THE DANGERS OF BEING SENILE
A little something to ward off the Monday Blues, this is probably a Crack!fic. NCIS : LA's Hetty and Harry Potter's Dumbledore meet up in a home for the senile and realize that between the both of them, they have enough knowledge - and therefore, power- to achieve world-domination. Part of my SWB Initiative.
Hetty Lange does not like being in a home.
They don't have real tea, they treat her like a child and everyone else is just so…normal. And you can pretty much be sure that after years of doing her job, Hetty does not do normal.
But she also knows that she is getting old; in fact, she already is old. And that she tends to wander off on her own at the most inconvenient of times. And Hetty also knows, sadly, that her memory isn't as good as it once was, and neither is her perception and logic.
And this, Hetty thinks, is probably why she decided to talk to the odd man in long robes the day he showed up.
Sipping on her tea (which is the wrong type – again), Hetty Lange takes a look around her, pursing her lips in distaste at the sight that greets her. Elderly people – lots and lots of elderly people – all in various stages of being senile. Briefly, Hetty wonders to herself what she is doing here.
Then it occurs to her. She must be senile!
This causes Hetty to go deep into thought, the implications of her current state proving to be quite worrisome. After all, we are talking about a woman who knows basically everything that one should know. And even things that one should not know.
The next time Callen and Kensi visit her, she fully intends on chewing their heads off for leaving her in a home like this. She's probably a threat to national security now! Never mind, Hetty soothes herself, taking a sip of her tea. It doesn't matter now.
She sits on her own for a while, taking in the patients around her, gleefully noting a few who aren't quite crazy yet. These, she can strike up a friendship with. But she'll stay away from the crazy ones; they might be infectious.
Or maybe she should stick with the crazy ones instead; that way, any information she might share will not be taken seriously. So absorbed is Hetty while considering these thoughts that her senses give away. Too late, she notices a man walking up to her table. A crazy man, she corrects herself. Time to test her theory.
"Hello," Greets the man with a British accent. Hetty tries to ignore his long, blue robes, which resemble an old sleeping gown more than anything. "I am Albus Dumbledore." He introduces himself and Hetty fights to keep a laugh under control.
"Hetty Lange," She smiles. "Would you like to join me? I have tea!" She joyfully shares the information. The man nods and takes a seat, accepting the warm cup of tea.
"Would you like some lemon drops?" The man offers, pulling a bag of the treats out of his robes, a feat which convinces Hetty to try out her theory, because this man is obviously crazy.
"Yes, please," She says primly, accepting a handful. "Would you be interested in hearing of the political secrets I've carried with me for the last three decades?" She starts, observantly noting the man's blank face.
"I wouldn't mind," Dumbledore starts. "But only if you will allow me to share some of my secrets, ones I've kept for the Ministry." Hetty shrugs; this seems innocent enough, and after all, the man is probably making all of this up.
And so starts the odd conversation in which these two powerful people take turns divulging confidential information, occasionally worrying about the secrets they're sharing, but brushing aside their worries with thoughts of Oh never mind, it's just a harmless crazy person.
"The entire Wiz-Wizen-" Hetty struggles with the odd word the man had used.
"Wizengamot." Dumbledore says simply. "And yes, those were all their secrets. I believe it is the equivalent to your Parliament." He states.
"And I've just told you everything I know about them, which is everything." Hetty says slowly, the truth sinking in. "Do you realize what this means, Albus?" She asks excitedly, calling him by his first name.
"Oh, I believe I do, Miss Lange." The elderly man smiles confidentially.
"I can finally attempt world domination! This is wonderful news!" Hetty enthusiastically declares, her mind forming brilliant plans even as she speaks.
"I will be able to take my revenge and control the Ministry, just as I have always wanted to!" Dumbledore cries, overjoyed by this new prospect.
"Oh yes," Hetty says gleefully, taking a sip of her tea. "We will get our revenge…and what is rightfully ours, after so many years of tireless work."
"World domination is ours." Dumbledore agrees calmly, holding up a teacup.
They toast.
Oh yes, Hetty Lange does not like being in a home.
They have the wrong tea, they underestimate her to have the mentality of a three-year-old and the crazy patients suffocate her.
But Hetty knows that she has a memory problem, that she is slowly losing her logic, and that she has made a friend in the odd, peculiarly-dressed man she now knows as Albus Dumbledore.
And Hetty also knows that one day, probably with the aid of Abby Sciuto, she and Dumbledore will be able to use their knowledge to take over the world.
Yes, the dangers of being senile are quite exciting when you consider world domination.
Now that I think of it, this is probably terribly AU…but then again, it's a Crack!fic, so whatever. Hope this worked to ward off your Monday Blues. Next up, I'm working on a new chapter for Baby Sister, going to expand Wedding Fiasco into a long one-shot and not the pathetic two-chapter story it is now, work on my new CaKe fic and write a sequel or two to Mommy Issues.
And though this will be the first – and last – Crack!fic you'll be getting from me in a long, long time, feel free to drop a review and let me know if you'd like a sequel sometime in the future where Hetty and Dumbledore actually attempt world domination. Who knows, it could be part of the next SWBI! (for more information on the SWBI, scroll down.)
If you'd like to distract me for a moment (because I can get too absorbed with all this and end up writing crap), review or PM me anytime!
E Salvatore,
April 2011.
The Screw Writer's Block Initiative (SWB Initiative) is open to everyone – and I mean everyone – who's ever won against writer's block. And if you're battling it right now…well, you've got perfect timing! Focus on a small plot bunny that just won't leave you alone and write a one-shot of your choice. Be sure to mention the Initiative or SWB Initiative. Come on, let's kick writer's block's a$$!