~ Title: Usagi in DIC-Land (part 1 of 2)
~ Fandom: Sailormoon (first season)
~ Author: Tofumalfoy (tofumalfoy @ yahoo.com)
~ Rating: PG-13
~ Category: humor, parody-ish
~ Warnings: scattered profanity, utter confusion, hints of homosexuality (Kunzite x Zoicite, Nephrite x Jaedite), major character death (but come on, folks, it's supposed to be funny)
~ Archive: Ask and ye shall receive
~ Disclaimer: The story's mine, the characters aren't. How depressing. Except the members of "The Tuxedo Kamen Show." They _are_ mine, and that's depressing too.
~ Feedback: I am aching to know what people think of this one. Sooo . . . .pleeeeeeeeeease??? ^.^
~ Notes: This was my first-ever fic and it still manages to amuse me, though it's somewhat out-of-date now that up to SuperS has been dubbed. To anyone who didn't know, DIC was the original butcherer of Sailormoon for America and Canada.
Please also note that this fic is potentially confusing as hell, because it features the casts of both the original Japanese series _and_ the North American dub, with only slight variations as to spelling. My apologies if it's too anally spelling-dependent.
~ Vocabulary: Senshi: soldier/warrior
henshin: transform
fuku: clothes/uniform
Odango-atama: dumpling head (Mamoru's nickname for Usagi)
**
"Jaedite!"
"Yes, Beryl-sama?" The pale general appeared and bowed.
The snakelike Queen glared at him. "I am very displeased with your apparent lack of progress, Jaedite. The Sailor Senshi keep forcing you to retreat, and there are only three of them! Remember that in the Silver Millennium there were four, not to mention the Senshi representing the outer planets!"
"Hmhmhmhm," Zoicite appeared, with Nephrite and Kunzite behind him. "Jaedite, you're so weak! You can't even defeat a couple Sailor Senshi! When I get a chance at them . . ."
"Zoicite! You're supposed to be training with Nephrite and Kunzite!" Beryl hissed.
"Slut," Jaedite muttered.
"He's completed his training and is now fully qualified to be one of your generals, your majesty," Kunzite said quickly.
"Because he's a WHORE!!" Jaedite yelled.
Zoicite shrieked and the two went flying at each other, batting hands and pulling hair.
"GIRLFIGHT!" Nephrite yelled and began laughing. He and Kunzite watched with interest, gambling on who would win.
Queen Beryl's eyes flashed. "ZOICITE! JAEDITE!"
The two stopped fighting and stood up straight beside each other. Nephrite and Kunzite also recovered.
"How can you expect to defeat the Sailor Senshi if you can't even get along with each other? Jaedite, go to your room."
"Yes, your majesty." He vanished.
"Nephrite, you too."
Nephrite gave a courteous bow and vanished as well.
"Zoicite, go to Kunzite's room."
Zoicite grinned. "Yes, Beryl-sama."
"Yes!" Kunzite whispered to himself.
"KUNZITE!"
"Yes, Beryl-sama?"
"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CHANGE THAT ORDER?"
Kunzite closed his eyes solemnly.
"GOOD! Now go to your room."
"Yes, Beryl-sama." He and Zoicite vanished.
**
Usagi, Rei, Ami, and Luna were sitting on the steps near the bell at the Hikawa Shrine.
"So, tell us about those weird signals you've been receiving, Ami-chan!" Rei said.
"Well," Ami began. "On my computer I've been picking up some unusual signals, but I haven't been able to pinpoint their location! It's almost like they're not coming from this universe!
The Senshi gasp collectively.
"And they're not coming from the Dark Kingdom, either!" Luna added.
Usagi said, "Wow, you mean another universe!"
Ami and Luna got sweat-drops.
"No, you idiot!" Rei said.
Well, what DO you mean?"
"Somehow my tracking device is being blocked and reflected into empty space!"
The Senshi and Luna gasp (again) collectively.
"Well, Senshi, what are you going to do about this difficulty?" Luna asked.
"Luna, do you honestly think that Usagi could do anything to help figure out what's going on?" Rei asked.
"Rei-chan!" Ami exclaimed.
"Rei, you're always so MEAN to me!" Usagi complained.
"Yes, Rei," Luna said. "Even though Usagi is a ditzy crybaby—"
"HEY!" Usagi yelled.
". . . you must remember that she IS Sailormoon, the leader of the Sailor Senshi. She will continue to develop her skills the more we fight the Dark Kingdom."
"That's right, Rei!" Usagi stuck out her tongue at Rei, and Rei stuck her tongue at Usagi. They began arguing loudly.
