Title: Our Love Will Rise Again (If Our Bones Crumble to the Soil)
Pairing: Santana/Brittany, Mrs. Lopez, Abuela Lopez.
Rating: R
Word Count: 12,700
Disclaimer: None of the Glee characters belong to me; I'm just borrowing them for a bit.
AN: This idea came to me after the news broke that Gloria Estefan was going to be playing Santana's mother, and she mentioned on twitter that she didn't think Santana was very happy with where her relationship with her abuela had ended and that maybe Mrs Lopez should have a word with Santana's abuela to sort her out.
Summary: Santana ignores the twinge that ripples through her stomach and shakes her head as if to erase the image of a family Christmas dinner where one chair that should have been occupied remained empty.
They enter the choir room for the first time of 2012 with their fingers laced, Brittany pulling Santana along as she hurries to reach their friends. Within seconds Brittany is pulling each member of the glee club into a one-armed hug, smiling brightly and chatting away as if they didn't just see them all only two weeks ago.
Santana stays quiet for the most part, smiling softly to herself as she watches Brittany; her eyes never tiring of capturing the way Brittany's face lights up, the corner of her eyes crinkling as she laughs at something ridiculous Sugar says.
"Did you have a nice break, Santana?" Tina asks, bringing Santana out of her Brittany-induced daze. "Get all that you wanted for Christmas?"
Santana ignores the twinge that ripples through her stomach and shakes her head as if to erase the image of a family Christmas dinner where one chair that should have been occupied remained empty.
Her gaze drops down to her lap where Brittany's hand is still tangled with her own; Brittany's fingers firm but gentle in their grasp as her thumb unconsciously caresses along Santana's skin.
Santana's mind flashes with memories filled of Brittany; of Brittany wearing her cute Santa hat, dangling mistletoe above their heads as she leans in to kiss Santana softly. Of Brittany handing her a present, eyes wide and lips anxiously pursed as she waits for Santana to discover what's inside. Of Brittany breathlessly whispering 'I love you' against her lips as her fingers work effortlessly between Santana's legs, bringing her higher and higher until Santana's whimpering out Brittany's name into the darkness and letting Brittany catch her with tender kisses and steadying hands.
Tina clears her throat to grab Santana's attention again, her mouth shaping into a knowing smirk when Santana finally looks back up to her with a deep blush colouring her cheeks.
"Everything I've ever wanted," Santana murmurs honestly, fighting the urge to roll her eyes at herself and how sickeningly in love she is. She tries to ignore the approving smile that tugs at Tina's lips because it's kind of gross how she and Brittany have become this adorable, well-liked fairytale couple that the glee-club likes to subtly gush about whenever they get the chance.
Luckily she's saved from the gushing because before Tina can reply, Mr. Schue parades into the room wearing what Santana can only presume is a new ugly sweater-vest – why he needs to keep buying more Santana will never comprehend – and holds his hand up in a half-wave-half shut-up and listen gesture.
"Welcome back gang! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas break," Mr Schue greets as he moves towards the board and grabs a pen.
Within seconds the word 'Regionals' is written big and bold in the centre and he's stalking back towards them with a constipated look on his face that Santana actually deems to be determination.
"That's right," Mr Schue continues. "Regionals will be here in a matter of weeks, and I think in order to make sure that we really give it our all this year we should start preparing early."
Santana flinches as Rachel pops out of the seat behind her like one of those damn whack-'um game puppets and turns to address them all. "Mr Schue is quite right. If we want to monopolise our talent this year we should start planning now. The early bird does indeed catch the worm, as the old saying goes."
Brittany shoots her a sidelong glance and squeezes her hand as if to prevent the annoyed filled insult from leaving Santana's mouth, and nods her head along with the collective agreement that passes around the room.
"I think we should do something fun," Blaine offers, standing up from his seat to make himself heard.
Santana has to fight the urge to tell him to sit the hell down and choke on his ugly bow-tie, remembering that she made Brittany a promise to tone down her insults if they weren't provoked or entirely essential.
(Santana remembers the adorable smile Brittany had given her when Santana had complained that all of her insults were essential, and how Brittany had climbed onto her lap and showered her face with kisses until the pout on Santana's lips had fallen away and she way promising she'd be good as long as Brittany rewarded her. It's a system that Santana has already enjoyed the benefits of. Totally worth biting her tongue whenever she can).
"And what fun song do you suggest?" Rachel demands, sounding a little irritated that her speech has been interrupted. "I'm sure you've exceeded your Katy Perry limit for the next few years, and I for one think that Finn and I are due for a much needed duet."
Blaine ignores Rachel's comment and moves down to say something to the band guys. "I was thinking something more along the lines of this..."
The room fills with the opening section of Pink's 'So What' and as Blaine starts to sing and dance in his horrible dad-at-a-wedding style around the room, the whole glee club joins in, smiling happily and simply enjoying the moment of being back together again.
There's an instant happiness that fills Santana as Brittany pulls her to her feet and twirls her around while they sing the lyrics at the top of their lungs. Santana doesn't know how to explain it, but there's something about being part of the glee-club that soothes her and Santana often wonders if that's the feeling Brittany means when she's talks about the glee-club being their family. Santana has to admit that it does feel pretty amazing to be so comfortable and at ease while she's surrounded by people that know the real her. She's never had that before and now that she has... well, she doesn't really want it to ever end.
As the song comes to an end and everybody settles back into their seats, chattering away and high-fiving each other at how awesome their performance was, the sound of clicking heels rips through their excited atmosphere and a voice Santana knows all too well draws the club's attention.
"Excuse me, sir," The woman greets meekly, her shoulders crumpled and her face downcast.
"May I help you?" Mr Schue asks kindly, his face merging into concern as he turns to face the woman who clearly looks upset.
Santana's chest tightens with dread as dark, familiar eyes search her out. There's a pained sadness in them that Santana's only seen once before in her life, and before a word is spoken, Santana just knows.
"Santana..." Her mother starts, ignoring Mr Schue and addressing Santana directly as her mouth opens and closes a couple of times while she struggles to find the words she needs. "I'm so sorry mija... your abuela she... she passed away this morning"
The words echo around Santana's head until there's nothing left in her ears but the deafening sound of her hammering pulse. She feels frozen in place, her limbs numb and heavy as her heart clenches unbearably in her chest.
"She suffered a massive heart attack," Her mother continues, her voice wavering with threatening tears. "The doctors said there was nothing they could have done... Santana, say something."
Santana isn't aware of everyone's eyes on her until she chokes on a heavy, spluttered breath, her chest heaving painfully as her lungs fight to drawn in oxygen. She sees the sympathy written across their faces, the way that they all look at her with pity just like they did when Finn forced his stupid lady-week upon her, and it suddenly all feels like too much. She's suffocating under their unexpected display of friendship and she really needs it to stop before they drag her down and allow her to break. Santana knows she'll never heal if they let her shatter this badly.
"I... can you go," Santana forces the words out, ignoring how hoarse her voice sounds through the screeching white noise that's ringing in her ears. "Please. This is- I'm in glee Mamá, I can't... you need to go."
Her mother's face falls at her request and she shakes her head and pleads Santana to say something once again as tears finally escape from her eyes. Santana doesn't realise that she's shaking until Brittany's arm wraps around her back, pulling her closer and murmuring her name repeatedly to try and draw her attention.
