Chapter 1 – The Disgruntled Dwarf
"This chicken tastes rubbery," said Erica. Cecilia rolled her eyes,
"Have you ever eaten rubber?' Erica pondered the many household items she had devoured and came to the conclusion that rubber was not one of them.
"No," said she.
"Oh my GOSH! There he is!' Cecilia squealed at the top of her lungs,
"Baury!"
"That is the weirdest name ever!" Erica said, but it was a lost cause – Cecilia was staring blankly ahead.
"His beauty is everlasting," she mumbled. Erica rolled her eyes and asked
'So when are you guys going to get together? Everyone's wondering, you flirt so openly, it's disgusting'
Suddenly out of the sky came a large chunk of chicken that Erica had tossed into the air earlier and hit Baury on the head.
"Owies!" he cried and began to sob and writhe around on the ground. Erica mumbled her apologies and left Cecilia to fend for the apology. Baury came over, angry, and demanded an explanation from Cecilia who was preoccupied with staring at his…hairy…face. When he was angry the hair would move around at an alarming rate. But his expression softened as he beheld the wondrous face of Cecilia and slapped it. She knew that in his native culture this was a sign of love so she slapped him back. He immediately knew what she meant, and wrapped his…hairy…arms around her, squeezing her nearly to death, and she was happy.
Let's explain our main characters for a second here. Cecilia is an auburn-haired individual with HUGE snot-colored eyes, big pretty lips and a freckled face. It doesn't sound attractive, but it is. Her big, imploring eyes beg at you like a lost, beaten puppy searching for a home.
Erica (1987-2005) was a short one with a mass of long BLOND curly hair that tumbled down her shoulders. She usually kept this massive entity wrapped in a swirl on the top of her head. She had dainty little features including a dainty little nose and dainty little eyes and dainty little lips out of which erupted a not-so dainty little laugh. Her petite figure was often disguised in a sea of denim and t-shirt material and her feet were coated in old socks and sneakers. Mmmmmmm…
'So are you guys dating now?' Erica inquired of a perky looking Cecilia later on in the day. But Cecilia had no time to answer. At that moment, her phone began to ring. She answered
"Hello Cecilia. Do you remember me?" It was the voice of a sinister criminal, a criminal Cecilia and Erica thought they had killed many years ago.
'Mr. S' Cecilia hissed evilly, baring her teeth while not realizing that being on the phone, he couldn't see this defensive action. A laugh on the other end of the line was the only response.
"You always were the smart one, Cecilia. You thought you could get rid of me! FOOL!" it said in between the laughter. Erica was looking at a bug. It was an interesting bug.
"Have fun with your new BOYFRIEND!" Mr. S laughed evilly and the line went dead. Erica spit on the bug.
"Who was that?" she asked. Cecilia's face was white and cold. Erica did not notice a difference. Suddenly the ground began to rumble and a large red vehicle came from the earth. In it, sat an old friend. Garlic.
'Shit.' Erica swore, and hopped into the back. 'What are you doing here? Don't you usually call us?' Garlic laughed
'Oh. That thing is broken. Mr. S is on the loose again and he has a new assistant. Be aware! He has learned his mistake in hiring the Canadian, it will be a different nationality, but be aware! Be on your best guard.' With that, Garlic zoomed away, forgetting that the car was supposed to be bequeathed to Cecilia and Erica to aid in their Mr. S capture. Cecilia was sad that he forgot. Erica was sad that he ran over her bug. She mourned. Then they went to get coffee and mull over their new found dilemma. As they were ordering the coffee, a man in a black jump suit jumped out from behind the counter. He tried to beat them up but they used their insane skills in order to stop the attack and leave him in a bloody pool on the ground.
"That was a close one," said Erica as she stole cookies from the cookie jar.
'He was hot' Cecilia said regretfully.
Thoroughly bloodied, they took their seats on the outside when Baury and a very hot Australian boy came up to them.