Luna said, "Why don't we try to figure out where that signal is coming from, Ami-chan?"
Ami said, "In this racket? We'd be better off invading the Dark Kingdom!" Then she stood up suddenly. "OH! I forgot I still have my homework for next year to start!" She raced away.
Luna sweat-dropped.
**
"Nephrite, I don't understand why Queen Beryl doesn't put her plan into action right now!" Jaedite complained. "Those Senshi are giving me enough trouble, not to mention Sailor V in England! We need to get rid of them NOW!"
"Be patient, Jaedite. Sometimes you act so much like Zoicite that it scares me."
"You would compare me to him, Nephrite?"
"Sometimes," Nephrite replied. "Anyway, she'll begin when she's ready. It must be just the right time."
"Will it affect Sailor V as well?"
"She has said that it will, though she may change her plans. I should be finished with that Senshi soon anyway."
"I hope so."
"JAEDITE!"
"That's Queen Beryl," Jaedite said. "I'd better go."
**
"Jaedite," Queen Beryl said, looking into her orb. "I want you to start gathering energy for the transfer. We'll need a lot. Don't fail me!"
"Yes, Beryl-sama." Jaedite bowed, then vanished.
"He'd better gather enough energy for this to work. The Sailor Senshi and Sailor V must be gotten rid of!"
**
Rei, Ami, Usagi, and Luna were walking down a sidewalk. It was sunset.
"Luna, I'm tired of walking around! Can't we go home? It's almost dark anyway!" Usagi complained.
"No, Usagi, we have to keep looking!" Luna said firmly.
"Don't think we're not tired too, Usagi," Rei said.
"That's right! We're just as tired as you are Usagi-chan! But I've been picking up Jupiter energy signals have been strongest in this area!" Suddenly Ami gasped.
"What is it, Ami-chan?" Luna asked.
"The signal! It's fading! . . .it's gone."
"That means we can go home now, right Luna?" Usagi said.
Ami and Rei fell over, and Luna got a sweat-drop.
"USAGI THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!" Luna yelled.
Usagi fell over. "Don't yell at me Luna! It's not my fault I'm a delicate girl! I need lots of sleep to dream about my Tuxedo Kamen!"
"YOUR Tuxedo Kamen, Usagi?" Rei said.
"Of course!"
"Usagi-chan, you can't keep claiming him for your own!" Ami said. "Who knows, he might be a genius, just waiting for a girl with a 300 IQ to come into his life!"
"Come ON, Ami-chan! He's much too romantic to be so brainy!" Usagi said.
"Yeah!" Rei joined in. "And since when have YOU been interested in Tuxedo Kamen anyway???"
Ami got a sweat-drop. ". . .Well, er, ah, um . . ."
"HEY! EVERYBODY!" Usagi yelled. "You two can keep fighting! But Luna and I are going home so I can dream about Tuxedo Kamen!" She grabbed Luna and ran off.
**
Castanets played rhythmically in the background.
"Sailormoon . . ." Tuxedo Kamen called.
"Oh, Tuxedo Kamen!" Usagi said.
"Why didn't you tell me you were Odango-atama?"
"But . . ."
"Tuxedo Mask!" A nauseating high-pitched voice shrieked.
Both Usagi and Tuxedo Kamen turned.
"Who the hell are you?" Usagi said. "Who is Tuxedo Mask and why are you in MY Sailor fuku?"
". . .Tuxedo, don't you recognize me?" the girl asked. "It's me, Sailor Moon! This Serena look-alike must be from the Negaverse!"
Tuxedo Kamen straightened his tie and cleared his throat. "You must have mistaken me for someone else, 'Sailor Moon.' I am called Tuxedo KAMEN."
"Serena!" A voice called. It sounded like a twenty-year-old just getting a voice change.
"Chiba-san?" Usagi asked.
"Darien!" Sailor Moon exclaimed.
"Odango-atama . . .?" Mamoru said, from behind. Tuxedo Kamen was gone.
Usagi turned around again. "Chiba-san!" She, Sailor Moon, and Darien were all very confused.
"It appears that someone has made doppelgangers of us, Usagi."
". . . What's a doppel-thingy?" Sailor Moon asked.
"How did you know I'm Sailormoon?!?" Usagi shrieked.
"You're NOT Sailor Moon," Sailor Moon said flatly.
"What the hell is going on?" Darien asked.
"SILENCE!" said a voice. "I AM DIC!"
". . . What the--?" Mamoru said.
"DARIEN, THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK 'FOUR-LETTER WORDS'."
"Are you God?" Darien asked.
There was a long pause.
". . . ALMOST. I DETERMINE WHAT YOU AND SAILOR MOON SAY."
