Title: Stalling for Nachos
By: foshizzlemyrizzle
Summary: After solving a long and difficult case, Jane and Maura just want a little alone time. Then things get a little wacky. Written after a suggestion from polotiz following my use of some marijuana metaphors. Or something. Yeah, it's a pot fic. Rizzles. Humour.
Rating: T, I guess. I will change it if things get too raunchy.
Spoilers: I don't think so. You should be able to follow if you have seen an episode or two. And ship rizzles.
R&I R&I R&I
The door to the ladies' room at the Dirty Robber eases open. Dr. Maura Isles enters followed closely by Det. Jane Rizzoli. They scan the room and search the stalls to verify that they have the room to themselves. Jane places an 'out of order' sign on the door of the last stall, then opens it with a courtly bow for Maura.
"You stole that sign off the jukebox," Maura teases as she enters the small space and sets her purse atop the extra paper rolls on the toilet's tank.
"I didn't steal it," Jane protests as she follows Maura inside and locks the door. "It hasn't left the premises. I just relocated it. No one will try to play music anyway with the game blasting over the sound system."
Maura turns around and smiles at Jane. "I missed you," she whispers. She traces a finger down the front of Jane's shirt, then grabs her belt, pulling Jane closer.
"I missed you, too," Jane answers, wrapping her arms around Maura's waist. "How long has it been since we had more than two minutes alone?"
"Five days, twelve hours and..." Maura looks at her watch. "Twenty-two minutes."
"That's five days, twelve hours and twenty-two minutes too long," Jane whispers as their lips meet.
A passionate fire ignites between them. Their kiss deepens as they embrace each other tighter. Jane rotates them and sits on the toilet lid, pulling Maura down to straddle her lap. Maura buries her hands in Jane's long hair as the brunette quickly unbuttons the blond's blouse.
"Jane, we can't," Maura sighs between kisses.
"I know. You are way too classy," Jane teases. "We aren't making love, just making out."
Maura laughs and leans forward to resume their kisses but suddenly grabs her side and hisses.
"What's wrong?"
"Cramp," Maura replies exhaling slowly.
"Are you sick? Did you eat something bad?"
"Just PMS, Jane. I'm fine."
Jane pulls Maura's blouse open and wiggles her eyebrows. "I thought your boobs looked bigger. Do you want to go home?"
"No, they aren't that bad. And I don't want to ruin the celebration. Speaking of which, we need to get back out there. Our friends are waiting for us."
"Our friends are watching the game, getting drunk and flirting with the waitress. Two more minutes, please?" Jane gasps as she notices the front closure of Maura's bra. She reaches up with both hands to open it, giving Maura a big pleading smile.
"Two minutes," Maura whispers as the halves of her bra fall open.
"How sensitive are they?" Jane asks as she gently traces her thumbs across Maura's erect nipples.
Maura gasps and smiles and gently guides Jane's head forward.
Jane teases a pink peak with her tongue, wetting the areola, then softly blows across the tip.
Maura squeals and begins to grind her core against Jane's abdomen.
Jane moves her mouth to the nipple's twin and repeats the process. Her hands slide down to Maura's ass, encouraging the blond to continue thrusting against her.
Suddenly, the outer door to the restroom bangs open and the ladies freeze. Several male voices invade the room.
"Are you sure no one will come in here?"
"Yeah. There are like zero women here tonight. It's a real sausage fest."
"I saw two hot chicks earlier but I think they left."
"Are you sure?"
"Well they aren't out there and they aren't in here."
"Check the stalls before he pees his panties."
Jane slides her hands down Maura's hamstrings to the back of her knees, motioning for the blond to lift her feet. Jane then braces her hands against the stall walls and lifts her feet as well.
"I just don't want to get into trouble."
"Will you relax? It's like a hundred dollar fine. I'll cover it."
"I don't want a record either. My dad is in politics. He'd kill me."
"All the stalls are clear. This one is locked and out of order. So relax. It'll be fine."
Jane and Maura stare at each other in confusion then hear lighters flicking and each man inhaling deeply. The pungent smell of marijuana smoke soon permeates the small space and Maura's jaw drops.
