Author's Note: This story is close to my heart. I've dealt with self-harm and always hoped to find someone as supportive as Holly is in this story. Trigger warning for those who struggle with self-harm. If this will tempt you, please don't read. And know that there is hope. I am living proof. This is most likely only a one-shot. The title comes from a Missy Higgins song.
Gail stared at the box cutter on her coffee table. She couldn't stop imagining herself picking it up and using it to ease some of her pain. Her mind felt foggy and her eyes were red from the tears she had cried. A weight on her chest kept her from taking a proper breath. She felt as if she was swimming, or perhaps drowning, in a kind of liquid darkness. It enveloped her and all she wanted was just a few minutes of relief. The sadness she felt was palpable, like a living, breathing entity, wrapping her up and squeezing so tight that it was impossible to ignore. The anguish in her chest would cease with just one action; it had worked last year. But she knew that just like last year, the end result would be more shame.
A buzzing in her pocket caused her to avert her eyes from the object on the table. She welcomed any distraction that would give her a few more minutes of resistance. She looked down and saw her girlfriend's face on the screen. Holly had been working late, trying to process the evidence for a high profile case. In just a few seconds, a million thoughts raced through Gail's mind.
Should she answer? It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to her girlfriend. She always wanted to talk to Holly. She wanted to spend all of her time with Holly and not just because her presence made her forget about the sadness that was otherwise always with her. Being with Holly was fun and energizing. She felt like she was the best version of herself when in the company of the brunette. But if she answered the phone, Holly would know something was wrong. Gail couldn't hide it when her mind was this dark. It was as if the haze inside her mind shut down her ability to put up a façade. She wouldn't be able to change the tone of her voice or pepper jokes into their conversation. She wouldn't be able to hide her struggle and she wasn't sure if she was ready for Holly to know. They had only been dating for four months and while she knew Holly cared for her deeply, she wasn't sure if thrusting this burden on her girlfriend would cause her to second guess her investment in their relationship.
Despite her reluctance, the need to alleviate some of the urgency she felt to pick up the sharp object overshadowed her desire to keep Holly in the dark about the inner workings of her mind.
"Hello?" Gail said. Perhaps if she spoke in short sentences, Holly would just think she was tired.
"Hey there, beautiful. How are you? I missed you tonight." Holly answered in a slightly weary, but still upbeat voice.
"I missed you too." Gail replied. She knew she was giving herself away, but her ability to carry on a normal conversation was severely impaired at the moment.
Holly noticed right away. "Are you ok? You sound a little down."
"Um, I'm ok. Just sitting here." What was she even saying? She felt like she was having to slog through a mountain of mud to extract every word, making her responses slow and awkward.
"Honey, you don't sound ok. Tell me what's going on." The concern in Holly's voice caused tears to spring to Gail's eyes.
"Um…I'm…I don't know how to talk about it." She stumbled over her words.
Holly wasn't sure what was happening. Sure, Gail had mood swings from time to time. Sometimes she was grumpy, especially when tired or hungry. She closed herself off when she felt vulnerable, responding with sarcasm and sometimes even venom. But this was different. Holly had never heard Gail sound like this – so sad and defeated. Had something happened to Gail at work? Had her parents expressed some new disappointment? By the sound of Gail's voice and the strange way she was responding without really giving anything away, Holly knew whatever had happened was a big deal and she wanted to help however she could.
"Do you want me to come over?" She asked.
Gail felt a glimmer of hope. She did want Holly to come over. She wanted to tell her everything. She wanted Holly to hold her and tell her things would get better. But more than she wanted that, she wanted to keep her burdens from sending Holly running for the hills.
"You don't have to do that. I'll get over it eventually. Maybe." Gail cursed herself for tacking on the last part. But maybe Holly wouldn't pick up on the opening Gail had created with that one word. Maybe she would just assume that Gail was tired and promise to call her tomorrow.
But Holly felt it. She felt that something wasn't right and there was no way she was going home without seeing her girlfriend. She quickly turned on her turn signal so she could drive to Gail's apartment. "Yeah, I'm going to come over."
Gail offered a weak argument. "You don't…you're probably tired. It's late." But her heart wasn't in it and Holly could tell.
"I'm coming over, Gail. I'll be there in a few minutes." Holly's response was firm, making it clear there was no use arguing. But Gail hardly had any fight left in her and whatever she did have was being employed to prevent herself from picking up the box cutter. The two women ended the call and Gail resumed her stare down with the offending object.