"What the ****?!" Darien said, his voice cracking.
"Wouldn't that make you God?" Sailor Moon asked.
A pause again.
". . . NOT EXACTLY . . . OH! AND I ALSO CONTROL WHAT YOUR VOICES SOUND LIKE! HAHAHAHAhaha . . ."
The voice faded away.
"What the ****?!?" Darien exclaimed in his pubescent voice. "I can't say it! What's going on here?!"
"D***!" Sailor Moon tried to say. "Now my voice will be stuck like this forever!"
"USAGI!!!!"
**
Usagi woke up. "Damn!" she said, just making sure. "Good! I'm glad THAT was all a dream! Tuxedo Kamen went away too soon, and those gross people with the weird voices were there . . ."
"USAGI!"
"What, mom? I was sleeping!"
"You're LATE!"
"What? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Goodbye, Usagi!"
"I'M LATE!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
**
Usagi stood outside the door to the classroom. "It's not fair," she sighed to herself. "It's not MY fault that I was late. It was that stupid dream! What was with that dream, anyway? I don't BELIEVE that I actually had a dream with that dumb guy Chiba in it! How DARE he come into my dreams!!"
"Usagi, I thought you were going to dream about Tuxedo Kamen!"
"AAAA!" Usagi fell over. "Luna! Don't scare me like that!"
"You should have been paying attention!"
". . .What for? There's nothing to do!"
Luna got a sweat-drop. "Ah, yes, well . . ."
"But Luna, my dream was so strange! There were two Chiba-sans and two mes, but one me was Sailormoon . . ."
". . .Usagi?"
"Huh?"
"IT WAS JUST A DREAM!"
"AAAAA!" Usagi fell over. "Don't yell at me! I know it was a dream!"
"That's good," Luna muttered.
"Luna, could you POSSIBLY be suggesting that I can't separate reality from fantasy?"
"Uh, no, Usagi, not REALLY . . .Why do you ask?"
Suddenly a hideous youma came crashing down the sidewalk. "TEACHEEE!" it yelled.
"Eeeew, gross!" shrieked Usagi. "Let's get out of here, Luna!"
"Usagi, transform, NOW!"
The youma crashed through the wall leading to Usagi's classroom. The students and the teacher all screamed.
"What are you doing in MY classroom?" Haruna-sensei tried to sound in control.
"TEACHEE!" It grabbed two of the students and began to drain their energy. "TEACHEE!" The youma grew several sets of tentacles and grabbed more children, including Naru and Umino.
"HEY! YOUMA!"
The youma turned around. "TEACHEE!?!"
"You let those students go!"
Naru looked up. "It's. . .Sailormoon!" Then she lost consciousness.
"GRAAAAAAH! TEACHEEE!" The youma dropped its prey and went after Sailormoon.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Sailormoon jumped, barely dodging the youma's attack, and landed on her butt. "Damn!" she said. "That always happens!"
"Need some help, Sailormoon?" Sailormercury!
"SailormercurAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Again she narrowly dodged the youma. "How did you get out of class?"
"I asked the teacher to let me go to the bathroom! SHABON SPRAY!!!"
"Sailormercury, now I can't see!"
"FIRE . . .SOUL!!!"
"Sailormars! How did YOU get here?" Sailormercury asked.
Sailormars got multiple sweat-drops. "ahem . . ."
The youma was recovering from Sailormars' attack, and the fog was clearing.
"Moon Tiara . . .AAAAA!"
The youma attacked her.
"AAAAAAAAA!"
"FIRE SOUL!!!"
That distracted the youma, temporarily.
Meanwhile . . .
**
Luna raced around the school with Mercury's computer in her mouth. "I know she's around here SOMEWHERE . . ." she thought.
**
"AAAAA!" shrieked Sailormars.
"AAAAA!" shrieked Sailormercury.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Sailormoon.
The youma had cornered them.
"SUPREME THUNDER!"
Bolts of lightning knocked the youma away.
"Who are you?" Sailormars asked.
"Sailorjupiter!" the newcomer said.
"Yes, Senshi, this is Sailorjupiter! She is WRAAAAAOW!"
The youma attacked Luna.
"Luna!" Sailormercury cried. "That's it! You've had it, youma! SHABON SPRAY!!!"
"Mercury, we can't see!" Mars said.
"Sorry!"
The monster was attacking, when suddenly . . .
Five roses of different colors came flying down and each hit major pressure points. The youma collapsed, but was still alive.
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailormoon squealed.
A Spanish woman played castanets in the background.
"Sailor Senshi," Tuxedo Kamen said. "It is I."
"AND . . .!"
