Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything in it.

General Warnings: AU, GEN, language, one-shot (until further notice), mentions of Unforgivable usage as a form of discipline so that translates to child abuse I guess.

Summary: A Sorting doesn't go quite as planned and things just sort of spiral from there.

Author's Notes: I've had this sitting around for a while (come to think of it, I have a lot of half typed and sketchily outlined stories that I have sitting around) and I finally decided to take it out and polish it a bit. I'm not sure whether I should continue this or leave it a one-shot...what do you guys think?

Edit 07/06/2016: Okay, so I've decided that since I have about zero ideas for a plot for this fic, it'll be marked completed. However, I may add random non-chronological one shots that take place in this universe. So look forward to that, if I ever get any done.

An Unexpected Sorting

Regulus shivered even as he gazed up at the floating candles and the pouring ceiling above them, reflecting the dismal weather outside.

Really, he grumbled to himself. Which of the idiotic headmasters had come up that bloody tradition to ride boats anyway? Granted, the view would have been spectacular, but that didn't change the fact that it had been raining too hard to see anything anyway. The least they could have done was put a Rain-Repelling charm or something over the boats. Or given the students umbrellas. How hard could it be to enchant a couple dozen umbrellas to keep the rain off of the poor first years? Hell, they could even have just given a couple of the older years a detention or two and had them do just that!

He was interrupted from his brooding by the sound of Min- no, Professor McGonagall clearing her throat. Merlin, he had been hanging around Sirius too much this summer. Even his nicknames for people were beginning to rub off. At this rate, he'd be bullying that Sni- Snape boy by the end of the week. Though, from what he had seen so far, that boy's hair really was rather greasy...

Regulus mentally shook his head, glancing over at the Gryffindor table discretely. Not discretely enough though, he reflected, as Sirius caught his gaze, grinning, and winked, gesturing something that clearly meant "Join the Gryffindors! We have pumpkin pasties!" while next to him, a boy who was no doubt the infamous James Potter used a vaguely human-shaped bunch of green sweet wrappers stuck together with a sticking charm to mime Slytherins being all haughty and gloomy and being thrown off the side of the table after it failed to throttle Sirius' pumpkin pasty. Regulus's lips twitched, and he quickly stifled the bubbling laugh, lest he act in a way unbefitting a scion of the noble house of Black.

...Merlin, he sounded like Mother. Perhaps Potter did have a point about Slytherins being all gloom and doom. All of the Slytherins he knew ― which was to say, most of the people he knew ― were rather stiff and homicidal, not to mention rather fanatical of this century's recent Dark Lord who promised to rid the world of muggles and muggle born. He glanced over at the Slytherin table on the other side of the hall.

Sure enough, there was Bellatrix, glaring at him so hard he was surprised he hadn't felt it earlier. And her friends Mulciber Jr., Rosier, the younger Lestrange, all of whose parents were friends with Mother, shooting him nasty looks that promised pain if he went anywhere other than Slytherin. And of course, Narcissa and her fiance, Lucius, looking as haughty and stuck up as ever, not even deigning to look his way.

"Black, Regulus!" He very nearly jumped out of his skin as Professor McGonagall called his name, but caught himself just in time. Bella and Cissa would no doubt write home and tell Mother of any lapses in decorum he made, especially now, when all attention was on him.

With one last anxious glance at Sirius, he strode up the dais in a semblance of confidence and sat down on the stool. Sirius grinning up at him was the last thing he saw before the dusty brim of the ragged hat dropped over his eyes.

'When was the last time this was washed?' He wondered, mentally wrinkling his nose at the thought of the hundreds of thousands of wet and dirty students that must have put on the hat before.

'I'll have you know I am a very clean Hat! The headmaster is very careful with my upkeep!' The Hat said indignantly. Regulus wasn't surprised by the sudden voice in his head. Walburga Black had never been squeamish about ruining surprises and had already told him what to expect and exactly how she wanted him to convince him to put him in Slytherin.

'Somehow, I doubt it,' He drawled back. 'I saw quite a bit of dandruff before they put you on me. Evidently, the headmaster's lemon drops have affected your brain as well as his brain if you believe that you can be considered clean. Surely it cannot be too hard for a wizard of Dumbledore's caliber to place a long-lasting cleaning charm on you before the first years try you on. You should complain.'

'Hm...well, yes, you have a point.' The Hat admitted grudgingly. 'But we're not here for that! We're here to sort you!'

'Well then, best get on with it shouldn't you?' Regulus snapped irritably, his heavy, wet robes clinging uncomfortably on him. He wanted nothing more than to get this over with, get something to eat and take a long hot bath.

