How I Met Your Mother-"The Never Ending Story…"
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended
Summary: Ted fesses up the rest of the story to his kids. And others…
Note: Before you jump on me if you prefer to stick to ending one as aired, fine by me. But they did create an upbeat alternate ending which can be viewed (sorry can't put the web link up on ffnet but try google search or youtube or go to my Buffy Rebecca verse in a few days.)
And oh, come on. After that Canadian rehersal dinner and the proposal, how could Barney ever let Robin go? And you know she'd kill him first. You want "in the real world", fine…Robin's not right for him and Ted's a fool to risk his happiness over the wrong girl but the right best friend
Prologue…
"And that kids, is the story of how I met your mother…"
Pause…
Long pause…Staring at stunned looks.
Awkwardly long pause…
Hmmn…Should I suggest ordering pizza?
….
"That's bull, dad. And you suck." Luke fumed.
"What…?" the narrative voice of Ted Mosby…His 'Bob Saget voice'…Stunned.
"This whole stupid story was one long tale about how much you want Aunt Robin. And it totally dissed Mom. Our. Dead. Mom." Penny glared.
"And it's a lie…Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney are still married." Luke noted. "Yeah, they fight a lot, especially when they think no one's watching but they're crazy about each other. They have three kids now, thanks to Uncle Barney getting her into that clinic in Toronto. Get your head outta your ass, Dad. Aunt Robin loves you but not that way."
"Kids? Kids…" As they rose, shaking heads and heading out the front door.
"Poor Mom." Penny sighed as Ted looked to her at the door as she paused. "She always knew, that's why she took so long to marry you. Which was only for us. Wish she hadn't bothered. It sucks being your kids, you selfish loser." She slammed door.
Uh…
But…
Cut to sheepish, forlorn 2030 Ted. Life in ruins, glumly sitting on bench of his porch like Michael Corleone at the end of "Godfather II", only more tragic.
Ok, maybe killing your brother and cutting yourself off from the woman you love forever and forcing the suicide of your dad's best friend might be a tad more dramatic…But I would argue that at least he kept his kids.
Till "Godfather III"…But hey, who cares about "Godfather III"?
Yes, my life in ruins…My wife's memory betrayed, my kids hating me forever.
No doubt Barney, my betrayed best friend…And Robin, my betrayed other best friend and ex-, sorta…Hating me as well, once my tale got told.
"There's no patching this tattered and broken Bro Code, this time. You will be expunged from brodom forever, ex-bro." glare.
"What my wife-bro says so brorightly, ex-bro." Barney nods, shaking head.
Aw…Robin and Barney beaming at each other…
Hmmn.
Maybe recording this thing for practice and burning a CD copy to have Lily and Marshall review wasn't such a good idea.
Stop…Lets try this again.
"Ok…" narrative voice sighs as 2030 Ted vanishes with house. "That's not what really happened. But I felt guilty over that other ending I fantasized. It was cruel to Tracy and to Barney, who, yes, has been a loving husband to Robin all these years. And yes, he did find that Dyad group, (yeah the one in the papers for certain possibly unethical experiments years ago but that was all over, we hope, by then), while he and Robin travelled the world for her job, and they found a way to impregnate her, yes with her own and Barney's offspring (tested, yes…Robin reported on the Dyad scandal, after all…) and they do have three kids. Robin, who so long denounced the very idea of having kids, risked her life three times to have Barney's kids. Insisting over Barney's increasingly desperate pleas, that, eh, one more couldn't hurt.
After all, the world had to have a Barney Stinson, Jr… To keep women on their toes, at least. As Robin put it.
Which did lead to a tricky situation which I might as well tell you kids about now, long as I'm getting to the real story. See, after all that risk, Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney were anxious to secure their childrens' futures…"
("Ted, Tracy…It's not that we don't love you both." 2020 Robin, in gown for upcoming interview with Senator in DC, diplomatic tone as she and Barney sat on sofa in the living room of Ted's home. "And I am sure that Luke will grow up to be a wonderful boy who'll make some girl very happy like his now legal dad." Winning…Award winning…Smile.