"Everyone looked past Tuxedo Kamen at the source of the sound. Someone had shot the Spanish woman and in her place four men in tuxedos stood, one poised with an accordion. Another blew on a pitchpipe.
"Oooooh . . .We are tuxedo-suited heroes! As handsome as heroes e'er could be! Out of suit, we could be geeky zeroes! But now no one is sexier than we!"
"Could these be one of the Dark Kingdom's new youma?" Sailorjupiter asked.
"No, they're not EVIL, per se . . ." Mars said. "I don't think they're TRYING to hurt us . . ."
"TUXEDO KAMEN, SAVE ME!" Sailormoon shrieked.
The tuxedoed men continued their song.
"Our identities are secret! You'll never, never know! But for now!
(now!)
(now!) Here's the Tuxedo Kamen SHOOOOOW!"
The youma had gotten up, but was paralyzed by the horror of the song. Now it was recovering.
"I am Tuxedo Cape!" A Spaniard said, stepping forward.
"I am Tuxedo Top-hat!" One with a dark beard exclaimed.
"I am Tuxedo Cane!"
"I am Tuxedo Punchbowl!"
Together: "And we're here to AAAAAUGH!"
The youma had attacked. "TEACHEE!"
"Who are those people, Tuxedo Kamen?"
"Not now, Sailormoon! Quick, the youma was weakened by them!"
"So was I, Tuxedo Kamen!"
"HURRY, Sailormoon!" Sailormars yelled.
"Oh, Mars, you're always so MEAN to me!"
"Enough of this! FIRE SOUL!"
"SHABON SPRAY!"
"SUPREME THUNDER! You can join in any time, Sailormoon!"
"Okay, okay! MOON TIARA ACTION!"
"AARGH! TEACHEEEEYAAAAAA!"
The youma was reduced to dust.
"Now, Tuxedo Kamen, about those other guys . . ." Sailormoon began.
"Tuxedo Kamen got a sweat-drop. "Er, ah, um . . ."
**
"JAEDITE!" Queen Beryl's eyes flashed.
The cowering general appeared before her. "Yes, Beryl-sama?"
"To be quite frank, Jaedite, I'm sick of your shit. You can't even defeat the three Sailor Sen-"
"*ahem* Four."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, JAEDITE?!?"
"There's four of them now, Queen Beryl."
"WHAT?!?"
"Sailor Jupiter just APPEARED! And there are four more tuxedo men, too!"
"How is this?"
"I don't know, Beryl-sama!"
"You can't use this new Senshi as an excuse! We BARELY gained more energy than we lost! Luckily, the Senshi are all in one place, except Sailor V, and we should have just enough energy for the transfer. Tell Nephrite, Zoicite, and Kunzite to get ready."
"Yes, your Majesty."
**
"We're very, very sorry! We're afraid we have to go! But join us all tomorrow!
(morrow!)
(morrow!) On the Tuxedo Kamen SHOOOOW!"
"AAAA! Tuxedo Kamen!"
"I know it's scary, Sailormoon."
"No, some nasty people are surrounding us!"
"Oh."
Tuxedo Punchbowl was smiling, naturally red-faced. "What the hell is going on?"
"What IS going on?" Jupiter asked. "Who ARE those people?"
"They're all of Queen Beryl's Generals! I remember them from the Silver Millennuim!" Luna exclaimed.
"Nice to see you again, Luna!" Nephrite said. "Don't worry, you'll be out of our way soon enough!"
"NOW!" Kunzite yelled. The four put their hands out and a power began to grow around them.
Suddenly another Senshi appeared, with a white cat, in a poof of smoke. "What the fuck?!"
"Sailor V!" Sailormoon exclaimed.
"Not now, Sailormoon!" Mercury sighed.
"What is this?" Jupiter yelled.
"Tuxedo Kamen! Help!"
Sailormercury had her computer out and her goggles on. "They're going to teleport us!"
"Where?" Sailormars yelled.
"I can't tell! The destination is the same kind of energy reading I'd been getting before – those weird signals!"
Sailormars gasps.
Sailorjupiter gasps.
Tuxedo Kamen gasps.
Sailormoon gasps.
Sailor V, Luna, and the white cat all gasp.
"What's going on here!?" Tuxedo Top-hat yelled.
"Didn't you just hear?" Sailorjupiter yelled.
"I'm not gonna make it!" Zoicite moaned.
"Hang on, Zoicite my love! You'll make it!" Kunzite yelled frantically, compensating for Zoicite's lack of energy with more from him.
"I can see through my hand! Where am I?!" Sailormoon shrieked.
"Sailormoon!" Tuxedo Kamen called.
** **
Silence.
