Hey, readers! I'm back after three months, yeah think so! Give me one night to revise my stories and another night to update some. Here's a little treat. I warn you the characters are so out of themselves because right now this is how I feel about a certain guy. Nobody knows my secret, only my laptop does, and maybe you. Please comfort me! I'm so messed up.
" You know how painful it is not to be loved back, we share the same feeling, then"
Ruka,
I hate you.
Those three words can't even cover this wrath I am feeling towards you. You don't have any distinction from other guys. You are a jerk. You don't know which things really matter. You know you can't have both but you…you keep on pushing yourself to possess something you really can't have. And how dare you use me in the process? How dare you talk to me just to give you the satisfaction that you are the reason behind my smiles? How dare you try to make fool of me just because you're making fool of yourself for loving someone who can never really reciprocate that foolish feeling you have for her? How dare you make me feel the feeling I've always wanted to feel? How dare you show me those sweet actions that you originally crafted for her but were left unnoticed? How could you fake them when it was me?
You haven't the slightest idea of what I am going through because of you and your dirty tricks. You don't know what you're doing to me. I'm not yet done. How could you be so kind to me? Whenever I cry, why is it that you seem to care? Whenever I am depressed, why do you always tell me to cheer up? Whenever the whole world seems to close in on me, how could you be there to help me make it through? How could you offer that smile, that warmth, those pieces of advice, those words of recognition, and most especially your pretentious love?
What do you really want from me? One second, you're talking to me, and then in a minute to her! What….if she doesn't give a damn care about you, you'll search for someone who gives what you want? Me, then? How could you inspire me with your silly jokes and teases that I grew to love when I know they really are not meant for me?
The pain is just too much to bear. I can't even tell her what the hell I am feeling. Know why? Because she is my best friend, yes, but you love her! And I'm hoping she will also love you back instead of waiting for Natsume. That's why I can't. I'm trying to connect you two…trying to be a bridge. I can't let my feelings be in the way because I can't afford seeing you dejected whenever they communicate with each other through net. See, distance for them doesn't matter. No matter how far Natsume is from Mikan, they still have each other's heart. How about you? You can't stay for more than 100 meters away from Mikan, yet she just treats you as a simple friend.
Do you know that in truth she's getting pissed off by your persistent actions? She knows what you are doing, and she's not so happy about it. I'm trying to convince her not to get mad at you but it's her decision to be.
I really hate it, Ruka.
I am supposed to be busy creating innovations, but you keep on messing with my mind. I told myself not to even think of your name, but your face keeps on popping out! Do you know that it's fatal for me to shed even a drop of tear? It can actually make me lose tons of brain cells, and I would never want that!
Still, you made me do it. Just reminiscing the time when we had a special conversation – and I shouldn't even use that term: special – it gives me happiness to recall that you actually opened up to me, and I also did. You gave me encouraging words. You told me every word I needed to hear. But I am deleting that memory now because it was actually the first time I thought we share the same feeling, but you proved it wrong.
And whenever I'm absent, you pepper me with How-are-you-questions, like you genuinely care and worry about me. You even have the habit of saying " Go, Imai!" before I proceed to my real work.
What hurts the most is the fact that you said I Love You, Imai, for two times! Yes, I know those words just passed by like a lightning bolt but the sense was there. I love you, should be meant wholeheartedly. I thought you do. I thought you really feel that way about me. It was too late when I found out that you practically tell anyone that you love them, like it's just an automatic phrase from your mouth whether it's sincere or not.
How could you, Ruka? I am devastated. The whole of me inside is crumbling. The once clear visions of you and me in my mind are now just shattered pieces of memories I don't ever want to regain. I could really wish myself to have Amnesia right now because it 's the only way I can think of to get over you and move on.
You don't know how much you made me hate you. I could go there in your room and slap you, but will you even be threatened? You don't really care in the first place. It 's not your fault that I fell for your stupid and deceiving gestures. It's not your fault that I am assuming enough to conclude that you have completely forgotten Mikan and is now ready to give your heart to someone else who will treasure it like me.
You know what, even though I am in so much pain right now, I can't bring myself to hate you for a lifetime. I can't even plan revenge against you because I don't want you to be hurt. I just can't resist you. As much as I want to avoid you, whenever you call my name, my pride and my pain negate each other's effect making me answer you with a "Yes?" of course with that feigned smile.
I can no longer live in pretense that everything between us is perfectly in equilibrium. Because it will never be. I've harboured unrequited feelings towards you. Seeing you talking with Mikan just aggravates the case. I can't promise you to expect nothing whenever you strike a conversation with me because I'm a girl waiting for that love I've long been yearning for. So, I hope you'll be able to read this as soon as possible so that you'll know the circumstance.
You might as well help me accomplish the art of letting go. You can do your part by avoiding me and not talking to me for the rest of our years in the academy. Also, I beg you, if you want to talk with her, be sure I'm not around. Don't show me your smile intended for her. Most of all, don't you ever tell me again that you love me because no matter how much I try not to, I still helplessly believe it.
PS: I forbid you to see me after reading this letter. My eyes are swollen. I need time, space, and rest. Don't worry, you don't need to ask me how I am doing because everything will be back to normal once I get over you.
I love you.
Hotaru
" And I hope you know now that you're not the only one hurting because you're hurting someone, too..me"
I can't decide whether I'll mark this complete or not yet because this could actually be my diary. What do you think? Tell me, what on earth shall I do?