"What do we do?" Maura mouths.
Jane shrugs. "I'm homicide."
Maura shakes her head then starts waving away the invading smoke. They hear a bubbling noise.
"What's that?" Maura mouths again.
"Bong."
Maura looks horrified and Jane suppresses a giggle. The smoke in the room gets even thicker.
Jane's eyes are perfectly level with Maura's boobs. She leans forward and starts licking. When Maura doesn't push her away she begins sucking. Maura starts panting, inhaling deeply, and silently gasping.
After the men have at least three turns on the bong each, they finally leave.
Jane puts her feet down and sucks harder. Maura hugs Jane's head to her chest as her moans grow louder and more intense. Jane pulls the blond's core against her abdomen again, picking up where they left off before the rude interruption.
Jane mumbles, "I love you," against Maura's flesh, moaning as the blond's pelvic thrusts pick up speed. Finally, Maura climaxes. Jane's husky voice laughs as they rest their heads against each other, catching their breath.
"I can't believe you did that," Maura admonishes at last.
"I can't believe you came from that," Jane answers, still chuckling.
"I kind of forgot we were in here."
Jane breaks out into a giggle fit. "Mind go blank, Dr. Isles?"
"Get out."
"What?"
"I actually have to use the facilities."
"Oh, right." Jane helps Maura to her feet and leaves the stall, walking toward the sinks. She turns a faucet handle, running some water to cover the sound of whatever Maura is doing behind the stall door.
Jane starts to play with the water, watching it flow through her fingers. She gets a little lost watching as tiny streams trace the creases of her scarred palm.
"Why didn't you want to arrest those men?"
The disembodied voice startles Jane until she remembers where Maura is. And what she is doing. "Don't talk to me while you change your tampon."
"I haven't actually started yet. I have PMS. Pre-menstrual syndrome, Jane. As in prior or before."
Jane perks up, a smile spreading across her face.
"Hey. My cramps are gone."
Jane starts jumping up and down. "Oh, you're feeling better? That's great. Because...cramps suck."
"I'm thirsty. Extremely thirsty."
"Yeah, I'm sure you worked up quite a thirst there, Maura."
"And I want nachos."
"Really?"
"Yes. Nachos bel Grande."
"From Taco Bell?"
"Yes, I just got a sudden craving. Do you ever get a craving like that? Just picture something in your mind and you have to have it? Like you can't rest until it is in your mouth."
Jane's eyes grow large as she pictures her face between Maura's legs. She nods her head vigorously, licking her lips.
The toilet flushes and Maura emerges from the stall, still righting her clothes.
Jane's eyes travel up and down Maura's body like she is made of cotton candy.
"So why didn't you want to arrest those men, Jane?"
"Um, something about me being homicide," Jane's eyes follow Maura to the sinks where she washes her hands and fixes her appearance. "And I'm...not vice. Marijuana has been decriminalized in Massachusetts, so that hundred dollar fine thing was...he was right about that. And we were in a compromising position. I don't really care if the general public knows that you let me suck your boobies but you were unbuttoned and I didn't want anyone to see them."
"Really?"
"Really. And there would be reports and processing and paperwork. And I'm just tired and hungry and horny and I want to go home."
"Valid reasons, I guess."
"Oh, and they could have had prescriptions. Medical marijuana is legal here."
"All three of them?"
"They could have met at a glaucoma clinic. I don't know."
"This is still a smoke free building."
"That is also a hundred dollar fine and that is still a one person stall."
"I see your point...and did you call my breasts 'boobies', Jane?"
"Boobilicious boobies. So what do you say me, you, your boobies and yum-yum go back to my place?"
"I'm still thirsty."
"I can handle that. I have two bottles of your favorite pinot noir in my fridge." Jane gropes her pockets.
"And I still want nachos."
"I know. We'll stop at Taco Bell. I just can't seem to find my keys."
"That is because they are in my purse."
Jane continues to search her belt. "Or my phone."
"Also in my purse."
"Or my badge?"
"In my purse."
"And my...gun?"
"Purse."
"Really?"
"You made me get a permit to carry, Jane."