** **
. . .to be Continued . . .
~ Fandom: Sailormoon (first season)
~ Author: Tofumalfoy (tofumalfoy @ yahoo.com)
~ Rating: PG-13
~ Category: humor, parody-ish
~ Warnings: scattered profanity, utter confusion, hints of homosexuality (Kunzite x Zoicite, Nephrite x Jaedite), major character death (but come on, folks, it's supposed to be funny)
~ Archive: Ask and ye shall receive
~ Disclaimer: The story's mine, the characters aren't. How depressing. Except the members of "The Tuxedo Kamen Show." They _are_ mine, and that's depressing too.
~ Feedback: I am aching to know what people think of this one. Sooo . . . .pleeeeeeeeeease??? ^.^
~ Notes: This was my first-ever fic and it still manages to amuse me, though it's somewhat out-of-date now that up to SuperS has been dubbed. To anyone who didn't know, DIC was the original butcherer of Sailormoon for America and Canada.
Please also note that this fic is potentially confusing as hell, because it features the casts of both the original Japanese series _and_ the North American dub, with only slight variations as to spelling. My apologies if it's too anally spelling-dependent.
~ Vocabulary: Senshi: soldier/warrior
henshin: transform
fuku: clothes/uniform
Odango-atama: dumpling head (Mamoru's nickname for Usagi)
**
"Jaedite!"
"Yes, Beryl-sama?" The pale general appeared and bowed.
The snakelike Queen glared at him. "I am very displeased with your apparent lack of progress, Jaedite. The Sailor Senshi keep forcing you to retreat, and there are only three of them! Remember that in the Silver Millennium there were four, not to mention the Senshi representing the outer planets!"
"Hmhmhmhm," Zoicite appeared, with Nephrite and Kunzite behind him. "Jaedite, you're so weak! You can't even defeat a couple Sailor Senshi! When I get a chance at them . . ."
"Zoicite! You're supposed to be training with Nephrite and Kunzite!" Beryl hissed.
"Slut," Jaedite muttered.
"He's completed his training and is now fully qualified to be one of your generals, your majesty," Kunzite said quickly.
"Because he's a WHORE!!" Jaedite yelled.
Zoicite shrieked and the two went flying at each other, batting hands and pulling hair.
"GIRLFIGHT!" Nephrite yelled and began laughing. He and Kunzite watched with interest, gambling on who would win.
Queen Beryl's eyes flashed. "ZOICITE! JAEDITE!"
The two stopped fighting and stood up straight beside each other. Nephrite and Kunzite also recovered.
"How can you expect to defeat the Sailor Senshi if you can't even get along with each other? Jaedite, go to your room."
"Yes, your majesty." He vanished.
"Nephrite, you too."
Nephrite gave a courteous bow and vanished as well.
"Zoicite, go to Kunzite's room."
Zoicite grinned. "Yes, Beryl-sama."
"Yes!" Kunzite whispered to himself.
"KUNZITE!"
"Yes, Beryl-sama?"
"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CHANGE THAT ORDER?"
Kunzite closed his eyes solemnly.
"GOOD! Now go to your room."
"Yes, Beryl-sama." He and Zoicite vanished.
**
Usagi, Rei, Ami, and Luna were sitting on the steps near the bell at the Hikawa Shrine.
"So, tell us about those weird signals you've been receiving, Ami-chan!" Rei said.
"Well," Ami began. "On my computer I've been picking up some unusual signals, but I haven't been able to pinpoint their location! It's almost like they're not coming from this universe!
The Senshi gasp collectively.
"And they're not coming from the Dark Kingdom, either!" Luna added.
Usagi said, "Wow, you mean another universe!"
Ami and Luna got sweat-drops.
"No, you idiot!" Rei said.
Well, what DO you mean?"
"Somehow my tracking device is being blocked and reflected into empty space!"
The Senshi and Luna gasp (again) collectively.
"Well, Senshi, what are you going to do about this difficulty?" Luna asked.
"Luna, do you honestly think that Usagi could do anything to help figure out what's going on?" Rei asked.
"Rei-chan!" Ami exclaimed.
"Rei, you're always so MEAN to me!" Usagi complained.
"Yes, Rei," Luna said. "Even though Usagi is a ditzy crybaby—"
"HEY!" Usagi yelled.
". . . you must remember that she IS Sailormoon, the leader of the Sailor Senshi. She will continue to develop her skills the more we fight the Dark Kingdom."
"That's right, Rei!" Usagi stuck out her tongue at Rei, and Rei stuck her tongue at Usagi. They began arguing loudly.
Luna said, "Why don't we try to figure out where that signal is coming from, Ami-chan?"