Part of Gail was overjoyed that Holly was coming over. She felt a thrill at the thought of not being alone with her thoughts. But another part of her felt sick with anxiety. She hadn't ever told anyone about this particular struggle. She had never even considered sharing this secret with Chris or Nick or even her brother. It had always been her own private pain, a dark obsession to keep to herself. So the idea of revealing this part of herself to another person, a person she respected and whose approval she coveted? It made her nauseous.
Gail was once again brought out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. She took as deep a breath as the gloom would allow and rose to answer it. She opened the door, but didn't stand in the entrance. Instead, she used the door as a shield, only her downcast face visible to the person standing on the other side. Holly stepped inside and waited for Gail to close the door and turn around.
Holly studied Gail's face and demeanor. The blonde wasn't carrying herself with her normal confidence. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes were pointed at her hands which she was rubbing together anxiously. She moved forward and put her hands on Gail's arms. "Hey."
When Gail looked up, Holly saw the red rim around her eyes and the downward set of her mouth. The look on the blonde's face drove Holly to wrap her arms around the woman. Gail reciprocated, bringing her arms around Holly's lower back. After a few seconds, the warmth and comfort of the embrace caused Gail to turn her face so she could bury it in Holly's neck. Holly squeezed her girlfriend tighter and brought one hand up to caress the back of Gail's neck. Neither woman spoke for what felt like an eternity. Holly allowed her presence and touch to say everything she needed.
After a couple of minutes, the emotions Gail had been struggling with all evening bubbled to the surface. She felt the sob rise in her chest, but she could do nothing to keep it from erupting. Tears spilled out and she clutched at the material of the brunette's shirt. Holly was momentarily startled when she felt the woman in her arms start to shake. It was only when she heard the gasps and whimpers that she realized Gail was crying. The worry that Holly had felt when she first heard her girlfriend's voice on the phone only intensified with this physical display of distress. Gail was not a crier. Holly had only seen her cry once, on the day of the Ford shootings. And even then, only a few tears had actually made their way onto Gail's cheeks. But now, Holly could feel a wet spot beginning to develop on her chest. She needed to know what was happening and what had upset her girlfriend so deeply so she leaned away slightly to try to look into the blonde's face.
"Honey, what's wrong? Did something happen?" She asked as she smoothed the hair at Gail's temple with her fingers.
Gail shook her head and continued to wail. Now that the dam had burst, she could not put a stopper on it. The gentle way that Holly was holding her had been her undoing.
"Ok, sweetie, let's at least move to the couch." Holly worried that Gail's uncontrolled breathing would descend into hyperventilation. If that happened, she wanted the blonde to at least be sitting so as not to faint.
Holly shifted her weight to encourage the blonde to move with her toward the couch. Gail removed her face from Holly's neck and turned toward the sofa. The force of her sobs had not lessened so that Gail hunched over and stumbled as she tried to walk. Holly quickly wrapped her arm around Gail's waist to help support her as she crossed the room. Gail was the first to sit, burying her face in her hands as she continued to cry. Holly sat next to her and put her hand on the blonde's back. Without warning, Gail turned and pushed her face into Holly's chest, the force causing Holly to fall back into the couch.
The brunette rubbed her hands up and down Gail's back as she tried to decide whether she should coax the woman to talk or just let her cry it out. In the end, her anxiety won out and she began to speak softly into Gail's ear.
"Sweetheart, why don't you try taking some deep breaths? I'm afraid you're going to start hyperventilating and I need that to not happen, ok? Just concentrate on my voice. Everything is going to be ok. Whatever happened, I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. You can tell me anything, honey. Just try to calm down a little so you can talk to me because I'm starting to panic a little."
Gail attempted to follow Holly's directions. She concentrated on breathing in and out, still choking on her sobs from time to time. A few minutes later, she was only crying slightly and hiccupping every so often. When she could finally breathe normally, Gail felt ashamed and embarrassed that Holly had seen her in such a state. She leaned away from Holly and put her head back in her hands. "I'm…I'm sorry."
Holly moved so that she could put her hand on Gail's back again. "Honey, you don't need to apologize."
Gail shook her head. "No…I shouldn't…you don't need this."