"Right. Yeah. I remember."
Maura shakes her head in disbelief.
"Okay, so let's go to Taco Bell and get mi senorita her nachos bel grande. Give me my keys."
"You can't drive, Jane."
"Yes. I can. I have a license. I think it is in your purse. Your bottomless Mary Poppins bag purse."
"No, Jane. I believe we are under the influence of cannabis."
Jane grows somewhat serious. "So, I CAN drive? I just shouldn't? Right now?"
Maura grabs Jane by the shoulders and makes eye contact. "Jane. We. Are. High."
They stare at each other for a moment, their mouths agape. Jane begins to giggle, then to laugh hysterically until she squats on the floor, clutching her abdomen.
"This isn't funny, Jane. We are role models. We give career day speeches at local schools."
"Stop," Jane gasps as she falls to her knees.
"You are a decorated detective at the Boston cop shop place and I am chief queen of autopsies."
"Stop, Maura! You're gonna make me pee!"
"And we fucked in a bathroom stall and got stoned."
"We did NOT fuck, Maura."
"Well, I got fucked. Because I came. And my panties were drenched. I used so much toilet paper. I had to throw them away, Jane. Into the feminine hygiene product receptacle thing."
"The toilet paper?"
"My panties."
"You aren't wearing panties right now?"
"That's what I just said."
Jane knee walks toward Maura and reaches for her zipper.
"What do you think you are doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
Maura steps back. "You can't get me wet again, Jane. I can't exactly throw my pants away into the tampon, pad and beyond. And I really want nachos."
Jane's shoulders slump. "So, first nachos?"
"Then cunnilingus."
Jane giggles. "Say it again."
"Cunnilingus."
Jane looks up Maura with sad eyes. "What if we call a cab and order nachos to go from here?"
Maura groans. "Nope, it has to be nachos bel grande from Taco Bell. Any other nachos just wouldn't be right."
Jane sighs. "Okay. We call a cab. Go through Taco Bell drive thru. Then to my place and you can eat your nachos in bed while I om-nom-nom on this sweet thing."
"Like I'd be able to eat with your tongue...I'd choke, Jane."
"Fine." Jane leans forward, resting her forehead against Maura's waist and mumbles. "I know...I miss you too...it feels like seven and fifteen days...but the boss lady says she needs nachos first."
"Are you talking to my vagina, Jane?"
"Do you mind? Private conversation between me and Yum-yum, here."
Maura stares at Jane in amused confusion.
Jane continues her conversation. "Sorry. So half an hour...forty-five minutes tops and I will make us both so very, very happy. I promise."
Maura clears her throat.
Jane exhales slowly and kisses the front of Maura's pants. "Good night. Good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night til it be morrow."
"Romeo and Juliet? Really?"
"Some of us need closure, Maura. Because some of us, like you, got to finish. And some of us, like me, didn't."
"Fine. Carry on."
Jane nods, turning her attention back to Maura's crotch, then clears her throat. "Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more."
Maura shakes her head and giggles. "Kansas? Get up, goofy. The sooner we get out of here the sooner we can be in bed."
Jane quickly hops up as Maura pulls a phone from her purse. "Who ya callin'?"
"Cab."
"Right."
"I can't believe this was the first time I hear you recite poetry and you were talking to my labia."
Jane snorts and reaches for the door knob. Maura grabs her arm, halting her progress.
"Tonight...you are going to fuck me, Jane. And your finely aged whiskey of a voice is going to whisper poetry in my ear while I come."
"Yes, ma'am."
"After I fuck you, of course."
"OK. So, you eat, I eat, you fuck, I fuck?"
Maura nods, repeating the sequence in her head. "Right. Right."
"I don't know why recreational marijuana isn't legal in Massachusetts. I feel fine."
Maura scoffs. "Yeah, you always have conversations with my clitoris."
"Okay, that was a little weird." Jane opens the door, her eyes following Maura's form. "Commando," she whines, shaking her head.
"Put that sign back on the jukebox."
"No."
The door closes behind them.
Jane stomps back in, grabs the sign and stomps back toward the door.
"Whipped," she mumbles. "So whipped."