Ami said, "In this racket? We'd be better off invading the Dark Kingdom!" Then she stood up suddenly. "OH! I forgot I still have my homework for next year to start!" She raced away.
Luna sweat-dropped.
**
"Nephrite, I don't understand why Queen Beryl doesn't put her plan into action right now!" Jaedite complained. "Those Senshi are giving me enough trouble, not to mention Sailor V in England! We need to get rid of them NOW!"
"Be patient, Jaedite. Sometimes you act so much like Zoicite that it scares me."
"You would compare me to him, Nephrite?"
"Sometimes," Nephrite replied. "Anyway, she'll begin when she's ready. It must be just the right time."
"Will it affect Sailor V as well?"
"She has said that it will, though she may change her plans. I should be finished with that Senshi soon anyway."
"I hope so."
"JAEDITE!"
"That's Queen Beryl," Jaedite said. "I'd better go."
**
"Jaedite," Queen Beryl said, looking into her orb. "I want you to start gathering energy for the transfer. We'll need a lot. Don't fail me!"
"Yes, Beryl-sama." Jaedite bowed, then vanished.
"He'd better gather enough energy for this to work. The Sailor Senshi and Sailor V must be gotten rid of!"
**
Rei, Ami, Usagi, and Luna were walking down a sidewalk. It was sunset.
"Luna, I'm tired of walking around! Can't we go home? It's almost dark anyway!" Usagi complained.
"No, Usagi, we have to keep looking!" Luna said firmly.
"Don't think we're not tired too, Usagi," Rei said.
"That's right! We're just as tired as you are Usagi-chan! But I've been picking up Jupiter energy signals have been strongest in this area!" Suddenly Ami gasped.
"What is it, Ami-chan?" Luna asked.
"The signal! It's fading! . . .it's gone."
"That means we can go home now, right Luna?" Usagi said.
Ami and Rei fell over, and Luna got a sweat-drop.
"USAGI THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!" Luna yelled.
Usagi fell over. "Don't yell at me Luna! It's not my fault I'm a delicate girl! I need lots of sleep to dream about my Tuxedo Kamen!"
"YOUR Tuxedo Kamen, Usagi?" Rei said.
"Of course!"
"Usagi-chan, you can't keep claiming him for your own!" Ami said. "Who knows, he might be a genius, just waiting for a girl with a 300 IQ to come into his life!"
"Come ON, Ami-chan! He's much too romantic to be so brainy!" Usagi said.
"Yeah!" Rei joined in. "And since when have YOU been interested in Tuxedo Kamen anyway???"
Ami got a sweat-drop. ". . .Well, er, ah, um . . ."
"HEY! EVERYBODY!" Usagi yelled. "You two can keep fighting! But Luna and I are going home so I can dream about Tuxedo Kamen!" She grabbed Luna and ran off.
**
Castanets played rhythmically in the background.
"Sailormoon . . ." Tuxedo Kamen called.
"Oh, Tuxedo Kamen!" Usagi said.
"Why didn't you tell me you were Odango-atama?"
"But . . ."
"Tuxedo Mask!" A nauseating high-pitched voice shrieked.
Both Usagi and Tuxedo Kamen turned.
"Who the hell are you?" Usagi said. "Who is Tuxedo Mask and why are you in MY Sailor fuku?"
". . .Tuxedo, don't you recognize me?" the girl asked. "It's me, Sailor Moon! This Serena look-alike must be from the Negaverse!"
Tuxedo Kamen straightened his tie and cleared his throat. "You must have mistaken me for someone else, 'Sailor Moon.' I am called Tuxedo KAMEN."
"Serena!" A voice called. It sounded like a twenty-year-old just getting a voice change.
"Chiba-san?" Usagi asked.
"Darien!" Sailor Moon exclaimed.
"Odango-atama . . .?" Mamoru said, from behind. Tuxedo Kamen was gone.
Usagi turned around again. "Chiba-san!" She, Sailor Moon, and Darien were all very confused.
"It appears that someone has made doppelgangers of us, Usagi."
". . . What's a doppel-thingy?" Sailor Moon asked.
"How did you know I'm Sailormoon?!?" Usagi shrieked.
"You're NOT Sailor Moon," Sailor Moon said flatly.
"What the hell is going on?" Darien asked.
"SILENCE!" said a voice. "I AM DIC!"
". . . What the--?" Mamoru said.
"DARIEN, THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK 'FOUR-LETTER WORDS'."
"Are you God?" Darien asked.
There was a long pause.
". . . ALMOST. I DETERMINE WHAT YOU AND SAILOR MOON SAY."
"What the ****?!" Darien said, his voice cracking.