"'Ello!' said the Aussie, 'I'm new 'ere!' Erica did not recognize him but Cecilia did. He was the international pop sensation, Smaret Gates. She had all of his albums. She was a big fan of his number 1 hit single "In the closet of my heart, you are hanging on the hanger of my love". Erica's mouth dropped open. Baury smirked, while putting his pudgy arm around Cecilia's waist. Erica was too busy enjoying Smaret who had burst into song. Then, out of the sewer came another man in a black jump suit. Cecilia threw an old scone at him. It killed him instantly. Erica ate the scone. Smaret was really impressed and asked for Erica's phone number and she was very happy.
'Ah. Yes, you have finally gotten into their circle' Evil laughter ensues. Smaret smiled, 'she has no idea'. He then burst into song.
Erica was sitting in her room and dreaming of Smaret. She got up and put on a ball gown. She stood in the mirror,
"Why Smaret, you want to dance with me?" she giggled, "Oh Smaret! You're so funny!" Cecilia walked out of the bathroom and joined her with a frilly dress on
'Oh BAURY! You little fox, you!'
'Yes. I am quite the fox!' They whirled around. There stood Baury and Smaret, who had climbed in through the window. Baury was in a tuxedo. Smaret was in a pair of tight black trousers and a sequined purple top. Erica ripped it off of him. And underneath was a pair of nice, baggy pants. They all walked to the window and got into Baury's car to go for a ride.
Little did they know, but as they left the room, sinister laughter from a scorned Canadian echoed. He was hiding in one of Erica's dresses. He walked over to the mirror,
"Oh Smaret! You devil, you! I know it's wrong that I love you but kiss me, YOU FOOL!" He sang from memory one of Smaret's hit singles.
"My love runs from my heart like blood. Woo hoo! You fill my capillaries with the plasma of joy! Let me be your aortic dysfunction cause baby you know, you are mine! The doctor says I'm going to die but I know that is a lie. It's not grease that clogs my arteries; it's thoughts of you and meeeee!"
Erica stared serenely out the window of Baury's jeep. Cecilia, the smarter, asked
'Why in the blue HELL are we going out in the middle of a dark, enchanted forest?' Baury smiled evilly,
'It's romantic.' Just as he said this, a giant, magical tree crushed the hell out of his jeep. Luckily, the four of them managed to get out alive. Smaret cried for a bit and changed his pants and then all was well. Erica was excited! She skipped and hopped and danced! Cecilia wondered if Erica was taking drugs again. Baury snorted some cocaine. It was an odd day.
Suddenly a giant fairy came from the trees. Its name was Womble. Womble was very attractive but Womble was very ugly as well. He looked oddly familiar, and Erica blurted out,
"Mr. S? What are you doing in a fairy suit?' Mr. S was disturbed because he thought Erica and Cecilia wouldn't recognize him in a dress and tights, he thought they remembered him in his snug devil suit. But as his fairy suit was also snug, it didn't really make much of a difference.
"Damn! Plan B!" A helicopter picked him up,
"By the way, the only way you can get of out of this forest alive is by passing 5 tests! GOOD LUCK! You'll need it! Actually, I take it back! BAD LUCK! Oh yes, I am just that evil…" Suddenly he fell out of the helicopter and broke both his legs. Little did he know that that happened on purpose, the scorned Canadian had cut the ladder. So there were six people locked in the forest; two innocent girls, 3 evil men, and one scorned Canadian.
"I wonder if the first test is a pie eating contest…" Erica pondered.
"This reminds me of my hit song 'Lost in the Enchanted Death Forest of Love'" Smaret noted and began singing it in order to refresh everyone's memory. Suddenly the sky went black and the trees began to sparkle like diamonds. Out of the sky came the first administrator of the first test. Bob the red squirrel.
He read out the rules
'You are never to discuss these specific multiple choice questions with anyone at any time, EVER! The Free-response section, however, can be discussed after a total of 48 hours has gone by. Open your sealed section one packet and begin'
"Oh no! A real test!" Smaret cried. Baury smiled. He knew he would ace it because he had the answer key. Smaret also had the answer key. Smaret was an idiot. They began to take the test. It was Advanced Calculus pronunciation Cal KOO lust Super Genius ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP with an emphasis on being SUPER SMART! Erica began to write and immediately began getting everything right! Bob began throwing honey buns at her to distract her but she quickly finished and saved her and Cecilia from certain doom.