"Cab'll be here in fifteen minutes, honey. Ellie is marrying Marvin Erickson." Barney, decisively...And by Robin's own, fond admission, far better dressed, despite her gown. "It's done, folks."
"Done?" Ted stares. Tracy in chair in living room holding Luke in her arms, stunned look.
"Ellie is eight months old. Marvin's a little kid." Ted, blinking.
"So? You offered Luke in marriage to our daughter." Barney noted. "We considered your proposal, weighing all factors, and went with the legend…Wait for it for twenty one years…dary one."
"You offered Luke in marriage to Ellie?" Tracy eyed Ted.
Uh… "It was a…Joke…One night at the bar…That time you had to work on a paper." sheepish tone.
(Ok, it actually seemed a pretty neat idea at the time after four beers. A dad wants the best for his son, right?)
…Wait.
"You're taking Marvin Erickson over our son? He's the 'legendary' betrothal?"
Well, ok…Marvin Erickson…
Wait…Grim stare…
"You're trying to cut my Penny out of her betrothal to Marvin?" Ted fumed. "And when did Lily and Marshall…?"
So much for Lily's…"Oh, come on Ted, it's much too soon to be settling Marvin's and Penny's lives for them"…
Damn them! He slammed fist on chair arm.
"Oh, they haven't…Yet." Robin, shrugging… "But they'll be on board. I mean…Who could refuse our Ellie as a daughter-in-law?" confidence rapidly crossing to smugness.
"Of course I expect Marshall will want a few cows included in the dowry…" Barney noted.
Knew I should have offered cows…Oh, Penny. How could I have screwed up like this?
And let…Ellie Scherbatsky-Stinson win the Marvin. Over my beautiful daughter…
But it's not a done deal yet…And the game is not over. Narrow-eyed look to Barney and Robin, returned.
"You're arranging a marriage for your baby girl?" Tracy, blinking. "And Ted! Ted,I'm including you in this, don't you trying sneaking off to make comfort food for me." Grim look, big teeth set.
"No, ma'am." Ted, frozen in step.
"It's only logical." Barney insisted. "Given the quality we've observed of males available to Ellie. The terrifying examples of both my amazing if sordid career of hitting on everything female moving versus quote nice guy unquote Ted's sad and pathetic blundering about for years for true love, mixed, Ted must admit, with a few unquestionabl y asinine moments where he treated young women in ways that left me rather shocked, sir..." righteous look to Ted. Shocked, sir, Robin echoed. "And the rareness of truly perfect son-in-law material of Marshall Erickson caliber…What choice do we have but to resume the timeless and, more importantly, ever-successful system of parent arranged life hook-ups."
"It is a rough world out there." Robin agreed. "We can't let the best slip away."
"But Marvin? Over our Luke? And Ellie? Over my Penny girl?" Ted, beginning to fume. "And, you, Barney Stinson, are claiming I treated some of the women I dated…?" pause as Barney and Robin eye Ted.
Flashbacks to Ted behaving asininely….With several women.
"Oh, right…"
"And you know why it was worse." Robin, grimly.
"Because Barney always dumped them cold with thanks for a great bang and no chance of a future whereas I…" Ted, sighing.
"Ted." Grim tone. "Leave this to me." Tracy, eyes narrowed for battle.
"Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am." Ted, frozen again. "It was only a couple of times, when I was really hurting over other wome…Or my stalled career…Or both…
I did call them when you told me to." Plaintive tone.
"We've discussed this." Tracy explained. "Ted's made his amends."
"Ha, ha, ha…Ted's got in trouble…" Robin chortled.
"Just startin' for you, babe." She noted to a slightly disappointed Barney. "You come in now."
"Ha, ha, ha, ha…Yeah, big trouble." Barney beamed. "Ho, do I detect a few apron strings about the mighty Mosby?" Barney, guffawing.
"Ok. What do I say about riding Ted over his whipped ness in his own house beyond one quick series of 'Ted's in trouble, ha, ha, ha?" Robin hissed as Tracy glared.
