Black Star
One-shot
A/N: I do not own Bleach and its characters. If I did, it would've ended differently.
The two nakama sit side by side on the familiar rooftop of the Kurosaki Clinic, staring up at the stars in the night sky of the living world. There has been a silence for a while now since they've sneaked out from the party that's going on downstairs. A dead silence. Companionable? Definitely. Comfortable? Not really.
It has been ten years.
Ten years since Yhwach tried and failed to merge the worlds together.
Ten years since all the races, which were once opposing one another, came together as one to defend their existence as who they were.
Ten years since all three worlds have started to repair themselves after the war that almost destroyed the entire universe.
Ten years since the great Kurosaki Ichigo had fought with everything he had...
Only to lose the only thing he wanted.
Again.
He fought his way into Soul Society to rescue her, only for her to stay back instead of returning with him to his world.
He fought his way to stop Aizen from overthrowing the Soul King, only to lose his shinigami powers and the ability to see her for the next 17 months.
He should've seen the pattern of simultaneously losing and winning over and over again. He knew he should have. But he didn't want to. He never wanted to.
They say 'third time's the charm'. Pfft, he thinks. Didn't work for him. He fought, alright. With the leader of his mother's race, no less. He probably should've just let the bastard win and rule together with him as his right hand man. Only then, he would've gotten the only thing he ever wanted. After all, Yhwach only desired eternal life for everyone. And Ichigo... He desired only her.
But, no. He had to do what he did, not just to save the universe from the reign of a diabolical leader, but to avenge his mother's death as well.
So here he is, ten years later on the rooftop of the Kurosaki Clinic. It is almost a perfect night. With an almost perfect peace. In an almost perfect world. Beside this almost perfect being. Who – he always wondered, had things been different and Yhwach had won and the worlds had merged and everyone had eternal life with no fear of death but just a happily ever after – would've been almost his.
He glances sideways at the taller but still petite shinigami. They are both in sync with the way they're sitting – elbows on their knees, back relaxed with a slight curve at the spine. Probably in sync in their thoughts as well.
"I like the hair," he says, breaking their silence.
She smirks. "You don't look so bad, yourself."
They don't thank each other for compliments. It is how they work. 'Sorry' and 'thank you' are two things they convey to each other with their eyes and actions.
He smirks back but his mind is still thinking of the 'what ifs' as he faces forward and his ever-perpetual scowl returns. They have never talked about it. He doesn't think it's wise to do it now. Nothing can be done about it, after all. But he cannot help being curious about it.
"Rukia..."
"Yes?" she responds clearly but he can see from the corner of his eyes that her posture tenses up a little. She knows what he's about to say. After all these years, they still read each other's minds like open books.
"Would it have been..."
"Don't." She holds up a palm to him before he can continue.
"What?" He furrows his brows as he stares at the side of her face.
She shakes her head without facing him. She is refusing to properly look him in the eye, he realises. It's been like that since she arrived that evening.
"I want to know," he says in a stern voice and turns his body entirely to face her.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Why?"
She shrugs.
"Rukia..."
"No!" she barks and glares at him.
He is taken aback but he can see her violet-blue eyes now with their held-back emotions. Damn that Kuchiki mask!
"For the record..."
"Let's not do this, Ichigo. You know neither of us is going to get anything out of this," she interrupts again.
Unlike her, he doesn't shelter how he feels. He displays all his weaknesses and lets the old wound resurface in all its glory for her to see. "Why the hell not, Rukia? I just want to know if you ever felt the same way. Is that so much to ask? For old time's sake?" Stubborn arse. He and she, both.
"Why do you want to know? It's not like we can do anything about it now. It'll only make it harder for the both of us. We've moved on. I have moved on. We're both married to the people who love us and have loved us for a long, long time. It wouldn't be fair to them if we brought things up that would only hurt us again. Because it will definitely hurt them too," she says and he sees her fighting back everything that is threatening to return with full force.
He feels himself breaking at the sight of her struggles but he wants to be selfish for once. He wants to know. And he tells it to her again. But she keeps shaking her pretty little head with that frown that tells him that he is still the biggest idiot she has ever known in her 'forever' life. Her idiot, he thinks. He wants to say exactly that but he knows he can't because that would complicate the matter even further and she will run away before he gets the answer he wants to hear and he wants her to stay… just for a few more moments before they head downstairs to where reality is.
