the X-Men's mansion and Logan is the last one standing. Crackfic.

Disclaimer: If only, if only, the plot bunny sings.

Image: Ultimate X-Men: Wolverine and Cyclops by Ricken-Art

Rating: Teen.

…

Who needs enemies with friends like that?

…

It was hard to believe - no impossible - to believe that it had ever come to this. One X-man against the other in a frenzy to survive.

A scream ran through the halls, and Wolverine found himself ducking for cover. The mutant swallowed and ran a hand over his forehead trying to wipe off some sweat, which was presently ruining his war paint. He was going to survive this … he had too.

"It's no use Kurt! Give up now! You know there's no way out of this." The voice echoed down the huge empty halls, and a very shaken up Kurt could be seen running down the corridor looking over his shoulder repeatedly until he stumbled, a loud thud echoing over the area as he fell to the floor. He seemed to be gasping for breath as if he had been running, and probably disappearing, for a while now. He was exhausted. Wolverine ducted his bushy head as Kurt looked his way. The blue mutant let out a sigh and sat there itching his arms in a feverous manner

" 'at was close. They almos' got me'," whispered Kurt to himself as he continued to scratch at his arms. The mutant took one more exhausted sigh, and then rose to his feet. "I better get out'a here."

The blue mutant stood on his feet and limped to the nearest door. He was too tired to use his mutant powers so walking it was. He finally reached the nearest door that led outside and pulled at the door handle. The moment the door swung open, washing him with sunlight, Kurt's scream echoed over the hall making Wolverine cringe as he watched a pair of arms reach forward and drag the blue being out of the door.

"No. No. 'ease no! Anythin' but tha'! Anythin'!

The poor mutant's screams soon disappeared as some kind of gag was put over his mouth. Then the shadows revealed that two other figures had come forward, taking the gagged and bound Kurt away … Wolverine swallowed. The school's inhabitants were being taken away, one by one, and he would probably be next. He had to get out of here NOW! The mutant was about to start running when the figure that had grabbed Kurt suddenly stepped into the room. The invader's body was entirely clothed in what could easily be called a bio-chemical suit/army gear. It was a dark black, and it covered him completely from head to foot except for a small part that revealed his mouth … probably so he could shout commands. He also had these god awful black almost goggle-like glasses which gave no indication that he had eyes hidden behind them.

The figure looked around the room and suddenly shot his head in Wolverine's direction. The poor mutant ducted and tried to hold in a snarl. He wasn't ready! He was too young … yah, true the Wolverine wasn't supposed to feel fear, but in this case he'd make an exception. He had to get out of here!

The figure huffed and then called out the room. "Which ones are we missing?"

A familiar voice came from outside, "Only one left, and I'll give you one guess who it is."

The figure turned his attention back to the hall as a huge smile overcame his face, "The Wolverine… I know you're here Logan." He called out to the halls like some psychopathic stereotypical villain. "And I'm going to find you … there is no escape… none."

Of course, Logan, being the proud idiot he is, couldn't leave and challenged unchallenged. So he jumped out of his hiding spot, his claws revealing themselves, hissing, "Wanna make a bet tight ass."

A laugh echoed over the room from the figure. "I knew that would get your attention."

Suddenly, a hoarded of people dressed much like the other man stormed into the room. Some of them were so short they looked like children, while others where a foot taller then Logan himself, not to mention bulkier.

"Now let the hunt begin."

…

Logan slid to a halt as he reached the front doors to the mansion … he had no idea how he had managed to escape that tight-ass but he had. He was rather sure that maybe it had something to do with the fact that he uprooted a small potted tree and started swing it around while hollering like Xena warrior princess. In fact, most of the captures seemed more scared by the Amazon scream then the plant itself.

Well, he needed some wheels for that. An evil grin rose to his face as he noticed a tarp to the far left. There was only one vehicle that wasn't even allowed to get dust on it. Logan's fingers twitched with happiness as he pulled off the tarp, a motorcycle revealed to him.

"Hello pretty, let's go for a ride."

"Get away from that ride! I swear I'll kill you Logan," cried the goggled man as he ran into the room, three other figures behind him. "Make it easy on yourself and just give in."

Logan's eyes took on a glare and then he was swinging his leg over the bike, the engine roaring to life. The intruders merely yelled, all of them heading forward, someone even sliding into his path of the opening garage door. There was no worry for Logan though, his tires slid and the next thing everyone knew he was riding out of the doorway they just standing in. They all stood gapping mouth before one of the slightly shorter figures hissed, "If he ruins the rug, he's dead."

…

The air was sweet in his hair and face. It cooled the itch he had been feeling and his mind. He knew that they may chase him, but Logan had no worries … he had a way of disappearing. No one could catch him or grasp him, or they would have to face his claws. Nobody could stop him. Nobody … but that!

The tires of his bike bit the pavement with a stalling scream, a growl accompanying the tire's cry as he stared at caped figure just standing there in the middle of the road. Logan's nose wrinkled up and his gruff voice couldn't help but call out, "What are you doing here, Magneto? Come for a rematch? I'll make you pay for what you've done."

The older man shook his head, "Logan, Logan, Logan. Will you never learn?"

Logan was never even allowed to jump off his bike and make a stab at the villain when he was pulled into the air like a puppet on strings.

"What the hell!" cried Logan as he struggled fruitlessly.

"Now, my dear X-man. Tell me, where is Charles. We need to …talk," said the aging man as he stepped forward, not in the mood to play with the snarling soldier.

"Tuh, probably taking a nap, the balding q-ball he is," said Logan with a tint of venom in his voice.

Magneto frowned slightly at the comment about his old friend, and stated, "I take it this isn't a simple ride you are on. It seems like its more of an esca-"

"There's no escape, Logan!" came a cry from the woods as something jumped out of the neighboring tree line tackling the floating being. Magneto was so shocked his powers actually failed and the attacker and prey went flying to the ground in a collection of dust. Then, as if it were a wolf pack, five other black clothed forms jumped out of the bushes and tackled the escaping man. For a minute, the old mutant just stood and watched, unsure if this was a good or bad thing. Finally, after the infamous Wolverine was gagged and bound did the head attacker look his way.

"Thanks for the help … uh … Magneto? What are you doing here!" cried the goggled man as he took a step back, putting his fingers on his glasses as if he were threatening to take them off.

"One in the same. Now tell me … should I kill you or be thanking you blackened hunters?" said the caped man, his fingers twitching.

All the clothed hunters looked at each other and then they all got it, laughing, "We do look a little ridiculous, don't we?"

The goggled man quickly took off his head coverings, and the magnetic warrior tiled his head and stated, "Scott Summers?"

"Yes, now please be on your way or come back later. We have an outbreak at the moment. We have had already enough troubles with Logan today," said Scott as he threw an evil grin down at the captured man. "Isn't that right little doggy. You ran away because you didn't want to take your bath. Oh don't cry. We'll scrub you up read good."

The villain all gave Scott a confused and slightly horrified look. Just what was a going on it that mansion!

Scott caught the look as he moved away from a biting Logan, "Lice outbreak."

Magneto couldn't help but take a step back. "Uh, I'll come back later."

XXX

Paw07: Hello loves. There seems to be an unseen horror lurking about the X-Mansion and there is only one way to stop it … and lets just say Wolverine is willing to do anything to ignore that … anything. One-shot humor; a kind of punch-line thing.