No Need For Valentine

by Kleptomaniac Can Opener

Some holidays should be cancelled on the count of rain, figuratively speaking. [YAOI]

Over at the Yugi-Oh group, The_Millennium_Kingdom, we had a Valentine's Day Bad Fic Contest. And well, I decided to enter it!
I lost miserably. XD Too bad I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I decided to post this here since I think it's pretty funny.  Stupid, but funny.

RULES:
1) Have something to do with Valentine's Day

2) Be spell-checked and grammar-checked. You don't need a Harvard-Thesis-Paper level beta reading, but badness will be judged by content, not layout. You can be out of character, random, use a self-insert, get Bakura pregnant by a rabid squirrel monkey, but PLEASE, pay attention to spelling, grammar, and formatting.

3) Include at least 4 characters, and 3 or more of the following:

A trip to Acapulco
A Horseradish, Artichoke, and/or Eggplant
A cookie recipe
A broken leg
A hungry dog
A small child who needs changing
A mental patient
A box of crackers
The ocean
A shopping mall
A nudist
A broken water pipe
A donkey named Sam
The eye of Horus
A dead parrot
A penguin
Chocolate sauce
An Egyptian penny
A pointed stick
A lampshade

Yeah, so you see what I had to work with. ^________________^

~*~*~*~

Title: No Need For Valentine
Author: Kleptomaniac Can Opener
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Ryuji x Yugi, Honda x Jou
Spoilers: Nope, none.
Disclaimer: You wouldn't want me in control of Yugi-Oh. ^_~
Summary: Some holidays should be cancelled on the count of rain, figuratively speaking.


Yugi giggles like a little girl, keeping his eyes closed like his boyfriend requested. He giggles again when something rectangular is placed in his hands. "Okay, open your eyes." Excitement quickly turns to confusion.
"A box of crackers?" What sort of screwy Valentine present is THAT? But Ryuji merely grins more.
"Yup. It's for Mister PenPen over there."
"Mister PenPen? EEEE! A penguin!" He pounces the hapless animal. "I love him! Where'd you get him?"
"Oh...on my trip to Acapulco, of course." He decided it wasn't the time to say he got him from a runaway mental patient that he ran into at the shopping mall while on his trip to Acapulco.

Quite suddenly, a hungry dog snatches the penguin from Yugi's arms. "Nuuu! Mister PenPen!" _-^^-_

So began a grand chase of catch the doggy and his lunch!

But enough of that. Let's check on another couple.

"Why are you putting EGGPLANT in the cookies, baka?!"
"Stop yelling, ya spiky-haired bastard! It says so right there! 2 cups of brown sugar, ¼ tablespoon of vanilla extract, and one cup of diced eggplant!"
"The pages are stuck together you nut job!"
"OW! How was I supposed to know?!?!" Jou grabs the book from Honda's hands and hits him back.
"OW!" The two continue exchanging blows like a pair of boxing dummies.

"MISTER PENPEEEEEEEEEEEN!"

Jou stops in mid-punch. "What the hell was that?"
"How should I know? Shit, man. You hit like a dead parrot." Assuming dead parrots hit people.

Speaking of dead parrots, just outside of Honda's home Yugi continues chasing the dog with a broken water pipe he pulled from hammer space. Though why a broken water pipe was in hammer space instead of broken water pipe space, Yugi didn't know. Right behind the spiky boy is Ryuji. He's carrying something much safer, a pointy stick type of safer +1. He stole...er, borrowed it from a guy with a broken leg.

With a mighty throw (okay, he tripped) Ryuji sends the pointy sticky of icky doom +3 at the dog. "YIP!"

X_X = dead dog

"Mister PenPen!" Yugi snatches the bloody carcass up. "Nuuuuuuuuuuu! Mister PenPen!" _-^^-_ Blood squirts everywhere. Then pop! Something flies out of the penguin's mouth. "Oooh! An Egyptian penny!"

Honda gives the heart shaped cookies a critical eyeing. Supposedly they're sugar cookies covered in chocolate sauce. It LOOKS like chocolate sauce...and they SMELL like cookies. Well, sorta. What IS that funky smell? "Why are they so lumpy?"
"Oh, that would be the artichoke."
"Should I even ask WHY there's artichoke in the SUGAR cookies?!"
"Cause the recipe said ½ cup of artichoke cubes and a tablespoon of horseradish, stupid!"
"That's the WRONG RECIPE!!!"

On a random note, a nudist limps by with a lampshade for support because someone stole his pointy stick.

"Here's your NEW present, Yugi! A donkey named Sam!"
"Oooh! I love him!" However, Sam smells a baby that needs changing and kicks out in disgust. Too bad Yugi was in the way. He shouldn't have been admiring the Eye of Horus tied to the animal's tail.
"Ahhhhhhhhh!" SPLASH! Into the ocean he goes!
"Yugi!" Ryuji beats the donkey with the pointy stick +5 that he kept just because he likes pointy sticks, then goes rescue Yugi.

Jou snuggles against Honda in bed after a round of hot, sweaty, wild monkeys in a barrel doing the hula, sex session. "Ya know, we shoulda just done the sex thing instead of the couples bakery crap."
"No argument there."

So in the end, everyone's pretty much happy.

Then rocks fall and everybody dies.


~*~*~*~


Author's Notes:
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Um...what can I say?




Well, people? Was it bad? Was it? Was it?

^_^
MEOW!