"Yes, I mean, no..Ma'am." Barney nodded. "We do it at home or with Lily and Marshall so Tracy doesn't get all bristley like she's getting now. Or with Tracy too if she's a little mad at Ted and starts in on him."
"Enough, both of you." Frown. "And only when I'm really mad at you and kinda drunk, honey. Are you two crazy?" Tracy shook head. "Arranging marriages for your infants…"
"Why not? These days we enroll kids in college at birth." Barney noted. "And we want the best for our precious Elle girl. Hey, I would note Ted tried to cut in ahead of us…"
"Our sweetest Elle girl." Robin, cooing to smartphone in hand on which video of infant Ellie Scherbatsky-Stinson is displayed.
"Our mir…Wait for it…acle baby!" both in unison, body slapping.
"Gotta get that in before we go in for numero two…When it becomes a bit more routine." Robin, happily. "Only if the doctors swear absolutely no risk on an interview on your show." Barney insisted.
"Of…Course…" Robin lied, nodding earnestly to Barney's grim frown.
Baby…Miracle two baby…She pleaded, telepathically. Hey. It's all your fault for making it possible, my angel-knight.
Plllleasseee. I won't die, this time not even for one minute like with Ellie. I promise. I…Promise…Telepathic stroking…I promise you the sex to celebrate preggers two will be so legend…Wait for it till my break in three weeks when I can get implanted…dary, you won't even…
Yes I will. Barney, grim return. How legen…
Very…dary. Robin, beaming.
I see the interview, on your program, going nationwide…Barney frowned.
"And you haven't told Lily or Marshall about this 'little arrangement'?" Tracy eyed them.
Hmmn…The two stared.
Oh, right. Still with other people.
We'll mentally communicate about this later.
"Our Luke isn't…Our Penny girl, sleeping angelically upstairs, dreaming of her parfait knight errand, Marvin is to be denied…?" Ted…
"Sorry." At Tracy's glare…
"They'll be solid on it." Barney, breezily now. "Look, guys. I'm sure Luke will be a fine guy, a real Sir Ted of Mosby. Which for many a girl is just fine…Terrific."
"'Just fine…'?" Ted.
"And Penny is wonderful…But come on…" Robin, happily smug.
"Ted."
"Oh, come on Tracy…" to her look. "They're dissing our kids…And I think, me."
"Lily isn't arranging a marriage for Marvin with Ellie." Tracy, calmly. "Though we will discuss the said 'dissin' in a bit."
"What? Why not? Have you heard something?" Robin and Barney in unison.
Ooohhh…They eyed each other.
What a team we are.
"Trace?..." Ted eyed his wife's smug look.
"You…Didn't." Barney, cold stare at Tracy's Mona Lisa smile.
"No…" Robin, rage on face, pulling phone.
"What?" Ted blinked.
Oh my God.
"Tracy? You arranged a marriage for Penny?" he stared as Robin frantically dialed, Barney at her side anxiously urging her to dial faster.
"A marriage without telling me? With the son of Marshall Erickson?" Ted gasped.
"Don't worry. I'm big-hipped for my size." Tracy grinned. "Penny will manage."
You wonderful girl…Ted beamed.
"Marshall! Put Lily on the phone! Now!" Robin cried.)
I suppose I should include their betrothals in my actual tale to the kids. Haven't really felt able to broach that one to either yet.
But Ellie is growing into a wonderful girl whom Luke already has eyes for and Marvin is an Erickson, no question. Though I suppose I should warn him, one day, as an uncle, that Penny may do the 'wandering round looking for true love' nonsense for a bit before she realizes you can't escape finding it in an Erickson.
Maybe there's enough of Tracy in her to curb that.
Anyway, the real question is, do I mention this little fantasy ending of mine to my kids one day in 2030 when I think they're ready to hear the full story and explain that it came at a difficult time in my life.
It does explain a few things they've noticed even now in 2025…A year after that day in 2024 Tracy decided she couldn't resist watching the first CD I'd made that weekend alone in the house…
A time when I came very near doing an incredibly dumb thing.
Yeah, typical Ted Mosby….
