A/N this is my version of Hazel's life after Augustus dies. No copyright infringement intended. Everything you recognise belongs to the great John Green. If there are language errors they're probably typos. The intention was for this to be written in British English but I'm not a native English speaker.
Almost one year AG. I was in the ICU for the fourth time that year. Every time had been for the same thing, I was drowning. They drained my lungs once a week but it wasn't enough. The doctors were fighting a losing battle on my behalf against me. The fourth time in the ICU that year was the worst yet. I had woken up at 3 am with a headache that made it feel like my head was going to explode. My lungs were burning and my skin had a blueish tint. I tried to scream but I couldn't get my breath, despite being connected to the bipap. I ended up slamming my arm into the wall in an attempt to make enough sound to wake my parents. They came rushing into my room. My dad burst into tears at the sight of me struggling for breath while my mum managed to call an ambulance through her veil of tears.
The ambulance arrived within minutes. Minutes that must have felt like years to my poor parents. The pain was unbearable and I was slipping in and out of consciousness.
Just before I heard the ambulance I thought "Augustus I'm coming." I really did believe that I was dying this time. I think my parents thought so too. They didn't know what to do but they never took their eyes off me, as if trying to remember me as well as possible.
Dad ran to the front door as soon as he heard the doorbell. When he came back he was accompanied by two paramedics with a stretcher and a myriad of other equipment. They intubated me and started to give me medicine through an IV. I fainted and woke up five days later in the ICU.
I pressed the red button next to my bed and within 30 seconds a nurse called Mary was there. I was still intubated so I couldn't speak but she checked my vitals and fetched my parents. Dad looked as if he had been crying non-stop since they found me in my room that terrible night and mum looked like she was beyond crying.
"Oh Hazel dear, you're going to be okay. Everything will be fine. You'll be able to come home soon" mum gushed as soon as she had covered the parts of me that weren't covered in tubes and other medical equipment in kisses. Considering the presence of the aforementioned equipment which included an intubating device and the classic tube going from my chest draining it of murky cancer water which seemed darker than before I doubted that I would be okay as she wished. On the bright side my skin was no longer blue but back to my normal pale hue. Of course I could not speak to express my doubt about the chance of me even being close to okay so I closed my eyes and fell asleep again.
Unsurprisingly I dreamt about my beautiful Gus. However, unlike all my previous dreams about him it wasn't a reminiscence about our short time together. Instead it was about Augustus Waters welcoming me to the capital Something. My cute, lanky Gus with his lopsided grin (no cigarette though) and an orange tulip in his hand. What he said next surprised me though "it's not your time yet Hazel Grace. I wish it was because i'm lonely but it isn't your time yet. When it is i'll be here to welcome you." I had believed that it was my turn to escape the suffering of our world but alas it wasn't and when I returned to consciousness I was in the ICU.
Something was different. I was breathing. They had attached me to a bipap machine while I was sleeping. I still had what looked like a million tubes going in and out of my body, mainly my chest, but I could talk. I mean if the doctors thought I was well enough to breathe with a bipap then I must have been well enough to go home. I looked around the room to see my parents at my bedside. Their faces were tearstained, it looked as if they'd thought it was my time too. When they saw that I was awake they both burst into tears and hugged me as best as they could. Mum spoke through the tears, "Oh Hazel you're okay." I stayed silent because the only reply I could think of was that okay is a pretty strong word and when it feels like your lungs are being hit with a tonne of bricks every time you breathe maybe you're not okay. But I said none of this out loud. I simply nodded and tried to smile. Before I could start wondering about why it couldn't be my turn yet the nurse from before entered the room followed by Dr Maria and two trainee doctors. They all took chairs and sat down around my bed. None of them were smiling. They weren't even fake smiling. This seemed like an ominous sign to me. "How are you feeling Hazel?" asked the nurse.
"Oh grand, apart from the fact that my lungs suck at being lungs" ran through my head. I didn't say this when I saw the looks on my parents' faces. Instead I just nodded okay. I could have added something about me fighting a losing battle against myself and that the cancer part of me was winning. However I said none of this, to make my parents less miserable. Dr Maria interrupted my train of thought with a clearing of the throat.
"So there's good news and bad news Hazel. The good news is that we've managed to drain the liquid from your lungs although we're keeping a close tab on them in case they start filling up again. The bad news is that we did a pet scan and the tumours have grown" it seemed like she felt ashamed to be giving me this news as she was looking anywhere but me and seemed to be talking as fast as possible.
"But the phalanxifor!" dad broke down crying.
"I'm sorry but it seems that the tumours in your lungs have evolved a way of getting around the medicine," dr Maria was trying not to cry too "the thyroid tumour has grown too and there is a tumour in your brain, in your left kidney, liver and right leg."
"How long?" I asked. I realised too late that was a bad question when I saw the pained expression on mum's face. Dr Maria looked at one of the trainee doctors with a look that told her to take it from there.
"The cancer is spreading but we don't know how fast. Your last pet scan was last month and all the new tumours have appeared since then..." the trainee doctor stopped talking when my mum let out a loud wail. The other trainee doctor continued telling me about my losing battle with a grim look on his face.
"The honest answer is we don't know. I'm sorry Hazel but at the moment it could be anywhere between a week and three months."
"Can I go home now then?" I asked hopefully despite knowing that I probably wouldn't be allowed to go home to die. They would want to try everything to extend my life.
"Maybe in a few days. We'll be keeping you under close observation for the next two days and then we will re-evaluate the situation." Dr Maria said.
Five days later they made the decision to stop treatment. My tumours were growing at an alarming pace and there was nothing we could do about it. I was being allowed home to die. I slept on a hospice bed in the living room, permanently connected to the bipap. I couln't walk, I couldn't eat without vomiting everything up again and breathing without the bipap was out of the question.
My parents walked on tiptoes around me. Their faces were tearstained and the strain of losing a child was already evident in their faces. They tried to smile for me but it didn't work.
One day dr. Maria came for a visit. She and my parents were discussing my condition in hushed voices. I could still hear some words though. Mum saying "no my poor Hazel" and dad saying "she's going to a better place" were among the phrases I heard.
I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the world. When I no longer heard worried voices I opened my eyes and saw a bright white light. Then I heard a voice...
"Hazel Grace Lancaster. I thought you'd never come."
A/N thankyou for reading my story! Rate and review!