"Please..." he finally begs. "It's something that's been bugging me all these while. And I want, for this short moment... I want it to be ours. Our Ichigo-Rukia moment, you know? Like all those years back when we used to sit around and talk about everything and nothing."
She gets it and like him, she also wonders why, of all the 'everything and nothing' they talked about, this was never one of them. Maybe they took every talk for granted. Maybe they took every moment they had for granted. Maybe they took each other for granted. They were just that stupid. Fighting for everything but them.
She sighs and slips her hand into his. It is their first and last. She lifts her glistening eyes to his fiery amber ones and humours him one last time. After all, it is a very rare moment for this hotheaded ryoka boy – now, man – to beg. "I did," she answers his biggest question. "Feel the same way, I mean. For the longest time. But I had to be practical about this." She turns to fully face him and takes his other hand, too.
He grimaces. From the looks of it, he suspects he wouldn't have gotten his happy ending even if they had talked about it years ago.
"And it wouldn't have made any difference," she continues.
He knows it but he still wants to hear it. A masochist, he's always been.
"Because there would've been too many obstacles keeping us from being together. My brother, the elders... in fact, the whole of Soul Society would never have allowed us to be together. We're from two different worlds, Ichigo," she explains calmly despite the few drops of tears that have already escaped.
"So what?" he growls, tightening his hold on her hands. "I would've fought for us. I've done it so many times. I would've done it again… just one more time for our happiness. And I'm sure I would've won."
She smiles sadly and shakes her head in awe of his determination, which never ceases to amaze her. "And what would that have achieved? We both know we're not selfish enough to gain our own happiness by disrupting the peace and the normal cycle of things in the process."
He squeezes his eyes shut and swallows the lump in his throat. She's right. They would never hold on to their wants and desires at the expense of others. This is what makes them so right for each other and yet so wrong for everyone else.
"I guess fate just likes to twist things around for us."
He scoffs. "All the damn time."
"Yeah," she says, the corner of her lips tilt upwards in reminiscence of the past.
"Yeah," he parrots.
They both stay silent again, once again sitting side by side – only just noticing that they have already let go of each other's hand, probably running over the 'what ifs' one last time, with Ichigo glaring up ahead at an invisible black star. Now that it's all out in the open between them, they are still unsure if they should grieve for what they could've had or feel relieved that at least they got to know how the other feels... felt. But they are contented with what they have achieved tonight: the closure they never got to find after the war was over. One thing's for sure, though, it's still going to drizzle once in a while in his world.
"Well," he breaks the silence once again after what feels like an entire lifetime. "Perhaps in an alternate universe where someone else writes the story of our lives, then."
She turns back to look at him. And he sees that, this time, there is softness in her eyes that tells him she doesn't regret crashing into his world. She doesn't regret falling for him once upon a time. She doesn't regret the nakama-ship that they will always have between them.
"Yeah..." she nods with a genuine smile that warms his heart and breaks it a little at the same time. "Perhaps in an alternate universe."
Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite
that beams me home...
Omake
As the two walk towards the main door of the clinic, Ichigo lazily places a huge palm on Rukia's head. "Anyway, I'm glad you're back for a while, Chibi-taichou."
A kick in the shin is what he gets, as expected. "It's not Taichou. It's Kuchiki Rukia!"
The orange-head bends over to nurse his sore spot. But he smirks at their familiar antics. Some things never changed. And she doesn't even reprimand him for calling her chibi.
Entering the house, he shakes his head as he mentally sympathises with Renji. Her Kuchiki pride would never allow her to take up his family name.
I was numb after reading 686. I'm in the middle of writing the next chapter for Loosely but I'm also currently at a loss. So I shall allow myself to grieve for a while more before I continue. I hope that's okay with everyone who follows that fic.
Let's all give ourselves a moment to mourn.
By the way, 'Black Star' is a song by Radiohead. I've been meaning to write a fic based on this because it's such a beautifully written song. Thom Yorke is an amazing songwriter. Looks like I got my wish but I hate that it had to be an IchiRuki fic.