'I've never even taken AP Enchanted Forest class before' Smaret lamented, until he realized that this wasn't an enchanted forest test after all. Smaret was an idiot. After being graded, 5 out of the six people in the group passed. Smaret did not. He was an idiot as he managed to fail when he had the answer key. He was forced to feed Bob grapes for all eternity. Erica would save him later. For now, she had to make it through the next 4 tests.
A black crow suddenly landed on her shoulder.
"If you want to know the way to go just take a train and eat a crow." The crow flew away.
"A riddle!" Cecilia gasped! "We have to figure out the riddle and then we'll pass this test."
"I think you should DIE NOW!" Baury screamed.
"What?" Cecilia asked.
"Nothing," Baury mumbled.
'WAIT! NO!" screamed Cecilia frantically at Erica who was currently munching on a train. Erica had thought the riddle said to eat a train. The passengers were very angry. She mumbled an apology, spraying a nasty mixture of saliva and human bits on the remaining passengers.
"Ok, so the riddle," Cecilia said choosing to ignore Erica's cannibalistic indiscretion.
"Let's see…take a train and eat a crow…What could that mean?"
"I like cake," Erica noted. She was also an idiot. Baury glared,
"I think it means you should jump off OF a cliff! Or a clif!' Suddenly, Clif appeared.
"Congratulations. You've figured out the riddle. As you know if you take a train, you are riding the Clif Express and my middle name is Crow"
"WHAT!" Cecilia said but didn't question further. They all just stared. And stared.
The sky turned normal and they began to journey across the way before Erica stopped in front of a tree.
'Cecilia! It's the same bug as earlier' Erica stared at the bug. Cecilia rolled her eyes.
'Erica get away from there' Erica tried to touch the bug, but it was a trap and a door opened beneath her and she fell down an endless pit.
"This is the third test!" Cecilia realized, "We have to figure out how to save her!"
"I'm going to eat your ear!" screamed Baury. He was really starting to be annoying. Cecilia shoved him in the pit. Little did she know, but her Baury had wings that he never knew about. He flapped around a bit, surprised before coming up again with the damsel snuggled in his…hairy…arms.
"YAY!" Cecilia sang! Erica spit out a mouthful of hair.
"It didn't taste like cake," she noted.
They had passed three tests. Now they only had two left. It was a great feeling. So great that they decided to stop for a picnic. Erica brought the chicken. Baury had a nice dish of mac'n 'cheese and Cecilia baked some steaming brownies. They feasted. Suddenly, out of the forest came the hottest apparition of a man – a total goth with long, curly brown hair. He seemed….familiar some how, Erica thought maybe she had met him once in high school. She thought he was hot, so she ran up to him and presented him with a chicken. He threw it in her face. He was neither a hungry nor a happy goth.
"What do you want?" Cecilia insisted.
"I want you all to follow me." And so they did. They were all pretty much idiots. Erica gnawed his ankles. They did taste like cake.
Suddenly, Cecilia tripped and nearly fell off a cliff, but the goth saved her in his manly, strong arms. Cecilia sighed, smiling at him.
"What's your name?' she asked sweetly.
'Josh' he replied, running his hands through his disheveled, curly hair, which suddenly wasn't looking gross to Cecilia anymore.
"I would you to meet my opposing half. The yin to my yang if you will. TODD!" At that moment, a sexy gorgeous man who looked worthy of male modeling appeared. Goodness, he was hot. He had short dark hair and was wearing some nice Armani fashions on his body. Erica was grossed out but strangely attracted.
'What are you doing here?' Cecilia questioned them.
'Oh. We've been lost for years in the forest' this didn't explain how Todd managed to get Armani fashions to adorn his lovely body.
'We're on test # 4' Said Josh.
'Oh! So are we!' Cecilia squealed. "Wait, how long did it take you guys to finish the first three?"
"Oh, like ten minutes," said Todd flashing Erica his appealing grin of pearly whites. It would prove to be an interesting test.
