AN: For my Bean & Ash, you know who you are. XOXO - E

Nicky was having a hard time. A really, really hard time. As much as she hated to admit it, life at Litchfield began to suck even more for her in the last couple of weeks. At least, for once, it wasn't because of drugs or because she ran her mouth off enough to get through into SHU for awhile...yet again. Nope. Nicky was beginning to wallow in her own self pity because the one true constant she has had behind these walls was a little too close to leaving them for good and never turning back.

Red was to be released in a month.

And it was all Red seemed to talk about lately. And when she wasn't talking about getting released, she was meeting with her Attorney's and the parole board and Healy and Caputo, or cooking and laughing and carrying on.

For the first time in the course of her relationship with Red, she dreaded being around her. Every word that came out of Red's mouth seemed to hurt her, more and more.

Red wasn't trying to be insensitive. Nicky knew this. Red had been here for 15 long years. She had missed half of her sons' lives, and all of her grandchildren's lives. She had lost her marriage, her store, her entire way of life during these years, and even Nicky couldn't fault her for wanting just a piece of that back.

What was to become of her once Red was gone? How could she make it on her own? Could she really stay clean without her there? And a year from now, when she was to be released, where would she go? Who would even want to see her once she got out?

Nicky had never been able to bring herself to think beyond Litchfield before now. It had been easy and safe with Red here with her. Red loved her. At least...she thought she did. And to have had that love for all this time, for it only to be snatched away so suddenly, was almost too much for Nicky to handle.

Nicky couldn't remember the last time Red had hugged her. She was already losing her. She could feel it. It was as if Red was distancing herself from Nicky already.

Everything came to a head on a Wednesday night when Gina had come down with the flu, leaving the kitchen short handed. Nicky was assigned to help out for dinner, and she did her best to remain invisible.

Mendoza was starting to pile some of the usual slop they all had to eat for dinner into the pans, when Nicky found herself eavesdropping on the conversation she and Red were having.

"Yuri said that until I can get back on my feet, I'd be staying with him. He said that he moved the boys into one room together so I could have their third bedroom. I told him it wasn't necessary. A sofa in a living room will feel like heaven compared to these fucking bunks my back has had to endure all these years but, he insisted." Nicky could hear the pride in Red's voice as she spoke.

Gloria smirked. "You are his mother and he SHOULD be offering you a room in his house! You may not have been around these last 15 years but for the first 15 years of his life you raised him, and made him into the man he is today."

Red shrugged. "I'll just be happy to get out of here and to spend time with my boys and my grandchildren."

They were both interrupted by the sound of loud clanging pans behind them. They whipped their heads around and saw two of the pans had been flung to the floor, and were both shocked to see Nicky standing above them, a look of fury in her eyes.

Mendoza immediately got defensive. "What the fuck!?"

But Nicky wasn't looking at Mendoza. She was looking at Red, who was standing there in shock. "Nicky, what is wrong with you?"

Nicky bent down, grabbed the pans and threw them onto the counter before shooting Red a look of disgust before stalking out of the room.

Mendoza looked at Red and huffed. "You better tell that girl of yours to watch it. We have been busy enough back here this week without Gina, and now that little brat of yours decides to pull a tantrum?"

Red sighed, but shot Gloria a look. "She isn't a brat. I'll find her later and talk to her." She looked up at the clock. "Let's finish up in here, okay?"

After dinner, Mendoza was nice enough to let Red skip clean up so she could go and have a talk with her rebellious Nicky. Of course, Red had to track her down, first. No luck in her cube, or in the bathroom, or anywhere outside. Red smirked to herself. The chapel. Nicky went there a lot to relax. She made her way there, despite not being one who liked to enter this "place of worship" under any circumstances. When she made her way inside, she spotted familiar boots sticking out the side of one of the pews. Red sighed in relief. Nicky was here and now they would be able to talk.

As she made her way to her girl, she couldn't help but smile a little at the sight. Nicky was lying there, headphones blasting some sort of music in her ears. Her eyes were closed and she seemed to be relaxed enough.

Red reached down and gently rubbed her leg, not wanting to startle her but wanting Nicky to know she was there.

Nicky opened her eyes and looked at Red, but then immediately averted her eyes away, staring up at the ceiling, the music still blasting in her ears. Nicky didn't seem to want to acknowledge her. Well, she'd take care of that.

Red sighed in annoyance and reached down, yanking the headphones off of Nicky's head, effectively tangling a wire in her mess of curls.

