"I'm gonna put on my new shirt
Shine up these old boots
Take a deep breath
Try to keep my cool
I know you're gonna be there"
"Prongs! Mate, we are going to get late!"
"I hear you Pads! repeating yourself a million times doesn't help me get ready any faster." James Potter shouted from his room.
He was sincerely trying to make quick work of himself, but his jittery hands kept slowing him down. This was his fifth attempt at his tie and with every try the crinkles below the knot became more prominent. It was time to give up, there was a more pressing task at hand. He still had to fix his hair, strands of which were sticking out at odd angles, looking windswept and unkempt. Ofcourse thats how they always looked, but he was supposed to do something about it, at least for this evening. Sirius had categorically stated that in order to project a blasé and indifferent image, one has to change their hair. James had always figured it was something birds did, but he didnt quite trust his judgement right now. He emptied the sleakeazy's bottle on his mop of black hair, hoping that they would remain flattened for the entire party, but by now he had learned not to have very high hopes from anything.
He rushed down the steps, tripping over the last one, as his best friend's eyes shot daggers at him from the main door.
"If McKinnon refuses to shag me tonight because we were late, i swear I'll chop your balls off James."
"Calm down, Sirius. We will just apparate to the Hemmingway street and walk to her house. It'll barely take us ten minutes."
Sirius stopped in his tracks and stared disbelievingly at James.
"What?" James mumbled consciously, looking down, hoping he hadn't mucked up something important, like having forgotten to wear his pants.
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
James checked again. Nope, the pants were in place. "What is it? Is it the tie? I can't do anything about it Sirius, it's - "
"You have a date to the ball Prongs!" Sirius yelled incredulously. "You have to pick up Betty Blint from her house before going to the McKinnons'."
"Merlin's Beard, fuck" James swore, palming his face as realisation dawned upon him. His face felt hot and his fingers began strumming on their own accord. He could feel sweat beads crawling down his lower back. Shit. He didnt want his shirt to get patchy, he'll never be able to remove his blazer then.
As soon as they stepped out of the building of their flat, his glasses fogged with the chill. He wondered if there were a dementor or two lurking in the streets, waiting to suck the remaining ounce of confidence and self-esteem out with his soul.
The day they had received Marlene's letter, two weeks ago, James insides had twisted and screamed for him to decline the invitation. But Marlene McKinnon's wrath scared him more than his organs protesting to fail. It was her parents anniversary ball, and the McKinnons were like an extended family, so he had to be there.
And no matter how much his heart jumped and threatened to lurch out of his throat at the thought, Marlene was almost like a sister to her, so Lily Evans was definitely going to be there.
_
"I'm gonna have a couple of drink, just to knock of the edge
Not too much, dont want to make a fool of myself
And I'm gonna bring somebody, I barely even know
And when you turn my way, I'm gonna pull her in real close
And the crazy think about it, is I ain't into her at all
I just wanna see if you still care"
_
It was a bad idea. He had his suspicions from the minute Sirius had suggested it, and the first five minutes since he had met Betty Blint had confirmed it. To be fair, it was probably the mismatched enthusiasm that was causing all the discomfort. Betty had been eager to date James since school. He hadn't even asked her out, Sirius had done it on his behalf before even informing James of his seemingly brilliant plan. She had immediately agreed. James on the other hand was seeing her for the first time after leaving Hogwarts. He hadn't even bothered writing to her prior to their arranged date. Nevertheless his improper manners had not effected Betty.
Her strawberry-blond hair framed her long face perfectly, softening her protruding and angular jaw line. Every cut in her blood red dress had the intention of amplifying her shapely body. James never thought he could detest a shade of red in his life. The sugary scent of her perfume was nauseating him - too sweet.
Fuck. He forgot to apply his cologne. Never mind now.
Her bubbly laugh echoed and her six-inch heels clicked sharply as they walked down the path leading to the McKinnon's mansion. She clung to his arm and James had to consciously focus on not trying to shake it off.