"Ok, Gail? I don't know what's going on, but I'm here with you. I want to help you with whatever is happening. Please talk to me." Holly pleaded.
Gail lowered her hands to rub her thighs, her face pointed toward her feet. "I'm messed up, Holly."
Holly wasn't surprised by this admission. She knew that while Gail was very confident in some areas, like her appearance, she had deep insecurities in others. "We are all messed up."
Gail shook her head. "No, I mean, I'm really messed up. I'm broken."
Holly grabbed Gail's cheek and pulled it so they were facing each other. "Hey, that's not true. Don't say that."
Gail's furrowed her brow. "You would agree if you knew everything."
"Gail, I am never going to agree that you are broken. Please, just tell me what's going on." Holly said.
Gail turned her face back to her hands, which she had started to rub together again nervously. "I have a secret that I haven't ever told anyone. Something that I'm…ashamed of. Something scary and weird and messed up." She said in a very quiet and reluctant voice.
Holly was trying to work out in her mind what Gail could be hiding. "Honey, you can tell me."
She pondered this. The thought of sharing her burden with someone made her feel terrified and giddy at the same time. Holly is the only person she had ever trusted this much, but she was also the person she felt the most scared of losing.
"I'm afraid you won't want to be with me if I tell you." Gail whispered.
Holly scooted closer to Gail and took one of her hands in her own. If only Gail knew the depth of her feelings, she would understand that there was very little that Gail could do to drive her away. She wanted to confess how deeply she cared for the woman, but she wasn't sure now was the right time. "I'm not going anywhere, Gail."
Gail took a deep breath and decided to take the plunge. At this point, there was really no other choice. Holly had already seen her break down. The decision had been made as soon as she had opened the door.
"Um…ok…so today is…um…today is the day Jerry died." Gail stammered.
Holly's heart sunk. How did she not know that? "Honey, why didn't you tell me? I could have taken off to be with you."
"Because…I'm not fun to be with on this day. I didn't want you to see me like this." Gail said.
"You don't always have to be fun. If you're sad or having a hard time, I want you to tell me. That's what I'm here for. I want to be here for you when you need someone." Holly said reassuringly.
"I just…last year…I didn't handle it well." Gail closed her eyes at the memory.
"Well that's understandable. I can't even imagine how hard it must be." Holly hesitated, but decided to press for details to show that she wasn't afraid of the things Gail had done. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Well, it looked a lot like this. Me sitting on the couch crying. Only I was alone and I gave in to temptation." Gail could hardly believe she was admitting this.
"What temptation?" Holly asked innocently.
Gail started rubbing her thigh with her free hand, her eyes watching the motion. "Um…so…when I'm really upset, I feel like this sadness settles in my chest and I can't think about anything else. I can't feel any other emotion and no matter what I do, I can't make it stop. I've felt that way since high school, which is when I started…um…I figured out a way to just get a few minutes of relief."
Holly didn't say anything, not wanting to interrupt her girlfriend's confession, but she squeezed her hand to encourage her to continue.
Gail's heart was pounding and she felt like she might be sick, but she willed herself to continue. "I uh…sometimes I cut myself. Usually on the back of my hands. I know I shouldn't and I try not to, but sometimes the urge is just really intense because when I feel that sad, I just want to feel something else for even a couple of minutes. And when I…um…cut…the pain makes me not feel sad just for a little bit."
Holly worked really hard not to react. She didn't want Gail to think she was freaked out or afraid. She ran her thumb over the back of Gail's hand to let her know she was listening and still with her.
"So I um…last year on this day, I was really upset and so I cut myself a few times so I would feel better. But then I felt really ashamed because I always feel ashamed afterward. And I haven't done it since then, but today was just hard. And so when you called I was thinking about it." Gail lifted her eyes to look at the box cutter on the table.
Holly followed Gail's eyes to the object on the table and she felt a wave of horror wash over her. Not because she thought Gail was sick or broken, but because she couldn't imagine how terrible it must be to feel so sad that physical pain was an improvement. The sight of the old box cutter also caused the doctor in her to consider the risk Gail took of contracting tetanus or an infection each time she cut herself.
Gail was feeling nervous. She had just spilled her deepest, darkest secret and while Holly hadn't run or dropped her hand, she also hadn't said anything. Gail decided to just say out loud what she thought Holly might be feeling. "So it's ok, if you're freaked out. I know it's really messed up."
