Um, wow. This is as close to straight smut as Ember's ever written. And she knows exactly who to blame, too. Everyone, say hello to the elusive voice of Rags to Riches, co-authoress of this story (Round Robin format is very fun...), present here for the first time on a story!

RtR: *waves shyly from behind Ember before shouting* It is so not my fault this wound up so close to smut! I completely and totally blame the corrupting influence of our school friends!

Oh well. The fact remains that when Ember and Rags to Riches get going on the perverted humor vein, there's not much that can stop it. Except getting really really graphic. That stops them both pretty quick. Yes, they both have a firm line which they will not cross. Sorry to disappoint all you lemon lovers but it is not happening. Aside from that once they get going ruuuuun because it'll be like being trampled by an army of girls running after chocolate. And that's bad. Very bad. Trust them. They know.

Anywho, this has absolutely no point and was conceived and written the first time in a single afternoon over IM. Ember then proceeded to turn it into the story that it is now with minimal editing.

And so, for the Ed/Roy fanbase the mutant penguins have so steadily developed...

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Ding

Roy Mustang woke up to the sound of his doorbell ringing.

Groaning, he looked at the clock by his bed, only to realize that it was three in the morning.

Grumbling that whoever it was had better have a good reason to be here so early, he got out of bed. Wearing only pajama bottoms and a tousled head of hair he stomped grumpily down the stairs to answer the goddamned door.

Looking out into the chilly night air, he grumbled a curse when he realized that no one was there.

Roy slammed the door shut and made his way back to bed, hoping the little ingrate had had its fun and would not come back. He did need his sleep, after all, and running up and down the stairs all night would not be conducive to a healthy night of rest.

Of course, life seemed to be against him that night. He had almost gotten to his bedroom when the doorbell rang again.

For what seemed like the thousandth time in the space of five minutes, Roy cursed under his breath. Then he proceeded to walk back down the stairs to answer the door.

Once again, no one was there. This time, though, Roy was fairly certain he could hear someone cackling in the bushes by his door. Growling, he snapped his fingers… and nothing happened. Glancing down, he cursed once more as he realized he had left his gloves upstairs.

Grimacing, he sprinted up the stairs and was halfway back to the door with his gloves in hand when the bell rang a third time.

This time Roy was understandably upset. All he wanted was to get a good night's sleep, for the love of the Gate! And so as soon as he opened the door he snapped his fingers and the bushes that had been cackling the second time the bell had rung were soon surrounded by flames.

Unfortunately there were no screams accompanying the death of his bushes, so Roy knew he had missed the idiot that wouldn't stop ringing his doorbell. Next time, he reassured himself. Next time that idiot would fry.

Filled with a newfound determination, he grabbed a chair from his dining room and settled down to wait for the next time said idiot attempted to ring his doorbell.

It came within the next minute, and Roy sprinted to the door as fast as he could, determined to settle this once and for all. Preferably with a nice barbeque.

Throwing the door open, he noted that there was once again no one there. So Roy snapped his fingers again, this time unintentionally setting half his yard on fire. Again, there were no screams. However, there was something Roy could work with.

Roy saw a flicker of golden hair run away from a tree that had been set ablaze.

Roy now had two options. First, he could hunt down every blond person in the city and set them all on fire, in the effort catching the one who had disrupted his sleep.

However, even in his exhausted and irritated state of mind, Roy knew that the better option would be to follow the blond he had just seen and hope to find out who the hell had made him wake up so damn early.

And so with no regard to proper dress Roy bolted out the door. He didn't even put on shoes or slippers before following the blond.

Which meant, of course, that the blond instantly took off for the woods.

Growling curses each time he stepped on a branch, Roy kept himself going by imagining exactly what he would do when he caught whoever it was.

Suddenly he heard a short yell up ahead. Grinning, he ran faster, hoping the immature creature had tripped over a root and fallen. He wasn't disappointed, and in short order the idiot blond was pinned against a nearby tree before Roy even had any idea who he was.

His eyes widened as he took in the appearance of the one pinned to the tree. Leather pants, black T-shirt, red jacket, blond hair that smelled deliciously of lemons…

"Ed?!" he gasped as he realized exactly who had forced him awake so rudely at three in the morning. "What the hell?!"

Roy slowly loosened his grip that had kept Ed pinned to the tree, unable to resist surreptitiously smelling Ed's hair one last time. He had intended to cook whoever it had been over a slow fire rotisserie-style, but for some reason he found he was incapable of doing that to Ed when he looked so obviously afraid for his life.

And so Roy went for the kinder-but-more-awkward approach. "So, umm, Ed… what exactly were you doing at my house at three in the morning?"

Ed's eyes were wide and innocent. "What do you mean? I was just walking here when all of a sudden I fell over and next thing I knew you'd… pinned me to a tree," he finished with an odd look on his face.

Roy felt his prior frustration beginning to return. "Look, cut the crap, Ed. I know you were ding-dong-ditching me, so fess up!"

Ed maintained his innocent expression, adding a little sympathy to the mix. "Ding-dong-ditching? Someone did that to me just last week. It sucks, doesn't it? Want help catching whoever did it? Maybe it was the same person and we can both kill whoever it was."

Roy instantly blamed the sentiment on his current state of sleep deprivation, but he was actually beginning to believe Ed. No one could have such innocent eyes after ding-dong-ditching a house at three in the morning.

And so with an exhausted sigh he said, "All right. Let's catch whoever did this."