It's the sob that rips from her mother's throat as she takes a step towards Santana with her arms held out as if to offer an embrace that jolts Santana up from her seat, her feet rapidly backing away from them all, her jaw setting squarely as she shakes her head in refusal.
"I can't do this right now," Santana starts, her sneakers catching against the floor and squeaking loudly. "Sue needs me to- I have to go."
She hears her mother and Brittany call after her as she bolts from the room, her legs quickening into a run as she weaves between the students in the hallway, her body working on automatic as it searches for a way out of this nightmare she's stumbled into unprepared.
Santana makes it as far as her and Brittany's lockers before she doubles over, her palms supporting her weight against her thighs as she struggles for breath. Brittany's by her side a second later, curling her arm beneath Santana's and murmuring, "Not here," as she drags Santana into the nearest girls' toilets.
It's only once Brittany's sure that they're alone that she pulls Santana into her body, running her hands soothingly up and down Santana's back as she whispers, "I'm here. I've got you," against the crown of Santana's head.
Santana feels the familiar burn behind her eyes, and knows that usually by now she'd be sobbing into Brittany's neck, and clinging to Brittany's body in order to anchor herself to reality as she tries to remember everything she has in life that's good. But this time the tears don't come, instead Santana feels weightless in Brittany's arms as if she's getting washed away and lost in the agonizing tidal-wave of her echoing thoughts; '…your abuela she... she passed away this morning...'.
The only reason that Santana knows that everything happening around her is real is the gnawing feeling of guilt and anger and utter helplessness that continues to claw at her skin, refusing even for a second, to let her absorb the comfort of Brittany's embrace.
Brittany keeps shooting her concerned sidelong glances as she drives them back to Santana's house. Santana hasn't spoken a word since her mother barged into their safe haven and dashed her happiness within a few split seconds, and Santana knows that her behaviour is worrying Brittany but she can't find it in herself to reassure her like she normally would.
Santana ignores the desperation in Brittany's eyes, her silent plea for Santana to say something, anything, just to let her know that she's okay as Brittany reaches across the centre console to hold her hand. But Santana can't, whenever she tries the words just crawl up her chest and get lodged in her throat, stuck somewhere in the emptiness she feels.
She doesn't have the energy to try harder.
So she settles for pressing her forehead against the cool glass of the window and stares out at the rows of houses they pass as they travel towards her neighbourhood, and Santana can't help but think how fuzzy and unstable everything suddenly looks now that her world has been knocked off-kilter.
Santana doesn't even notice that they've pulled up outside of her house until Brittany is opening the passenger door for her and reaching across Santana's body to unbuckle her seatbelt. There's a kind sadness to Brittany's eyes that immediately makes Santana's heart ache, and so she makes sure that she's the one to lace their hands together, giving Brittany's a soft squeeze, and offering whatever shred of reassurance she can as she lets Brittany walk her up to her house.
Brittany stops her when they reach the front door and Santana sees the conflict in Brittany's eyes as Brittany struggles with what she's supposed to do. Santana's run hot and cold so often over the past couple of years that sometimes, even now that they're together, Brittany will get this look in her eyes like she's unbearably unsure of what she's meant to do; not wanting to make a wrong move and send Santana lashing out or running away again.
A rush of guilt makes Santana tighten her hold on Brittany's hand as she forces a smile towards her, feeling lucky that Brittany knows her well enough by now just to know that Santana needs her and that she doesn't want Brittany to disappear and leave her to deal with this on her own.
There's a silent conversation spoken between them then as their eyes meet and Brittany takes a step forward, pressing her warm lips to the cool skin of Santana's forehead, lingering just long enough for Santana's eyes to flutter shut as her body melts into the comforting gesture.
Without another word, Brittany opens the Lopez household front door and tugs Santana to follow in behind her. Santana shivers at the cold, clinical atmosphere of her house, never a place that's ever had that messy, lived in vibe like the Pierce's. Her parents, while loving when they were around, spent the majority of time busy with work, meaning that their house had always been neat and easy to keep. Or lifeless, as Santana has always called it. Today, her assessment feels more right than ever.
The silence flowing throughout the house feels heavier than it usually does as Brittany leads Santana towards the light illuminating from beneath the kitchen door, stretching out in elongated patterns in the narrow hallway, and Santana has to fight the urge to scream just so that the deafening buzzing of stillness in her head will disappear.
Her mother is sitting at the dining table, eyes staring out into emptiness with her hands wrapped around a cup, the smell of coffee hitting Santana's nostrils as they make their way further into the room.
"Mrs Lopez," Brittany speaks softly, careful not to startle her.
Santana watches as her mother blinks rapidly a few times before pushing herself upright and letting her gaze trail over to them.
"There's a pot of coffee on, I could get you both a cup if you'd like?" Her mother rambles, her eyes sparking a little brighter now that she's set her sight on Santana, but her mother's soft tone and pleading eyes only serve to heighten the numbness that ripples through Santana's body.
"That would be nice, thanks Mrs Lo," Brittany replies, waiting until she's disappeared to get the coffee before she pulls a chair out and sits Santana down. She drags the chair next to Santana's even closer and covers Santana's hands that are resting idly in her lap with her own.
It's a little thing really, the way that Brittany keeps reaching out and pulling their hands together, but every time she does Santana feels a shock of warmth run through her fingers and up her arm, jolting her back to reality and reminding her that Brittany is still right there holding on to her; that Brittany will never let her float too far away, and for that Santana is eternally grateful.
Her mother returns moments later holding two steaming cups of coffee and slides them across the table to her and Brittany before sitting back down and taking a mouthful of her own drink.
Santana doesn't touch her coffee, instead she lets her gaze concentrate on the steam that rises out of the cup, watching as the smoky-whiteness twirls and swirls into different shapes as it flutters in the air like a translucent flame.
"It was your abuela's friend, Nita, that called me," Her mother starts, piercing Santana with sad, sunken eyes. "They'd been out shopping together, gotten some lunch and then stopped at the market to pick up some groceries."
Santana doesn't really want to know how it all happened. What does it matter anyway, all that matters is that it has happened. Her abuela is dead. Knowing anything more than that won't change a single thing.
"Your abuela was unpacking her things when she clutched at her chest..." Santana hears the waver in her mother's voice and feels the palm of Brittany's hand squeeze at her thigh, as if to try and persuade Santana to show some kind of reaction to her mother's words. "Nita, was the one who called the ambulance but by the time they got there it was... she was already gone, Santana, there was nothing they could do for her."
Santana can feel Brittany's eyes burning into the side of her head, can feel her mother's eyes begging her for a response, any response, but all Santana can do is stare down at her coffee. It feels like everything is washing over her, like she's trapped, unable to do any more than breathe and try not to think about the way her chest feels like it's constricting beneath her cheerio's jacket.
"Mija," Her mother murmurs, stretching her hand out across the table as far as she can reach. "Please say something. Tell me what you're feeling."
The question bounces around inside Santana's head in a continuous loop, getting louder and louder each time – what are you feeling, what are you feeling, what are you feeling. She squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head defiantly, trying to erase her thoughts as if her mind could be cleared like an etch-a-sketch.
Santana licks at her lips and swallows away the thickness in her throat before she manages to get out, "Nothing. I feel... nothing."
She catches a glance of Brittany's concerned frown out of the corner of her eye, while managing to avoid looking at her mother. It isn't until the sound of a chair scraping backwards screeches in her ears that Santana looks up to see her mother looming down at her with teary, angry eyes.