"What the fuck, Red!" Nicky sat up swiftly, huffing in annoyance as she grabbed her headphones from Red, slumping her back against the pew.

Red rolled her eyes and made her way into the pew. She sat down beside her, clearing her throat. "Nicky...you want to tell me what that little tantrum you had back in the kitchen was all about?"

Nicky chuckled, and it was a bitter, hallow sound. "Lorna and I had a fight earlier. Guess I was just blowing off some steam."

Red sighed in annoyance. She knew when Nicky was lying to her because she wasn't able to meet her eyes. "I see. So...what is really going on, hmm?"

Nicky huffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms as if she were a highly annoyed teen getting reprimanded for staying out too late. "Nothing. I'm fine, Red, okay? You just focus on Vasily, and Maxim, and Yuri, and your grandkids, and your new bedroom, and finally getting the fuck out of here, okay? I'm good!" She finally managed to look at Red. "Really."

Red crinkled her brow at her. "Really? Because you don't sound fine at all, malyshka."

The use of Red's pet name for her was the last thing Nicky wanted to hear at that moment. "Don't call me that! Jesus Christ. You have to look to the future, Red! You've been saying that for weeks! I'm gonna be left behind here, and I am SO sick of being reminded of it every time you open your fucking mouth!" Nicky was letting the anger mask her hurt, but she could feel herself losing grip on her emotions. She swallowed hard. "Red, I really need you to leave me alone right now. Can you do that? For ONCE, can you please just back off of me!?"

Red was more than taken aback by these words. Nicky had never spoken to her like this before. She sighed and silently stood up, poised to leave as Nicky had asked her to. Suddenly she stopped, looking down at her girl before speaking again, her voice just above a whisper, each word piercing right through Nicky's heart. "After everything you and I have been through together, I thought you'd be happy for me."

Nicky listened as Red's quiet footsteps retreated further and further away from her, and when she heard the door open, and the footsteps disappear, she burst into tears, throwing her headphones against the back of the pew in front of her. Everything was so fucked up. She needed Red more than ever, and all she had managed to do was push her away...again. Red was leaving her. Their time together right now should have been precious, and all Nicky could do was say hurtful things. She buried her face in her hands, her sobs engulfing her completely.

Red had heard the first sob escape, and her first instinct was to go to her, to console her and mother her. But Nicky had made it clear she needed her to back off, and as much as Red couldn't bear to do it, she backed out of the chapel completely, shedding a few tears of her own as she slipped even further away from the only true daughter she had ever had.

~ NRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNR ~

Red found herself unable to feel as happy with her impending release after her encounter with Nicky in the chapel a few days ago. Since then, she and Nicky had been unable to face each other, and it was slowly eating away at them.

Red did understand, to a point, why Nicky was upset. After all, she still had a little over a year left here, but Red was certain that she would be able to handle this place without her for awhile. She knew that those loyal to her would look out for Nicky, and that is all that mattered.

Or so she thought.

Nicky wanted her to back off, and in a way, Red could understand it. Their impending separation would be a difficult one for both of them, she knew, and maybe she had been going on about her boys a little too often lately but, she had to be positive. Fifteen years was a long time to be locked away. Red felt in a sense like she was to be thrown to the wolves when she was to be released in a few weeks. But in so many other ways, she didn't understand it. Red loved Nicky with all her heart, and she would never give up on her, no matter how hard she may try to push her away.

And so, she made a decision that she and Nicky had to talk, and she would make her talk, whether she wanted to or not. This could not continue. They needed each other, and Red was determined to make things right again, before it was too late.

Red got her opportunity when she spotted Nicky, Piper, and Alex sitting on the picnic tables near the garden, talking. Red knew that if she asked, the two girls currently in Nicky's company would leave them alone.

She quickly made her way to them and before any of them could react, she had joined them, placing herself right beside Nicky, who looked over at her in surprise.

Red looked across at Piper and Alex, narrowing her eyes at them.

Piper looked at Alex. "Well...guess it's time to head back inside, hmm?"

Alex nodded knowingly. "Looks like it."

And much to Red's satisfaction and Nicky's disdain, the two of them were gone, leaving the mother and daughter alone again for the first time in days.

To Red's surprise, it was Nicky who spoke first. "What's up, Red?"

