Howdy peoples, it has been a while since I wrote, hasn't it? Anyway, if you didn't hear about my other story, Dissociative Identity Disorder, is on permanent hiatus. I will salvage several of the ideas from it for another piece, but not this one, sorry.
Note: This contains crack, singing, and several references to children's TV shows. You were warned.
I own jack shit. Literally, I have a contract signed in his blood that confirms it.
Break
Deidara progressed through the hallways of the Akatsuki headcounters, his cloak pillowing behind him, mission scroll in hand. It is important to differentiate him progressing with him walking. The first is him moving with a sense of power, giving off an aura of superiority. The second is him just going around like some everyday shmuck. Usually, one can't progress everywhere, as it makes you look really stupid after a while. In this circumstance, that of carrying a mission scroll, it was allowed, for your actions could be explained by the gravity of the situation. Arriving at his destination, Deidara tried to preemptively calm himself down, taking several deep breathes. Hoping it would be enough, he opened the door. He was greeted by the sound of high pitched voices from a TV and one actual greeting from a real person.
"Hiya Senpai! Wanna watch Lucky Star with me? It's the last episode! I'm so excited!" Deidara ignored his partner, Tobi, who was almost literally jumping up and down in his seat out of joy. Instead of joining him, however, Deidara walked up and got between Tobi and the TV.
"Tobi, stop watching this crap, we have a mission. Yeah." It is generally considered impossible to give someone the puppy-dog eyes while you have a mask on, but Tobi managed it. In response, Deidara threw the mission scroll at him. It bounced off of his mask and onto the floor.
"Come on Deidara! It's the last episode! They do the cool dance! Have a heart! Or, if you don't have one, take one from Kakuzu, he has to have some spares." With that, Tobi picked up Deidara, and placed him upside-down behind his chair. "Anyway, if you want me to come out to any mission, you know what you have to do."
Deidara did know what he would have to do, but he would be damned to hell if he didn't try not to have to do it. "I don't know what you are talking about. Yeah."
"You said that last time Senpai." Tobi said, still sitting in his comfy chair.
"If you don't come out this instance I'll blow you up! Yeah!" Deidara took out a clay bird and hung it over of one of his hand-mouths. Tobi waved a hand at him.
"You tried that the time before, remember?" Deidara did remember. He had blown up the whole damn room and at the end there was Tobi, in his chair, watching TV, while all around his the remains of the room fluttered to the ground.
"…Fine. I'll do it. Yeah." Tobi didn't do anything, so Deidara sighed and did what he knew he needed to do. Gathering all of the fake enthusiasm he could muster, Deidara shouted out, "Guess what? It's mission time!" He quickly tried to make a break for the door, but just like all the other times, it slammed shut. Deidara looked back towards Tobi just in time to see him vibrate, before he jumped backwards off of his chair and start to sing and dance.
"It is Mission time!
Yes! Come on GO!
TTOOBBII!
(When we work together it's much better)
My senpai!
(We capture bijus for the leader)
(Pein is cool)
If he gives us orders we will follow
(Tobi Time!)
Akatsuki's big adventures
We've got a mission
Time to leave our cool clubhouse!
We must hide our presence,
Just be quiet as a mouse!
Watch out for those ninjas,
Avoiding battle is the best I think,
But If we work against them
We can make her plans sink!
Wwwoooooooo
(Tobi Time!)
Zetsu, Itachi, Kisame, Deidara
(My best friends)
Pein, Konan, Hiden, Kakuzu
(My teammates!)
Silly, cool, awesome, fun!
(Tobi Time!)
Sweet Ninjas with adventures
"xcuse me while I dance, gotta shake my thing!
Heeeeeeeee!"
(Tobi Time!)
Tobi is here to help you
(Tobi Time!)
Akatsuki is for you
Tobi Time!!1
Deidara stopped covering his ears, a semi-erotic if slightly painful habit since his hand-mouths nibbled on his ears. Either way, it was worth it to avoid his song. "Ok, you got to sing your song, now let's go! Yeah!" Tobi once again, even through his mask, gave the impression of an expression (try saying that 5 times fast), this time smiling.