"You must be feeling something, Santana. You can't just be feeling nothing, she was your abuela," Her mother's voice is shaking, even as she tries to take control. When Santana still doesn't say anything her mother reverts to her softer tone. "I know that she hurt you, mija, with what she said, but she was still your abuela, you have to be feeling something."
The constricting pressure in her chest snaps at her mother's words and Santana finds herself pushing up to her feet, her hands shaking uncontrollably as a wave of emotion rushes out of her.
"You really want to know how I feel?" Santana growls, her voice loud but calm with intention. Her mother's eyes widen at her outburst but she says nothing in response. "I feel empty. Do you have any idea how much it kills me to know that the woman I grew up idolising, the woman that I respected more than anyone else in this world, the one person that I needed to accept me... died hating me?"
Santana sees the fight leave her mother's body at her words, and watches as her mother's eyes cloud with understanding and sympathy.
"Oh, sweetheart, she didn't hate you," Her mother breathes out, stepping closer to her and ducking her head to hold Santana's gaze as she tries to look away.
"Yeah, well she sure didn't love me either, did she?" Santana bites back, hating that sad, pitying look that's etched its way onto her mother's face, as if she truly believes that her abuela did love her. Santana moves abruptly away from her mother and Brittany as if they both might try and gang up on her and force her to believe this painful lie. "The last conversation that I will ever get to have with her, was her telling me that who I am is disgusting and shameful. That my lifestyle is a sin that I could have chosen to keep locked away, and that she wanted me to get out of her house because she never wanted to see me again."
"She just... needed time to adjust, mija," Her mother defends. "She would have come around eventually, I know she would. She just needed more time."
"Well guess what?" Santana retorts, her brow furrowed as she shakes her head and holds out her hands. "We're all out of time because she's gone Mamá, and she's not coming back. Ever. She died without understanding and accepting who I am. And that's just something I have to live with and so do you."
Santana doesn't wait for a reply before she turns on her heel and storms out of the kitchen, leaving her mother and thoughts of her abuela loving her behind.
Santana isn't sure how long she's been lying in her bed, hidden away beneath the protection of her duvet before a fracture of light splinters into the darkness of her room as the door opens and closely almost in utter silence.
She listens to the gentle pitter-patter of Brittany's footsteps as she gracefully makes her way across the room, until Brittany's crouching down besides her bed and reaching out with a careful hand to delicately brush the hair out of Santana's face, tucking it behind Santana's ear before stroking her thumb across the smoothness of Santana's cheekbone.
"We don't have to talk, and you don't have to cry or even acknowledge me if you don't want to," Brittany whispers softly as she stares into Santana's eyes and continues to caress her cheek. "But in a minute I'm going to slip out of my uniform and crawl into bed next to you, and then I'm going to pull you into my arms and hold you, just so you know that I'm here, okay?"
Santana closes her eyes at the sudden rush of love she feels and nods her head in agreement.
"Okay," Brittany replies, stroking over her cheek one last time before she pushes herself onto her feet and disappears into the darkness.
Santana keeps her eyes closed as she listens to the sound of Brittany undoing the zippers on her uniform, and the sound of rustling fabric as she lift the duvet and scoots into the empty space in the bed behind Santana.
A split second later, strong arms are wrapping around Santana's tiny frame as Brittany pulls her impossibly close, letting their bodies press together until there isn't an inch of space left between them.
Santana listens to the sound of their breathing, taking comfort in the way that it doesn't take long for their pattern to sync up as if they were one body instead of two.
Brittany's palm rubs soothing circles against her stomach as her nose nuzzles softly at the nape of Santana's neck, and as Santana lets herself relax into everything Brittany, she feels her heart rhythm become slow and steady for the first time in hours, its beat just as strong and constant as the feeling of Brittany's against her back.
The pain she feels then is a dull ache that settles in her bones and lingers. "My abuela's really dead, isn't she?" Santana whispers, her voice catching as the words tumble from her lips in actual realisation.
Brittany's hand stills on her stomach and she lets herself breathe quietly for a few more seconds before she whispers back, "Yeah, baby, she is."
Santana squeezes her eyes shut even tighter as Brittany's confirmation sinks into her skin, and she pulls Brittany's hand up to her chest, pressing Brittany's palm against the space over her heart.
Brittany dusts a kiss to the back of her neck, murmurs a gentle, "I love you," into Santana's ear, and lets Santana tangle their fingers together over her heart as a much needed reminder that no matter what happens Brittany's still there with her and she's not going anywhere without her.
On the day of the funeral it rains relentlessly; the sky is covered in a blanket of dark clouds that coat the world in a gloomy, sorrowful light that matches Santana's mood perfectly.
Santana lets the rhythmical pitter-patter of the raindrops wrap her in a trance as Brittany helps her change into her dress and pins up her hair for her. Her father appears a moment later, tapping on her door softly before popping his head inside to inform them that the car has arrived. Brittany tells him that they'll be down in a minute as Santana fails to do anything more than notice the dark bags that surround even his eyes. She hates nothing more than seeing her parents look so sad and vulnerable when they're normally so solid and strong, that it makes the hallow ache in her chest clench sharply.
Brittany stands and slips her hand into Santana's, leading her wordlessly down and out to the car until they're settled inside along with her parents. Santana turns her head away and watches the water droplets trickle down the window as they travel to the church, Brittany's thumb never ceasing in stroking against her skin.
It's not a large gathering, but Santana thinks it's big enough as she looks around at the thirty-or-so people all dressed in black; more darkness on a dark day she notes briefly. Her parents look small and defeated as people take their turns to approach them and offer their condolences. Santana tries not to notice the way that a couple of the elderly ladies with weepy eyes, clutch at the crucifixes hanging around their necks as they flick their eyes over at where Santana's stood – hand still entwined with Brittany's – shaking their heads as if they know and agree with her abuela's judgement on her sinful lifestyle.
Brittany seems to sense what she's feeling because she tightens her hold on Santana's hand and leans in to ghost a kiss against Santana's temple before leading her into the church so that they can take their seats up at the front.
The service passes in a blur, only the sound of sporadic sobbing from her mother and father seems to register on her radar, and it only serves as a reminder of the lack of burning behind her own eyes. She hasn't cried yet despite feeling like she should. People had been tip-toeing around her at school all week, offering their deepest sympathies and asking her if she was okay – except for Brittany, who knows without asking that she's not – and all she could do was nod and say she was fine as the emptiness inside her kept her numb.
Santana doesn't notice that the inside-service has ended until Brittany is looping their arms together and leading Santana outside behind the others, the umbrella Brittany's holding once again creating the mesmerising sound of rain that Santana instantly loses herself in.
It isn't until the coffin is being lowered into the ground that Santana's broken out of her haze, the minister's voice ringing in her ears as he recites, "Unto Almighty God we commend the soul of our sisterdeparted, and we commit herbody to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection unto eternal life..."
Brittany's arm slips around her waist and holds her upright as Santana's legs threaten to give out, her chest tightening as she struggles to draw in breath. Her mother and father step forward, dropping soil and roses down onto the coffin, and Santana finally looks across to meet her mother's eyes, taking in the way that she nods her head slightly, her face red and puffy, pleading Santana to take the step forward and do the same... to say one final goodbye to her abuela.