"Wouldn't that make you God?" Sailor Moon asked.
A pause again.
". . . NOT EXACTLY . . . OH! AND I ALSO CONTROL WHAT YOUR VOICES SOUND LIKE! HAHAHAHAhaha . . ."
The voice faded away.
"What the ****?!?" Darien exclaimed in his pubescent voice. "I can't say it! What's going on here?!"
"D***!" Sailor Moon tried to say. "Now my voice will be stuck like this forever!"
"USAGI!!!!"
**
Usagi woke up. "Damn!" she said, just making sure. "Good! I'm glad THAT was all a dream! Tuxedo Kamen went away too soon, and those gross people with the weird voices were there . . ."
"USAGI!"
"What, mom? I was sleeping!"
"You're LATE!"
"What? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Goodbye, Usagi!"
"I'M LATE!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
**
Usagi stood outside the door to the classroom. "It's not fair," she sighed to herself. "It's not MY fault that I was late. It was that stupid dream! What was with that dream, anyway? I don't BELIEVE that I actually had a dream with that dumb guy Chiba in it! How DARE he come into my dreams!!"
"Usagi, I thought you were going to dream about Tuxedo Kamen!"
"AAAA!" Usagi fell over. "Luna! Don't scare me like that!"
"You should have been paying attention!"
". . .What for? There's nothing to do!"
Luna got a sweat-drop. "Ah, yes, well . . ."
"But Luna, my dream was so strange! There were two Chiba-sans and two mes, but one me was Sailormoon . . ."
". . .Usagi?"
"Huh?"
"IT WAS JUST A DREAM!"
"AAAAA!" Usagi fell over. "Don't yell at me! I know it was a dream!"
"That's good," Luna muttered.
"Luna, could you POSSIBLY be suggesting that I can't separate reality from fantasy?"
"Uh, no, Usagi, not REALLY . . .Why do you ask?"
Suddenly a hideous youma came crashing down the sidewalk. "TEACHEEE!" it yelled.
"Eeeew, gross!" shrieked Usagi. "Let's get out of here, Luna!"
"Usagi, transform, NOW!"
The youma crashed through the wall leading to Usagi's classroom. The students and the teacher all screamed.
"What are you doing in MY classroom?" Haruna-sensei tried to sound in control.
"TEACHEE!" It grabbed two of the students and began to drain their energy. "TEACHEE!" The youma grew several sets of tentacles and grabbed more children, including Naru and Umino.
"HEY! YOUMA!"
The youma turned around. "TEACHEE!?!"
"You let those students go!"
Naru looked up. "It's. . .Sailormoon!" Then she lost consciousness.
"GRAAAAAAH! TEACHEEE!" The youma dropped its prey and went after Sailormoon.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Sailormoon jumped, barely dodging the youma's attack, and landed on her butt. "Damn!" she said. "That always happens!"
"Need some help, Sailormoon?" Sailormercury!
"SailormercurAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Again she narrowly dodged the youma. "How did you get out of class?"
"I asked the teacher to let me go to the bathroom! SHABON SPRAY!!!"
"Sailormercury, now I can't see!"
"FIRE . . .SOUL!!!"
"Sailormars! How did YOU get here?" Sailormercury asked.
Sailormars got multiple sweat-drops. "ahem . . ."
The youma was recovering from Sailormars' attack, and the fog was clearing.
"Moon Tiara . . .AAAAA!"
The youma attacked her.
"AAAAAAAAA!"
"FIRE SOUL!!!"
That distracted the youma, temporarily.
Meanwhile . . .
**
Luna raced around the school with Mercury's computer in her mouth. "I know she's around here SOMEWHERE . . ." she thought.
**
"AAAAA!" shrieked Sailormars.
"AAAAA!" shrieked Sailormercury.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Sailormoon.
The youma had cornered them.
"SUPREME THUNDER!"
Bolts of lightning knocked the youma away.
"Who are you?" Sailormars asked.
"Sailorjupiter!" the newcomer said.
"Yes, Senshi, this is Sailorjupiter! She is WRAAAAAOW!"
The youma attacked Luna.
"Luna!" Sailormercury cried. "That's it! You've had it, youma! SHABON SPRAY!!!"
"Mercury, we can't see!" Mars said.
"Sorry!"
The monster was attacking, when suddenly . . .
Five roses of different colors came flying down and each hit major pressure points. The youma collapsed, but was still alive.
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailormoon squealed.
A Spanish woman played castanets in the background.
"Sailor Senshi," Tuxedo Kamen said. "It is I."
"AND . . .!"
