Chapter One
It isn't often that she stumbles. At least, not around him anyway. She's the illustrious River Song, and he's her doctor. It is part of her nature that she beguiles him, keeps him constantly on his toes.
Never show him the damage. That's the number one rule that she's driven into herself over the years. Don't ever let him see how badly you're wounded.
And it's a guideline she's stuck to like glue. Almost as stringently as her 'Spoilers' rule. Though technically that wasn't just her rule.
But right now she can't breathe. Her insides are all twisted up and broken. A fragment of memory brought into sharp relief by some innocuous comment. A brief picture of a laughing face, a rich smell of vanilla as Amy leant in to share the joke. And the pain of their loss is new and fresh all over again.
The Doctor turns to her, his rambling speech abruptly halted and eyes sinfully deep. But she cannot process him right now. All that she can understand is that she's falling. And this time he cannot possibly catch her. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know what's lurking ahead.
He doesn't know about Manhattan.
She barely notices him reaching out. Instead she is trapped inside her head, staring at the other him. The one who had just lost them. the broken expression, the horrible painful noise that dropped from his lips and the way he curled around his knees like a giant five year old that's afraid of the dark. She remember wanting nothing more than to hold him through those moments. To offer comfort, to take him up on that desperate offer he gave her. But it hadn't been time yet. It wasn't her place to run alongside him in the Tardis. Not yet anyway. No matter how much she wanted to.
She feels like a statue. Unable to move, unable to speak, frozen right down to her core.
Suddenly his hands are on her face, framing her cheeks with warmth. His eyes filled with concern as he tried desperately to read what had happened in her eyes. She's brought hurtling back to the present, sucking in a sharp breath. It travelled through her, painfully inflating her lungs and making her heart beat, filling her skin with warmth again. Like Marble come to life.
His eyes pierce her, holding her where she was, "River? What is it?"
And that horrible old rule rears its ugly head and she tries to play everything off, pretend that she's okay.
"Nothing sweetie."
She purrs, the baritone thick and rich. But it was just a shade empty. The smile she gives him seems out of place. like it's painted on. And he can see right through it.
"River."
There's a hint of chastisement in his voice, as if he was calling her out on the fact she was lying to him.
"What happened River?"
She shrugs, "It's nothing. really."
Her mind screams at her, 'Hide the damage! hide the damage!'
His thumbs swipe under her eyes, and she is startled by how touching the gesture seemed. She wasn't crying, not yet, but it felt close.
"Please. Tell me."
He cajoles, his concern obvious. She wants nothing more than to sink into him, to sink into his warmth and forget everything else. to forget the dark days she'd experienced.
But she can't.
'Conceal. Don't feel. It would kill him to know.'
She cannot show him. Because that isn't who they are. that's not what they do. She is his comfort in an ever changing universe. The only one who can understand his pain. And only by being unharmed, appearing untouched by the things she's seen can she be that for him.
"Nothing Doctor, I'm alright."
She tries. And those wonderful eyes show the shard of sadness that cleaves him. A breaking in his hearts. Which is the last thing she ever wanted. Perhaps it is that which gives her the strength to smile at him, bringing her hands up to his, "now this takes me back."
Her tone is teasing. But it does not garner the same reaction as it usually does. To her surprise he pulls her closer so that his forehead can rest against hers. The gesture is a familiar one, and automatically her eyes fall closed.
"Oh my beautiful River."
His voice is soft, reverent. And it is that voice that almost breaks her. Her breath trembles and she fights so hard to keep herself composed.
"My wonderful brave River, I'm sorry."
He pulled back, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. His lips linger there for a moment before he returns his forehead to hers, and she wants to speak. But her witty tongue has failed her, she cannot utter a sound without fearing that doing so will break her apart in his arms.
Again his thumbs stroke across her cheeks, and he murmurs, "I am sorry that you feel like you have to hide this from me. That even though you can't tell me what has happened to you, that you cannot just seek comfort with me. I am so sorry for whatever I did to make you believe that was the only way."
His fingers tighten on her face, not painfully, but enough to make her aware of how much she's shaking. Her mind is screaming at her to hide this. to get herself back under control and pretend.
"My beautiful impossible wife. All the times we've danced together. All my firsts and your lasts."
He pulled back, prompting her to open her eyes, "I'm here. I'm here and I know you. let me help you."
She cannot stop it. The sincerity in his tone shatters whatever she was using to hold herself in check. Tears gathered like diamonds on her lashes. She manages to whisper to him, with some form of her old alluring tone, "Spoilers."
That pulled a laugh from him. but it was a sad laugh, "Then don't tell me. But let me be there for you. Just…tell me what you need."
Just this once, one day in a million days, she decides to be weak and lean into him.
"my doctor." she breathes.
"My river." And his tone is full of unspoken slightly possesive affection.
"Can you….just…"
She struggles to get the words out, everything in her screaming at her not to ask for help. But a faint smile touches his lips. He nods slowly, as if reading her mind, which she knows he can't. But damn it, sometimes he's just that good.
"Will you lie down with me River? For just a little while?"
And she wishes she could thank him. Wishes that she could express everything that those simple words meant to her. He'd given her the exit she needed.
All she can do is nod, a shade frantically, and with a smile he pulls her along.
Authors note: Hello again :D I hope you guys enjoy this new little story with me :D another chapter should be coming soon, as long as life doesnt interfere again :)
As always, please let me know what you think, all reviews are appreciated :D
Ta ta for now
~Madam Red