Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. Nor Big Brother, The Weakest Link or any of the various other game shows referenced. (I'm sad about not owning some of those. Try to guess which.)
Bad Wolf
Just risking money isn't enough. If you're a gambler, this is the greatest gamble you can make. That's the real kick. - Blakes 7.
Chapter 1: Games
The Doctor awoke in a tiny space, about a metre square, with mirrors on each side. Torn with panic, he hammered furiously on each wall, screaming "Let me out!" To his surprise, the third wall he hammered on swung away from him and he tumbled out of the dressing room to fall flat on his face.
A woman came running up to him. "Hello!" She beamed, pleased to see the first new face in nine weeks. "Are you alright?" She helped him to his feet as his eyes struggled to focus. The moment she stopped supporting his arm, he collapsed down on the rug again. "That's the trans-mat." She explained. "It scrambles your head a bit. Took me a while to recover. Though why they put you in there, I don't know. What's your name?"
"The Doctor, I think." He mumbled. "Where am I?"
"Oh, you've been chosen." She grinned. "You're in the house!"
The Doctor became aware of the brightly coloured walls, mirrors and swivel cameras he was surrounded by. His skewed mind was still unaware of how he'd got there, but he'd somehow arrived in the Big Brother house.
On the far side of the room, a man and a woman were getting up from some armchairs, sculpted to look like hands. The man looked less than pleased by his arrival. "This isn't fair. We've got an eviction in five minutes! Why would they put a new housemate in now? I've been here all nine weeks. I've followed the rules, I haven't had a single warning. Then he comes swanning in!"
"If they keep changing the rules, I'm going to protest, I am." Groaned the woman.
"This is Big Brother." Announced a voice. "Could the Doctor come to the diary room."
Next to an ancestral portrait of Davina Macall, the Doctor spotted a sparkly door with an eye shaped button next to it. Finding it unlocked, he stepped through to find a sculpted foam chair facing a camera on a stand.
"You are live on Channel 44,000. Please do not swear." Said Big Brother.
The Doctor was tempted to swear anyway. "You have got to be kidding me." He said instead.
In a much larger and darker room, Rose too was picking herself up off the floor, trying to focus on the world around her.
"Are you ok?" Said a man standing over her. "That's the transmat, it does your head in. You may have a touch of amnesia. What's your name?"
She thought for a moment. "Rose."
He nodded. She was recovering then, if a bit slowly. "Just do what the Android says and you should be fine."
"Android? So, like, a robot?"
She was dim-witted too. That boded well for him. "The Android's word is law."
"Positions everybody!" Shouted a woman wearing a headset.
"Come on." He helped her up as the world began to return to focus. "They're starting soon."
"I was travelling." Rose said. "With the Doctor. He wouldn't just leave me."
The man just led her to a set of podiums bathed in blue light.
"But I'm not even supposed to be here."
"It says Rose on the podium."
Rose squinted. Sure enough there was a podium in the middle with her name on it. She staggered over to it. As her vision cleared, she had a better look round at the six podiums set in a semi circle, round a figure in the centre, in a set up that looked familiar to her. "Hold on. I must be going mad. This looks like..."
"Ann droid activated." Said the woman in headphones.
The Ann droid raised its head up. A head with a side parting sculpted on top and a set of round glasses over her eyepieces.
"The android!" Rose gasped. "No, the Ann droid!"
"Welcome to The Weakest Link." Said the Ann droid.
"Here we go again." Said the soft voiced robot peering over Jack. "We'll have to do something about that outfit. And he's got that whole lantern jaw thing going on."
"I don't know." Said a second robot. "I quite like lantern jaws."
"But they're soooo last year!"
Jack fumbled about and pushed himself into a seated position. "Excuse me. Could either of you fine ladies tell me where I am?"
"You're on our show." Said robot 1. "And we have got to get you a new outfit."
"But I was with the Doctor. I..." He raised an eyebrow. "Is there something wrong with the outfit I have?" As the room came into focus, he realised he was on the set of some sort of style programme. A huge rack of clothes lined one of the walls, while mirrors were dotted round the others at various angles. There was also a lazer-like device he couldn't quite fathom opposite him.
"The shirt is so dull." Said robot 2. "And where did you get that denim?"
"A place in Cardiff. I think it was called... Topshop."
"Gasp. Fashion disaster." Said robot 1. "We have to get started right away. Just stand up and let the defabricator do its work."
"Defabricator?" Said Jack. "What's that exactly?"
One of the robots pressed a button on the lazer-like device, which shone a beam of light at him. He felt a tickling sensation as all of his clothes unravelled at the threads, before dissolving completely.
"Defabricator." Jack grinned. "Does exactly what it says on the tin." A thought occurred to him. "Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?"
"Absolutely!"
"Ladies." He grinned. "Your viewing figures just went up!"
Just over 100 years beforehand, archaeologists excavating the ruins of the temple of the BBC had located a buried chamber full of archives of recordings from millennia in the past. Protected from the elements and still watchable. They'd learnt a lot about life in the time periods these recordings had come from, but they'd also provided great entertainment. In particular, the long forgotten game shows had enthralled the public and it wasn't long before they were remaking them for a modern audience. With some minor tweaks of course.