'Yes, yes...A Black I see. Well that would explain your impatience; your brother was much the same... Very brave, that's one trait the two of you share, even if you aren't quite as bullheaded as he is...' Regulus nearly snorted. The hat continued musing, ignoring his wry amusement. 'But you're not Gryffindor material are you? No, too careful, and, dare I say, sneaky for it...Plenty of cunning as well, though not quite as much ambition, but your resourcefulness would certainly fit well in Sly-'

'Not Slytherin!' The thought popped into his head almost instinctively. He mentally slapped himself. What was he thinking? He really must have been hanging out with Sirius too much over the summer, though who could blame him ― it wasn't like the Black household had an abundance of playmates, as Andy had recently been disowned, and Bella and Cissa were too old or stuck up to do anything really interesting anyway. But that didn't change the fact that he was supposed to get into Slytherin, that Mother wanted him in Slytherin, expectedhim to get in Slytherin. He didn't want to be Crucio-ed, Merlin knew he had had enough of those over the past year, but-

But he thought back to Sirius, who smiled at him even now, even though he knew Regulus was much more likely to get into Slytherin than Gryffindor, while Bella and the others merely threatened and glared. Sirius, who had protected him since forever, taking every one of Mother's Crucios until he had left for school, even if they hadn't been aimed at him, who had looked so angry on his behalf when he found out Mother had been Crucio-ing him while he was at Hogwarts; Sirius, who would be so disappointed if he went into Slytherin.

He unconsciously flinched at the thought, his head turning ever so slightly in the direction where he could feel Sirius' hopeful, jittery gaze.

Sirius. His older brother, his role model. The person he had always wanted to be more like ― and a tiny little voice in the back of his head whispered that, even if it wasn't Gryffindor, wouldn't this be a good place to start?

'Put me in Ravenclaw!' He thought desperately. He knew he wasn't cut out for Gryffindor, and Slytherin was-

He swallowed again, before blurting out a word he had rarely used before, even in his own mind, a word that was all but forbidden in the Black household because Mother considered it below them to have to beg for anything- 'Please!'

'Ravenclaw, you say?' The hat mused. 'Well, you are more than clever enough for it, and your Slytherin cunning can very easily be passed off as Ravenclaw intellect if you so wish. You are a rather clever lad, and love for books would see you through that house. Your sarcastic wit certainly belongs there. But you know, you wouldn't be badly suited to Hufflepuff either, your loyalty to those you truly care for is admirable and you are not afraid of hard work.'

'They're a load of old duffers,' Regulus thought automatically, repeating what Sirius had said more than once. it was one of the only things that Mother and Sirius seemed to agree upon, even if Sirius wasn't quite as against Hufflepuffs as Mother.

'They most certainly are not!' The hat thought indignantly. 'Loyalty is a very admirable trait!'

Regulus said nothing, unable to agree or refute the statement. The hat sniffed. 'Well, no harm done. Though I suppose Hufflepuff would not be the house for you, with your negative views on it.'

The hat fell silent, pondering. It seemed to think forever, ignoring Regulus' apprehension, fear rendering him mute.

'Hmmm...well then, I suppose...better be-'

Regulus' heart jumped up into his throat, making it hard to breathe, the blood rushing in his ears drowning out anything he might have heard. He felt the hat lifted off his head and-

And it was the table of blue and bronze clapping, the table of silver and green that looked dumbfounded, and he dimly heard Sirius' voice whooping over all the noise in the Hall.

As he made his way to take his place amongst the Ravens, there was a quiet niggle in the back of his head that his family wouldn't be happy with him. Mother would be furious. She would send him a Howler, and Crucio him till the next Sunday when he went back. Father would be disapproving, maybe even threaten to disown him. Bella was going to hunt him down and humiliate him ― thank Merlin she was in her last year ― and Cissa would be displeased, though, at least, she wasn't likely to do more than sneer and ignore him.

Was it worth it?

Regulus glanced over at the table decked in red and gold, and saw Sirius' beaming face as he cheered, so openly proud of him-

Yes, he thought. Yes, it was.

Notes: I hope no one was offended by my "Hufflepuffs are duffers" comment. I am a Hufflepuff, so I didn't really mean anything by it; it just seems like the type of thing Sirius would say, and Walburga seems to be the type of woman that would disapprove of my seemingly harmless, supposedly not-very-talented house anyway. Oh, and I am perfectly aware that Bellatrix should have already graduated by the time Regulus started, but I need a villain and honestly, Narcissa and Lucius don't seem like the type that would want to get their hands dirty. Which would be fine and everything if it weren't for the fact that I'm no good at concocting evil, complicated, Slytherin-ish plans so... Yeah. Sorry. Might go back and edit the chapters a bit if I ever think of a properly diabolic scheme though.

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