Zea's Contest

Disclaimer: I dont own the nintendo characters, and all OCs are used with permission.

"Are you sure you want me to rescue him?" asked the redheaded swordsman. "Cause he seems to be giving Zea a pretty hard time." 'Him' in this case, referred to Marth, Zea's ex-husband. "Aww...Roy! Even though I kill you over and over again, you still manage to care about my feelings? That's so sweet!" answered Zea. "But, sadly, you have to do the dare or it might make viewers angry." Roy nodded and winked charmingly at Arynne, who swooned a little. "Well, I guess I'm off, then." And so Roy set out on his long quest to find the princess Marth (WTF?) and slay the evil dragon Ness.

Roy travelled for an hour without incident before coming to a fork in the road. There was a sign on either side of the road, both saying that their respective paths led to the dragon's tower. Roy groaned. "Damn, I knew I should've brought a map." There was no way of knowing which was the correct path without choosing one and continuing. After digging through his bag one more time, he finally decided to flip a coin. "Heads, I go left, tails, I go right" he thought to himself as he tossed the metal disc into the air. It landed with a thud, and Roy bent down to see. "Heads it is, then", he said as he put the coin in his bag and set out once more. He quickly made his way into desert country that seemed to go on forever. "Good grief, it's hot", he muttered as he took a long drink from his canteen. He walked for hours, not really sure if he was making progress at all. As the sun was setting he made his way out of the desert and came to another split in the trail, with a sign on each side, just like the last time. As he was getting his coin from his bag, he noticed a bush by the side of the road, with beautiful yellow blooms. But it wasn't just the color that caught his eye, it was the familiarity. "That looks like the same bush...", he pondered. As he looked around him, he realized that many things were in the same position as the previous fork, such as the group of trees in the distance, and the way the mountains were aligned on the horizon. "You gotta be shittin' me", he whispered. He had gone in one massive circle, and used up most of his water in the process. Decidedly irritated, he picked up his pack and headed down the right path.

He made camp not long after that, since he didn't care to travel in the dark. As he unrolled his sleeping bag, and laid his sword next to it, he added logs to the fire, and wondered just how far away this tower was, and when he could return to the people he cared about, the fact they tortured him notwithstanding.

The next morning Roy got up, stretched, and looked around. He went to make some breakfast over the smoldering fire, but his bag wasn't were he had left it the night before. After a thorough search of the campsite had turned up nothing but some strange footprints, he rolled up his sleeping bag and realized his sword was missing as well. "All, right", he growled, "now I'm really pissed off." He put out the fire and began to track the footprints.

They lead a rather confused and meandering trail, and there seemed to be a lot of them, but eventually they led him to the group of trees he had seen earlier. They were harder to follow, but he only had to go a little further before they disappeared right by a huge tree. Roy looked around carefully, but couldn't figure out what happened. Then he looked up, and saw his bag suspended from a branch high in the tree. Roy quickly figured out a way he could climb up, and began to ascend the massive trunk. He wasn't worried about a branch breaking, for they were all thick and healthy. When he finally reached his bag, he noticed that this branch was dead, even though all the others were live and well. Suspecting a trap, he carefully eased his bag off the branch. As soon as he had it off, he put it over his shoulder and started climbing down. Then he heard a crack, and a large branch fell past him. Roy still hadn't found his sword, or he would've drawn it. He looked up and saw that all the branches were breaking off from the top down, which made no sense, but Roy was more concerned with getting off this tree as swiftly as possible. He was several hundred feet off of the ground, a fall from this height would be fatal. "Shit!" he swore, as he realized that he wouldn't be able to make it all the way down. He increased his speed, but in his haste he didn't see the footlong limb plummeting straight towards him. It hit him square on the wrist and pain shot through his arm, making him lose his grip. He desperately held on with his good hand, but the branch he was holding snapped off like the rest, and he fell 50 feet to the ground. Woozy, he tried to get up but was being hammered on by other branches falling. He tried to crawl out of the way, but then a branch hit his head and everything went dark.

