I read a fic about voicemails for main characters of a show once (I think it was LFN) and worked witchblade into the format.
This fic in pure fun and good humour. As you read, I'm writing Nottingham's. If you're easily offended by character mocking or bashing, Don't read.
Jake McCartey comes home from a very long day. He checks his messages.
(V.O.)
You've reached Jake.
If you want to leave a message for Jake
Mcdummi the surfer, press one.
To leave a message for Jake
McCartey the detective, press two.
To leave a message for Jake
Mcblonde the FBI agent, press three.
To leave a message for Jake
Dum-Blaund the circus freak, press four.
If this is the guy who beat me up at
The Rialto, just say when and where and I'll
Show up to get my ass kicked.
No, I mean kick your ass.
Damn, how do I restart this? (random shuffling)
CLICK. BEEP.
SARA (V.O.)
Hey Jake, did you get new roommates or something?
They sound a lot like you. Except the circus guy, his
Voice sounds cooler then yours. He has a cooler name
Too. Guess what, I cut off O'Linski's head!
He just called me a slut one too many times, and
Swish- Don't tell Dante
CLICK. BEEP.
DANTE (V.O.)
McCarty, what's up with this voicemail?
I demand that you meet me to talk about
Pizzini. Somebody cut off O'Linski's head!
I know it was her damnit!
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
I'm warning you blonde, stay
Away from Sara! She's mine. If you don't,
I'll put it on the intercom that you
Went to a gay club, and liked it!
(beat)
by the way, meet me outside the precinct,
today at noon to get you ass kicked…
again.
CLICK. BEEP.
SARA (V.O.)
So here's the deal. I'm
Filing a restraining order against you. I mean
Really. It's like every guy I run into thinks
I'm their long lost love or something. And if you
come near me, I'll slice your hea-, I mean, I'll
Dutifully report you to the court and make you
Pay a fine. Yeah, that's it…
CLICK. BEEP.
SARA (V.O.)
Yeah, Jake Mcblonde, FBI? I'm a former
Friend of Jake's. Listen, I'm having some problems
With stalkers lately. Everywhere I go, someone's
Following me like a puppy dog. Then my friend Vic
Said that I lead guys on. That is so not true.
(beat)
So anyway, being an FBI agent, that must
Be pretty cool. So much more
Important then being a junior detective
Or a priest or an assassin or a songwriter.
(beat)
So, wanna go out sometime?
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
I heard about the restraining order.
Na-na-na-na boo-boo
I win! I win! Now that that's
Taken care of, I demand you resign from
Your job and move away to another state.
If you don't, I'll slice your head off.
And don't even think about chickening out
Of our fight today.
(beat)
you have exactly 1.5 hours to call to resign.
CLICK. BEEP.
GABRIEL (V.O.)
I went down to the precinct to look
For you or Sara, and I heard this announcement
On the loudspeaker that you went to gay clubs.
Is that true. Is it?
(beat)
the loudspeaker guy also said not to
miss your fight. I wouldn't if I were you.
The whole precinct's going to show
Up to watch you get your ass kicked.
I mean, to watch you kick his ass.
(slight snickering in background).
CLICK. BEEP.
DANTE (V.O.)
What's this I hear about you being gay
McCartey? We don't allow any gay White Bulls
Except for the former O'Linski and myse-
(beat)
(more angry)
The point is that it would hurt our
Rep if people found out about gay vigilante
cops. And I've found a way for you to
solve it. Your going to show up to that
Fight today. And if you lose,
I'll have to believe you're gay,
and I'll slice your head off.
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
You have 45 minutes to resign, 50 minutes
Until I kick your ass…
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
You have 4 minutes to resign, 9 minutes
Until I kick your ass
CLICK. BEEP.
DANTE (V.O.)
Damn Jake, I can't believe you lost after everything
I told you. That guy totally kicked you ass.
No gay white bulls allowed. I would send someone
out to kill you, but when those camera crews left
they were thinking about putting it somewhere
on the local news and I figured I'd let
that humiliate you for a while before you go.
By the way, I got your resignation. Pretty
smart McCartey. I hear the entire state of
New York's after ya. Good luck outunning
Us. You'll need it. If I don't get you, Pizzini,
The scary guy in black, the ghost in Pizzini's
Apartment or your credit card guys will!!!
CLICK. BEEP.
GABRIEL (V.O.)
I'm sorry I couldn't come to the fight
I was advertising it online and time just
disappeared! But that's OK, I saw it on the local news.
And this other guy has some digital pix online.
That dude in black totally kicked your ass. He looked really
familiar too…Anyway, I called again because you
Never answered my calls. No one ever
Answers my calls.
(beat)
so, my question is, are you gay?
You can tell me. Really.
CLICK. BEEP.
