Quintus slid a cup of coffee across the counter, calling the name written on the side as loud as he could over the noise that filled every corner of King Cog's Coffee Shop. Trying to force back the headache forming at the front of his skull, he found himself questioning his sanity in applying for his job; it wasn't that he didn't enjoy it - he loved the warmth of the shop and the smells that came with it, and spending all day with his boyfriend, Barbillus, wasn't exactly terrible - it was the constant noise that seemed to permanently live in the place that he hated. Although he himself was hardly a quiet person, that didn't mean he appreciated a seemingly 24/7 attack on his eardrums. Sometimes he feared that he'd lose his hearing before he reached thirty, and what a tragedy that would be.

He'd suffered through another half an hour before Volubilis came out of the kitchen, carrying two heavy trays full of various baked goods, and offered to take over while Quintus went out back and helped Cogidubnus with the baking. At least, that's what Quintus assumed he meant. Volubilis had recently moved over from Egypt on an exchange programme for a few months, and while he seemed like a perfectly nice guy, he couldn't speak a word of English. Quintus wasn't really sure why he was even on an exchange in the first place, but he had learned to accept Volubilis' frantic gestures and strange sounds as if they were intelligible words, and he thought they got along pretty well.

Sighing in relief, Quintus opened the red door (red, what a generic colour for a coffee shop, honestly. Quintus could have done better, he was sure) behind the counter and stepped through, relished the beautiful quiet in the room. The racket of the café was now muted and almost pleasant. A smile spread across his face, and he tilted his head back, closing his eyes.

A pair of arms wrapped around his waist, and Quintus' grin grew as he turned to face Barbillus, whose hands, face, hair and uniform were lightly dusted with flour so that it almost looked like he was covered in a thin layer of snow.

'Did you decide to go for a swim in the flour?' he snorted.

He received an affronted look in response. 'Hello to you too.'

Quintus reached up and ran a hand through his boyfriend's hair, laughing as a tiny avalanche of flour cascaded over his shoulders and onto the lino floor.

'You're an idiot, you know that?' Barbillus smiled, and Quintus shrugged and grinned smugly.

'But I'm your idiot.'

Barbillus rolled his eyes fondly, which Quintus took as an invitation to draw a smiley face into the flour on his cheek. Exasperated, Barbillus let out a quiet laugh.

'That is also true.'

Then he kissed him, and Quintus forgot all about the white powder that ended up on his face in the process.

Eventually, they were forced to break apart at the sound of Cogidubnus' cracking and reedy voice approaching from around the corner. As far as Quintus could tell, he was singing 'One Love' by Bob Marley, but that was mainly based off of the lyrics he could just about make out (the man's enunciation was truly appalling, Quintus noted with a strange feeling as though a small part of him had shrivelled and died). The melody itself was horribly off-key, and if someone's singing voice could sound like nails down a blackboard or a cat dying Quintus could guarantee that Cogidubnus' did.

'One love! One heart! Let's get together and feel all right…'

From around the corner appeared the shop owner, dressed in a flowery shirt and flares that probably weren't regulation, but he could wear what he very well liked, thank you very much, because he owned the place, literally. Atop his head perched a pair of large black glasses, the silvery hair he still had left poking out around them like the bristles of an overused paintbrush. The skin on his face had wrinkles spanning out from the sides of his eyes and randomly scattered everywhere else, and liver spots bloomed in various places. As he walked, a light shower of flour fluttered out behind him, but he seemed not to notice. To be fair, Cogidubnus didn't notice much.

'Hey there, boys,' he droned happily.

'Hi, Cogidubnus.'

The shop owner slowly shook his head, causing a few bits of white powder to fall to his shoulders. Quintus would never say it out loud, but he thought it looked a lot like dandruff.

'Boys,' the man hummed, 'how many times will I have to tell you to call me Cog, huh?'

Both Quintus and Barbillus rapidly plastered fake smiles onto their faces, and apologised, though when Cogidubnus' expression melted into one of serenity and happiness, Quintus turned his head to mutter into his boyfriend's shoulder, 'Every day for the rest of his life, more like.'

Barbillus stood on his foot, but Quintus heard him make a quiet sound of agreement. There was an unspoken understanding between them.

'Well, I guess you two are going to do some baking, yeah?' the old man said, a vacant grin on his face. 'I've left the list in the usual place – I'm going to take a break now, if that's okay with you boys.'

They nodded.

'Okay, see you boys later!'

Then Cogidubnus disappeared into the main shop, whistling the Portuguese national anthem. They'd learned not to ask.

