A/N: I have had this story in my head for a while, and a few days ago I decided to write it down. This story is set somewhere after the Christmas episode in season 8, but that's as specific as I'm going to be. I will update it as often as possible (damn you finals!), please bear with me! For those of you who feel that Sheldon would simply scoff at this sort of thing and call it 'hokum' - I believe he would too (and in my story, he does). But I also believe he loves Amy enough to do it anyway :-)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I'm just taking the characters out for a little spin... I promise to return them after I'm done.
Treading Water
By YlvaBorealis
Some people find the sound of raindrops smattering against a window soothing. Memories of evenings spent wrapped in an afghan, curled up on the couch with a good book and a cup of tea invokes feelings of comfort and warmth. Others associate it with grey skies, ruined suede shoes, and yet another reminder that summer was over.
Dr. Sheldon Cooper, however, thought of it as a symphony of information.
The number of raindrops hitting the window, the pitch of the smattering sound itself, the chemical compound of the water, meteorological data such as air pressure and temperature, calculations, equations, numbers – yes, the maestro that was his brain orchestrated the mathematical instruments with a precision that could give Johann Sebastian Bach a run for his money.
Most people spent their entire lives thinking of raindrops simply as raindrops. Dr. Sheldon Cooper was not most people.
Being unlike most people was the reason he had found his way to a large leather couch situated in the middle of an office that reminded him of a 19th century smoking lounge. Large, wooden bookshelves covered the walls almost entirely, the desk underneath one of the windows looked like something out of the Antiques Roadshow, and the coffee table in front of him was spotless, as if no teacups or magazines or remote controls had ever dared come near it. The room smelled of money and despair.
He raked his fingers through his dark brown, neatly combed hair, and then lifted his other hand to look at his wristwatch. 3.01 p.m. Immediately, he felt his heart skip a beat, and a familiar itch spread like wildfire across his skin. Sheldon was a firm believer in punctuality – tardiness made him nervous. Clasping his hands in his lap, he started reciting the digits of pi, to calm himself. Numbers brought order to the chaos that was everyday life.
Suddenly, someone pulled down the handle on the door in front of him, effectively snapping him out of his reverie. A woman, approximately 50 years of age, entered the room, her dark hair pinned up in an austere bun and a clipboard firmly clasped to her chest.
"Mr. Cooper?" she asked, shooting off a lopsided smile.
"Doctor", Sheldon replied.
"I beg your pardon?"
"It's 'Dr.' Cooper. But you may call me Sheldon", he repeated, already feeling slightly annoyed with the woman in front of him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I'm Dr. Janet Edelstein" the woman said, and held her hand out as she approached him.
Sheldon glanced at her hand and shook his head.
"Forgive me but I don't engage in social conventions such as hand shaking. I find the practice unnecessary, not to mention unhygienic" he informed her, keeping his own hands firmly clasped in his lap. Dr. Edelstein just kept smiling, and took a seat in the armchair directly opposed to him.
"That's perfectly fine, I don't mind. Why don't we get started on why you have come here today?"
"Seeing as you were exactly 2 minutes and 43 seconds late that would be the logical course of action" Sheldon agreed, his back straight as a board and his blue eyes slightly accusing.
Dr. Edelstein blinked, and scribbled something on the paper on her clipboard. Sheldon cocked his head to the side.
"What are you writing?" he asked suspiciously.
Dr. Edelstein looked up, and shot him a reassuring smile.
"Just some personal notes, nothing serious. And you are right: I was late. I apologize for that. Now, why don't you start by telling me a little about yourself?"
Sheldon took a deep breath.
"My name is Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, PhD. I have an IQ of 187, and an eidetic memory. I work as a theoretical physicist at CalTech: a trajectory leading to my inevitable future as a Nobel laureate with cities and monuments named after me and my achievements" he staccato-ed, the words rolling off his tongue effortlessly, as if coming off a record.
Dr. Edelstein hummed to herself, once again taking notes, which earned her a disapproving stare from Sheldon. Of course, he always encouraged people to take notes whenever he was speaking, but there was something about the way Dr. Edelstein crossed her legs and nodded to herself that made him feel… uneasy.
Finally, she looked up, once again smiling. That smile made him even more nervous: he had always had trouble reading facial expressions and wasn't sure if she was genuinely interested or just condescending.
"That's all very impressive Sheldon" she praised, further fuelling his suspicion that she was pitying him, although he couldn't for the life of him figure out why. "Now that we've got that covered…. Why don't you tell me why you are here? What exactly made you pick up the phone, dial my number, and make the appointment?" she queried, still keeping a firm grip on the clipboard and pencil.
