Author's note: Set after episode 'Under the Hammer'. Spoliers. Response to a challenge of a crew member writing to a loved one at home. Usual disclaimers apply.
I failed.
The day I put on a navy uniform for the first time, I swore that I would meet every expectation that was ordered of me. I would strive toward every goal until I reached perfection. Today shattered that illusion and I question how I ever believed it.
When I was younger, I used to watch the clock tick over to midnight. It was a new day, come to erase the one just past .I wish I still believed that at the stroke of midnight things would be better, but I've learnt that life is far more complicated then that. Your actions remain with you, nothing changes until you make it and nothing will erase the past.
Today I failed them. My captain. My crew.
I stood aboard the Island Trader and watched as the smoke polluted the blue sky. This beautiful ship lurching in the water as she burned. I heard the warning sirens sound from the distance and something changed. I should have been in control. I should have checked that last container. I should have been Princess Perfect.
I remember the last time I was scared. I swore that night that I would never allow myself to be held powerless to fear again. I convinced myself that if I willed it, it could be so. But I was scared today. I can stand reserved on a deck in war, but I see smoke rising from the Hammersley, and panic consumes me.
I never considered the Hammersley anything more than a step along the way, a rung in a ladder. But this temporary situation has became something more. I don't understand the connection. The Hammersley in itself is past its prime, outdated, aging, its functional systems paling in comparison to the newly updated models. But the connection is there. Somehow it became my home. I'm not sure when.
Things have changed and I can't pretend that they haven't.
My pride ached when I reached the deck and the first words out of his lips were Ursula Morrell. Serving as his XO, maybe I'm just a glutton for pain. Occasionally, when the ship is quiet, the sea calm, I remember how things use to be. It feels like another lifetime ago, our relationship now not even a shadow of what we shared.
He used to read to me when we were ashore. He had this tattered old book that he kept upon his nightstand and he would brush through the pages, sharing those passages that had always stayed with him. "Just as I have come from afar, creating pain for many— men and women across the good green earth— so let his name be Odysseus . . . the Son of Pain, a name he'll earn in full."
A son of pain, a name he'll earn in full. I've never been able to forget that line. Never been able to forget him. But I've moved on. No matter what, he won't break me again. I no longer need him. Now that I know he doesn't need me, I can't need him.
I've made a series of decisions that have led me to where I am at this moment. It was the course I charted for myself, the way things should be, the best course of action. I can't lose that. I cannot allow myself to be derailed. Less then perfection can get this crew killed.
The Navy is being shut out on the Bright Island operation and I know Mike. He won't let this go. I don't believe his mind is in the right place, but more importantly I know that his heart lies with the Hammersley, with the crew and with the sea. He would not compromise the safety of this ship or her crew, this I know for sure. He's a modern day hero, he can't leave anyone behind.
Wishing will change nothing and I cannot allow my mistakes of today to compromise tomorrow. I need to be better. I will be better.
…
Her hand paused before she shifted her pen towards the top of the page. Eyes scanning the opening line.
Dear….
The remainder blank.
Mother
She stared at the word.
"What the hell are you thinking?" she admonished herself as she forcefully crumpled the letter in her hands. The Navy was her life. The Hammersley her home.