Lynda knew all about these game shows, having studied them extensively for her media studies course. It was just such a shame that media studies degrees didn't get a look in with most employers. Big Brother looked to be the most exciting thing that would happen in her life, which was kind of sad when she thought about it.
But her mum had always taught her to keep a positive mental attitude about things. It was an attitude she'd maintained in the house and she'd endeavoured to brighten the place up, whether her housemates were willing to assist or not. The last two left, Stood and Crosbie, were particularly determined to remain miserable. They were probably tired, what with the run coming to an end.
She hoped that the new man who'd come in would be more chatty. Unfortunately, from the moment he'd arrived, he'd only been interested in running his sonic device over the doors.
"Can't open it." He muttered.
"Deadlock sealed." She said, in an attempt to make conversation. "Ever since Big Brother 511, where they all walked out. You must remember that?"
"No." He said shortly and went to scan one of the mirrors.
"Exoglass." Lynda said. "You'd need a nuclear bomb to get through."
"Don't tempt me." Said the Doctor.
As he kept looking over the walls like a cat trying to get into the cat food cupboard, Lynda leaned towards him. "I know you're not supposed to talk about the outside world but... What do people think? Am I popular out there? My name's Lynda. Lynda with a y, not with an I. Linda with an I got thrown out 'cos she damaged a camera. Am I popular."
"Don't really remember." The Doctor said vaguely.
Her face fell. "Does that mean they don't notice me? 'cos some people get chucked out just 'cos they're not noticeable."
The Doctor stopped to look at her. The public's opinion was clearly very important to the girl. "Yeah. They do notice. They say you're... nice. You're sweet."
"Oh really?" She smiled. "No one's ever told me that before."
The Doctor, meanwhile, was looking over her shoulder at what he'd thought were patio doors. On closer inspection, he could see that the view outside was projected on a screen. "Shouldn't there be a garden back there?" He asked Lynda, glad to at least have someone to chat to in his companions' absence.
"Don't be daft. Who has a garden any more? Don't tell me you've got a garden!"
"No, I've just got the TARDIS." His eyes went wide as a memory came creeping back. "I remember now!"
"That's the amnesia wearing off!" She said excitedly. "So, where did they get you?"
"We'd just left Raxacoricofallapatorius. Then we went to Kyoto, 1582. We just made it out alive. We were together in the control room. We were laughing. But then there was this bright white light. Coming from the walls. I woke up here."
"That's the trans mat." Lynda nodded. "It's how they pick the contestants."
"It's more than that. 'cos I'm not just some passing traveller. A tiny little trans mat beam doesn't just get inside my ship. Whatever did was 500 times more powerful." He turned to the nearest mirror, which he knew a cameraman to be behind. "Here's the latest update from the Big Brother house. I'm getting out. And then I'm gonna find you."
Davitch Parvale was used to getting occasional threats from the contestants. They didn't tend to bother him. He was just doing his job. And they had no way of carrying out their threats anyway. But something in the Doctor's look made him think that the man actually did have a plan.
As a precaution, he had a look at the man's data files and his eyes went wide. He hurried over to his friend, Nadine, and tapped her on the shoulder. "I've got a problem. I may need help."
"Hold on." She said. "I'm in the middle of something... And nineteen, eighteen..." She watched on the screen she was monitoring as the floor manager on The Weakest Link called everyone to their positions.
"But I need to find the Doctor. I didn't sign up for this..." Rose was saying to anyone in earshot. When no-one listened she turned to leave but the man who'd helped her up from the floor, who's podium was labelled Roderick, grabbed her arm.
"We're about to start." He groaned. "Just play the game."
Rose shrugged. "What the heck. I'll play if you like. Play to win."
"Three, two, one and cue." Said the floor manager.
"The rules are very simple." Said the Ann Droid. "The object of each round is to create a chain of nine consecutive correct answers and earn an increasing amount for a single communal pot within a certain time limit. An incorrect answer breaks the chain and loses any money earned in that chain. However, before their question is asked, a contestant can choose to bank the current amount of money earned in a chain to a safe pot, after which the chain starts afresh. So, with that in mind, albeit your very small minds, let's play The Weakest link. Start the clock." She swivveled her head to face the first contestant. "Agorax, the name of which basic food stuff is an anagram of the word 'beard'?"
"Bread." Said Agorax.
"Correct." The Annd Droid swivveled to face the next person. "Fitch, in the Pan Traffic Calendar, which month comes after Hoob?"
Fitch stammered for a moment, then said, "Is it Clavadoe?
"No, Pandoff. Rose, in maths, what is 258 minus 158?"
Rose was just sniggering. She had no idea how she'd ended up here of all places, but her travels had taken away her ability to be surprised. Besides, this was quite fun. "One hundred!" She said, glad to have got a maths question, rather than a cultural-based one.
"Correct. Roderick."