Holly squeezed Gail's hand again. "Honey, I am not freaked out. And I don't think you're broken and you haven't scared me away. I feel sad and worried because I don't want you to hurt yourself. But I don't think you're weird or crazy. I'm really grateful that you trusted me with this secret because I am sure it must have been really difficult to share. But I'm really glad you told me."
The blonde turned to look Holly in the eyes. The mixture of shock and hope on Gail's face broke Holly's heart again. "Really?" Gail asked.
"Of course, sweetheart. I'm so glad you told me because I want to be able to help you. I want you to be able to call me when you feel this way."
Holly wanted to say that she couldn't believe Gail hadn't called her earlier in the day, when she first started to feel this way. She wanted to be angry that Gail would rather sit and consider cutting herself than believe that Holly was a trustworthy confidant. But this wasn't about Holly and making Gail feel guilty about how she had dealt with her sadness was a surefire way to lose her trust. And she knew that Gail not telling her until now did not reflect on their relationship or Gail's confidence in her. Gail's reluctance to share her secret before now was due to her own feelings of shame.
Now that the secret was out and Holly was standing by her, Gail wanted to get everything out. She wasn't sure when she would feel this open to talking so she wanted Holly to have all the information she wanted right now. "So…do you have any questions? It's ok if you want to ask me about it."
Holly thought for a minute, considering whether it was wise to delve into the details. But she trusted that Gail wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to keep talking about it. "I do have a couple of questions. Have you ever cut yourself anywhere other than your hands? And was your intention ever to do permanent harm to yourself?"
Gail knew what Holly was implying, but she asked for clarification to give herself more time to formulate a response. "Are you asking if I've ever tried to commit suicide? Like by cutting my wrists?"
Holly bit her lip and held her breath. She hoped she hadn't offended Gail, but she also needed to know the answer. "Yes."
"I can't say I haven't ever thought about it, especially right after Jerry died. But I have never tried to kill myself and when I cut, it isn't ever with that in mind. The best way I could describe it would be to call it a coping mechanism, sort of like drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes."
Holly breathed a sigh of relief. Not that Gail cutting herself was comforting, but the thought of Gail taking her own life or even thinking about it – well Holly didn't even want to consider it. "Ok, I'm really glad to hear that. Have you ever hurt yourself badly? Like have you ever needed stitches?"
Gail winced. She didn't want to answer, but knew she could trust Holly. "Yes. Only once. Right after Jerry died. Three stitches because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding." Gail looked away, feeling embarrassed.
Holly ran her hand in circles over Gail's back. "Hey, it's ok. I'm still not freaked out, ok?"
Gail nodded and turned back toward Holly.
"Has anyone ever noticed the cuts?" Holly asked.
Gail shook her head. "No one noticed when I was in high school, which isn't shocking. My parents weren't exactly attentive. Traci asked me about the stitches because she visited me in the hospital after I was…um, kidnapped. I guess she remembered I didn't have them then but I just brushed it off and she didn't press me."
Holly nodded. "You said you haven't done it since last year, but have you wanted to cut between then and now?"
Gail blushed. "I want to do it a lot. Pretty much any time I'm upset or sad. But usually the urge isn't overwhelming. I have certain triggers that make the urge stronger."
"Would you tell me what they are?" Holly asked tentatively.
"Um, seeing any kind of self-harm on TV or movies. Looking at certain sharp objects when I'm in a particular mood. And if I let myself think about how it feels to do it, even if I'm not upset, that will make me want to do it." Gail said.
Holly nodded. "Ok so how can I help you not to do it when you feel like you want to."
"Holly, I can't…I don't want to promise that I'll never do it again. Because I will want to keep that promise but if I can't keep it…" Gail closed her eyes.
Holly interrupted. "Ok. I'm not going to make you promise. I don't want you to feel pressured and if it does happen, I don't want you to feel too guilty to tell me about it. But I do want to be clear that I don't want you to cut yourself because I care about you and I don't want you to hurt yourself. And I want to do whatever I can to help you."
Gail turned to look back at Holly. She had tears in her eyes and she smiled slightly. "Thank you. That really means a lot to me." She took a deep breath and let it out. "To tell the truth, I don't know what will help. I mean usually I just distract myself with something else until the urge passes. Being around certain people helps. It's when I'm alone with my thoughts that things are the worst."