And she may forgive me completely, someday…Yeah, I think she will. The cancer gave me leeway and she didn't say she was leaving me or would hate me forever. And she is back in the house, saying she's accepted it was just a fantasy, however hurtful and crushing…She understands, though it was hurtful and crushing…
Did she mention that, she asked? About it's being hurtful and crushing? Oh, yeah… I think so…
But, sensible girl that she is, she always worried less about Robin and more about my fantasies about Robin.
She kept holding off marriage after all, through countless proposals, much as she did want to say yes, because she knew I hadn't gotten over Robin.
Though she did get pregnant twice, making sure I was committed…I said she was a sensible girl.
Love of my life, truly.
Though this one sure didn't help…
Well, ok. To it then, the final bit told honestly…Lets get it out and on paper, before the second recording and burning for Lily's…And Marshall's (yeah, right) review…And a day watching it with Tracy and hopefully, putting a ghost to rest for good.
Please? You didn't think I was just rattling this off off the top of my head all this time?
One good thing…Tracy was too eager to see the end and fast-forwarded over most of it, intending to save it to watch with me later. The rest might make her see it all in context…And make her laugh.
Despite the hurtful and crushing stuff, of the first draft…Which was after all, a fantasy…
Yeah…Erase that…We don't need to set ourselves up for another "So…This is the fantasy way you wanted things to go?"…]Scratches out above line]
"Kids. Before you call Mom or walk away, possibly to curse me like the Vorenus kids in 'Rome' did their dad and for equally good reason, let me explain…" eyes stunned faces. "I only wanted to tell the whole story, so you'd understand why your mom was upset…Very upset…With me a few years back."
Praying God by 2030 she's over things…I got lots riding on this second draft…
"You know it was me who got cancer in late 2017 and nearly died…Well, that was only one of several bad things that happened that year. Though at the time, I was foolish enough to think some of them were to my benefit."
Part I…
November 2017…
Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, New York City.
"So…Mr. Mosby." The efficient-looking, bald, 50s-ish oncologist standing in his office, regarding several posted MRI and CAT scan photos, turned to the nervously entering Ted in corduroy jacket. "Have a seat."
"Sure…" Ted took seat hastily.
"I was going to try a bit of schmoozing about that architectural career of yours that you apparently think is the equivalent of saving 300 plus lives a year in the medical profession." Hard stare…
"Well…I never specified a number…" Ted, twisting in seat. "And it was in the sense of…Saving the very soul…"
"If you were a garbageman, I'd concede the point." The oncologist frowned. "A good garbageman saves potentially millions each year. I'd grant that. An architect? Eh, no. But, I may as well come straight to the point. I'm not happy with these results, Mr. Mosby." The doctor had come to the edge of the desk. "Not happy at all." Stern look.
"I'm…Sorry…?" Ted, gulping slightly.
"You should be." The doctor frowned. "It's very hard to have to be the bearer of such news."
"A little hard to be the receiver…Ah, ha, ha, ha…Ha." Ted, gulping again at the glare.
"Indeed." Dry stare. "Mr. Mosby, you have cancer of the liver. Definitely stemming from your Hepatitis C."
"Hepatwhatis…?" Ted blinked. "I have…?"
"Hepatitis C. It's generally a long term illness that can be managed. But inevitably liver damage occurs and cancer is always a risk. For you, it's no longer…A risk."
"But…?"
"It's a pity you weren't detected sooner. You are sexually active, aren't you?"
"Uh, well…On occasion…" Ted nodded.
"That, shared needles, blood transfusions…"
("Kids. I did not share a needle. But…You have probably wondered about all that promiscuous sex in NYC from 2005 on…Well, in the end, there were some consequences.
But of course, none for Uncle Barney, damnit it, sort of. Not that I don't love your Uncle Barney.")
"…all potential routes of infection. Heck in NYC, a dirty knife or shiv puncture is a major risk factor. Were you punctured by a dirty knife or shiv in the past?"
Uh… "I don't…Maybe a kitchen or butter knife."
"This would have to have been in contact with a Hep C carrier." The doctor, not amused.
"No."
Unless…Ted pondered.
