DISEASE
Summary Now that all the quests for the Pharaoh's lost memory is over, Ryou
ponders over his relationship with his other self. [ Ryou/Bakura, one-shot,
slight shounen-ai ]
Disclaimer Diss the claimer! Yu-Gi-Oh! is not mine; we all do know the
obvious changes (and implications) in the show if a shounen-ai fangirl
takes over, don't we? Now come on, you've read enough of these things...
Note My first -published- Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, as well as a shounen-ai one.
The title "disease" was meant to be a play-on-words of "decease". But of
course, you didn't need to know that. Anyhow, this takes place after the
whole Yu-Gi-Oh! saga.
+ + +
I got a disease deep inside me Makes me feel uneasy baby I can't live without you Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Be, be strong Keep telling myself That won't take long till I'm free of my disease
-Disease, MATCHBOX 20
+ + +
It scares me sometimes, other me.
Knowing that I could become evil. Knowing that there was a very high chance of me becoming everything I loathed and fought against. Knowing that in the very core of my being, there exists the capacity to kill. It scares me knowing that I could fall to that.
It scares me, also, because that part of me just wants to let go. Wants to become everything I resist, wants to get blood on my hands and not give a good damn about anyone but myself.
I know, other me, that you were there.
I'd worked hard to keep that part of myself -- that was you, other me, and it wasn't a very small part, mind you, and now I realize you were a totally different person -- suppressed. But you'd fight back constantly, wouldn't you? Every time I feel a thrill from defeating an opponent, there I felt you, pulsing in the back of my mind. Every time I throw an enemy to the ground, there I heard you, chuckling darkly.
Once, I let you get a-hold of me.
Remember the first time I'd willingly let you take over? That was when Yugi- san and Ryuuji-san were playing Dungeon Dice Monsters, with Yugi-san's Millennium Puzzle at stake. And on the way home, a drunk tried to hit on you, and you left him bloody and mutilated.
It was for a good cause, I'd convinced myself later then. I'd done it to ensure the safety of Yugi-san and myself, even if it meant letting you, the darkness, to run free. It'd felt good to do it, to let it out. Let the pure, unbridled viciousness run free and not have to hold it back. I'd sat back at the back of my mind, watching and laughing, radiant in my new-found freedom. Lost in the pure ecstasy of it all, lost in the glorious indulgence of my own dark desires.
Blood painted all over in a fascinating grunge-like way, with different shades: auburn at the edges, a deep claret here and there with painterly streaks of crimson dripping down the graffiti-covered alley. It was pretty.
I'd gradually started to become like you, other me.
And then I'd wrestled you down quickly enough, swallowing the bitterness of having to put myself back into the cage of righteousness with a spoon full of regret and a heavy dosage of denial. I didn't think that your evil, other me, was to be part of myself. You were an infected part of my soul. Eventually, the sickness would be gone like all diseases fade and my soul would be mend. I thought I'd be free of the taint.
I wanted to believe that at first, but really... Really, I knew that you would always be a part of me. My other self. You would never be eradicated from my soul.
I'd always heard that if there is to be light, there must be shadows. And I had reluctantly accepted it, no matter how much I'd fought you along the way. I could lock you up in a prison, and you could imprison me. I'd fallen. I was shackled by the darkness within me, in you, the fear that I was truly everything I'd hated.
The knowledge that I was truly everything I'd hated.
But I realize now, with that acceptance, I'd felt a different kind of freedom. In the acceptance that my other self was dark and twisted and evil, somehow, I'd felt a light shining brighter. The smallest candle fighting its way through the darkness.
To think that all I'd ever wanted back then was to be rid of you. I'd gradually accepted you as well. And now that you're gone... how should I feel? ...I want to feel that familiar weight on my chest again. I want to feel your seducing yet soothing presence beside me. I want to feel that comforting darkness again. ...I want you back, yami.
