Brendan

I've messed up.

I've messed up so bad. I don't know how any of it happened, no that's a lie, I do know how it happened.

I lost you.

Since I met you Brendan you have been the only thing I have ever needed, I know you'd tell me I'm wrong, that Leah and Lucas are the things I need, but it's not true. I know you want that to be true but it's not.

See if that were true I would have stayed strong been a Dad to them, not put them through these years of hurt. That's what I've done since you've been gone, not been a Dad to them. I wanted to, god I wanted to, but without you here there was, is, a whole part of me missing.

It's like then you left that Ste Hay went with you. Your Steven and I become worse than the old one, the one you never knew, the one you would never have looked twice at.

I'm a worse version of him now. I've been slowly destroying my life, piece by piece, without you.

People keep asking me why, Tony, Amy, that I have everything to live for, but you and I know differently. I only have you, but you may as well be as far as the moon, because I can't reach you, can't see you, feel you beneath my fingers or breathe in everything that is you.

I'm not going to tell you what I've done because I don't want you to hate me, I'm scared enough if you ever do find out, because it would destroy you, this me would disgust you.

I think I've hit the bottom now. I hope I have because I can't take this any longer, the endless pain of you not being here, and it is pain, people don't understand that, how can they? It's a gut wrenching never ending blinding sea of hurt, it never ends, I do whatever I can to numb it but it just keeps on going. I want to spend my days asleep seeing you in my dreams, but that's the cruelty of this pain, it seeps into the night as well.

I'm scared for you in there, like day in day out, it cuts into my heart that the beauty of you is locked away from the world, you'd probably tell me to get lost but you are, to me anyway. When I think of you in there I can't breathe, you hate prison, it drags you down and thought of it scares me to death.

Brendan I don't know how to do this on my own.

I'm tired and scared that I can't get back from this because I honestly don't know what I'd be coming back for. You are the only thing that makes my life worth saving.

So I have a proposal, because I have to believe that what we have is worth the tears and pain. The complete and utter loneliness that hangs in my heart every day.

I have to take a chance that you will somehow know to keep this letter, not send it back like all the others before.

If you do read this, I'm sorry, so so sorry to bring you new pain, cause you hurt, but you Brendan are the only one who's ever been able to save me, so I am hoping that me writing you this letter means you will once again keep me safe. That you will protect me.

Thirty years, you got thirty years.

I can make thirty years Bren, I have too.

I've messed up these years but I have to believe that I can get through each and every one of those days to see you again. It might kill me but I won't let it, I will get through it, because I need you to come back to me, do you hear me? I need you Brendan, I fucking need you.

So I've decided to do this, to carry on. But you have to promise me, please promise me, that you will come find me. As soon as they let you out please find me Brendan, you have to find me, because I know I won't make 31.

I love you Brendan with all that I am.

Come find me, come home.

Steven.