"Everyone looked past Tuxedo Kamen at the source of the sound. Someone had shot the Spanish woman and in her place four men in tuxedos stood, one poised with an accordion. Another blew on a pitchpipe.
"Oooooh . . .We are tuxedo-suited heroes! As handsome as heroes e'er could be! Out of suit, we could be geeky zeroes! But now no one is sexier than we!"
"Could these be one of the Dark Kingdom's new youma?" Sailorjupiter asked.
"No, they're not EVIL, per se . . ." Mars said. "I don't think they're TRYING to hurt us . . ."
"TUXEDO KAMEN, SAVE ME!" Sailormoon shrieked.
The tuxedoed men continued their song.
"Our identities are secret! You'll never, never know! But for now!
(now!)
(now!) Here's the Tuxedo Kamen SHOOOOOW!"
The youma had gotten up, but was paralyzed by the horror of the song. Now it was recovering.
"I am Tuxedo Cape!" A Spaniard said, stepping forward.
"I am Tuxedo Top-hat!" One with a dark beard exclaimed.
"I am Tuxedo Cane!"
"I am Tuxedo Punchbowl!"
Together: "And we're here to AAAAAUGH!"
The youma had attacked. "TEACHEE!"
"Who are those people, Tuxedo Kamen?"
"Not now, Sailormoon! Quick, the youma was weakened by them!"
"So was I, Tuxedo Kamen!"
"HURRY, Sailormoon!" Sailormars yelled.
"Oh, Mars, you're always so MEAN to me!"
"Enough of this! FIRE SOUL!"
"SHABON SPRAY!"
"SUPREME THUNDER! You can join in any time, Sailormoon!"
"Okay, okay! MOON TIARA ACTION!"
"AARGH! TEACHEEEEYAAAAAA!"
The youma was reduced to dust.
"Now, Tuxedo Kamen, about those other guys . . ." Sailormoon began.
"Tuxedo Kamen got a sweat-drop. "Er, ah, um . . ."
**
"JAEDITE!" Queen Beryl's eyes flashed.
The cowering general appeared before her. "Yes, Beryl-sama?"
"To be quite frank, Jaedite, I'm sick of your shit. You can't even defeat the three Sailor Sen-"
"*ahem* Four."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, JAEDITE?!?"
"There's four of them now, Queen Beryl."
"WHAT?!?"
"Sailor Jupiter just APPEARED! And there are four more tuxedo men, too!"
"How is this?"
"I don't know, Beryl-sama!"
"You can't use this new Senshi as an excuse! We BARELY gained more energy than we lost! Luckily, the Senshi are all in one place, except Sailor V, and we should have just enough energy for the transfer. Tell Nephrite, Zoicite, and Kunzite to get ready."
"Yes, your Majesty."
**
"We're very, very sorry! We're afraid we have to go! But join us all tomorrow!
(morrow!)
(morrow!) On the Tuxedo Kamen SHOOOOW!"
"AAAA! Tuxedo Kamen!"
"I know it's scary, Sailormoon."
"No, some nasty people are surrounding us!"
"Oh."
Tuxedo Punchbowl was smiling, naturally red-faced. "What the hell is going on?"
"What IS going on?" Jupiter asked. "Who ARE those people?"
"They're all of Queen Beryl's Generals! I remember them from the Silver Millennuim!" Luna exclaimed.
"Nice to see you again, Luna!" Nephrite said. "Don't worry, you'll be out of our way soon enough!"
"NOW!" Kunzite yelled. The four put their hands out and a power began to grow around them.
Suddenly another Senshi appeared, with a white cat, in a poof of smoke. "What the fuck?!"
"Sailor V!" Sailormoon exclaimed.
"Not now, Sailormoon!" Mercury sighed.
"What is this?" Jupiter yelled.
"Tuxedo Kamen! Help!"
Sailormercury had her computer out and her goggles on. "They're going to teleport us!"
"Where?" Sailormars yelled.
"I can't tell! The destination is the same kind of energy reading I'd been getting before – those weird signals!"
Sailormars gasps.
Sailorjupiter gasps.
Tuxedo Kamen gasps.
Sailormoon gasps.
Sailor V, Luna, and the white cat all gasp.
"What's going on here!?" Tuxedo Top-hat yelled.
"Didn't you just hear?" Sailorjupiter yelled.
"I'm not gonna make it!" Zoicite moaned.
"Hang on, Zoicite my love! You'll make it!" Kunzite yelled frantically, compensating for Zoicite's lack of energy with more from him.
"I can see through my hand! Where am I?!" Sailormoon shrieked.
"Sailormoon!" Tuxedo Kamen called.
** **
Silence.
** **
. . .to be Continued . . .