As they entered the hall, the bright lights and noises hit him, making him scrunch up his nose. He nervously turned to Sirius for some support, but Sirius gave him a pointed look and dashed off to find Marlene.
His eyes darted across the room on their own accord. He spotted some familiar faces and some unknown. His own group of friends were nowhere to be seen. They were all probably on the dance floor already. All around them, they were surrounded by impeccably dressed individuals, socializing and glowing, discussing the days of their respective lives. James had grown up in this environment, attending and hosting balls for large gatherings, and yet he had never felt so out of place.
"Isn't your mansion bigger than this?" Betty whispered to him, her lips close to his ear. Too close.
James pulled his face back a bit to respond. "We spent our childhood playing pranks and Quidditch, not comparing the sizes of our parents houses."
"Ah Quidditch," she giggled. "Its a good thing you looked right incredible in your uniform, otherwise that obsession of yours wouldn't have gotten you too many girls."
"I'm still obsessed with Quidditch. I'm not wearing my uniform. I didn't exactly ask you out. Yet you're here, aren't you." James snapped and immediately bit back his tongue.
In her own way, she was just trying to flirt and make conversation. She had done nothing to deserve his sourness. He pondered upon apoligizing though she didn't look offended.
"I'm sorry Betty, I'm not being too good at keeping up with the conversation. Why don't I get us drinks from the bar?" James muttered, trying to keep his voice even.
"That'll be lovely" She smiled broadly. "I'll have a bloody mary."
"Really?" James looked at her curiously.
"Well it's the only good thing Muggles came up with." She smirked.
James eyes tightened as he tried to make sense of her comment.
"It was a joke, Jamie", she chuckled resting her palm on his chest.
James nodded managing to curve his lips in a somewhat - there grin and left for the bar.
The room was full of laughter and noise. He tried to avoid making eye-contact with anyone, keeping his head low and trying his best not to knock someone off as he navigated his way through the hall
"You made it!" - A warm and familiar voice called out to him. He turned around to find a slightly tipsy Remus Lupin opening his arms for a hug. He looked rather suave in his Navy muggle suit. The scars of the fool moon four days ago had faded from his skin.
"You've cleaned-up good Moony" James said hugging his friend back.
"Yeah? Thanks!" Remus beamed at him as James patted his back.
"Big night, huh?"
"Yap" James said, tapping his foot and taking another glance at the crowd. "Big night for the McKinnons."
"I meant for you." Remus said jabbing a finger into James' sternum.
"For me?"
"Oh don't even try to fib with me James. You're here, she is here. How long has it been?"
"Too long," James mumbled scruffing his toe into the carpet.
Remus was starting to make his perfect face. The face the clearly said - "I know what you're upto and I can stop you."
"I'm going to go get a drink," James mumbled before his friend could trap him into an uncomfortable confrontation and start lecturing him on his ways.
The bar was almost empty save for a few older gentlemen who didnt wish to hit the dancefloor. The bartender gave him a long look, probably contemplating the number of glasses someone with such an expression could empty out.
"Give me a fire-whiskey, neat."
One shot. Two shots. Three shots. The burning sensation of the drink going down his throat kept fading, but his nerves remained intact.
Should he have one more? Maybe he should stop. It was too early in the evening to get drunk. One more should be fine.
"One more ple - " he was cut off before he could reach the end of his sentence by a voice that made the hair on his skin prickle and stand.
"One firewhiskey topped with diet coke and three ice-cubes please and no more for this gentleman here."
There she stood looking all the same and yet his memories had done no justice to her beauty. Her hair were still red, the best shade of red. Her eyes still sparkling green, matching her elegant dress. Her milky white skin was smooth as ever, making his fingers ache to skim his hands over her just once. She stood straight raising her chin to keep her eyes level with his, and stretching her tiny double-chin. She was still perfect.