"No." With that, he flipped back over his chair and continued watching the TV. To say the least, Deidara was displeased. In fact, he was so displeased he took a page from Hiden's book.
"What the ing he Tobi! I sang the ng song, I let you do the ed up dance, why the crap aren't you coming!" Deidara was so pissed he forgot the "yeah."
"Cause it is the last episode! You never deny the last episode! It is a matter of honor." Tobi wiggled deeper into his chair, getting into a more comfortable position.
Deidara saw red. "I'm going to kill this little bi! I am going to shove my clay into his mn mouth and watch him explode! I'm gonna…sigh, settle down Deidara. Settle down. Yeah." Deidara took several deep breaths, counting to ten in his head before answering.
"Well you know what you little piece of crap! If you wanna wait, you better do the mission alone! Then, when you fail, the leader will boot you out so fast you will break the sound barrier! Yeah!" With that Deidara opened and slammed the door shut, causing several cracks in it. Tobi, paying no heed, continued to watch his show.
Break
Apparently Deidara needed something like one-hundred deep breaths.
"He is just so damn annoying! I mean, Sasori and me were art buddies, and while we differed on taste, we both agreed on a few aspects. But this guy, this, this, KID, thinks that some stupid lolicon anime is art!2 I just wanna, wanna, grrrrrr! Yeah…" Kisame patted Deidara on the back as he took a deep pull at his bottle of beer.
Kisame felt for him, he really did. The two of them had become fast friends over their bitching at the leader about their partners. When the leader was gone, as he was now, the two would look out for each other in coping with these problems.
"There, there Deidara, I am sure you can kill him and make it look like an accident sometime, just wait." Deidara sniffed, and was about to answer when Itachi butted in.
"What is a lolicon?"
The two other ninjas stopped mid movement, both staring at each other. The Akatsuki tried to keep it as a well hidden fact, but no matter how you look at it, Itachi was an idiot. Not in killing, of course, but in about everything else. The reasoning the leader gave for this was that because Itachi had been a high-ranked ninja since he was practically in diapers, he had little or no grasp of concepts that didn't connect with shinobi life. Because of this problem, he often asked awkward questions to the other members, their leader, and occasionally to an enemy in the middle of combat. He still had no idea why they suddenly stopped moving when he asked, giving him an opening to kill them. Kisame, after trying to come up with a way to answer this question without going into, well, certain topics, finally spoke.
"Um…a lolicon is a person who enjoys singing, you know, like "Tra-la-la?" Kisame and Deidara both crossed their fingers, hoping he would buy it. Itachi seemed to think for a bit, and then nodded.
"I guess it makes sense. I wonder why people call Orochimaru one then. Have you guys ever heard him sing?" The two quickly shook their heads, and Itachi went back to his bowl of Oreos.
"Anyway, Kisame, I've tried killing him, but it never works! Every time I try and blow him up, or stab him, he just walks through it like I was squirting water at him!" Deidara paused as he felt an intense spike of killing intent from besides him. "Not that water isn't an effective weapon of course, I'd never suggest that!" The killing intent went away, and Deidara gave a sigh of relief.
"Well, if I was you, I'd just cool down a bit before going back to him. You know, make a clay city, blow it up, deep breaths, all that jazz."
"I think I'm gonna do just that Kisame. Thanks a bunch." Deidara got up and left the room, leaving the two alone. Kisame started to lean back in his chair, and was about to grab the newspaper when Itachi asked him another question.
"Hey Kisame, what does it mean when you start growing hair in odd places?"
Kisame paused, grabbed Deidara's half empty bottle of beer, then shot-gunned the rest of it before answering.
Break
It was at about that time that Tobi finished watching his anime, and got up, doing several over exaggerated stretches. Suddenly, several thoughts clicked in his head.
"No"
"you better do the mission alone!"
"So fast you will break the sound barrier!"
"Yeah!"
"Oh no!" Tobi slid back onto his chair. "My love of the silly antics of Konata and the others has gotten me booted out of the club! What will I do now!" So Tobi thought, and thought, and ate some chips, and thought some more. Then, an idea hit him.