Smoke. He smelled smoke. He tried to open his eyes but the effort was too great. More of his senses returned and he felt himself moving. He could hear nothing. Time to give his eyes another try. With great effort he forced them open. After adjusting to the bright sunlight, he realized that he was on a wooden platform that was moving over the ground. There was a lit torch on each corner of the platform, which explained the smoke. He tried to sit up but was held back by something. He looked at himself and saw he was completely tied down. He also noticed his wrist had been bandaged. Now he could hear what sounded like the shuffling of many feet underneath him. "Water", he whispered. There was no response. "I need water", he rasped a little louder. The movement ceased, and a wooden cup was passed up to him. He drank, then asked, "Who are you? Why are you-" He was cut off as a small brown creature waddled out from underneath. Roy stared in amazement. He had never seen one in person, but had heard enough about them from Mario for there to be no doubt as to what this was. Standing before him, was a Goomba. The Goomba muttered to itself before speaking to Roy in a squeaky, yet deep voice. "Goombas need sacrifice. Big sacrifice make monster leave alone. You big sacrifice." Roy paled. This wasn't sounding good. He cleared his throat. "What sort of monster? And why don't you fight it?" "Too powerful. Big teeth and wings and fire to destroy everything." answered the Goomba. Starting to catch on, Roy started making a plan. "So by giving me to it, you think it'll leave you alone? Why not let me fight it?" The Goomba looked confused. "No weapon" Roy rolled his eyes. "That's because you took my weapon. If you gave it back, I could free you from the monster." The Goomba's eyes lit up. "You kill monster? You free Goombas?" Liking the progress he was making, he smiled encouragingly. "Yes, and to prove it, I'll bring you it's head when I'm done." The Goomba frowned. "If fail, monster know we help. Monster kill all Goombas." Roy got that look in his eye. "I won't let that happen. I promise" The Goomba considered it for a moment, then barked out some gibberish to the others below the platform. Immediately the platform was set down and Goombas were swarming all over him cutting ropes. As soon as he was free, they all scuttled back the way they came, the leader turning and calling out. "Much luck!" Roy watched them hurry into the distance before looking around, seeing his sword next to the platform, and sheathing it before continuing the way they had been taking him. "The dragon wants me," thought Roy, "that's exactly what it'll get."

He passed through the mountains without incident, though at times he could've sworn he felt eyes on him. But with a dragon to fight and a jackass to rescue, he couldn't worry about that. Before he was through, he realized his wrist no longer hurt. He had been worried that it was sprained or even broken, but it seems it was a minor wound. After removing the bandage he ascended the last hill, and gasped. "Now THAT," he breathed, "is one big f*ckin' tower." It was wider than Zea's studio, and taller than the mountains. It was incredible. And Marth was somewhere inside. "This is it.", he said to himself. He took off at a run for the tower, keeping low to stay out of sight. And the dragon Ness watched him the whole time.

Roy reached the tower, and began to scale the wall. The rock was unevenly assembled, providing plenty of handholds. It wasn't long before he reached the window and hauled himself inside. There were no signs of life anywhere as he walked the halls, his sword drawn. The tower would take hours to search. Roy smirked. He had expected this and packed accordingly. Digging through his bag, he found what he was looking for. A whistle Zea had given him, it produced an awful sound only audible to douche bags. He put his lips to it and blew.

-Back at Zea's studio-

Everybody was pretty bored waiting for Roy. Zea was doing her nails, Arynne and Zelda had gone shopping, and Kite was... never mind. You probably don't wanna know. All of a sudden shrieks of pain ripped through the serenity. Zea ran out of her room to see Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, and Kite clutching their heads and screaming in agony. Arynne ran in, with Zelda right behind her. "What's going on?", she yelled. "I'm not sure, but it might be Roy's douche bag whistle!" Zea called back.