It had been an year since they broke up. One year and fifty three days to be precise. Sirius would have his head if he knew James was still keeping count. It was pathetic. Creepily, irritatingly, annoyingly, harrassingly pathetic. But like many other things, he had no fix for it.
"You still ditch your heels at parties." James managed to croak, his throat now burning with desire much stronger than the firewhisky.
"You still dont know how to tie a tie," she countered with a small smile.
She was always the first to find flaws in him. Nothing ever missed her eye.
"You look - "
"I've been - "
They both began their sentences and quitened simultaneously.
After a few seconds of silent staring at each other, James lamely asked "Alright, Evans?"
"I've been better" she murmered, cautiously raising her hands to fix his crooked tie, her nimble fingers occasionally skirting past his neck and making his heart stop.
The silence thickened inspiten of the noise around them. He could feel his eyes fading from the staring game and drowning into fathomless longing. God, how had he survived the last year without seeing her face? Pathetic.
"James?" he felt someone come from behind and hook an arm with his. He turned his face slightly to find a pouting Betty, whom he had completely forgotten about, the second time tonight.
"You're here with Betty Bint?" Lily gaped at him, managing to hit the glass the bartender had just handed her over, on to the edge of the counter and smashing it into a million shards.
The short commotion caused everyone to turn their way, and Lily kept flicking her eyes between James and Betty, trying to make sense of the picture before her.
"Her name is Betty Blint" James spoke up, suddenly feeling a little bit of confidence course through his veins, thanks to Lily's snide little comment on his date.
"Oh my god, you look familiar", Betty smiled turning to Lily, and offering her hand to her.
"I was the prefect and headgirl ordering you around for three years, I bet I look familiar and fatal." Lily's tone was smooth, soft and almost kind. It was the first ingredient for brewing trouble. James knew this tone all too well. It was the signal that a bat-bogey hex would be directed his way in the next few seconds.
"Betty, sweetheart," James began, as both women stared him in the face, one with pleasant surprise and the other with inbuilt fire. "Find us a nice table to sit, I'll get the drinks and then we'll go meet people."
"Ofcourse James" Betty giggled leaning into kiss his cheek, thrilled that he was finally playing along. James smiled at her and waited for her to leave before turning back to the bar. From the corner of his eye he saw that Lily had two shots lined up for herself. Well that can't be good, she had the capacity of a Toddler.
"Wow", she said clicking her tongue, feeling his eyes settle on her "since when have you two been going out?"
"It's been a while," James said cautiously. He could never get away with lying to her, but apparently the last five minutes had unhinged her.
"It took you four years to get me to say yes, I thought it'll be another decade before you'll manage to convince someone else." Lily regained her composure and took a shot.
"You forget that even for those four years the majority of the female population of Hogwarts was ready to snog me. Probably some of the blokes too." He said smirking at her and loving the annoyed expression on her face.
She downed one shot. "Hmm, it seems I was wrong about a lot of things. For example I thought you had good taste in music, in food, in people."
"Well obviously you wouldn't know, but Betty tastes really good." He winked at her, watching her choke on the second shot and then staring at him disbelievingly.
"One Bloody Mary please", he called out to the bartender. "And no more for this lady here," he mimiced Lily's statement and walked away.
_
"You love the band that's playing, you wouldn't miss them for the world
All our friends are coming out and if I know one thing, girl,
I know you're gonna be there
Gonna walk right by that table were you always like to sit
And when I run into you, it's gonna be an accident"
_
James handed over Betty her drink and then sat with her a while. Lily's reactions had definitely elated him. But it had been over half an hour and he hadn't seen her again.
She was probably back to avoiding him. The last time they had seen each other, he was having a mental meltdown and she was crying her eyes out. Remus and Sirius had to drag him from her front porch. She had avoided him since then. They were never a part of the same missions with the Order, their friends made separate plans with each of them, they never accidentally ran into each other at the common places. There was absolutely no contact. At first he thought it was merely his own damned luck, but it turned out she had chalked out her plans to ensure they would never see each other again.