"Bank." Roderick said.
"Which letter of the alphabet appears in the word dangle but not in the word gland?
"E." He said confidently.
"Correct. Colleen, in social security, what D is the name of the payment given to Martian Drones?
"Default."
"Correct. Broff, the Great Cobalt Pyramid is built on the remains of which famous Old Earth Institute?"
Broff had a look on his face, like the idiot in the back of class who's abruptly been called up by the teacher. "Er, Touchdown?" He said, trying desperately to remember some history lesson he hadn't really paid attention to.
"No, Torchwood. Agorax, in language, all five examples of which type of letter appear in the word facetious?"
"Vowels."
"Correct. Fitch, in biology, which blood cells contain iron? Red or white?"
"White."
"No, red. Rose, in the holovid series 'Jupiter Rising', the Grexnik is married to whom?"
Rose laughed again. Her lack of future knowledge suddenly made her chances of playing to win look slim. "How should I know?"
"No, the correct answer is Lord Drayvole."
Up in the control room, Davitch and Nadine were now looking at Rose with just as much fascination as he'd been looking at the Doctor. "Why's she laughing?" Nadine said. Didn't this girl realise... It suddenly dawned on her. This girl didn't realise at all!
"And I've got a housemate who appeared out of no-where." Said Davitch. "Told you. It's like the game's running itself."
In the style room, Jack was having a similar level of fun. He was busy trying on a black jeans and vest combination, which he tested by adopting a series of action hero poses in the mirrors, while the robots, who identified themselves as Trin-EE and Zu-Zanna, offered their own observations.
"It's the buccaneer look." Said Trin-EE. "A touch of Pyred. And a little dash of President Schwarzenegger."
Jack peered over his reflection. "I'm not sure about the vest. I was thinking a little colour to spice things up."
"Absolutely not!" Said Zu-Zanna. "Never wear black with colour. It makes the colour look cheap and the black look boring."
Jack shrugged. They seemed to be programmed to know what they were talking about.
"Now let's talk jackets..."
"I kinda like the first one..." Jack reached for a leather trench coat.
"No. Too Hell's Angel. Try this one." She pulled a waist length jacket from the rack. "Shorter, so it shows off the bum." A point she illustrated by patting him there.
"Works for me." He grinned, patting her metallic breasts.
"Once we've sorted out the outfit, we can look at the face." Said Trin-EE. "Ever thought about plastic surgery?"
"A little bit." He shrugged. "Tighten up the jaw line. Maybe raise these eyebrows a bit..."
"A little more ambition I think." Said Zu-Zanna. "Let's try something, cutting edge." Unseen By Jack, she ran a final fault check on her chainsaw attachment.
"So Rose." Said the Ann Droid. "What do you actually do?"
"Just, travel a bit." She shrugged.
"Travel is another way of saying unemployed."
"Well... It's not quite like that..."
"Do you have a job?"
"Well, no, but..."
"Then you are unemployed. And yet you still have money for peroxide. Anyway, why Fitch?"
"Well, she... got a couple of questions wrong." Rose glanced to the woman on her right. A tear was trickling down her cheek. She wondered what she'd said to get the woman that upset.
"And you'd know about that, wouldn't you?" The Droid accused.
Rose was impressed. Whoever had programmed this machine had done their job well. "Well, I can't vote for myself. So... It had to be Fitch."
Looking to her right, she saw that Fitch was crying much harder. Was this really so important to her? "I'm sorry, but that's how the game is played. I had to vote for someone...
"Let me try again." Fitch sobbed, suddenly in near hysterics. "It was the lights and everything I couldn't concentrate..."
"In fact, with three answers wrong, it's Broff who was the weakest link. But it's votes that count."
"I'm sorry." Fitch practically screamed. "Oh God, please help me!"
Rose glanced around at some of the others. Each was avoiding looking at Fitch. Broff, looked positively sick. She was beginning to realise that something was seriously wrong.
"Fitch. You are the weakest link. Goodbye." Said the Ann Droid. She opened her mouth and a probe extended. A beam of light shot out and Fitch went up in a puff of smoke.
"And cut to adverts." Said the floor manager, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. "Back on in five."
"Wait a minute!" Said Rose. "What just happened?"
"She was the weakest link, she gets disintegrated." Roderick shrugged. At Rose's blank look, he added "Blasted into atoms."
But Rose's blank look was for entirely different reasons. "But I voted for her!" She looked in horror at the board in her hands. "This is sick! All of you are sick! I'm not..."
"I'm not playing!" Broff beat her to it. "I'm sorry, I can't do it!" He turned to run, as the other contestants suddenly became very interested in their shoes again. The Ann Droid lazily spun its head round and shot him with the beam. Broff vanished from sight.
"Don't run." Said Roderick. "It's play or die."
Author's Notes: Technically, Big Brother comes from Channel 4, later 5. But the BBC do show footage of it sometimes so I assume they have some clips in their archives.
I don't recall the woman in the control room being given a name on screen. Nor does the TARDIS index file have one listed. Nadine's as good a name as any.