Other me... I don't hate you. Other me, do you know now, that all seven Millennium items are safely hidden from mankind under stone? The pharaoh's spirit has also gone back to the Shadow Realm. Other me, you can finally rest in peace, with all your thoughts of avenging gone. Other me, that doesn't mean that you're really gone though. Your darkness will always be a part of me. I know you're still here, always with me, always.
Other me...
I'll see you soon.
+ + +
OWARI 13.3.04 A small little ficlet brought to you by tiara.
+ + +
I got a disease deep inside me Makes me feel uneasy baby I can't live without you Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Be, be strong Keep telling myself That won't take long till I'm free of my disease
-Disease, MATCHBOX 20
+ + +
It scares me sometimes, other me.
Knowing that I could become evil. Knowing that there was a very high chance of me becoming everything I loathed and fought against. Knowing that in the very core of my being, there exists the capacity to kill. It scares me knowing that I could fall to that.
It scares me, also, because that part of me just wants to let go. Wants to become everything I resist, wants to get blood on my hands and not give a good damn about anyone but myself.
I know, other me, that you were there.
I'd worked hard to keep that part of myself -- that was you, other me, and it wasn't a very small part, mind you, and now I realize you were a totally different person -- suppressed. But you'd fight back constantly, wouldn't you? Every time I feel a thrill from defeating an opponent, there I felt you, pulsing in the back of my mind. Every time I throw an enemy to the ground, there I heard you, chuckling darkly.
Once, I let you get a-hold of me.
Remember the first time I'd willingly let you take over? That was when Yugi- san and Ryuuji-san were playing Dungeon Dice Monsters, with Yugi-san's Millennium Puzzle at stake. And on the way home, a drunk tried to hit on you, and you left him bloody and mutilated.
It was for a good cause, I'd convinced myself later then. I'd done it to ensure the safety of Yugi-san and myself, even if it meant letting you, the darkness, to run free. It'd felt good to do it, to let it out. Let the pure, unbridled viciousness run free and not have to hold it back. I'd sat back at the back of my mind, watching and laughing, radiant in my new-found freedom. Lost in the pure ecstasy of it all, lost in the glorious indulgence of my own dark desires.
Blood painted all over in a fascinating grunge-like way, with different shades: auburn at the edges, a deep claret here and there with painterly streaks of crimson dripping down the graffiti-covered alley. It was pretty.
I'd gradually started to become like you, other me.
And then I'd wrestled you down quickly enough, swallowing the bitterness of having to put myself back into the cage of righteousness with a spoon full of regret and a heavy dosage of denial. I didn't think that your evil, other me, was to be part of myself. You were an infected part of my soul. Eventually, the sickness would be gone like all diseases fade and my soul would be mend. I thought I'd be free of the taint.
I wanted to believe that at first, but really... Really, I knew that you would always be a part of me. My other self. You would never be eradicated from my soul.
I'd always heard that if there is to be light, there must be shadows. And I had reluctantly accepted it, no matter how much I'd fought you along the way. I could lock you up in a prison, and you could imprison me. I'd fallen. I was shackled by the darkness within me, in you, the fear that I was truly everything I'd hated.
The knowledge that I was truly everything I'd hated.
But I realize now, with that acceptance, I'd felt a different kind of freedom. In the acceptance that my other self was dark and twisted and evil, somehow, I'd felt a light shining brighter. The smallest candle fighting its way through the darkness.
To think that all I'd ever wanted back then was to be rid of you. I'd gradually accepted you as well. And now that you're gone... how should I feel? ...I want to feel that familiar weight on my chest again. I want to feel your seducing yet soothing presence beside me. I want to feel that comforting darkness again. ...I want you back, yami.
Other me... I don't hate you. Other me, do you know now, that all seven Millennium items are safely hidden from mankind under stone? The pharaoh's spirit has also gone back to the Shadow Realm. Other me, you can finally rest in peace, with all your thoughts of avenging gone. Other me, that doesn't mean that you're really gone though. Your darkness will always be a part of me. I know you're still here, always with me, always.
Other me...
I'll see you soon.
+ + +
OWARI 13.3.04 A small little ficlet brought to you by tiara.