A part of him was grateful to her for this. He didn't think he could bare to see her knowing that she possibly didn't want him any more.
"James?" Betty was waving a hand before him. She had been talking for the past ten minutes and he had lost himself in the trail of his thoughts. Wow, he was a horrible date.
"Sorry, I was just wondering which song they were playing," he quickly made up. He wanted to slap himself for the way he had been behaving with her, but he found that if he paid too much attention to what she said or did, he would quickly get irritated.
"Oh do you want to dance?" she squealed and jumped from her seat.
"Um - sure. But would you mind if we took a quick walk around the room first?"
"Huh?"
It was an odd request, he knew that. But if he hadn't seen Lily wandering around the place in the last forty five minutes, it could only mean two things - Either she was brooding to Sirius and Mar in some corner, or she was passed out somewhere. He could only hope it was the former and pray it was not the latter.
"Just want to see if I can spot some of the school teachers. It's been a while since I've seen them." He offered as an explanation. She bought it.
Lo - behold, he was right. "Ah Marlene, I've been looking everywhere for you" he called out, pretending he was unaware of Lily's seething form beside her.
"I thought you were looking for the teachers?" Betty said giving him a confused look.
"Yes, but I've been wanting to catch up with Marlene too." James said tightly.
"I'm glad you found some time to find me, James, otherwise you were risking the loss of your ability to procreate" Marlene snickered. "It's been almost an hour since you've been here and now you come to meet me?"
"Ah well Betty has been keeping me busy, just as I'm sure Sirius has been keeping you busy" James said enjoying the death stares Lily was shooting in their direction. Marlene rolled her eyes.
Unfortunately for him, Sirius decided to have some fun of his own. "Lilykins isn't this your favourite song? Do you want to dance?"
On any other instance she would have kicked him in the shins for calling her that name, instead she grinned at him and followed him to the dance floor.
Very well. Two can play this game. "Actually Mar, I have been a rather boring date for Betty. Would you mind if we catch up later, while I dance with her for sometime?"
Marlene shook her head knowing exactly what he was upto. But he knew she wouldn't be mad, she had always been rooting for him and Lily.
"Very well, Potter." She said taking his hand giving it a squeeze, purposefully digging her nails into his palm.
James winced at the pain and gave her a flying kiss, before walking a very perky Betty to the dance floor.
They began twisting and twirling to the upbeat songs. Betty was a good dancer, certainly more graceful than Lily. But she lacked energy. Lily on the other hand would laze around all day, but even James had a tough time keeping up with her on the dance floor. She and Sirius were buzzing and vibrant, attracting all the eyes to themselves, jumping and hopping to the beat, many people now hooting for them as if they were at a discotheque. She never quite cared for environment appropriate etiquette and did what she wanted to do.
He felt a smile crawl up his cheeks watching her be so carefree and laughing like.her larunx would burst. His neurons had reflexively begun to mess with his head. If he didnt do something quickly, he'd probably spend the rest of the night staring at her.
He couldn't possibly abandon Betty again, so he half danced and half dragged her close to the make-shift stage where the band was performing and quickly whispered something to one of the singers before making his way back to the center. The songs transitioned to slower and more mellow tracks.
Everyone around them began coupling up. James saw Lily put her hand Sirius' shoulder and he immediately put his own on Betty's waist. Betty moved in closer and he saw Lily notice them over her shoulder.
He pretended he was paying close attention to all that Betty was saying, and every now and then spun her around.
He then whispered something in Betty's ear, something as trivial as asking her if she was having fun. But he supplemented it with his trademark smirk making sure Lily's brain popped with question marks.
The next thing he saw made him want to jump and shout and broke his heart all in one go. Lily moved closer to Sirius and rested her head against his chest. Sirius looked down and gave her an odd look before looking horrified. His hand moved to her cheek and James realized he was wiping off a tear that had traitorously slipped out of her eye and drenched her face on defeat.