"You can do this, baby. I've got you," Brittany whispers into her ear as she leads Santana forward, their footsteps making a slapping sound against the sodden ground as they move.
Santana accepts the handful of soil she's offered and turns her face towards Brittany, noticing for the first time the redness surrounding her glassy blue eyes; surprised to see that her pain is Brittany's pain too. Brittany reaches her hand over the coffin and drops in her rose, turning back to Santana and offering an encouraging half-smile.
Santana releases a shuddery breath and stretches out her arm, closing her eyes momentarily and gathering strength before watching the soil trickle between her fingers as she opens her hand and releases it onto her abuela's coffin, the rain helping to wash away every speck as if it were possible to cleanse Santana's grief just that easily.
But Santana knows that letting go of somebody you love isn't that simple, her abuela taught her that a long time ago.
/~/
Santana doesn't really understand why everyone at her abuela's house is dressed in black and looking like they just got their favourite toy broken, but she does know that her parents have been sharing hushed whispers all day and stroking their fingers through Santana's hair as if to soothe her, even though it's her abuela that can't stop crying, not her.
She's might only be six, but she knows the words 'life' and 'death', she learned them at school when Susie Carmichael came in crying because her pet cat, Fluffy, had died. But Santana doesn't get why her mami and papi keep telling her that her abuelo has gone to sleep with the angels. Surely if her aubelo has just gone for a nap with the angels he'll come back soon and then her abuela won't have to be upset anymore.
Santana doesn't understand, and every time she tries to ask her mami when Abuelo will wake up her mother starts crying and her papi tells her to be a good girl and go and play quietly. She decides to go and ask her aubela instead, because she knows that her abuela will know just what to do to get the angels to wake Abuelo up and then everyone can stop being all weird and sad, and Santana can get them all to sing along with her on the karaoke-machine she got for her birthday.
She finds her abuela up in her bedroom, sitting in the big comfy rocking-chair that Santana likes to play on sometimes when she has sleepovers at their house.
Her abuela looks up at her as Santana shuffles into the room, wiping at her eyes before holding her arms open. "Come and sit with me, Santanita."
Santana scrambles onto her abuela's lap at the invitation and cuddles into the warmth of her body, tilting her head to look up at her. "Abuela, Mami said that Abuelo has gone to sleep with the angels, and since that's making you like, really sad, I was hoping we could call the angels and ask them to wake Aubelo up. I don't like that everybody is sad, and I really want you and Abuelo to sing some of those old songs to me again."
Her words start her abuela off crying again and Santana feels her bottom lip quiver helplessly as her own eyes begin to tear up. "I didn't mean to make you sad, Abuela; we can let Abuelo stay asleep with the angels a little bit longer if you want. Just please don't be sad."
"Oh, Santanita, you didn't make Abuela sad," Her abuela says, wiping at her own eyes again before running her hand up and down Santana's arm. "Your abuelo... we can't wake him up, sweetie. He's gone to sleep with the angels forever."
Santana frowns at the explanation, her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. "But why would Abuelo go to sleep forever? That doesn't make sense because everyone wakes up unless they're dead." Santana takes in the way her abuela's eyes fill with fresh tears as she nods her head at Santana's explanation. "Oh..." Santana whispers, feeling her tummy knot in understanding.
Santana remembers the last time she saw her abuelo, how he sang 'brown eyed girl' to her as he picked her up from school and took her to the shop to choose some candy. He'd picked up a bouquet of flowers too, and when Santana had asked him why he'd bought flowers instead of some candy for himself, he'd told her the flowers were for her abuela, that it was their wedding-anniversary, and that he loved her abuela more than anything in the world and that he was so lucky to share his life with someone as special her.
Her abuela pulls her into a tight hug and starts to rock them back and forth in the chair, and Santana feels the wetness of her abuela's tears against her cheek as her own tears begin to leak out from her eyes.
"Don't be too sad, Abuelita," Santana murmurs as she pulls back to look her abuela in the eye. "Last time I saw Abuelo he told me that he loved you more than anything in the world, and I'm sure if he had the choice he'd rather stay here with you than sleep with the angels."
Her abuela's eyes crinkle adoringly as she sniffles back her tears. "I was so lucky to have known that kind of love with your abuelo, and he will always be with me because he lives on inside my heart." Her abuela says, tapping at her chest where her heart is. "True love, like your abuelo and I shared, is a rare gift that should be cherished, and I pray that you'll find that kind of love someday with somebody very special."
Santana smiles shyly, thinking of how nice it will be to be loved by someone so much one day as her abuela places her on the ground and stands, offering Santana her hand. "Now, what do you say about you and I going to sing some of those old songs your abuelo used to sing together?"
"I'd like that," Santana says and curls her fingers around her abuela's hand, glad that her abuela doesn't look so sad anymore now that she's remembering just how much her abuelo had loved her.
/~/
"San?" Brittany murmurs, a worried expression crossing over her face, the rain seemingly falling even harder around them now.
Santana looks up from the coffin to Brittany's blue eyes and then glances around to see that everybody has already left. They're the last ones there, Brittany's arm still wrapped securely around her waist and Santana's hand still outstretched over the coffin.
"She'll never know," Santana whispers woefully as she draws her arm back, her eyes moving to peek at Brittany's before they return to her abuela's coffin. "Even though I told her how much I loved you... she'll never really know... she'll never get to see it for herself and understand that I did find real love just like she hoped I would."
Brittany purses her lips together in an empathetic frown and leans forward to kiss the space between Santana's eyes. "I love you, Santana, so much. Don't ever forget it."
Santana lets her eyes flutter shut at the feeling of Brittany's warm lips against her skin, feeling love pass easily between them. "I love you too, Britt," she murmurs back, loud and clear, as if her abuela will actually be able to hear her.
She doesn't even notice that she's no longer alone until the bed dips besides her under her mother's weight. Santana doesn't look up, her gaze firmly fixed on the framed photograph that she clutches between her hands as her eyes trace over the lines of her abuela's face.
"Such a beautiful photo. You both came back from that trip so happy," Her mother whispers, letting her finger reach out to trail across the glass of the frame. "You used to say that your day at the zoo with your abuela had been your favourite day ever, ever." Her mother laughs softly to herself at the memory.
Santana feels the corner of her lips begin to tug up into a smile, only for her heart to lurch in sadness. "Abuela used to take me on the best day-trips when I was little and you and Papá were busy working. She even bought me that ridiculous hat that had foam-shaped elephant ears poking out from the side," Santana says, letting her finger reach out to run over the photo of her abuela giving a younger version of herself a piggyback in front of the giraffes' pen, both of them smiling wildly with excitement and happiness.
"My mother was a lot of things, Santana," Her mother starts, her fingers reaching out to curl gently around Santana's wrist. "And I know she could be hard work and fixed in her narrow-minded ways, but if I'm sure of anything, it's that she loved you more than anything else in this world. You were her pride and joy, mija."
"Then why did she give up on me?" Santana forces out past the lump developing in her throat. "Why didn't she give me the chance to explain?" She shakes her head, fighting to push the overwhelming rush of emotion down as she places the photograph back on the bed next to her, unable to look at the way it seems to be taunting her.