-In the dragon's tower-

Roy listened carefully, but heard nothing. That meant one of three things. The whistle could be malfunctioning. Not likely, as it was never used before Zea gave it to him. It could mean that Marth wasn't a douche bag and thus not affected. Clearly impossible. The only other explanation was that Marth wasn't in the tower. Just then a roar sounded and something huge smashed into the tower, making Roy lose his balance and stagger against a railing. As he tried to steady himself, the tower took another blow, throwing Roy over the railing and nearly to his death, but he grabbed on just in time. He heard a tremendous rumble as the tower's foundation began to give way. Roy felt gravity shift as the tower started to tip. He desperately scrambled back to the floor and did his best to get back to the window, which was getting harder by the minute as the tower continued to fall. He grabbed the ledge finally and pulled himself through. Roy ran to the corner of the now horizontal tower and leapt for all he was worth, rolling as he hit the ground. The tower landed with a thunderous crash, and Roy straightened to catch his breath. Only then did he realize that his sword was missing. "Oh, no.", he groaned. He must've dropped it in the tower! He was going to start searching through the rubble when he heard a whoosh above him and instinctively dropped to the ground just as a massive form soared inches above him. Roy reached up and grabbed onto it's tail, letting it lift him into the air. As soon as it cleared the cloud of dust, Roy was able to get a good look at it. "Oh...my...god!" was all he could say. Ness was huge and scaly and red, with massive leathery wings and spikes all along it's back. Roy noted that the beast was still wearing Ness'es hat. Then the dragon turned it's head to look at him and Roy almost let go in surprise. Ness had kept his human head as well as his hat, though it had grown to fit his reptilian body. "Well it's about time you got here!" Ness said. "I am so sick of hearing Marth's whining" "So then let me kill you and let's be done with it!" replied Roy. Ness smiled to reveal much deadlier teeth than he previously had. "I don't think so. Whether you kill me or I kill you, we all go back to the studio as soon as one of us wins." He let out a puff of smoke. " So I'm gonna take you to see Marth, then kill both of you." Roy was now definitely worried. He had no sword, and no effective weapons in his bag.

Ness flew to the top of a mountain and dropped Roy hard on the ground. The monster marched over to a group of rocks and pushed one aside, revealing... "Marth!" called Roy. Marth lifted his head and saw who was speaking. Roy was taken aback, despite his mental fortitude. Between the ashen, exhausted look on his face and the dirty, ripped dress, Marth looked very pathetic. Roy started to say something but Ness descended on Marth and swallowed him whole, before turning on Roy. Roy gulped and dug through his bag for something, anything, he could use. Then he saw it, Marth's sword lying among the rocks. Ness advanced on him. "Let's finish this" he growled. Roy wracked his brain, until suddenly, it came to him. He grabbed his whistle from his bag and blew.

Inside Ness, Marth had given up completely. He sighed to himself and sat down to wait. Then the pain set in, excruciating and unbearable. He screamed.

Ness was nearly on Roy when the screaming began. Ness flinched in surprise, and Roy took his chance. He dashed past Ness towards the sword, hoping he had enough time. He was so close, almost there when Ness landed in front of him and knocked him off his feet with a single swipe. Ness lunged for Roy, who rolled but was pinned down by the dragon's foot. Ness moved in for the kill, but was knocked off course by a small figure that crawled all over Ness, biting as it went. Ness roared and went after the thing, but it was quick and agile. Roy heard a rumble, and looked around. On every side, Goombas were scaling the cliff and attacking Ness. Roy couldn't help but grin as he ran for the sword. He snatched it off the ground and swung with all his might, just as Ness turned to look...

In the studio the next day...

Roy came in with Marth slung over his shoulder and Ness'es head in hand. "I'm back!", he called. Marth rolled his eyes. "Whoop-de-doo. Now put me down." Roy shook his head in disgust. "Fine, princess!" he said as he threw Marth against the wall and went to find a drink of water.

THE END