However, his suspicions were instantly aroused once more when Ed began to smirk. Soon Ed found himself pinned to a tree once more as Roy leaned in close. "Hey look," he said quietly, his warm breath brushing against Ed's forehead. "Thanks for helping, Ed, but I'm pretty sure I found him. Funny, isn't it? Now I can move on to the punishment… any ideas?"

Ed's eyes widened, but he didn't look too afraid as he breathed out, "No idea. Maybe you should get creative."

Unknowingly Roy leaned in even closer. "Hmm, this could take a while. I'm not exactly feeling very creative with so little sleep," he whispered seductively near Ed's ear.

Ed's hands migrated to Roy's shoulders as he leaned into Roy and said, "Maybe I can help, then."

Roy smirked. "What did you have in mind?" he breathed huskily as his own hands made their way to Ed's waist, seemingly of their own accord. He certainly hadn't told them to do that, not that he minded.

"Hmm, I'm not sure yet," Ed murmured breathlessly as he moved even closer. "Maybe we should go back to your house and discuss strategy."

Roy's mind shut down instantly, and with a feral growl he grabbed Ed's hand and began running back towards his house as fast as he had originally run from it. He couldn't help but smirk as he ran. This was a strange and unexpected turn of events, but he could work with it. And he would certainly make sure to punish Ed in the exact ways he had nonverbally specified.

However, Roy realized with a groan that punishing Ed would have to wait. In his haste he had not put out the half of his yard that was on fire, and it was still merrily flickering away. Luckily, however, it had not made it to his house yet. Furious at the delay, he quickly put out what was left of the fire before returning his attention to the blond beside him who he was suddenly viewing in a whole new light.

Admittedly, Ed's body language had been incredibly forward and very obvious. However, Roy still had to make sure this was what Ed really wanted. Tucking a strand of Ed's delicious-smelling hair behind his ear, he asked simply, "You sure?"

Ed had clearly had it with all this talking, as his only response was to tug Roy's head down to his in a passionate kiss, whimpering delightedly as he ran his tongue across Roy's lower lip.

For one brief moment, shocked by Ed's rather forward actions, Roy froze. Quickly realizing just what was going on, he melted into Ed, turning up the heat of the kiss until it was all they could do to stay clothed in the yard.

Ed pulled away with a smirk before pulling Roy into his house as quickly as possible.

As soon as they were both inside and the door locked, Roy smirked at Ed. "Good," he murmured. "Now the real punishment can begin. You can start by cleaning—"

Roy was cut off as Ed pressed up against him, growling.

Ed had the right of it. That was more than enough talking. And so Roy picked Ed up, ignoring the squeak of protest, and flew up to his room. As soon as they crossed the threshold Ed kicked the door closed and they proceeded to spend quite some time in bed without falling asleep.

Later that morning Roy stroked Ed's sleeping head gently. Never in his life had he been so glad for a ding-dong-ditcher. However, Ed was definitely going to help him redo his scorched front yard. After all, it had been his fault, the damn dwarf with his lemon-scented hair.

With a catlike yawn Ed woke up and drowsily pressed himself closer to Roy, clearly intent on going back to sleep in this comfortable position as quickly as possible.

Roy smiled at the action. "Good morning, O One Who Will Fix My Yard," he said, his smile becoming a smirk.

Ed started. "What?!" he demanded, glaring sleepily at Roy. Evidently he had no plans of doing that.

Roy continued to smirk. "You're the one who caused my yard to burn, little ding-dong-ditcher. You're fixing it."

Ed, apparently finding Roy's smirk contagious, began to smirk himself. "Admit it," he demanded, "you've never been so glad to be woken up at three in the morning."

Roy pulled Ed closer, tightening the arm around his waist. "I haven't. That doesn't stop me from making you fix my yard, though."

Admittedly, however, he didn't care all that much about the yard. It was just the principle of the thing.

Ed looked at Roy coyly. "How 'bout I do something else instead?" he asked, pressing his body against Roy's.

Roy smirked as Ed proceeded to roll on top of him. "You can do that too, if you want. You still have to fix my yard, though."

"I could just not do anything, including that," Ed threatened.

Roy sighed before flipping Ed over. It wasn't like he cared too much about the yard anyway.

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RtR: Ah, good read! Good read! I wonder who the awesome people who wrote this are…

E: I swear to you I have no idea. Can't have been us.

RtR: No, not at all. We wouldn't write anything like this.

E: Nope, never. We write boring fics with no plots and minimal interaction.

RtR: Like this: The boy went to the market. The end.

E: Yup! Oh, wait. People will be wanting some kind of actual comment here, not just one of our conversations. So… *clears throat* make sure to review and all that jazz. I mean, come on. I hate that button because it's soooooo ugly, but it's impossible to miss!

RtR: Admit it. It's fugly.

E: Yes that it is. However, we cannot insult the button like that in front of other people.

RtR: Yes we can.

E: …Oh crap we just did, didn't we?

RtR: See?

E: Oh well. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a hot date with Ed and Roy (yes, at the same time) to get ready for.

RtR: And I've got a hot date with my cat because that is the extent of my social life.

E: You really need an improvement. Maybe invite Havoc over so you can kill his smoking habits and be left with someone who really isn't so bad-looking?

RtR: Maybe, though I'd have to threaten him with my spork and flying monkey armies in order to be certain he never ever smokes again.

E: Oh, they're here! Bye, even though we won't be going very far, if you catch my drift...

RtR: Bye all you potential reviewers! Nice to actually contribute a real story!