"You know, I tried calling her, like a bunch of times after she threw me out that night," Santana continues, her voice wavering. "I told her that I was sorry that I'd hurt her, but that I couldn't apologise for being me. I told her that I loved her and that I knew it was hard to accept because I'd struggled to accept it myself, but that I wanted to be in her life; that I needed her to be in mine. And to please just give me a chance." Santana lifts her face to search out her mother's eyes. "But she never called back, Mamá. Not once. All I wanted was for her to tell me that she'd try but she couldn't even give me that. So, maybe her love wasn't as unconditional like we originally thought it was."
Santana sees the tears brimming in her mother's eyes and pushes herself to her feet, unable to handle the pain she feels at having been such a disappointment to her abuela. Her mother catches her wrist before she gets too far away and pulls Santana into a tight embrace, pressing a hard kiss to the side of Santana's head.
"I am so proud of you, Santana. You've become an incredible, beautiful young woman, and I don't want you to ever forget it." Her mother pulls back; cupping Santana's face in her hands and forces Santana's eyes to meet her own. "Love may come and go, but mine for you is unconditional, I promise you this, my baby girl. Don't you ever stop holding your head high, do you hear me? Be proud of who you are, no matter what anybody else out there in this big ugly world says."
Santana nods her head, blinking away the tears she can feel burning in the back of her eyes and wraps her arms around her mother, clinging to her tightly in a way that she hasn't done since she was a child. Santana can't help but feel loved and safe and secure in knowing that at least she has her parents and Brittany and her friends supporting her. She's so lucky compared to some people and she knows it.
And maybe just in that moment, knowing that, can feel like enough for her.
She sits with her back to the house, perched on the sidewalk, her head bowed and eyes closed as she focuses on the sound of her breathing, even and steady with each breath that she inhales and exhales and tries to block out her abuela's haunting voice that's bouncing around inside her head, the words 'I want you to leave this house, I don't ever want to see you again' cutting just as deep as they did the first time Santana heard them.
Her mother huffs somewhere behind as she puts down another one of the packed boxes out on the front lawn. Santana really doesn't want to be here while they do this – packing up her abuela's house that is – but her mother had insisted, and Santana's trying to let her hurt and anger go, but it's just not that easy when a place that once felt like a second home to her now feels so foreign and uninviting.
"Are you going to come inside and help anytime soon?" Her mother asks, breathing heavily as she wipes the sweat from her brow.
Santana glances back at her and shakes her head. "No. I wasn't welcome here anymore, remember? I can't just disregard her wishes, Mamá."
"Santana..." Her mother's hand comes to rest at her shoulder, squeezing gently. "I know this is hard for you, but she's gone now and this will be your very last chance to be around her presence and her things. You should come inside, just for a few moments; you'll never be able to get closure if you don't."
Santana knows her mother is probably right but she just can't. Everything about being here, even this close, feels unbearably wrong, like she's taunting her abuela about how she felt and rubbing salt into her wounds by being so blatantly disrespectful.
"I can't, Mamá, okay? Please just leave it alone," Santana pleads quietly.
"Okay, mija," Her mother sighs tiredly, shaking her head dejectedly as she starts heading back to the house without another word.
\\
Santana breathes deeply but smiles slightly when Brittany arrives only ten minutes later, dropping down to perch next to her without saying a word.
"So my mamá called you, huh?" Santana asks, turning her head towards Brittany.
Brittany smiles back at her and nods her head. "Yeah, she did. She's worried about you, Santana."
"She doesn't need to be, I'm fine," Santana objects irritably.
Brittany frowns at her response but reaches out to cover Santana's knee with her hand. "Well I'm worried about you too."
"I said I'm fine, Britt," Santana snaps back a little too quickly, the edge to her tone completely unwarranted. "Sorry I didn't-."
"Santana..." Brittany murmurs gently, the look in her eyes telling Santana that she knows she's not fine at all. "Come inside with me, baby," Brittany encourages, grasping Santana's hand and linking their fingers together, letting Santana know that she'll be there with her every step of the way. "And choose something of your abuela's to keep and remember her by. You'll always regret it if you don't."
Santana swallows thickly, and glances back at the house, remembering how she'd spent nearly every weekend inside, touching and playing with her abuela's belongings and hearing stories about her abuela's favourite things. Belongings that Santana always imagined her abuela would pass down to her someday for her own children and keepsake.
She licks at her lips and nods her head, letting Brittany pull her to her feet, their hands swinging between them as the approach the house. "Don't let go of my hand, okay?"
Santana knows she sounds a little pathetic, but clinging to Brittany like she's her lifeline is the only way she knows she'll be able to survive going inside.
Brittany leans in and kisses her softly. "I won't let go, I promise. Me and you; we'll do this together, every step, okay?"
"Thank you," Santana replies earnestly, feeling her hands already beginning to tremble anxiously as Brittany leads her through the front door.
Santana closes her eyes as soon as she steps inside, her legs shaking as she breathes in the familiar smell of lavender. Her abuela had always had a vase of fresh lavender in the centre of the dining table throughout Santana's childhood, and Santana had sworn that the smell had soaked into her abuela's skin because whenever her abuela was around, no matter where they were or what they were doing, the scent of lavender always clung to her. It was a smell that had given Santana so much comfort and security over the years that she can't help loosing herself in it for a brief moment.
Brittany brushes her thumb soothingly across Santana's knuckles while she waits for Santana to adjust to the overwhelming memory before Santana nods her head and allows Brittany to take her further inside.
The room seems smaller now somehow, bits of her abuela's life waiting in piles to be packed into boxes and forgotten about. It seems so odd to Santana that a house that once felt like it was constantly humming with energy now feels eerily still without her abuela's presence taking up so much of every room.
Brittany never lets go of her hand as Santana lets her eyes trail around each room in turn, taking in all of her abuela's possessions, untouched and waiting in the same places they've always been as if they're expecting her abuela to come home any moment and continue life on as normal.
It isn't until they get to the kitchen that Santana's eyes linger, her step faltering as she takes in the sight of the refrigerator. Her heart lurches achingly in her chest as she takes in its blank canvass; no photographs or magnets, no certificates and proudly displayed assignments, no silly little drawings pinned to it. Nothing.
Brittany's arms wrap around her protectively as Santana releases a shuddery breath. "Santana, what's wrong?" Santana bites her lips to push down the tears prickling at her eyes. "Baby, what is it? You're worrying me here."
Santana hers the clicking of heels and catches sight of her mother entering the kitchen, a concerned look on her face as she looks over at Santana and then over Santana's shoulder to Brittany, trying to work out what's going on.
"Have you started to pack this room up yet?" Santana chokes out questioningly, turning to meet her mother's eyes.
"No, not yet." Her mother replies, shaking her head. "Your father and I wanted to pack up her things upstairs first before we..." Santana watches as her mother trails off, her eyes widening as she takes in the sight of the refrigerator, obviously catching on. "Oh, mija..."
/~/
"Let me see it again, Santanita," Her abuela demands happily.
She reluctantly hands over her paper to her abuela, who's smiling so proudly at her as she looks over Santana's work for the hundredth or so time. The edges of her eyes crinkling as she narrows her gaze and absorbs Santana's writing.
"See, I told you that you could do it," Her abuela hums happily, tapping the top right-hand corner of the paper where a bright red 'A+' is circled. "All that worrying that you did for nothing."
Santana smiles brightly and shakes her head. "I couldn't have done it without your help, Abuelita. So, really I owe you one big thank you."