No, Marshall was an unlikely source even if he did wound me once with our swords.
After all, Lily got much…Almost as bad…And she hasn't…
Oh God, must call…Lily, yes. Marshall would freak even at the remote possibility.
("I know what you're thinking, kids. No, not Uncle Barney…Even though he did kiss Uncle Marshall that one time. You know he and Aunt Robin were tested down to the bone marrow when she was trying to get pregnant and also, whatever else he was in his wilder days, your Uncle Barney was responsible in one area.")
"Probably the sexual activity…" the doctor frowned as Ted sputtered.
"Yes, yes." Hand waving briefly. "You…Usually…Took precautions. But all it takes is once. And I'd guess you screwed the pouch more than once. Sorry, old flyer's term. I used to be a carrier pilot in the Navy."
Great, Ted thought. My judgmental doc has all the Right Stuff short of being a former astronaut…
"That must have been a great experience…" Ted began.
"It got me the shot at a mission on the ISS last year and NASA keeping me on the list for the first Mars mission." Nod.
"But back to your cancer. Doesn't really matter how you contracted the Hep C unless you had multiple sex partners who should be informed. I'm guessing you had a few, before that nice wife of yours?"
"Uh…Well…A few." Ted, trying to get expansive.
"A lot of women in New York City will have sex with any fellow who seems to have a little money and not have any more of a clue than they." The doctor sighed. "Still, given you're not likely to have had many, you might try to contact the ladies, warn them you may have endangered their lives even if you screwed it up in the sack."
("Yes, kids those were his exact words."
"And yes, first thing I did after leaving was to have your mom tested. Though we'd tested earlier, she liking to do it routinely. She played in a band, as I told you."
"What?" cut to kids again on couch, for real, in 2030. "Are you saying…Mom?" Luke, blinking.
"Only a couple of times, with guys who seemed nice. Hey, she was in a band."
"Mom is the coolest…" Luke beamed, high-fiving Penny.)
"Ah, ha… Excuse me…First…I don't really have any idea how to reach anyone I've dated in the past. Well excepting one or two people I still keep in touch with. Secondly and more important, I've been tested before." Affected air. "I may look like a rube originally off the interstate from Ohio, but…I know the score. I took responsibility for my actions."
Bro…Barney in fantasy offers high five slap. Returned, in fantasy.
"HIV, right? You're still negative there. But some of the clinics only recently started Hep C screening." Dry tone.
"Well…But I did get a full screen two years ago. See my friend Barney…"
"You've had gay sexual activity? Better include those partners."
"What, no. I just mean my friend Barney is very careful. He kinda has to be…Had to be. Really, had is the right one, had to be."
Bro…Touched Robin in fantasy offers high five. Returned, in fantasy.
("Ted. A true bro takes responsibility for his actions sexual." 2005 Barney in bar booth, lecturing. "It's one of the cardinal rules of the Bro Code. "Besides, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV spoil one's awesomeness. So, first thing next week, I'm taking you to the finest medical clinic in NYC where a baseline testing…Of the most complete nature….Will establish that you, my young apprentice, are free and clear to enter the world of Brodom. And afterward. With each new experience will come, a repeat testing."
"After each time?" Ted stares. "And who are you again?"
"Stinson, Barney Stinson, your new best bro. What? No. Before. Ted, after is thirty…Well, twenty…Well, for the master at least, ten…Minutes too late."
"You're saying you test yourself before each sexual experience?"
"Of course not. I test the girl. Hey, I'm clean and verified."
"What?" Ted taken aback. Ow! "Can we move to that booth over there? I keep hitting my head on this fish trophy. And it has the hook in its mouth." Barney, looking over…Hmmn…
Awwwwwe…The booth…The Booth…Glowing in its freshly cleaned and shined glory.
Ok, maybe not so clean and shiny…
"Yeah, sure…" nod. "It's closer to the bar anyway. Trust me, Ted, you want a nest close but not too close to the bar. For as you must recall from my second lecture…"
"That must have been someone else, we just met last night."
