AN: Just a rant for fun! I read a lot of 'Sue' fics last night while looking for a good one, and I hated it! Just what I think Damon would have to say. This isn't based off any specific OC.

Mary Sue.

While I won't tell you how exactly I came across this horrifying phenomenon, I'll tell you that it is completely and utterly disgusting. I, Damon Salvatore, would never have the patience for a relationship, let alone one with a whining, snivelling anti-princess (or princess) complex. Unfortunately many of you out there seem to think that I and this 'Mary Sue' are a perfect match. I'm going to tell you why you're completely and totally wrong.

First things first, the names of these women. 'Valencia Ameliora Craven Gilbert". The only think that's relatively pronounceable is Gilbert, and NO, using the last name Gilbert doesn't guarantee in any way shape or form that I would consider 'loving' her. In fact, it makes her one of those annoying relatives of Elena that I have to be oh-so-careful of! I can almost guarantee that that's the only reason that I wouldn't kill said woman. The most confusing part of these names is the introduction. "Hi, I'm Damon."
"Hi, I'm Marylinda Helena Ameliora Forbes, but my friends call me Raven. How exactly do you get Raven from that? How do you get anything from a name like that other than "My parents couldn't decide and named me everything they could think of!" Who knows, maybe they let boozy grandma at the birth certificate. All I know is that I sincerely feel bad for these girls...learning to write their names must have been the reason for their apparent brain damage.

Let me put something out there: I like women. A lot. Deviant, fiery, intelligent women. Looking like a Victoria's Secret Angel is a bonus, too. Now that you know this, let me ask you: Why do you keep throwing 14-16 year old pre-pubescent girls at me? I'm not a pedophile, and I'm glad to see that the world has so much faith in my taste in women. "but she's a vampire, so he's actually..." Stop. She's still young enough to be Jenna's kid. I like women who can drink, who can make their own money, and most of all women who know their way around a mattress (or shower, park, floor, kitchen, car...you get the point). I don't have the patience for your 40 paragraph long build-up to "I can't...It's my first time." No. Damon Salvatore does not gently coax women into the world of sex. This is something they should already know about, or I have no interest (yeah, all you Damon-rape fanatics out there...I don't need or want to do that to someone. I may kill people, but I'm never that desperate. In case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty irresistible.)"

Naturally we're going to talk about appearance. Seeing as I rarely if ever do 'love', deadly good looks and an amazing dressing ability are very important. Instead of sending me a curvaceous Amazonian goddess, you send me ripped-up jeans, fried black hair (with either pink, red, purple, green or blue in it...or all of them. Who knows.), 20 pounds of eyeliner, a leather jacket, and a Good Charlotte or Paramore t-shirt. I have no idea what these bands are, but judging by how much your characters love them, I would probably not. What do these clothes do for the body? Absolutely nothing. There's no cleavage in these T-shirts, no curves (not that your character has any), and no mature sense of sexuality. On top of the horrible sense of style, you drag me through 20 paragraphs of detail about clothing that I don't care about. My leather jacket suddenly doesn't look very attractive...maybe I'll switch to a wool coat or something (something that 14 year olds won't idolize quite so easily).

The clothing seems to mirror some kind of "Fuck authority" personality (which under normal circumstances I would like) that is completely useless. The rules ladies, follow the rules. If you're going to be a complete badass and get away with it, people in power have to worship you. People who adore you believe that you can do no wrong, and they won't bother checking on things that you say...even when they're complete and obvious cover ups. Of course, I'd imagine that this has something to do with how immature your character is; they're normally rebelling against teachers and anyone older than 18. I'm only going to say this once: rebelling against teachers gets you nothing but a long, dismal school existence. I've never been to high school, but it seems like the kind of place that you want to get out of as quickly and effortlessly as possible; this is best done by smiling, nodding, and not hearing a word they say. This would be a good time to point out that I don't hang around Mystic Falls high for you to glance at out of your classroom window, or at all really. I avoid that place like the plague, and if I need anything from Stefan, Elena, or Judgey I have a cell phone. Much easier than taking the risk of having myself set in your preteen goth-punk sights.

I'd like to take this time to remind you that there's no way that your 16 year-old ass would be drinking next to me at the Grill. I can't remember what the 'legal age' is, but I know it has to be over 20. Thankfully no bartender will serve you, which saves me the scene where you show me how 'badass' you are by holding down 18 shots of bourbon. No person would subject themselves to the massive hangover (and alcohol poisioning) that 18 shots would bring unless they had a serious, serious problem (Your entire family died 20 minutes ago, for example). I'm guessing that those shots are on my tab, right?

The conversations that you and I have in these stories are summed up with you insulting me continually, and me ultimately falling for you because you're so different. Who wants to be insulted for hours? In case you haven't noticed in the two years that you've been stalking me, I enjoy being adored and told that I'm completely and utterly irresistible. If you really want my attention wear something that I want to imagine taking off, open with something witty ('let's fuck' is always a good option, too...), and be nice. There's no fine line between being witty and being mean. I can take a flirting hit, but if it's just a hit you'll be setting yourself up for death in an upcoming chapter, I guarantee you.

I have to stop now, Stefan is yelling at me about some girl on the news. If I read any more of these 'Mary Sue' stories that I came across, I may just decide to either die or make myself a carbon copy of Stefan (the same as die, pretty much). On that note, I promise that I'll completely destroy any of these characters that I happen to meet. You've been warned, now you have no excuse.

Damon