I was bored. So take this as a token of my bordom. Sorta sad. But there will be another chappie up, no worries. A very short two shot.
Disclaimer: Why do i bother with this anymore?
Fourth Time's The Charm
The first time Castiel had died, Dean had felt a great swell of emotion in his chest. Here was a powerful celestial being, giving his life for Dean, letting Dean get a head start on the forces of Heaven. He had felt honored. He had felt excited. He'd felt a great amount of respect.
He had also felt a small pang of regret that ate away at him as he ran for Sam. There was some affection to be held for a greater being that gave his life for you.
And maybe even something more.
Either way, it had been a relief when he had come back.
The second time Castiel had died, Dean had only felt anguish. Anguish and a strong sense of not being good enough for someone who deserved his all. For someone who had already died on his behalf and was doing it again. He felt anguish, because the only person that had never stopped believing in him had just stopped. He felt anguished because it was his fault.
He felt anguished because he had learned to love the angel, and here he was, telling Dean that he didn't have the same amount of faith in him that Sam did, even though he was once again going to die on Dean's behalf.
When he had come back this time, Dean had almost sighed, 'I love you,' in relief on the phone. But he wasn't one for chick flick moments and he absolutely blamed himself for the turn of events that had left his angel mostly human and in need of someone, anyone to hang onto. And Castiel didn't even love him back so…what the hell? But there was happiness in there too that he was back, extreme and utter happiness. And if Dean would send him the odd wink once in a while, Castiel sure as hell wasn't complaining.
The third time Castiel had died, Dean could only feel traumatized. Traumatized because he had just seen the angel he loved blown to bits and pieces by the Devil in his baby brothers skin. Traumatized because he didn't know how to react to that, since he had been absent the first two times it had happened. Traumatized because the man he considered his father was next to go. Traumatized because his brother throwing himself, his adversary and Michael in the pit had followed directly afterward.
Traumatized because for the first time in his life, he was truly alone.
And then, he had felt that warm hand on his shoulder, had realized that Cas was back that Bobby was back, but that he couldn't concentrate because Sam wasn't. And then Bobby had left. And then Castiel had left, his Cas, leaving for Heaven and abandoning Dean to the world.
So he went to Lisa.
And then she asked him to leave.
Because Sam was back, had been back and Dean wanted to be with him.
Then Sammy was all wrong of course and he had called Cas and the angel had listened and Dean realized he'd never stopped loving him but that the angel was still the same oblivious being although sometimes when he caught his eye…
The fourth time Castiel died, was the first time Dean actually reacted correctly to the situation. It was their first hunt after Sam had gotten his soul back and the angel had agreed to help on the hunt only because Raphael was on his tail and the Winchester Brothers were considered sanctuary to the rebel angel.
And then, he had failed him. Raphael had found him anyways and instead of trying to protect Cas, Cas, as always, had tried to protect him.
And had been killed.
For real Angel Killed.
Angelcide.
Horrible.
And Dean had let everything out as he held onto the dead body of an angel that was no longer in existence. He had cried, cried tears of sorrow and guilt and shame, cried tears of regret. Had whispered how much he loved him into that dead ear and cradled that empty body to his chest as Sam, perfectly imperfect Sam, had stood by and watched at a loss, since he had always known, always seen.
And Dean, poor, poor Dean, was left to realize that this time, Castiel wasn't coming back. This time, Dean really wasn't going to see those blue eyes again.
And this time, Dean was really, truly alone.
Somewhere in the inky dark place where all angels go when they die, Castiel heard Dean's last parting words to him.
I love you, I've always loved you.
He could only wish that he could say, Dean, I love you too.
And then suddenly, he felt a tug at his chest and thought oh, no.
Here we go again.
To be continued….
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For you?