Holly nodded, sympathy engraved on her face. "Ok, so what if you just call me or text me if you want to do it? I can talk to you until you feel better or if I can, I'll come over and keep you company."
"I will try my best. I think it will be hard to talk about sometimes, but I will try." Gail replied truthfully.
Holly nodded and then hesitated before asking the next question on her mind. "Have you ever tried talking to a therapist about this? I don't want you to think I don't want to talk about it. You can always talk to me about it. Anytime you want. But a therapist might have some good techniques you could use when you feel tempted." Holly said nervously. She didn't want Gail to feel like she was handing her off for someone else to deal with, but she also knew that an expert opinion could be helpful.
"I've been to therapists before and to be honest, I didn't get anything out of them. I haven't ever talked to a therapist about this specifically, but I did go for a while after Jerry. It usually felt like a waste of time." Gail said.
"Ok, well I'm not going to force you to go. But will you think about it? I could ask some of my doctor friends for a good referral and if you want me to come with you, I will. And if you go and you hate it, then you don't have to go back. I'm always going to be here, but sometimes specialists know things that I won't know to say or ask you. Again, I'm not pressuring you. If you think about it and you decide you don't want to, I won't think any less of you."
"Ok, I'll think about it." Gail conceded.
Holly nodded. "Ok. Thank you." Holly paused. "Has it…I don't want this to sound bad…but have you felt tempted when you were with me?"
"Not really, no. I think because I don't ever feel consumed by sadness when I'm with you. I feel lighter when you're around." Gail replied bashfully.
Holly smiled. "I'm so glad you feel that way. I want to be that for you. I feel so happy when I'm with you, even if I've had the worst day." Holly looked back at the coffee table. "So do you still feel the urge to cut right now?"
Gail continued to look at Holly's face. "No, not particularly. But if I look at the box cutter I will because I've used it before so it has connotations in my mind."
Holly looked back at Gail. "Is it ok, if I get rid of it?"
Gail hesitated, but eventually nodded.
Holly immediately stood and picked up the box cutter. She walked to the back door, went outside and put the object in a nearby dumpster. She didn't want to just hide it in a drawer for Gail to stumble upon later. She wanted it out of Gail's sight forever. She knew she couldn't shield Gail completely, but anything she could do, she would.
When she came back in the apartment, Gail was still sitting on the couch, but with her head resting on the back of it, her eyes closed. Holly walked back around and sat down next to Gail. She wasn't touching her, but was within reach in case Gail wanted to reach out.
"How are you feeling now? Is there anything else you need to talk about?" Holly asked softly.
Without looking up or moving her head, Gail reached out for Holly's hand. When the brunette took it, Gail sighed. "I feel better. Less like the darkness is going to smother me." Holly squeezed her hand and Gail looked up. "You don't have to stay. I'm sure you're exhausted and want to get some sleep. I'll be ok."
"I'd really like to stay if that's ok? It's not that I don't trust that you're ok, but I don't want you to be alone tonight and truthfully, it will make me feel better. I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I leave. I just want to be here if you need anything. But we don't have to talk about anything. We can just go to bed or watch a movie or whatever we would normally do. I'm feeling a little clingy." Holly said shyly.
Gail nodded and moved to get up from the couch. She was glad her girlfriend was going to stay. Even though she was feeling much better, she knew that Holly's presence would make it easier to stay that way. When she got to the stairs, she stopped and turned around, grabbing Holly's shoulders. The brunette looked back with a questioning look.
"Holly. Thank you for listening and for not freaking out. I honestly can't believe I told you that, but I don't regret it and that's saying a lot. Thank you for supporting me and for not pressuring me." Gail's eyes were so earnest that Holly's own began to water.
"You're welcome. I meant everything I said. I'm not freaked out and I want to be here for you. I'm not going anywhere." Holly pulled Gail in for a hug, remembering how just a short while ago, the blonde was sobbing uncontrollably. The thought made her squeeze her girlfriend a bit tighter.
Gail leaned back and bit her lip. She wasn't sure if this was the right time, but she couldn't keep it in any longer. Holly had seen all of her laid bare, every dark and twisted part of her, and she was still here. "Holly…I love you."