Nicky spoke the question so nonchalantly that Red was almost tempted to go along with her charade, but found that she couldn't. Not now. Now was the time for them to talk, to really talk. "'What's up' is that it isn't easy for me to 'back off' of you so easily. So...let's talk. Are you going to tell me what's been bothering you or are we going to keep up this charade? And don't lie to me, Nicky. I know you better than anyone and you know it. I know you don't want me to go. I get it. I do..."

Nicky interrupted her. "You do?" She smiled bitterly, unable to meet Red's eyes as she continued to speak. "You don't, Red. You think you do, but you don't. You will leave this place, and you will move on. And I'll be stuck here, and yea, it will suck, and I will miss you every fucking day. But you know what sucks the most? That when it's my turn to be released, I will have nowhere to go. You will be long gone and I'll have to find my way again, this time without you there smacking me around when I need it, or hugging me, or taking care of me. And I gotta figure out how I'm going to do that because...I've loved you so much at times that it feels like my heart is going to leap out of my chest and..."

Nicky squeezes her eyes shut, willing the tears that needed to fall not to come, but when she opened them, the tears spilled out, but she managed to finish her sentence. "...And...now it's going to go away. You are going to move on without me...and I'm sure that will be a fucking relief for you but...for the last four years I felt loved and I just got used to it, that's all. But...it'll be fine, I'm sure. I've been alone before and I can figure out how to do it again."

Red swallowed, hard. The lump in her throat so large she wasn't sure she would be able to speak. She reached over and grabbed Nicky's hand. "You listen to me, malyshka. You don't need to find your way without me, because I do not intend to ever let you go."

Nicky looked over at her, her eyes widening in surprise.

Red shook her head, and cupped her face in her hands. "Nicky. I will always love you. Always. No matter where I am, or where you are, you and I...this here between us, it doesn't change and it never will. You got that?"

Nicky shook her head. "But how? You have to move on, Ma...you have to..."

Red reached over and kissed her forehead, her lips lingering there in the maternal gesture. "Not without you."

She pulled back and to her relief, Nicky's face crumpled, and Red took her girl into her arms for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. Red closed her eyes, her own tears silently falling on the beautiful curls she would miss seeing on a daily basis more than anything in the world. As Nicky cried, Red just rocked her back and forth. Minutes passed in silence as two lost souls found each other again. This was home for them both and always would be.

Red pulls back took look Nicky in the eyes. "We'll talk. Once a week, twice a week, whenever you want. You call me. And I'll visit as often as I can. All right?"

Nicky nods, but leans forward again into Red's embrace, the side of her face pressing against her chest. Red kissed the top of her head. "And when you get released, I'll be waiting for you. Okay? You are not alone, Nicky. As long as I am here, you are not alone. Do you understand?"

Nicky can manage a sob as a response. How can this be happening? How could Red be giving her everything she's ever wanted, even after all the times she fucked up, all the hurtful things she had said to her? She clenched her fist around the front of Red's hoodie. She sniffled loudly. "You promise?"

Red squeezed her tighter. "I promise. You've been my light in the darkness since the moment you came into my life. I love you so much. I'm sorry if I've made you doubt that, especially in the last few weeks. I guess I just assumed you knew that when you were released, you would come and stay with me. It never occurred to me that you didn't know. You're my family and you know how I feel about that."

Nicky smiled. "I do. But...are you sure? It can be temporary you know, if it's too much. I don't want to crowd you..."

Red kissed the top of her head again. "Shhh. I'd keep you close forever if I could, malyshka."

Nicky pulled back and looked up at her. "This means so much to me, Red. I'll make you proud someday, I promise."

Red shook her head. "You make me proud everyday, Nicky. You have fought your demons and you are one of the kindest, gentlest souls I've ever known. I couldn't ask you for more." She reached over and wiped away a tear from Nicky's face, then put a lock of hair behind her ear. She took a deep breath. "You know...if we could just figure out how to communicate better we would save ourselves a lot of unnecessary drama, don't you think?"

Nicky shrugged. "Drama is our way of communicating. We always find our way, we just take the long way around sometimes."

Red chuckled. "It's true. And for the next few weeks I promise not to sound so insensitive to your feelings about this. I feel terrible about that, you know. The last thing I want is for you to feel as if you don't matter, Nicky. Because you do."

Nicky nods. "I know. I should have just come to you with what I was feeling. I'm sorry for asking you to back off. I'll never ask you to again."

Red reached over and patted her cheek. "I have no intention of ever letting us drift apart again. I love you, my girl. Never doubt that."

Nicky wrapped her arms around Red's neck. "I love you, too, Ma."