"Ted Mosby, architect with bad goatee, lectures one through four last night, currently on lecture six before you begin your first of many assignments." Barney noted. "I see we need a pop quiz. Babes at bar versus babes in booths?"
Sigh…Still…
Well, I could never resist a pop quiz, kids.
"Bar."
"Good. And why? But first, lets adjourn to our new lair…"
(And that, kids…Is how we met…The booth.
And you know why, I already discussed Barney's babes at the bar theory…)
"Ok. This one's better. " Ted nods. "Note the crossventilation from the air conditioning and the door. It's perfect. And look, the TVs over the bar and on that wall are in perfect viewing alignment. The seat cushion is firm yet has just enough give…"
"Most important, from here I have a perfect view of the three best barstools, the sad and pathetic loser chicks seated alone in them, and any reasonably hot female bartender/waitress womanning in Carl the bartender's place for an evening. It's perfect. This is our meeting place, forever, my young apprentice. It is…Our booth."
"Well, it's not…Our booth. Though that would be cool." Ted notes
"Say no more. Really, don't jinx it, Ted. Carl?" Barney calls to the bartender. "I promise to never hit on any female relative if we are forever granted this booth. A Bro pledge, never to be broken."
"Can I punch you in the face again if you so much as say hi to my grandmother?" Carl calls back.
"Done, my friend." Nod. Returned by Carl. Done.
"That's a sacrifice, Ted. Carl's granny is very sweet and for an early sixties-ish chick, hot."
"After I finish this beer and order something much stronger to get that image out of my head…" Ted notes. "You can get back to explaining to me just how you could possibly manage to get the women you sleep with…"
Barney, left fore- finger raised… "Only fifty percent rate 'sleep with' Ted."
"You mean, fifty percent of the women you successful ly manage to have sex with, you get to leave right after sex?"
"What is security for, Ted?"
"And another hard drink to remove the image of crushed and betrayed young women being ushered out into a dark night."
"Well, hopefully the doorman/security guard calls them a cab…I pay hefty enough fees in my building. As to your question? It's easy. Though a miracle of modern science… " pause.
Cut to shot of Barney's apartment, lovely brunette in somewhat revealing dress, seated on sofa at coffee table.
'Dear…Would you do me a favor and pour me just a bit more wine whilst I find the perfect music for this special night which we…You and I…And several gentlemen I may discuss it with for reasons of comparison, contemplation, and crowing…Will remember…"
"Sure…" young brunette takes bottle as Barney moves to wall and starts fiddling with controls.
Close up on bottle…
"Oooh…That feels like sandpaper, a little…" the woman notes. "Tickles my finger a little." Pause… "Wow, does that mean it's special?"
"Oh, indeed…Special. As you are, my darling..." Hmmn rhymes with…?
"Right, always tie the first name to a rhyme, they appreciate that you remember their name…I hate that I remember that rule." Ted, frowning.
Seesaw? Coleslaw? Ah, Li…sa.
"…Lisa."
"That's me…I think…I had a lot to drink tonight." Lisa noted.
Thank you, Carl and your low, low happy hour specials on Ladies Night.
"And yes, dear…Lisa…That bottle is very special." Barney smiles.
"Indeed, the bottle top foil has an ultra thin abrasive applied, Which very slightly and painlessly scrapes the finger, leaving a residue of skin cells and the tiniest trace of blood." Barney notes as Ted stares.
"Sample…Acquired."
"There…" Barney in apartment notes. "The perfect music. Let me take that bottle out of our way, for now." He takes bottle to counter by wall.
"Darling? Don't miss the fantastic view of the New York City skyline through my well-appointed flat's window." He addresses the brunette with sudden switch to mild British accent.
"Say, are you British?" she coos. "I thought you just spoke Britishy."
"Caught me, did you, love? Yes, though I have been in the States for many years." Barney beams. "But don't miss the view, sweetheart."
"Oooh yes… It's great."
Barney deftly peeling foil off bottle with right hand, pressing buttons with left, one causing a new bottle to rise up next to the old, an exact copy, already uncorked. The other causing two chutes to open, one for the old bottle the other for the peeled foil. He turns back to the woman just as she turns from the view.