Sheldon felt a lump in his throat. This was it. Now was the time: either he rose from the couch and walked out of the office, or he stayed. The sound of the raindrops against the window grew to deafening proportions in his ears, and the hands in his lap were soaking wet. Maybe this had been a bad idea. He didn't believe in this sort of thing. As far as he was concerned, the humanities were the least useful field of study, next to what his revered acquaintance Howard Wolowitz did. He was going to leave. This was pointless.
Suddenly, the image of a pair of emerald green eyes flashed in front of him. He recalled the sensation of soft lips pressed against his own, and a low voice murmuring sweet nothings against his chest during a slow dance at the rooftop of his apartment building.
As if someone had lowered the volume on a stereo, the sound of the raindrops against the window went back to normal, and the memories drifted away to where they came from. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of that infernal lump.
"I…I suppose one could say I have…issues" he stammered, suddenly finding himself unable to look the dark haired woman in the eyes.
Dr. Edelstein cocked her head to the side.
"Issues?" she repeated. "Would you care to elaborate?"
Sheldon thanked the deity he didn't believe in that he had opted for his black t-shirt with the vintage Batman-logo print today: now he was sweating all over.
"Yes…issues…with….intimacy" he continued, once again feeling his heart rate increase.
"How do these issues with intimacy manifest themselves? Why did you feel the need to come here today and ask for my assistance?" Dr. Edelstein urged on, uncrossing her leg, and crossing it over the other one.
"You should know that I find this topic extremely uncomfortable" Sheldon warned, finally looking up at the therapist.
"You are not alone in feeling that way. Most people would feel uncomfortable opening up to a complete stranger" Dr. Edelstein assured him, still retaining that lopsided smile that he couldn't decipher.
"I am not 'most people'" Sheldon corrected her.
"So I have noticed."
The room seemed unnaturally quiet. It occurred to Sheldon that it had stopped raining.
"All my life, I have been uncomfortable with physical contact" he began, dead set on following through with his decision. "It never came naturally to me. Hugs, handshakes, kisses… All forms of unnecessary physical contact are….repellant to me. I find it very difficult to see why I should submit myself to other people's bacteria, just because it's a non-optional social convention. I am quite happy not being touched" he rambled, not caring if she took notes or not.
"If you are happy not being touched…why are you here?" Dr. Edelstein shot back at him.
Touché.
"Four years ago, I met a…woman. We started off as girl/friend/boy/ friend but as the thought of her pursuing a relationship with someone other than myself was simply unacceptable, I decided to alter the paradigm of our relationship. We are currently, as it's colloquially known, 'going out'. In the beginning, everything was perfectly clear and mapped out, but lately, things have been….changing" he continued, feeling as though the room was shrinking. He was reminded of the scene in Star Wars Episode IV, where Luke Skywalker and the others were nearly crushed in a garbage disposal.
"Changing how?" the woman insisted, looking up from her clipboard.
"Changing in that she wants to move forward…physically, whereas I have always been perfectly happy with things as they are…until now" Sheldon replied. "I find myself unable to process this situation by myself, hence why I came here today. Although I am starting to regret that decision, seeing that it's already been 20 minutes and we are nowhere near a solution to my problem" he snorted, shaking his head to himself. Humanities.
"Well Sheldon, to be honest… You haven't exactly told me what it is you want me to do here" the dark haired therapist pointed out.
"For 150 dollars an hour, I think you ought to know what it is I want you to do".
"Humor me."
He sighed.
"For the sake of argument, let's assume I also want to….pursue a physical relationship. Let's also assume that my so called 'issues' are making that impossible. How would I go about getting….rid of these issues?" Dear Lord, was she really that thick?
"And is it safe for me to assume that by 'physical relationship' you mean sex, right?" the doctor inquired. Sheldon shuddered. That word alone made him cringe.
"You would be…correct" he admitted, not quite believing he'd just said that out loud.
Janet Edelstein regarded him silently, measuring him up as he fiddled with his hands where he was sitting opposed to her. Her eyes saw a man in his mid-thirties, her heart saw someone who had just turned 12, emotionally. He was thin, with narrow shoulders and smooth features. Not exactly what you'd call an "imposing figure" although his brutal honesty and lack of social skills had probably scared off both friend and foe. There was definitely something very intriguing about this man-child.
"I take it you are familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy?" she asked the gifted physicist.
"I enjoy the humor pages in the newspaper like everybody else" Sheldon confirmed.