She still missed him. Possibly still loved him. And he was causing her pain by pretending that he was done with her.
Sirius looked up and caught James eyes. He looked guilty, afterall this had been his plan all along. James mouthed to him to switch partners and Sirius nodded understanding immediately.
James pulled away from Betty. "Hey, I think Sirius has been dying to have a dance with you. So is it - "
"Ofcourse James," she giggled. "Why would I mind if a hot bloke wants to dance with me?" James smiled with relief and took her leave.
Meanwhile he noticed that Sirius had not informed Lily of their plan to switch partners and had simply excused himself. She was making her way back to the tables, when James caught her hand and pulled her in.
_
"I'm gonna act like it ain't nothing, but another Friday night
And you're just some old friend and I'm doing just fine
Like I'm only going out to shake off another week
Maybe see the boys and catch a buzz somewhere
But I know you're gonna be there"
_
She gasped as soon as her emrald eyes met his hazel ones knowing fully well who he was without even looking at his face. They stood before each other, still as statues, before she found her voice, "Wha - What are you doing James?"
"I'm dancing with you." He said simply, wrapping his arms around her waist, imprisoning hers between the bodies and began moving slowly to the beat.
"What? Is Bint bored of you already?" She asked bitterly, noticing Sirius dancing with her.
"No" James said slowly, moving a bit so her hand could circle around his neck and then immediately pulling her back in. "I like dancing with everyone on parties. I have a dance saved for Marlene, then one each for Remus and Sirius as well. I'd dance with Peter too but he always stomps on my foot." He earned a small laugh from her.
"How has life been treating you, Evans?" he began conversationally, carefully keeping his tone casual.
"It's quite alright," she replied warily. "The Order has me running missions left right and center"
At that instant his eyes fell on an angry red scar running from behind her right ear to the nape of her neck. James hands fisted at the thought of her on missions on a regular basis, and he had to grit his teeth to stop himself from growling. "Me too," he managed to say in a hard voice.
"It's good the McKinnon's had this party, everybody needed the break," she murmured.
"Yeah, I've barely gotten time to meet anyone, off late." He said, mentally searching all of her visible skin for other scars or wounds. "Even this full moon, Sirius couldn't join us because he had to -
"- go to Albania" she finished for him.
Dumbledore had had his suspicions that Voldemort had been upto something in Albania. People from the order had been visiting Albania, hoping to find his whereabouts. These visits to Albania had also been the reason they had begun fighting. James had refused to let her go on a mission where her inquisitive nature was sure to lead her straight to Voldemort himself. They had argued for nights and with every passing day James had become more and more obsessed about protecting her.
To be fair, he wasn't the only one who had become paranoid. She felt guilty of endangering him merely by association. If they got married he would have the sword for blood-traitors hanging over his head. Yet here they were, separated from each other and still just in as much danger.
"It's nice to see all my friends, it's what all of this is for, right?" He said, filling in the silence.
"So we are friends now?"
"You tell me." He said giving into his temptation of tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ears and letting his fingers rest on her cheeks for a few seconds too long.
He had slowly steered them to a secluded space behind a pillar for a bit of privacy.
"We could never be friends, we've always either hated or loved each other" She said sadly, searching his eyes for some sign of closure.
"I never hated you", he said his voice burning with sincerity.
"Hate is a strong word," she reasoned, "but we didn't - "
"I've never felt anywhere close to that spectrum of emotions when it comes to you." He said, his voice low and deep. "And you haven't either." He gulped as he sounded more confident than he felt.
"But you don't seem to be feeling anything from the other side of the spectrum anymore either, do you?" she let out a humorless laugh.
He fisted the material of her dress and leaned in to rest his chin on her shoulder.
"Don't be daft, Evans."
"You're the one going out with that, Bint"
"When are you going stop calling her that? It's not that hard to include an 'L', you know?" He chuckled.
