5 hours to First Toke

"Happy eighteenth Birthday," smiled Neville at Harry.

Harry flipped him off, "Piss off you limp dicked plant-fucker."

Harry was pissed off. Cho Chang was totally banging that Cedric Diggory dude, which Harry would have been fine with if he had been that Cedric Diggory dude. But he wasn't, he was Harry freaking Potter, the Boy who lived. Why would a girl choose a useless piece of shit like Diggory over him?

Did she even see his cool lightning scar?

"Man, who knows what her deal is," Ron assured Harry comfortably, "If it helps, I've heard she's in Ravenclaw."

"Ron, what the hell is Ravenclaw? Is it like wizard herpes or something?"

Ron frowned, "Well no, it's like Hufflepuff, it's a Hogwarts Hou-"

Harry sighed, "Ron, I have no idea what a 'Hufflepuff' is. It's probably like witch AIDS or something isn't it? Ha-ha Cho Chang, what a slut!"

Ron opened his mouth and then closed it, the act resembling that of a goldfish gasping for air. He decided that with Harry's current emotional state, a Granger-esque correction of knowledge would just piss him off further.

"Sorry man. But if you want, we could do something to take your mind off it. Maybe play a bit of Quidditch or maybe even tickle a sleeping drag-"

"Can we do some recreational drugs?" queried Harry in a strangely out-of-character manner. Ron raised his eyebrows.

"Wow, I never knew you were interested in drugs until now, that's sort of left field. I suppose we could smoke some Gillyweed or something if you wanted…"

Now Harry raised his eyebrows, "Smoke Gillyweed? Doesn't that stuff just give you the ability to breathe underwater?"

"Depends how you consume it," smiled Ron, "It is much more potent when consumed and you are instantly given gills. But if you smoke it, it's much weaker and you merely become amphibious, with the added side-effects of a 'high' as well as various hallucinations."

Harry grabbed Ron by the shoulders and stared deeply into Ron's eyes, "We are going to smoke some of that shit."

Ron smiled, "Just let me contact my dealer. Yo Dobby!"

With a loud crack, Dobby appeared. Harry was shocked.

"Dobby? You deal drugs? Like a drug dealer? For money?"

Dobby smiled sheepishly, knocking his feet together awkwardly.

"Harry Potter sir, you must understand. It is hard financially for an elf to sustain himself. You see sir, Dobby is paid little when employed, and not employed very often. As such sir, Dobby had to turn to… less favourable lifestyles to support Dobby, sir. Dobby is also a pimp on the side sir. Dobby's hands will never be clean, but Dobby still survives sir."

"Sounds pretty dope," smiled Harry, oblivious to the pain behind Dobby's confession, "Keep that pimping hand strong my friend, ha-ha!"

"Dobby keeps the bitches in line sir," Dobby grimaced, flashing his grills brilliantly. He turned and cane firm in his grip, he sauntered out of Hogwarts.

"Wait, did he give us the Gillyweed?" asked Ron, suddenly realising that at no point had Dobby actually done what he had been summoned to do.

The boys looked at each other and swore. They swore like fifty times.

"Dobby, get back here!"

95 minutes until First Toke

As Harry finished rolling up the last of the Gillyweed, he noticed that they had a small pile here.

"By the boy who lived," gasped Harry, "we've got enough Gillyweed here to give at least three Hogwarts houses a trip! We should throw an illegal drug party in the Gryffindor Tower."

"Sure, I'll let everyone in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw know," began Ron before Harry shook his head. Ron looked puzzled.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want any diseased people in here, sharing my wads," gestured Harry angrily. He was pumping his wrist as though in either ecstasy or disgust.

Ron rolled his eyes for at least three minutes, "Fine Harry, fine! I'll invite everyone in Gryffindor and the two OTHER Hogwarts houses, that aren't Slytherin."

"Damn right," groaned Harry as he watched Ron leave the room. Harry hated to watch Ron leave, but he loved to watch him go. In a strictly platonic sense.

38 minutes since First Toke

It was the night of the party and everyone was lighting up a Gillyweed joint. How high did they even need to be?

Somehow, even Hermione had been roped into toking up, and she was as high as a kite.

"I'm going to fuck Crookshanks," she screamed with wild abandon as she rolled around on the floor.

Ron and Harry laughed before discreetly tossing Crookshanks out the window to ensure Hermione couldn't act on her furry ambition.

"Holy fuck, what did you do," gasped Neville in horror as he watched them toss the cat out the window.

"We just saved him from bestiality man, didn't you get the memo?" laughed both Ron and Harry in unison.

They high-fived each other, glad to have saved Crookshanks from a horrible fate.

Crookshanks fell all the way from the Gryffindor Tower and onto a particularly sharp steeple top some 50 metres below. As he lay purring painfully, Crookshank mused that Harry and Ron had rather missed the point. He also noted with some irony, that he hadn't. Then he died.

? Unknown time period since First Toke

The music from the tower swelled louder and louder. Harry, Ron and everyone else's memories were beginning to get hazier. Events were spinning out of control. Harry's memories were getting fainter, at one point he became aware of streaking across the Great Hall and then he lapsed into an amnesiac state until a later point where he was watching Crabbe and Malfoy engaging in homosexual sex.

He remembered throwing up and returning to the Common Room, minus his shoes. After embracing someone, his memory failed him for the rest of the night; he didn't even know where Ron went.

There was only oblivion.

15 hours since First Toke

Harry awoke in his bed. The sheets pressed softly against his skin. He felt incredibly free and tired and… also he was naked? He reached down and sure enough, he found he was unclothed.

He swore to himself and discreetly tried to gauge who was in his room. He didn't want Seamus or Dean or Neville or Ron to see his naked body. Too much potential for an awkward relationship afterwards.

As he glanced around the room, he noticed that luckily there was no-one in any of the other beds. He also noticed that there were other people in his bed. People as in the plural form of person. They were also naked. Harry could only surmise that he had taken part in group sex.

He glanced over at the other participants. He could see Cedric Diggory, Cormac MacLaggen, Charlie Weasley, Eloise Midgen (finally a female, Harry was worried it would have been a total sausage fest) and finally… Mrs Norris?

'Holy god,' thought Harry to himself, 'I can see one too many penises right now.'

He quickly gathered his clothes and ran out of the room. Outside the door, with a resigned and yet unjudging expression on his face stood Dumbledore. Harry swore.

"Harry, Harry, Harry," sighed Dumbledore, "What have you done?"

"I have no idea," exclaimed Harry, "I seriously don't remember a thing."

"You've made quite a mess of things Harry," admitted Dumbledore, "So I'm going to have to help you clean up. Come to my office."

"Are we going to the Pensieve to retrieve my memories?" asked Harry with surprising foresight.

"Yes, the memories are still there, even if you can't access them yet. I need you Harry. I need your memories to find out where Ron has disappeared to."

"Ron's gone?"

"Yes, and you were the last person with him. Additionally, you are the person responsible for this mess. I will have to deduct one hundred points from Gryffindor."

Harry shed a single tear. Dumbledore smiled.

"Harry, if you help me find Ron, I will give Gryffindor one hundred and fifty points and you will be given a trophy."

Harry smiled, "Sweet, let's do this thing."

To Be Continued…