A monkey had a large nose. It landed on Todd's head and began scratching it furiously. Cecilia did not understand what was going on. Erica did. Erica knew many secrets of the forest. For the truth of her identity was that she was a forest nymph named Skala. Skala had been transformed into a human many years ago and had been befriended only by the young Ms. Cecilia. She knew that the monkey nose was a sacred sign of evil within 10 yards. She screamed and jumped out of the way of the falling uh…tarzan and it landed instead on Todd, and instantly killed him. But he was resurrected by the healing power of Erica's kiss on the forehod. if you don't know where the forehod is, you are stupid. If you do know where the forehod is, you are lying
'You have past the fourth test – resurrecting the dead' shouted the evil monkey while shaking his red ass at them. Josh was shocked. Many had died in the past few years and he had feasted on their flesh but never attempted to resurrect them. He had been waiting for Todd to die so he could eat him in a fine Armani sauce. Josh was insane. But Cecilia loved him for it, for she too, was insane.
'RAWR!' screamed Baury while prancing around in an elephant suit. Cecilia grew tired of his antics. Erica grew tired. She took a nap on a bed of pencil shavings that was resting near an eraser tree. Josh kept watch. He had eyes like a blind rabbit. Ergo, he didn't notice as a large, hulky shape slithered over to them. It was a rolling ball of fat also known as…FRIEND! He had gained weight, a lot of weight. He now looked like a giant jelly roll. Erica thought she could eat him. She was wrong. She lost herself in his fat. Todd rescued her. It was beautiful.
Erica stared at his beautiful-ness, Friend, that is, not Todd. He all of the sudden he shrunk to his former self, and Erica was charmed. But she didn't kiss him as there was no vodka or whiskey handy. She just stared. Friend smoked veed. He then gathered them around a fire so that he could tell them a story. He told the great forest tale of the missing forest nymph who was said to wield a power beyond all human knowledge. The tale went that the forest nymph had been transformed into a human in order to stunt her power and then would return to the forest someday and regain her rightful position. Friend was completely stoned. He also told the famous yarn about the beauteous mermaid who was morphed into a lowly human because she possessed powers unprecedented to her time- she could charm anything and anyone. Therefore, when they morphed her, they took these powers away perhaps this is why Cecilia is so uncharming. Baury attempted to dress Friend in his elephant suit. Friend was very resistant. Baury was very angry. He looked like a red hairy beast. Friend was intrigued.
'You look ho…I mean tired' said Josh, looking at the amazing Cecilia. She smiled sweetly because she knew when she had charmed a man.
'oh, no I don't' she blinked her eyes, seductively.
'Do you have something in your eyes?' Josh asked, concerned. Cecilia decided to drop the façade of flirting.
SUDDENLY, Erica realized that she had a map in her pants. She pulled it out and saw that it was an ancient treasure map that led to a place in the forest.
"This is the final test!" Erica squealed.
Baury drooled. Erica looked at the map, and realizing that her directional skills were that of table salt, she handed the map over to the more competent Cecilia. Cecilia bent over to look at the map, and behind her, Josh bent over to look at the map too. A lock of his curly hair brushed her cheek, and Cecilia was enchanted.
At that moment, Erica heard a cry from across the forest. Her nymph reflexes allowed her to reach the cry quickly. Todd had seen the passing figure of a scorned Canadian and it had made him a bit shaky. Erica rolled her eyes,
"Jeez man! Get OVER it!" She punched him. He glared at her,
"Why are you always so mean to me?" For some reason, Erica could not lie,
"Because I'm threatened by my feelings for you." Then she laughed, as it was a joke and Todd started crying large, salty tears.
'EUREKA! I've FOUND it!' shouted Cecilia. They gathered around the treasure chest and Josh fiddled with the lock until it opened, revealing……Smaret?
Smaret was inside the treasure chest singing his heart out. He did a seductive dance and his sallow skin shone in the dark light of the forest. Meow. Erica was shocked. She drooled. Baury also drooled. They weren't really sure what was wrong with him but now he was riding a giraffe and insisting it was his best friend, Susy. Susy was not real. Susy was a giraffe.
Smaret then tried to reach a really high note and his shrill, piercing voice hurt everyone and the forest gods came over and shoved them out.
'Congratulations, you have left the forest! Thanks to this piece of shit's crappy voice!'