"…Right. Anyway, I think you would greatly benefit from gradual exposure to physical stimuli. But it's important that we get to the root of your problem. From what I've gathered so far, your problems run deeper than just a mere fear of human contact. If this is going to work, you will have to open up to me, and be prepared to deal with feelings and topics that might make you uncomfortable. I would like you to think long and hard on what it is you hope to achieve here Sheldon. You said that you had been perfectly happy with the way things were between you and your girlfriend, yet suddenly you've found that you're not. What changed?" Janet pressed on, and the walls crept closer with every word, threatening to consume him.
"What changed is…I…I…" God, why was this so difficult? Numbers and equations formed flowing patterns in his mind, swirling together in a perfectly choreographed ballet. Emotions made him feel as if he were swimming with his clothes on. He felt heavy, out of his element, clumsy even. Any second now, he would be drained, unable to keep treading water. He would sink to the bottom of the ocean, cold and forgotten. He fought against these thoughts, forced them into a dark corner of his mind.
"…everything changed" he finished weakly. No, that wouldn't do. He had to try again.
"What I mean is… I always operated under the assumption that I wasn't afflicted with these urges that enslave you and the rest of humanity. I am above such things: a Homo Novus if you will. I have never had any interest in being intimate with anyone. And I had no interest in being intimate with Amy Farrah Fowler either, until… until this year's Valentine's Day when I kissed her" Sheldon continued, surprised that he hadn't collapsed yet.
"Tell me about that. Why did you do that? And how did that make you feel?" Dr. Edelstein asked softly, ignoring his condescending demeanor.
"We were arguing. I was furious with her, always trying to impose her romantic nonsense on me… what am I, a hippie? Anyway… I needed to prove a point. And I don't know, but suddenly we were kissing. And it was like…like mathematics".
Janet Edelstein arched one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows.
"Mathematics?"
"Yes. Unlike in the humanities (here, Dr. Edelstein couldn't help but let out an offended snort), there's only one answer in mathematics. Either you're right or you're wrong. And everything about that kiss, and Amy…feels right." Really, what had become of him? Goodbye Homo Novus, hello slave-to-baser-urges.
"That's a very eloquent way of describing your feelings Sheldon" the therapist commended him.
"Well, you're a woman, you like all kinds of hippy-dippy things" Sheldon huffed.
"As I was saying… Very well put. In essence, you kissed Amy and experienced a sexual awakening, if you will. And now you are unsure what to make of these new, unfamiliar feelings. Have you experienced sexual arousal before?"
Sheldon blinked.
"Have I what?" he asked innocently, as if the concept was completely alien to him.
"You said you just recently changed your mind about taking your relationship with Amy to the next level. Was this the first time you experienced sexual arousal?" Janet clarified, her eyes revealing nothing. No judgment, no pity, no nothing.
Sheldon squirmed in his seat. He thought of an adolescence spent in fear of his own body. He thought of Amy's lips that tasted of chocolate and alcohol. He felt the cold tiles of his bathroom wall underneath his left hand. That endless, aching need that built up within him sometimes, that tight knot at the small of his back that slowly turned into something primeval, something so wrong that felt so deliciously right. The swell of Amy's breasts against his chest as she embraced him, the low timbre of her voice. Faster, faster, he'd urge himself on, his breath stuck in his chest and his thoughts swirling. That deep, guttural sound that escaped him every single time, that heat.
"No…" he whispered, his voice barely audible.
Dr. Edelstein's features softened.
"We should probably wrap this up, the time's almost up. You have been very good today Sheldon, you should be very proud of yourself."
Sheldon nodded, his eyes glazed over.
"Now, I think it would be a good idea for us to meet every Tuesday at 3 p.m, at least for the next few weeks. Until next time, I want you to think about what it is that keeps you from being intimate with Amy, and I will draw up a plan for your treatment" the dark haired woman continued, while rising from her seat to escort Sheldon to the door. Sheldon also rose from his seat, eyes still glazed over, and Dr. Edelstein was surprised to learn that he was very tall. Despite his larger-than-life personality, he had come off as very small and fragile, when in reality he was almost 10 inches taller than her.
She opened the door to let him out.
"I'll see you next Tuesday Sheldon" she said, regarding him as he made his way out.
"Yes…next Tuesday" he mumbled, grabbing onto the messenger bag he had brought with him as if it were a life preserver. He felt her gaze boring into his neck as he stumbled out of the building.
Janet Edelstein watched one of the most peculiar men she'd ever met leave her office. Dr. Sheldon Cooper was nothing short of a roller coaster, and this would be one hell of a ride.
"What have I gotten myself into?" she mused, as she shut the door to her office.
"What have I gotten myself into?" Sheldon Cooper asked himself as he got on the bus back to 1311 Los Robles Avenue.