The band strikes up a version of the Dr Who theme, playing it slowly. The male professional dancers march onto the dance floor, suited head to heel in silvery suits and Cybermen head gear. They clomp around with robotic movements. The music quickens and sounds more sinister; the girls flit in and run rings around the slow moving Cybermen. They are dressed in skimpy light-grey drapery and wear large, folded wings; they are meant to be Weeping Angels.
The characteristic TARDIS wheezing is heard, and a flimsy blue police box descends from above; it has a glitter ball on top in place of the blue light. The angels circle around it and surround it. It is raised again and they freeze rigid. The dance ends with the Cybermen carrying off the frozen Angels. The audience claps and cheers with immense enthusiasm.
The camera changes to a close-up of a more solid police box with a placard hanging on it which says 'TARDIS'. The door opens and the grinning main presenter puts her head out. As she steps out and straightens up, the camera pulls back, revealing that this TARDIS is as small as a Wendy house. She delivers her best joke of the evening: "It's bigger on the inside." The audience chortle appreciatively, making the most of what they know from past experience is the only good a gag they will hear all night.
She is wearing a long, off-the-shoulder gown, very glamorous. Her grin widens. "Welcome to 'Strictly Come Daleks' … I mean 'Strictly Come Dancing.'" The traditional bad gag is treated with the traditional dead silence. Now that she has delivered the lines someone else wrote for her, she relaxes and shows an un-forced smile. "Tonight is Doctor Who week. … Let's meet the judges:
"Cragg Rebel Scum." Cragg, ever a contrarian, is wearing a Star Trek uniform.
"Judge Dame Dancy Bustop." Dancy, always elegant, has one concession to the night's theme: tiny TARDIS earrings.
"Head judge, Shoreleave Balustrade." Shoreleave has gone the whole hog and is dressed as the current Dr Who, including a blonde wig. The costume department got carried away and she is also wearing a Tom Baker scarf.
"And guest judge, Adrian Mole." Adrian: poet, author, diarist, civil servant and one-time TV chef, is wearing a 'Dalek outfit'. He looks and feels like a total dickhead. Adrian was the 'first off' contestant on last year's Strictly, and the popular papers have been claiming that he is back as a one-off judge because the BBC made an error in his contract.
The camera switches to the two presenters standing together. The second presenter is wearing what looks like a baggy black onesie thickly covered in sequins and winking red and yellow lights; she stares defiantly into the camera. The tall main presenter talks to camera again. "Our first couple is Cat and Kitty. Last week, judge Dancy admired Cat's 'nimble footwork' in the quickstep, while Cragg remarked on his 'lack of discipline and precision'. Will they do better this week dancing the Minuet?"
A pre-recorded insert at this point shows Cat and Kitty rehearsing. A voiceover by Kitty says, "Dr Who is a time traveller, so we have gone back in time to a dance of yesteryear, the Minuet." The film shows Cat's comrades from Red Dwarf making a 'surprise' visit to his rehearsal. There is a slight edge to this as Kryten is also one of this year's contestants.
Judge Cragg is scathing of their performance. To boos and cries of disgust from the audience he tells them: "Kitty, DARLINK, there is no place for lifts in a Minuet, still less cartwheels and the splits. Cat, you must hold your core. The Minuet is a stiff, formal dance; you were far too relaxed."
Judge Dancy agrees. She adds, "Cat, in the Minuet, keeping pace with your partner is crucial. You need to work on that."
Head judge Shoreleave, makes some technical points about rise-and-fall and placing the feet. Adrian commiserates with Cat over his 'costume malfunction'. (Cat started the dance wearing an oversized powdered wig, which inevitably fell off and got under his feet.)
We are given a quick glance at the band: some are wearing Cybermen masks and the drummer is a Sontaran. In the gloom it looks as though the singers are Wraith Queens, but the camera view changes again before we can be sure.
"Next to dance," says the presenter, "is Pinocchio and his partner Earing. Last week the judges said Pinocchio's performance was 'stiff and wooden'. What will they make of tonight's dance?"
Pinocchio and Earing are dressed as the first doctor and his granddaughter; almost nobody under sixty recognises them. They dance the Jitterbug. Pinocchio's dancing is frenetic; he gets applause and cheers throughout.
Cragg is the first to comment: "A-MAY-ZING! The improvement from last week is amazing." The audience whoops. "You've lost your strings and taken a big step to becoming a dancer." The audience mull this over. "Your coordination is poor and you were out of step much of the time." Boos and dissent from the audience. "But I LIKED IT!" Cheers.
Shoreleave has cast aside her wig and the scarf. "Wow! The Jitterbug is your dance. To think you were in the dance-off last week." More cheers from the audience.
(Last week Pinocchio and Earing were pitted against 'Beast' Raban Harkonnen in the dance-off, and won through by one vote. Raban launched himself on judge Bruin Tonsillitis when he got too enthusiastic and incautiously likened Raban to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. This was not broadcast – you don't think it's transmitted live do you? – but it may still be available on YouTube. The picture of Bruin recovering in St. Mungo's surrounded by flowers and cards from fans made most front pages.)
The next couple are Olive Oyl and the luckless Anton. The presenter says, "Last week both Cragg and Bruin praised Olive's Black Bottom. This week Olive and Anton are dancing the Australian Quickstep."
At the end of an awkward 90 seconds of clumsy gyration, the one sailor in the audience is on his feet, clapping wildly; nobody follows his example.
Judge Shoreleave struggles to think of something positive to say. "Olive, that was not your best dance. The Quickstep is a particularly difficult dance to do well; the Aussie variation is a challenge even for professionals."
Adrian says, "Olive, 'your feet's too big'." This quotation, though apt, draws loud boos from the crowd, drowning out everything else he says. As some wit said later in a spin-off discussion program, "Mole really put his foot in it."
Judge Cragg's comments are highly technical and damning. Poor Olive wilts; stoic Anton struggles to guide her up the stairs. The judges give their scores: Olive and Anton have become members of the select 'single figure' club.
Last to dance are Kryten and his partner, Camille La Gelf. They dance a Waltz. Cragg says that there is marked improvement, but that their movements "lack grace". Dancy agrees, she tells Kryten that he needs to work on being lighter on his feet, and to improve his facial expression.
At last the voting opens. The professional dancers take to the floor; the girls are hampered by wearing stiff Dalek outfits from the neck down. Above the music we hear the iconic Dalek cry, but instead of 'exterminate, exterminate' it is 'Terpsichore, Terpsichore', an allusion lost on much of the audience.
The men are dressed as various incarnations of The Doctor. While the girls remain stationary, the men prance around them and then leave the floor. Another girl, dressed as the current, female Doctor enters carrying an enormous Sonic Screwdriver, its tip pulsing bright blue. As she touches it to each 'Dalek' in turn their Dalek outfit bursts apart, and the leggy young lady within is revealed. The other Doctors return and each pairs up with a former Dalek. All dance together, and finish to tumultuous applause.
-END OF SHOW-
No dancers were harmed in the making of this farce.