"If I recall correctly, you were the mastermind behind this nickname in sixth year" she grumbled.
"And you docked 10 points from Gryffindor because I called her that." he shot back.
"You're straying from the subject." she muttered. He noticed that she was being to careful about keeping a physical distance between them. He had pulled her in as close as he could, but she was still stiff in his arms.
"You don't have a comeback," he whispered in her ear.
"I don't exactly have my wits about me as of now" she gasped. James could see the goosebumps on her neck from his breaths.
He lifted one hand from her waist and stroked her neck, his fingers momentarily stopping at the scar, and lighlty tracing it. "Pity. Am I intoxicating you out of your wits?"
His lips were so close to her skin. He was playing with fire now. He didn't think he'll survive another separation after having her this close to him again. Even if she said no though, the excruciating pain would be worth having these few minutes with her.
_
"I'm gonna put on my new shirt
Shine up these old boots
Truth is when I see yah, I don't know what I'll do"
_
She clutched onto his shoulders, took a deep breath, pulled away a bit and looked up at him, steadying her gaze "Don't fool around James."
"Who said i'm fooling around? You're the one who has refused to see me all these days." He said annoyed at her defensiveness.
"Because I wanted to make the separation easier on both of us", she said trying to keep her voice down. "And I made the right decision, considering you're doing alright now."
"Don't be stupid Lily, I was lying. I'm not dating Betty Bint," he muttered agitatedly.
Lily stared at him, a hundred emotions flashing across her face in a second.
"Betty Blint." She whispered, correcting him.
And then they both started laughing.
"I've missed you, Lil" he confessed, "with every inch of my being." He took his chance and pressed his lips to her forehead. She didn't protest.
"In the spirit of confessions, I don't want to have this discussion right now because you're not wearning any Cologne and smelling all James-like. I can't trust what I say." she murmured resting her forehead on his shoulder.
"So will we have this discussion?" he asked hopefully, this time kissing her temple. Her breathing hitched.
"We should." Once again his lips were dangerously close to her neck. He lightly touched them to her ear. "We definitely should," she managed to heave out. "But sometime when you're mouth is at a safe distance from me." She pulled herself together and put a bit of a gap between them.
"That's fair," he muttered sheepishly.
"We still have a lot to sort out." she said looking forlorn.
"I'd rather fight you everyday than re-live the past year." he said looking straight into her eyes.
"I don't want us to fight" she said letting her hands entangle into his hair. "We need to talk and the conversation will not be entirely pretty."
James nodded in understanding. There was a lot of impending confrontation.
"But we are going to talk about this later?"
"Yes, later" she gulped, as she realized how close their faces were, again.
"What about now then?" he asked softly.
"James thank Merlin I found you." Both Lily and James jumped at the third voice of Peter Pettigrew. "Sirius wants me to tell you, that Marlene told him that Alice and Frank saw Remus and Betty making out in the coat room."
James looked at Peter bewildered by the information dumped on him and then at Lily who was grinning wildly at him, her eyes bigger and brighter.
"Now," she began, cupping his face in both her hands and making him look at her, "I don't have to feel guilty for doing this." She smashed her lips to his, silencing his questions and finally melting into his arms just like he had been longing for her to do since he'd seen her.
His senses became hyperaware, and yet he became oblivious to the world. He didnt know if Peter left or stood there to see them snogging each other. He didn't know if anyone could see them or hear them. All he could hear was her whimpers against his lips as his tongue traced the lining of her upperlip. All he could see was the curtain of her bright red hair, which he had pulled out from her bun. All he could feel was the way her soft hands ran through his hair, and her nose nuzzled against his. All he knew was that in that moment, even the idea of separation would kill them long before the war would.
There was still a lot to be said and a lot to be heard. But this time they wouldn't be scared and lost. This time they would know what loss feels like and they would be brave in their decisions. For now they were there, and nothing else mattered.