The end. What did you think. Tell me. Go on. You know you want to.
This fic in pure fun and good humour. As you read, I'm writing Nottingham's. If you're easily offended by character mocking or bashing, Don't read.
Jake McCartey comes home from a very long day. He checks his messages.
(V.O.)
You've reached Jake.
If you want to leave a message for Jake
Mcdummi the surfer, press one.
To leave a message for Jake
McCartey the detective, press two.
To leave a message for Jake
Mcblonde the FBI agent, press three.
To leave a message for Jake
Dum-Blaund the circus freak, press four.
If this is the guy who beat me up at
The Rialto, just say when and where and I'll
Show up to get my ass kicked.
No, I mean kick your ass.
Damn, how do I restart this? (random shuffling)
CLICK. BEEP.
SARA (V.O.)
Hey Jake, did you get new roommates or something?
They sound a lot like you. Except the circus guy, his
Voice sounds cooler then yours. He has a cooler name
Too. Guess what, I cut off O'Linski's head!
He just called me a slut one too many times, and
Swish- Don't tell Dante
CLICK. BEEP.
DANTE (V.O.)
McCarty, what's up with this voicemail?
I demand that you meet me to talk about
Pizzini. Somebody cut off O'Linski's head!
I know it was her damnit!
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
I'm warning you blonde, stay
Away from Sara! She's mine. If you don't,
I'll put it on the intercom that you
Went to a gay club, and liked it!
(beat)
by the way, meet me outside the precinct,
today at noon to get you ass kicked…
again.
CLICK. BEEP.
SARA (V.O.)
So here's the deal. I'm
Filing a restraining order against you. I mean
Really. It's like every guy I run into thinks
I'm their long lost love or something. And if you
come near me, I'll slice your hea-, I mean, I'll
Dutifully report you to the court and make you
Pay a fine. Yeah, that's it…
CLICK. BEEP.
SARA (V.O.)
Yeah, Jake Mcblonde, FBI? I'm a former
Friend of Jake's. Listen, I'm having some problems
With stalkers lately. Everywhere I go, someone's
Following me like a puppy dog. Then my friend Vic
Said that I lead guys on. That is so not true.
(beat)
So anyway, being an FBI agent, that must
Be pretty cool. So much more
Important then being a junior detective
Or a priest or an assassin or a songwriter.
(beat)
So, wanna go out sometime?
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
I heard about the restraining order.
Na-na-na-na boo-boo
I win! I win! Now that that's
Taken care of, I demand you resign from
Your job and move away to another state.
If you don't, I'll slice your head off.
And don't even think about chickening out
Of our fight today.
(beat)
you have exactly 1.5 hours to call to resign.
CLICK. BEEP.
GABRIEL (V.O.)
I went down to the precinct to look
For you or Sara, and I heard this announcement
On the loudspeaker that you went to gay clubs.
Is that true. Is it?
(beat)
the loudspeaker guy also said not to
miss your fight. I wouldn't if I were you.
The whole precinct's going to show
Up to watch you get your ass kicked.
I mean, to watch you kick his ass.
(slight snickering in background).
CLICK. BEEP.
DANTE (V.O.)
What's this I hear about you being gay
McCartey? We don't allow any gay White Bulls
Except for the former O'Linski and myse-
(beat)
(more angry)
The point is that it would hurt our
Rep if people found out about gay vigilante
cops. And I've found a way for you to
solve it. Your going to show up to that
Fight today. And if you lose,
I'll have to believe you're gay,
and I'll slice your head off.
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
You have 45 minutes to resign, 50 minutes
Until I kick your ass…
CLICK. BEEP.
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)
You have 4 minutes to resign, 9 minutes
Until I kick your ass
CLICK. BEEP.
DANTE (V.O.)
Damn Jake, I can't believe you lost after everything
I told you. That guy totally kicked you ass.
No gay white bulls allowed. I would send someone
out to kill you, but when those camera crews left
they were thinking about putting it somewhere
on the local news and I figured I'd let
that humiliate you for a while before you go.
By the way, I got your resignation. Pretty
smart McCartey. I hear the entire state of
New York's after ya. Good luck outunning
Us. You'll need it. If I don't get you, Pizzini,
The scary guy in black, the ghost in Pizzini's
Apartment or your credit card guys will!!!
CLICK. BEEP.
GABRIEL (V.O.)
I'm sorry I couldn't come to the fight
I was advertising it online and time just
disappeared! But that's OK, I saw it on the local news.
And this other guy has some digital pix online.
That dude in black totally kicked your ass. He looked really
familiar too…Anyway, I called again because you
Never answered my calls. No one ever
Answers my calls.
(beat)
so, my question is, are you gay?
You can tell me. Really.
CLICK. BEEP.
The end. What did you think. Tell me. Go on. You know you want to.