Her abuela clucks her tongue at her. "Don't be so silly. You worked hard, put in all the effort and did this for yourself. I couldn't be more proud of my little freshman, Santanita, all grown up and becoming a beautiful, intelligent young woman."
Santana blushes in embarrassment, chastising her abuela playfully with a drawn-out. "Abuela..."
"Yes, yes, I know," Her abuela waves her hand dismissively. "No more calling you little. Although in my eyes you will always be the little, chubby baby with the darkest hair and biggest brown eyes I've ever seen."
Santana laughs, shaking her head at her abuela's light teasing and reaches for her paper only to have her abuela pull it out of your reach.
"What do you think you're doing, young-lady?" Her abuela asks, swatting Santana's grabby hand away gently.
Santana arches an eyebrow but grins. "I was going to take my paper back, since it's mine and all. I didn't think you'd want it anymore now that you've read it like a million times."
Her abuela shakes her head and moves to pin the paper to the refrigerator with a bright yellow magnet. "Nonsense, it's going right on here with the rest of your things."
"Your refrigerator is starting to look a little bit like a Santana-shrine, you know," Santana points out, smiling as her eyes take in all of the photographs and bits and pieces of hers that her abuela has kept over the years.
"That's because I'm so proud of my amazing granddaughter that I want everybody that comes into my home to see what you've achieved and how beautifully you've grown. There's no crime in wanting to show you off is there?"
Santana smiles in response. "No, I suppose there's not. It's really nice that you keep and display my things. Your shrine makes me feel like I'm someone important," Santana teases.
"You are important, and I can't help it if I love you lots and lots," Her abuela says, wrapping her arm around Santana's shoulders and pressing a kiss to her head. "You're my pride and joy, Santanita. I hope you know that."
Santana smiles happily and leans up to kiss her abuela on the cheek. "I love you lots and lots too, Abuela."
/~/
"Sh- she erased me from her life." Santana whispers brokenly through a ragged breath, letting her gaze trace over the blank refrigerator where her things used to be. "She wouldn't want me here," Santana states as she looks away from the memories and pulls free from Brittany's grasp, turning to her mother. "I told you I shouldn't have come inside but you just couldn't leave it alone, could you?"
Without waiting for a reply, Santana pushes past her mother and runs from the house, bile rising up her throat like fire and causing her to double-over on the front lawn as she empties the contents of her stomach, her heart shattering painfully into even more pieces.
Santana nuzzles her face further into Brittany's neck; breathing in deeply and inhaling the sweet smell of Brittany's skin as Brittany's arm tightens around her body, trying to pull Santana even further into her as her lips brush a kiss against Santana's hair-line. Santana lets her eyes flutter shut and hums happily at the touch.
The last two weeks have felt unbearably long, and Santana's glad to be getting a moment of reprieve from all of the drama and the hurt and the sadness, to simply just embrace the love and comfort that surrounds her so completely whenever Brittany's around.
"This is nice," Santana murmurs, letting her lips kiss at the skin of Brittany's neck.
"Mmm, I've missed this," Brittany mumbles in agreement, letting her fingertips stroke up and down Santana's back. "I've missed you. I hate it when you're sad."
Santana swallows thickly, suddenly feeling terrible about the distress she must have caused Brittany since her abuela died. "I'm sorry I've been such a mess, Britt. I know I've probably been a right bitch to you," Santana whispers guiltily. "You're so good to me and I just... I don't deserve you sometimes.
Brittany raises her head, her hand moving to cup Santana's cheek as she looks down at her. "Don't you dare," Brittany warns gently. "You don't need to apologise, and you haven't been a bitch. Your abuela died, Santana. You've had every right to be a mess. I've just felt so..."
"So what?" Santana encourages as Brittany trails off, lifting her hand up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind Brittany's ear.
"Powerless," Brittany breathes, her eyes sad. "It was so hard watching you be in so much pain and not know what I could do to make you feel better."
Santana feels her eyes brim with tears, her heart blossoming with love as she smiles up at Brittany. "I couldn't have gotten through this without you, Britt. You were everything I needed you to be without me ever having to ask for a single thing, you just... knew."
Brittany smiles beautifully in response to her words. "You're my soulmate, Santana. I'd do anything if I thought it would make you happy."
"There you go again," Santana hums happily, letting her thumb run across Brittany's bottom lip. "Making me fall in love with you over and over again."
"Good," Brittany giggles, letting her lips kiss at the pad of Santana's thumb. "I want you to be totally and utterly head-over-Lord Tubbington-and-heels for me."
Santana can't help but laugh in response, tugging at the back of Brittany's neck until Brittany's leaning down to kiss her. "I am so hopelessly in love with you, Britt-Britt. Head-over-Lord Tubbington-and-heels, I promise."
"Awesome," Brittany smiles against her lips. "Because I'm like, super around Lord-Tubbington and the world in love with you."
Santana grins in response, pushing herself up to meet Brittany's lips in a soft, languid kiss that makes her skin tingle as she feels every part of Brittany's love for her flow between them.
A gentle tapping at her bedroom door a few moments later interrupts their kisses, forcing them to pull apart and push themselves into a sitting position against the headboard as Santana calls out, "Come in."
Her mother enters her room warily, her face puffy and her eyes shining with tears as she shuffles inside and looks up at Santana with despair. Brittany's arm slips around Santana waist instantly, pulling her in closer to her side as they both wait for her mother to speak.
"Santana..." Her mother starts, her voice thick with tears. "Your father and I, we've been so busy with arranging your abuela's funeral and packing up her house that neither of us thought to bring the mail in..."
Santana's gaze drops down to her mother's hands, taking in the stark whiteness of the envelope she clutches, her fingers holding so tight that the sides of the envelope have crinkled under the pressure.
She feels her heart begin to pound inside her chest and bites down on her bottom lip as she shakes her head, a part of her already knowing what it is her mother is about to say.
"I found it with the mail this morning when I brought it in," Her mother continues, her voice catching slightly as she takes a step forward and holds the letter out for Santana to take, her abuela's beautiful handwriting now clear enough for her to see.
Santana swallows away the dryness in her mouth and reaches out to take the envelope with a shaking hand, her fingertips instantly moving to trace over the lines of her abuela's writing; the 'Santana Lopez' written just the same way Santana's seen time and time again scrawled fondly in birthday and Christmas cards.
A shuddery breath escapes from her lips and she turns to bury her face into Brittany's neck as she drops the envelope down into her lap, unable to look at it for a second longer. Brittany rubs her hands up and down her back, trying to calm her as she presses gentle kisses over her face and coos loving words into her ear.
Santana doesn't know how long she stays buried in the safety of Brittany's embrace but when she pulls away she notices that her mother has left them alone once again, and Santana almost feels guilty for her reaction. Her abuela was her mother's madre after all, and Santana doesn't doubt for a single second that her mother is suffering with her own grief... she's just been too wrapped up in her own to really notice before now. Santana makes a note give her mother a hug later before she picks up the envelope and stares down at it again, releasing a shaky breath as she notes that it's not getting any easier to deal with.
"Are you going to open it?" Brittany asks gently, her tone curious and yet laced with caution.
"I don't..." Santana starts, the tightness in her chest returning. "I don't know if I can. I don't think I can do this, Brittany. What if it's just a letter filled with how much she hates me and how she thinks I'm going straight to hell and-."