"I know! If I do the mission, and I don't screw up, then Senpai will love me again!" Tobi jumped up and down several times, and then slumped back down. "Ah tootsie, he never told me what the mission was! Wait… Now that I think about it…"
"In response, Deidara threw the mission scroll at him."
"He did! Woot!" Tobi grabbed the scroll and gave it a once over, before putting it in his pocket and starting to look for what he would need.
First, he moved over to his desk, and opened it up, revealing an impressive collection of sharpie markers. Besides those sharpies, however, were two very good kunais. He pulled them out, and spun them around a few times. "Kunais, check."
Next, Tobi went to his dresser, and pulled out a spare pair of boxers with spirals on them. "Clothes, check!"
Tobi's third stop was the toilet, I don't think you want me to continue any more than I have.
His fourth stop was his closet, where he opened the door and put his hand forward, crying out. "Backpack, backpack! Backpack, backpack!"3 Suddenly, a red backpack with a face on it appeared.
"Hi Tobi, what's up today?"
"Important things Backpack! We have to capture a Biju by ourselves! It's the seven tailed Dragon." The backpack nodded, and Tobi put it on his back. "Backpack, check!"
"Only one more thing…Backpack, bring out Map!" Backpack looked hesitant, but then did so. Out of one of his pockets, a rolled up piece of paper flew out. It unrolled itself in front of Tobi, and then spoke.
"What do you want you masked freak? I was having a nice dream about two little Spanish speaking kids." Tobi's form crumpled, going down to half of its normal height.
"Why do you never do the other thing? You know, with the song, and the moving around, and the happy? Why don't you?"4 Map gave him an annoyed look, yes, it is possible for a map to be annoyed, and he answered.
"You stopped being a cute little kid, so what the hell did you call me for?" Tobi immediately brightened up.
"Well, I was hoping you'd help us find the seven tailed Dragon!" Map looked at him. Tobi looked at Map. They looked at each other. Then, the map answered
"Hell yah! Of course I'll tell you how to get there!"
"Wait, wha?" Toba was confused, even more so than normal.
"You mean you'll help me! That is so great! What changed your mind?"
The map smiled in an evil way, and answered. "The probability of death for this path mostly. Anyways, here you go." The map turned around, and suddenly, a map depicting Akatsuki's base and several other places appeared.
"First, you start out here, at the base." The base glowed yellow. "Next, you have to cross the Fing Huge Canyon." A large hole in the ground lit up in the same yellow color. "Then, you have to cross the forest of pain…" Before he could continue, Tobi interrupted.
"I didn't know Pein had a forest, you think he would tell us something like that." The map growled and hit him over the head.
"Pain you idiot, not Pein!" Seeing Tobi about to answer, the map cut him off. "Anyway, after all of that, you reach Sky Pillar, which is where the dragon lives. Happy?"
"Yeppo! Come on then, let's go!" Map flew into Backpack. "Map, check."
Tobi went to his mirror and posed dramatically. "I shall not return until the seven tailed Dragon is in my grasp! I swear it on my swirly whoosh whoosh mask!"
"Shut up and let's go! Your death is waiting for you." Map growled out of Backpack.
"Your right Map, it would be rude to keep him waiting!" With that, Tobi fled the fortress.
Break
Next Chapter:
"Itachi, I'm pregnant, and your the father!"
"The forest… OF PEIN!"
"Flying Nimbus!"
"I dunno, I never thought about using my hand-mouths for any kinky things like that…"
"Give me the antidote!"
"Naruto, I am your father!"
"I'm a good boy!"
"Sauske, come in and lay down with Oro-kun, I'm lonely."
"Hehehe, dance cow dance!"
Break
Yah, this was fun. If it was good for you too, then remember to keep reading, this will have 2 more chapters.
R&R if you want, if not I really don't mind.
1 This is a parody of the opening theme for Hamtaro. For the original version, check on You-tube.
2 I, as a person that has watched the show a few times, can back this up. The show has very little reason to be watched other than to see teenaged anime school girls. That and a cool theme song, but whatever.
3 Reference to Dora the explorer, where she must call out the same words for her backpack to come out and talk. Same with the next bit.
4 This is a reference to the "map song." It goes, "I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'M THE MAP!