Grabbing Quintus by the hand, Barbillus dragged him towards the kitchen, but they'd barely opened the door before a muffled yelling became audible from the main shop. They turned to face each other.

'Dear God, not again, please…' Barbillus groaned. 'This happened yesterday too. It never used to happen this often…'

Quintus threw himself at his boyfriend and rested his head on his shoulder, letting loose a moan of despair. 'I know. I don't know how I'm even related to him. I mean, what's his problem anyway? It's not like Cogidubnus even shares his stupid rivalry.'

Barbillus just pressed a sympathetic kiss into his hair. Quintus sighed and, face still on his shoulder, mumbled, 'We're going to have to go out there, aren't we?'

The other man nodded. 'Unfortunately, yes.'

'Ugh.'

'Ugh indeed. Come on, let's go get this over with.'

Quintus drew back and gave his boyfriend a grateful smile, and kissed him happily. However, Barbillus reluctantly broke it off, giving him a fond look. 'As much as I would love to continue kissing you, we both know you're just procrastinating. Come on.'

Pouting, Quintus glared half-heartedly at him, but he couldn't stop a guilty grin from spreading across his face, and he allowed himself to be led out to the front of the shop.

'WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S THE BLIND OLD IDIOT?'

Standing in front of the counter with a red face and rage in his eyes was Salvius, whose fist was, as usual, repeatedly colliding with the nearest solid object. Dressed in the black shirt, white neckerchief and dark blue apron that was the uniform of the café across the street, Mea Columba, his eyes were wildly flitting around the shop, while Volubilis was cowering in a corner muttering 'Alrrajul majnun hu aleawda' and Lucia and Poppaea frantically tried to reassure their customers that everything was fine, and that no, the angry man was not a terrorist.

As soon as Salvius caught sight of Quintus, his eyes grew wider and began to show a flicker of insanity. Lunging towards his nephew, he yelled, 'You! You know where he is, don't you? Tell me where he is. Tell me!'

Despite having been in the same situation many times before, Quintus couldn't quell the sudden need to lurch backwards away from his uncle, and he stumbled frantically into Barbillus, who gently steadied him and touched his hand comfortingly. Salvius had the looks and actions of a madman.

Quintus looked at him. 'I don't know where he is and if I did I wouldn't tell you.'

Salvius glared at him. 'What did I do to deserve such relatives? First your sister, now you. I know you know where Cogidubnus is and you're going to tell me, like it or not, or much blood is going to be flowing out of this shop.'

Lucia stepped forward. 'First of all, what did we do to deserve you as a relative? And second, why on Earth would we tell you where he is?'

'It's not like we've told you on any of your last attempts.' Poppaea added scornfully, her blonde hair falling out of its ponytail.

A muscle twitched above Salvius' eye.

'You are going to tell me because I demand that you do, and if you don't- '

Suddenly, the door slammed open and Grumio, Melissa and Clemens burst into the shop.

Melissa and Clemens sprinted towards Salvius and grabbed him by the arms while Grumio tied a scarf around his mouth as a gag, reducing Salvius' enraged ramblings to muffled angry noises. Quintus was fairly certain that it was the same one they'd used the day before.

'Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry,' Melissa cried as she tried to subtly wrestle with Salvius to keep him from throwing himself at the nearest employee. 'We weren't prepared; we didn't think it would happen again so soon.'

'It's getting worse,' added Clemens sadly, looking mournfully at the large coffee stain on his clothes from Salvius' rabid flailing.

Poppaea grabbed some tissues and began to clean up the mess of pastries and coffee that decorated the floor, pausing to kiss Grumio on her way past. The two had started dating a few months previously after Grumio had admitted his feelings for her by baking a cake in her likeness. Melissa would always insist that it was creepy, but she'd started dating Clemens after she spilled a cup of hot chocolate over his head, yelled something about possums, a cart and a ditch, then saved him from Quintus' dog, Cerberus, so nobody really cared.

Clemens sighed. 'We really ought to go back to the shop. We left Bregans and the twins in charge…'. He trailed off. Quintus looked out of the window into the other shop. Bregans was asleep on the counter while Loquax and Anti-Loquax (nobody was sure why their parents called them that) sung and danced respectively around the shop. Quintus felt Barbillus wince behind him.

'Yeah… probably.'

Grumio gave them an apologetic smile. 'Once again, sorry about that. Hopefully it won't happen again for a while.'

'Hopefully,' the others agreed, choosing to allow themselves a brief moment of optimism before they had to face the harsh reality of the situation.

It was never going to end.