The confession made Holly's eyes water even more, a single tear slipping down her cheek. "Oh honey, I love you too. So much. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I wasn't sure it was an appropriate time considering what we were talking about. But I do, love you. Please let me help you carry this burden."
Gail nodded and brought her lips to Holly's. The kiss wasn't long, but it was tender. She pulled away and turned back toward the stairs, pulling Holly's hand with her. "Come on, Lunchbox. Let's get some sleep."
Over the next days and weeks, Gail did her best to contact Holly when she felt the urge to cut. It wasn't often as the women spent most of their free time together and Gail rarely felt the urge to cut when she was with Holly. Three weeks after Gail had told Holly her secret, Gail had to attend a family dinner alone. Holly was covering a graveyard shift on the weekend due to an outbreak of the flu that had hit the lab pretty hard and Steve was unable to make it because of a case. Elaine, who kept her jabs to a minimum when guests or even Steve were present, was in rare form. She took every opportunity to insult Gail's looks, intelligence, ambition and skill as a police officer. The only thing she didn't fault was Gail's choice in girlfriend. Holly was a doctor after all. But she did question why someone like Holly would fall for someone like Gail. And Bill hadn't once said a word to defend his only daughter.
When Gail finally left, she felt despondent. She considered calling Holly, but she didn't want to bother her and if she was being honest, part of her felt so terrible about herself that she thought she deserved to be alone. Shortly after she got home, she felt her phone buzz with a text message from Holly.
Lunchbox: How was dinner? Did she at least serve something without tomatoes in it this time?
Cop: It wasn't good.
Lunchbox: What happened? Are you ok?
Cop: My mom told me everything that's wrong with me. And not really.
Shortly after she sent the last message, her phone rang. Gail hesitated, but decided to answer because otherwise Holly would worry.
"Hey." Gail said sadly.
"Hi, honey. Do you need to talk about it?" Holly asked as she walked down the hall to her office for a little more privacy. Not that there were many employees in the building at this hour.
"Um, I don't really know what to say. My mom pretty much thinks I'm a failure at everything." Gail's voice shook.
"Sweetheart. You are not a failure. And your mother can go to hell as far as I'm concerned." Holly growled.
Gail replied through tears. "Yeah." She was silent for a moment. "I don't know if I'm up for talking."
Holly scrunched up her face with worry. "I really don't want to end the call with you this upset. Can you…are you feeling tempted to cut?" Holly had taken to asking if Gail didn't mention it, but only when Gail seemed very upset, which before today had only been twice. Gail had said she didn't mind being asked as long as it wasn't every single time she expressed a negative emotion.
Gail's face flushed and she squeezed her eyes shut. Even though she didn't mind Holly asking, she still hated to answer. "Yeah, kind of."
"What's the number?" This was another question Holly had taken to asking when they were discussing Gail's desire to cut. The first time it had come up, Holly had asked her to rate her desire on a scale from one to ten. From then on, she used the rating to help her gauge Gail's level of distress and thus what Holly's response should be. Gail had never answered with a number higher than four.
"Um…nine." Gail choked out.
Holly's blood ran cold and she sucked in a breath. "I'm coming over right now. I will take my dinner break early. Let's just keep talking until I get there, ok?" Gail could hear the concern in Holly's voice.
"It's not a big deal. You don't have to…" Gail started.
"Gail, I'm already walking to my car. I'm coming." Holly tried to think of something to distract the blonde. "Can you tell me about what you did earlier today?" Holly knew it was weak, but she was having trouble thinking of anything other than Gail being alone in her apartment.
Tears were now rolling down Gail's cheeks. "I can't…Holly…I'm sorry…"
"Gail, please don't hang up. Please just…stay on with me until I get there. Please. I'll talk, ok? You don't have to say anything." Holly waited for some response, but all she could hear was Gail sniffling.
Holly talked about her day and the cases she was working on. She drove much faster than she should have, but her usually safety-conscious mindset had taken a backseat to the panic in her chest. Gail hadn't spoken in nearly 10 minutes, but the call was still connected. When she arrived at Gail's apartment, Holly told Gail to open the door and then sprinted up three flights of stairs to get there. She waited anxiously for the door to open, finally hearing the lock click. She lowered the phone from her ear and held her breath until the door swung open.