"Baby," Brittany murmurs cutting her off, cupping Santana's cheek and tilting her face until their eyes are locked. "If you don't want to open it you don't have to, it's okay. You can open it whenever you're ready to."
Santana shakes her head, feeling her lip trembling. "I have to open it, Britt. I have to know what it is she has to say so that I can finally let her go. It's just... I don't think I can do it."
"I could open it for you," Brittany offers, her hand drifting over into Santana's lap as she lets a finger carefully reach out to brush over the edge of the envelope. "If you wanted me to." Brittany lifts her eyes back to Santana's and seeing the dread and desperation there, she repeats. "I could open it for you."
Santana sucks in her bottom lip and nods her head, tucking her chin in towards her chest as she silently passes Brittany the envelope, letting her eyes convey her gratitude.
Brittany sucks in a deep breath of her own as she fingers the corner of the envelope, letting her finger catch the edge before she tears the seal open and slowly reaches inside to pull the letter out.
She glances at Santana as she opens the letter up, her eyes asking Santana if she's ready, only to receive a nod in return before she continues.
Brittany clears her throat and lets her tongue wet her lips before she finds her voice and starts to read:
"My darling, Santanita,
There aren't enough words in the world for me to begin to say how truly sorry I am for what happened that night you came to me, and as this letter has already taken far longer than it should have to reach you, I will waste no more time in asking you for your forgiveness.
I was wrong and unbearably cruel to say what I did when you came to me and shared your secret. It must have taken a lot of courage and inner strength for you to come and tell me that about yourself, and my response was inexcusable. I will never forgive myself for treating you in such an appalling manner, but all I can do now is pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to have another chance, because the truth is I want to know you, the real you, more than anything else I'll get to do in this life.
I didn't say it then and so I'm saying it now and hoping that I'm not too late, because I need you to know that I am so, so proud of you, my Santanita, whoever it is that you have come to find yourself to be, and I would be honoured if you allowed me to know you in your true light. I love you with all my heart, and I accept you, no matter who you are or what you do as long as you're happy, because to find happiness and love in our lifetime is all that we can really dream to accomplish.
And I want you to introduce me to Brittany properly now, no longer as your friend but as your beautiful girlfriend. I saw you two together at the mall on Friday, you were holding hands and smiling at each other like nobody else in the world existed... I've never see you smile like that except for when you're around her, and you looked so blissfully happy and carefree; you were beautiful.
I told you a long time ago that I hoped you'd find true love one day, and with my own eyes, I've seen that you clearly have. It warms my heart so much to know that you are finally, truly happy, Santana, and I understand now that it's being with Brittany that allows you to be so. Looking back, I should have realised it a long time ago, that very first time I saw you and her together, but my ignorance made me blind to what was right in front of me all along.
All I can offer you now is my eternal apology, and tell you that my mind and eyes are finally open. I would do anything to be part of your life again, Santanita. You're an incredible young woman; beautiful, intelligent, kind, and so strong, and I have never been prouder of you than I am now. I am well and truly blessed to have been graced with such a wonderful granddaughter.
All my love, now and always,
Abuela xxx"
Santana smiles at Brittany through a sniffle, her cheeks mapped by the tracks of her tears, as she takes the letter from Brittany's offering hands and lets her own eyes take in her abuela's words, her mind drifting back to remember.
/~/
Santana can't stop smiling like an idiot as the crowds applause rattles around the arena. She catches sight of Brittany and can't help but run to her, laughing in Brittany's ear as Brittany wraps her arms around Santana's waist and swings her into the air, causing Santana's legs to lock around Brittany's body.
"We won!" Santana screams into Brittany's ear over the noise. "I can't believe we won Nationals."
"I know, right?" Brittany shouts, grinning brightly as she places Santana back on the ground. "We're like, the best cheerleading team ever... well, me and you are like, super talented, and everybody else did an okay job I guess."
Santana can't help but laugh at Brittany's assessment, and reaches to grab her hand as the cameramen call out their names, immediately moving to pull ridiculous poses with their pom-poms as the camera lights flash around them.
/
She doesn't notice her abuela sitting in the stands until the arena has started to clear out a bit, the crowds exhausted from their screaming and cheering and the other teams leaving with their heads hung low in defeat.
Santana excuses herself from Brittany and the other girls she's talking to and makes her way over to where her abuela is still seated.
"Abuela, I didn't know you were coming," Santana greets, leaning down and pulling her abuela into a quick hug as she presses a kiss to her cheek.
"Your mother reminded me about your competition this morning and I really wanted to see you cheer," Her abuela replies, offering her a smile. "You were really amazing out there, Santanita. Your routine was very impressive, and you were fantastic. I bet you'll be making captain before you know it."
Santana shakes her head but smiles. "I don't know about that, Abuela, maybe next year..." Santana trails off distractedly, her eyes trailing back over to Brittany and watching as Brittany laughs with the other girls, her body twisting and popping as she dances on the spot, her energy just as full as before they started the routine.
"She's pretty," Her abuela states, causing Santana to jump slightly as she interrupts Santana's staring and nods her head over in Brittany's direction.
Santana feels heat rising in her cheeks at being caught staring, and nods her head in agreement. "Yeah... she is," Santana murmurs, unable to stop her gaze from trailing back over to Brittany's face, taking in her gorgeous blue eyes and her bright smile before her eyes wander down over Brittany's toned body and endlessly long legs. Realising that she's drifted back into her staring, Santana shakes her head to regain focus and adds, "She's an incredibly talented dancer too. I mean, we couldn't have won without her. The routine was all her idea."
She watches as her abuela takes in her words and hums her agreement before asking, "Is she a friend of yours, the dancer girl?"
Santana opens her mouth to reply only to get caught up in Brittany's beautiful, blue eyes as Brittany turns to look over at Santana and raises her hand in a dorky wave while flashing a cute smile at her.
She finds her mind floating away with memories of Brittany then; of her and Brittany kissing for the first time in front of Puck and the guys for a dare at Matt's house-party. Of later that same night when Brittany had rolled over in bed next to her, reaching out to brush the back of her knuckles against Santana's cheek and confessed in a hushed whisper that she'd really liked kissing Santana, and that she couldn't stop thinking about kissing her again. Santana had tried to play it off, swatting Brittany's hand away from her cheek and claiming that their kiss had been nothing more than wank material for the boys. But with Brittany still leaning over her and staring down at her with clear, honest blue eyes, Santana had lost it. 'I liked kissing you too' had tumbled from her lips before she could think to stop herself, and then Brittany was descending down on her and kissing her gently. Brittany's lips had been unbelievably soft, her mouth warm and so inviting that Santana had let herself give in and get lost in Brittany's kisses, and tried not to let herself think about the way her heart was pounding wildly in her chest, the wetness building between her legs or what any of it actually meant.
Santana blinks rapidly, clearing her throat as she comes out of her daydream, and forces herself to look away from Brittany's penetrating gaze and back to her abuela. "Yeah, she is. She's my best friend actually."
"Well then," Her abuela replies, eyeing Santana with intrigue. "I'd like to meet her sometime if that's okay with you? What's her name?"
"I'd like that," Santana replies, her eyes flicking back over to Brittany. "Her name's Brittany... Brittany S. Pierce."
"I look forward to meeting this Brittany S. Pierce of yours," Her abuela responds. "Why don't you introduce me to her now?"
