A/N: I kind of forgot to upload this one. It's simply a very short look into Bellamy's psyche.
As always, I don't own anything. Please enjoy and review.
"Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer; the secret of redemption lies in remembrance." – Richard von Weizsaecker
...
Bellamy didn't like to count his ghosts.
He'd only started off with one. His mother's shade would appear to him on his darkest nights and Bellamy knew that he would not be getting to sleep once she began to whisper. The quiet night became filled with promises of no longer being alone, of soon having her daughter's company.
Chancellor Jaha became his second. Despite his reasons for shooting him and belief the man deserved it, his ghost joined his mother's in the dead of night, only on Earth he had no alcohol to block it out. The feel of another person in his arms stopped them for a time, but they always came back.
He did his best to ignore his ghosts, focusing on establishing control, protecting Octavia and understanding for the first time in his life that he liked being in charge and that he was good at it.
That was before more joined. Atom – whose suffering he couldn't even end, followed by Wells and Charlotte. Wells looked to him with the same look of disapproval of his father and Charlotte never showed her face, her back was turned whenever she appeared. What happened with Charlotte showed Bellamy how his words, his charm, could have dire consequences for others. A lesson that was reinforced when he lead his people to their deaths in his search for Octavia.
He thought he might be able to do better after Raven informs him that Jaha survived. That maybe he could start saving people rather than becoming nothing more than spectres in the dark of night.
The worst blow comes when the flares failed to reach the Ark and Bellamy realised he was responsible for 321 deaths.
He denies the charge first. The Arkers floated them, like they have done to so many others, he is not at fault for their actions. Those damn hallucinogenic nuts put an end to Bellamy's delusions. He is the reason why 321 souls – people who volunteered to save others – are dead rather than making their way to the ground where they belong.
This is the moment where Bellamy decides to do better. To stop running from his actions, the guilt and the pain. He has done monstrous things and passed them off as noble, but there is no comparison between him and those who chose death to give those they loved extra air.
Bellamy didn't like to count his ghosts, but he did. He considers those who died by his hand or by his actions and he accepts them. They are on his mind every night before he goes to sleep and every morning when he wakes. When he has time to consider his actions, he thinks of his ghosts and how he could have done better.
Bellamy remembers and he spends every day trying to make the right choice, the choice in a world where nobility can get you killed and there are no second chances. Although he struggles to sleep through the night, his ghosts are no longer a burden but simply a part of himself.