Gail stood with her eyes pointed at the floor, but Holly could tell she was still crying. The brunette pushed inside and wrapped Gail in a hug. Gail put her face in Holly's neck and cried softly. She wasn't sobbing like she had when she had first shared her secret with Holly and the brunette was thankful for that. After only a couple of minutes, Gail leaned back and walked over to sit on the couch. Holly followed, glancing down at the coffee table as she sat. She was happy to see that the table was free of any sharp objects.
Gail took a deep breath and scooted into the side of the couch opposite Holly, her knees pulled up to her chest. "You didn't have to come."
Holly made a mental note about the distance Gail had placed between them. She gave the blonde a sympathetic look and said, "Yes I did, Gail."
Gail looked away from her and shrugged her shoulders. "It's not a big deal if I do it. I'm a screw up anyway."
Holly shook her head and steeled herself against the anxiety she felt. "I know you're upset about what you're mom said. But you aren't a screw up and I don't like it when you talk about yourself like that. And I know that it doesn't feel like it, but it would be a big deal if you cut yourself. It would be a big deal to me."
"Well if you don't like the things I'm saying, you don't have to stay." Gail said defensively.
Holly tried not to take Gail's biting words personally. "Gail, I know you're hurting, but I'm not the enemy here."
Gail looked down when she realized what a jerk she was being. She was taking her pain out on Holly who had left early just so she could come sit with her. "I'm sorry. God, I'm really sorry, Holly. You don't deserve that." She brought her hand up to cover her face.
Holly watched the guilt take over her girlfriend's face. But she wanted to comfort Gail, not make her feel worse. "Is it ok if I sit closer?" Holly was an affectionate person and she hated feeling like she had to ask to touch Gail when she was so clearly struggling.
"Yeah." Gail said without looking up from her hands.
Holly moved so that her side was pressed into Gail's legs, which she was still hugging to her chest. Holly took the hand that was covering Gail's face and held it with both of her own. "Will you talk to me? I'm here for you."
Gail sighed sadly. "My mother thinks I'm a huge disappointment. She told me my haircut makes me look like a boy and that I had clearly gained weight. She said I was letting down the family name because I'm still a beat cop. She said I didn't deserve you because you are obviously brilliant and ambitious."
"Oh honey." Holly couldn't take it anymore. She pulled Gail so that her head lay against her chest. "Your mother is an idiot." Gail chuckled a little at that. "I mean it. You are beautiful. Your haircut makes you look nothing like a boy. I know this because on the spectrum of sexuality, I am a gold star lesbian. No part of me wants to do the things to a boy that I did to you just last night. And as someone who has inspected every inch of your body, I can firmly state that it is so incredibly sexy and perfectly proportioned. As for letting down the family name? From what I understand, Pecks are raised to serve and protect the people of this city, which you do every single day no matter what kind of danger it puts you in. And finally, no one decides what I deserve besides me and trust me when I say you are everything I have ever wanted and needed. You make me feel special and loved and I can't imagine what I would do without you."
Gail smirked and mumbled into Holly's chest. "You really do use a lot of words, nerd."
Holly laughed and shook her head. "I could talk about all the reasons I love you all day long, Gail Peck."
Gail smiled at Holly's sentiment. She still felt a flutter in her chest every time Holly said it. She leaned away to look in Holly's face. "You're on your dinner break, which means you need food before you go back." Gail moved to get up, but Holly pulled her back in.
"Wait. Are you feeling better? Are you going to be ok when I go back to work?" Holly wanted to make sure that Gail wasn't just stuffing her emotion down only to have it resurface when she was alone.
Gail looked Holly in the eyes so she would see that she was sincere. "Yes, Lunchbox. I'm ok."
"What's the number now?" Holly asked quietly.
Gail pondered for a moment. "A two."
Holly puffed out a sigh of relief, feeling some of the tension leave her body. "I'm really glad to hear that, love."
"I'm sorry you were freaked out, Holly." Gail said seriously.
Holly quickly shook her head. "I wasn't freaked out. Not like you think. I was just worried. I don't like the thought of you hurting yourself."
Gail nodded. "I know." She allowed herself to be pulled into one more hug, knowing that this one was for Holly's comfort and not her own.
When she pulled away, she made her way to the kitchen, yelling, "Lunchbox, I'm sorry to tell you that I don't have nearly as much green rabbit food as I know you like so it's gonna be leftover Chinese for you."
Holly laughed, allowing the rest of her worry to melt away at the sight of Gail's smile.