Remus/James fic written for SxMxD's "Write It Up" challenge :)
It will be multi-chap, although this chapter can also read as a one-shot.
World of Evil
Nobody could ever know what James was thinking. Ever. These thoughts that so often consumed him were wrong, but so right in his own eyes. Sirius wouldn't understand. Nor Peter. Remus would probably lie and say 'it's all right' but he would never really accept it, not on the inside. Why couldn't this world be more open to the choices people lived to make? It was a wrong world. A nasty, integrated, evil land of normal naïve people. Not a world James wished to live in. Why couldn't he fit in with the crowd? He was too busy complying, lying to himself and others to fit in. Sooner or later he'd crack and it would all come flowing out, ready for the eager ears of his friends. Acceptance is one trait that is rare in the Wizarding World. James wasn't sure if he'd get the one in a million chance that some lucky people managed to land. He just hoped, prayed, wished that everything would be all right.
So James sat on his red and gold four-post bed, legs crossed and book in his lap, writing the feelings down. The feelings that he couldn't speak out loud, ever. He sighed heavily, peering down at his messy scroll on the parchment in his notebook; his diary:
Dear Diary,
Today has been hard. I just don't know what to do! Somebody help me, if anyone's out there the please please help me. Pretending to be something I'm not is becoming a bother and I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on for. Remus seems to be beginning to work things out. He's noticing things, which scares me. What If he knew? What if he found out that I love him? What if he found out that every little thing he does makes me so happy and content? That's just something I wouldn't like to know, because it'd most probably have a disastrous outcome. Merlin, what if they all found out I was like a little girl, sitting alone on her bed writing her feelings in a diary? They'd laugh, and then they'd see the words, feel the meanings and shun me. Life is a complicated concept. I wake up every morning knowing that I'll have to think of a new story, just in case I'm caught taking a short meaningful glimpse into those amber eyes. Lily Evans is the perfect excuse. She's beautiful – no doubt about it, but I just don't swing that way. The sad thing is that if I wasn't acting so hard like I'm obsessed with her, I'd probably have her as a best friend; she'd probably like me, maybe even accept me! Everything in this damned world contradicts itself. Wow, if Remus saw me writing this mush he'd probably stare open mouthed and kiss me (mental note: don't scrap this idea – could be useful if worst comes to worst). Anyway, I think I can hear someone coming so I'll have to stop writing.
James x
James shut the notebook and slipped it under his mattress slyly, just as Sirius sauntered into the room and dropped casually down on his bed.
"You've been up here for hours mate," he said, pulling his dirty socks off and throwing them into the 'Sirius Pile' in the corner. This 'Sirius Pile' had been growing and growing for weeks, and it was becoming highly dangerous, but James couldn't be bothered to mention the death risk.
"I've just been tired. Hey, Lily spoke to me today," James said, eyebrows raised and grinning madly. It wasn't even a false grin. Whenever he spoke of Lily, he thought of Remus instead, to make the happiness seem less false. He'd think of Remus's unbelievable scent. The way it would draw him in never failed to amaze James; how could it be so bloody addictive? And then there was his smile. Simply mind-blowingly heart-breakingly gorgeous, making James go weak at the knees. He sat there in his stupor, unaware of Sirius's grin.
"You're such a girl James," he accused jokingly. "Your eyes glazed and you started dreaming about getting into Lily's pants. Am I right or am I right?" he asked, grinning from ear to ear. Think of getting into Remus's pants thought James, smiling. Oh, the thought. Remus...
As if on cue, Remus burst into the room, falling to the floor with a thump.
"Ouch," he muttered as he stood up, rubbing his elbow from where he banged it on the wooden floorboards. Sirius and James hadn't stopped laughing at him, which caused an angry expression to fall over his features.
"You guys can laugh all you want," he said angrily making his was to his bed. "But I landed right next to the 'Sirius Pile' and I might die."
"The what?" asked Sirius with a confused expression. James was still giggling madly.
"Well, you know that pile in the corner, the one with all your belongings in?" James said through laughs.
"Oh, you mean my trunk?" Sirius asked. Remus's eyes widened.
"Your trunk's in amongst that pile? Does that mean everything is in there that you own?"
"Umm yeah, why?"
"That's disgusting Sirius. You'll die from intoxication. Haven't you even smelt that pile of filth?" Remus questioned.
"I don't smell anything," Sirius said. Remus and James exchanged twin glances, both silently agreeing not to laugh.
"I guess that means that stench is your permanent smell then, eh Sirius?" James said. Remus let go, and burst out laughing, causing James to fall into hysterics as well.
"Oh, c'mon! I don't smell that bad! I wash every now and then!" said Sirius, defending himself, and taking a sniff at his armpit. He coughed. "But a wash never hurt anyone," he added, dashing to the bathroom.
James began thinking. The reason he didn't want his friends to know about his sexual orientation, and his forbidden feelings towards Remus was for moments like this. These unforgettable moments that he treasured.
Review please!