"Yeah, okay," Santana says, swallowing away the nervous lump forming in her throat as she catches Brittany's eye and waves her over, the only thought echoing around inside her head being 'please let my abuelita like her'.
/~/
"Here," Brittany murmurs, drawing Santana from her memory as she reaches out to brush a teardrop away from the tip of Santana's nose, her own eyes shining with tears as she smiles at Santana softly. "We don't want you to go and smudge her writing, I have a feeling this is something you'll be keeping safe and cherished and re-reading forever."
"She loved me," Santana breathes, looking up into Brittany's eyes, as fresh tears escape her own.
Brittany nods, cupping Santana's cheek with her hand and leaning forward to press their foreheads together. "Yeah, she did. She really loved you, Santana."
"My Mamá was right, she just needed some time," Santana chokes, her voice thick with emotion. "She just needed time and she didn't get to have it. I spent all this time thinking that she hated me and just being so... angry at her. When really I should have been crying my eyes out because my abuela tried to apologise to me and I never got the chance to tell her that I forgive her."
Santana feels her breath hitch as a gut-wrenching sob bubbles up out of chest and splutters past her lips. The tears she's kept held back pouring out from her so hard and fast that Santana can't hold onto her control. Her lungs are constricting as the emotion overwhelms her and Santana can do nothing about the whimpering that keeps escaping from the back of her throat as her body heaves desperately as it tries to drawn in oxygen.
Brittany's quick to rush to her aid, one hand grabbing at Santana's shoulder to steady her as her other hand moves up to cup at her neck, her thumb brushing across Santana's jaw line as she murmurs, "Breathe, baby. You need to breathe."
Santana shakes her head, her vision blurred by her onslaught of tears as she struggles achingly for breath. Brittany grasps at her tighter and brushes away Santana's tears, forcing Santana's eyes up to hers. "Hey... hey, Santana, baby you really need to breathe, okay? Shh it's okay," Brittany rushes out, seeing as Santana's eyes widen in shocked desperation as she clutches a hand at her chest over her heart.
"Shh, it's okay, I've got you. You're okay... I've got you," Brittany repeats, pulling Santana into her lap and rocking their bodies slightly as her palms soothe circles into Santana's back, calming her down and letting Santana catch her breath as her breathing slowly evens out.
Santana snuffles against Brittany's neck, feeling her lungs burn with renewed oxygen, her fingers fisted into the material of Brittany's top as she clings to her. Brittany presses soft, lingering kisses to her temple between whispering words of comfort into Santana's skin.
"Baby," Brittany hums, breaking through the silence that's encircled them and lifting her head so that Santana can look up at her through puffy eyes. "I have an idea... a way that you can still tell your abuela that you forgive her."
Santana stares up at Brittany questioningly, and takes in the encouraging sincerity in her blue eyes, her hand unclenching from its hold on Brittany as her palm smoothes out the material she's crumpled. She lets herself feel the steady beat of Brittany's heart for a moment before she licks at her lips and nods her head trustingly.
"Okay," Santana stutters, her voice hoarse, and lets Brittany pull her to her feet as she entwines their fingers and leads Santana into the bathroom to wash her face. She stays quiet, letting Brittany wipe away her tears and take care of her. It's just how they've always worked together; if one falls the other is always there to catch her.
Santana clasps Brittany's hand tightly as Brittany leads her over towards her abuela's headstone. She smiles slightly at the collection of wreathes and flowers that surround it, feeling comforted by the display of love and remembrance given to her abuela from those that knew her.
Brittany stops her a few feet away, tugging at her hand gently and offering a supportive smile. "Here," Brittany says, passing across the bouquet of flowers they'd gone and picked up first; lilies, roses and some lavender especially for her abuela.
Santana releases a steadying breath as she takes the bouquet from Brittany, leaning up to brush a kiss to Brittany's cheek before she takes the final few steps towards her abuela's grave.
"Hey Abuelita," Santana whispers softly, her eyes already brimming with tears as she kneels down, letting her fingertips reach out to trace over the engraving of her abuela's name. "These are for you, I had them put the lavender in specially; the smell stillreminds me of you, I think it always will. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and think of you, I get a rush of lavender filling my nose out of nowhere," Santana confesses, smiling to herself as she places the flowers down carefully and bites at her lower lip as a tear leaks out of her eye and rolls down her cheek. "I'm so sorry, Abuela. I love you so much and I hope you know that I forgive you... I wish I could have told you that in person and given you a massive hug because I've really, really missed you these past couple of months. Not talking to you every day was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I hope you know how much I want you-" Santana trails off, stopping herself as she wipes at her tears, "How much I would have wanted you to be in my life. You were my favourite person in the world."
She hears Brittany move slightly somewhere behind her and lets herself enjoy the wave of love that rolls over her. "I think it's time I introduce you to my other favourite person," Santana murmurs, pushing herself up to her feet and turning to hold her hand out to Brittany.
Brittany smiles beautifully in response and takes her hand without question, letting Santana pull her forward until they're both standing looking down at her abuela's headstone. "Abuela, this is Brittany," Santana presents proudly as her lips curl up into a happy smile, Brittany looking back at her with such a tender, content and adoring look on her face that it fuels Santana on even more. "She's my best friend, my girlfriend, my soulmate, and the love of my life." She flicks her eyes back to Brittany briefly as she feels Brittany squeeze at her hand as if to remind Santana that she feels exactly the same, before leaning forward and bending down slightly as she whispers, "I haven't asked her yet, but I'm hoping that one day she'll agree to become my wife too, because she makes me so unbelievably happy and I can't wait to share my life with her."
Before Santana can lean back she catches Brittany leaning forward beside her, the brightest smile Santana's ever seen etched on her face as she joins in. "Hey Abuela Lopez. Brittany here..." Santana lets out an amused breath besides her but squeezes Brittany's hand to get her to continue. "I hope you know just how much I love your granddaughter, which is like, a super ridiculous amount. She's everything to me, my whole world, and I'd do absolutely anything to make her happy. Please know that I never intend to cause her any hurt or pain, so you don't need to like... come and haunt me and stuff." Santana laughs besides her as Brittany shoots her a grin. "And I promise you that we'll bring our children here one day so that they can meet you and you can get to know them, because if they're anything like Santana, I'm sure you won't want to miss out on a single second of how amazing they are."
With that Brittany stands back up, watching as Santana says goodbye to her abuela, promising she'll be back soon as she presses a kiss to her headstone before letting their hands link again as they start the walk back to the car.
"Hey, Britt-Britt," Santana murmurs, swinging their hands between them as they walk and letting her eyes soften with an appreciative smile. "Thank you for today... for everything really. I couldn't have gotten through a single second of this without you."
Brittany stops, twirling Santana to face her as she pulls her in close and lets her arms wrap safely around Santana's waist, a happy, smile lightening up her face. "I guess it's a good thing that you'll never have to be without me then, huh wifey?"
Santana lets her arms drape around Brittany's neck as she pushes herself up onto her tip-toes and presses a sweet kiss to Brittany's lips, pulling back just far enough to smile playfully at Brittany and whisper against her mouth, "I guess you're right, future Mrs Lopez. We're stuck together forever."
"Good," Brittany hums, letting her nose nuzzle against Santana's. "I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend forever than with you."
When Brittany leans down to kiss the smile from Santana's lips, in a slow, deep kiss, Santana hears the unspoken words of 'I love you' pass between, and with her abuela's acceptance, finally feels content.