["I love his gadgets." 2020 Robin noted.
Wait. "Robin, this is my tale…" 2020 Ted groused.
"Yeah, but I'm prepping my tale of How I Met Your Dad and Why I Didn't Run Like Hell for our kids. Just borrowing a bit I like. One I probably thought of first, anyway."
"Borrowing, is it? Always 'borrowing' aren't you guys?" Ted fumed]
Anyway…Still in the previous parenthetical scene, kids…
You know me and digression. Which is the key to rich storycrafting…
Ok, so…
"Then the sample is immediately dropped into the proper media for analysis and a portable automated biochemical lab in my apartment acquired as a result of a hostile takeover of a failing biotech startup checks it out. Any red flags and my smoke detector and earthquake imminent alarms go off, allowing me to escort the young if not so pure lady to 'safety' out of my apartment and into a cab home with an appropriate goodbye of permanent nature.
"Get lost, you polluted whore!" cut to shot of Barney shoving woman into cab.
Or in some cases, where the lady seemed troubled by her past…
"I should admit, Lord Bernard, I have been with a lot of guys…" the woman notes just before Barney sends in the foil for analysis.
Fifteen minutes later, standing by cab…
"Yeah…I would love to ride with you to a safe location and bang you into the pavement there but I just don't think we have what it takes for a long term relationship. And that's the only kind I can have…" faraway look. "Being British and all."
"Well, you did wait for the analysis…" Ted notes. "Indeed. A gentleman always checks them out, just in case it's go to bang." Barney agrees.
"And that, my young apprentice is the key to a long and deformative sexually transmitted disease-free life. Abide by this Code rule…'Negative test, she's the best…Positive clear, she's outta here'."
"Every time?" Ted stares. "You manage to get a sample and analyze it everytime."
["Gave us a head start in getting our license and the baseline gene testing for Dyad." 2020 Robin proudly notes.
"Will you stop crossing into my story timeline? It's confusing." 2020 Ted frowns.
"Still say I thought of it first, the rest is just words." 2020 Robin grouses.
Just…Words? Robin?]
"Every time." Barney nods. "Never forget. Abide by the Code, always, my apprentice."
And naturally, while I was fairly carefully, this would be the one time the Bro Code would have been wise to heed by the letter. )
"And my friend saw to it I got very complete testing …I'm sure it included Hep C." Ted noted.
"When was the last very complete testing?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I'm not sure exactly…About…" pause.
"I think that explains it." The doctor.
Wait…
"Now I remember…Barney insisted I get tested with him just before he hooked up with Robin for the final time…["Really? You really wanna mention that to your kids?" Robin fumes. "Will you get out of my tale-spinning brain?] There wasn't anyone after…Oh…" Grim look.
Jeannette.
Kids, you remember Jeannette from my first version. The last girl and probably in many ways the worst I met before meeting your mother. Nothing there was altered. She was an utter and dangerous loon.
But…It wasn't her.
And no, I wasn't lying about your mom not having Hep C or liver trouble like me. But band players and singers are often sexually very active and somewhat careless.
Just not the female one, in this case anyway.
See, kids, you remember Darren, the evil singer who took over Mom's band for a while round the time Uncle Barney married Aunt Robin? And you remember I punched out his lights when he ran into me before Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin's wedding and made me drop that $600 bottle of scotch I'd risked jail for to steal to share with Uncle Barney? Well, maybe you've heard that one of the worse things you can do, infectionwise, is punch a human being in the mouth…We're cesspools of disease there, frankly. And yes, Darren was both sexually active and careless. As to dental hygiene as well as unprotected sex….
He was also less lucky, God rest his evil soul as we learned later.
"Ok, putting the question of how I met Hep C aside…" I tried light humor. "After I get my girlfriend checked out…Oh, God my twice pregnant girlfriend…"
"She's been tested all through her pregnancies and after the first birth and I doubt there's much chance detection slipped by since the last test. We should have her in again though. Hep C can hide well."
"I'll see she comes." Nod.
"All right. Now as to treatment. The bit of good news is that your cancer while very serious, can be treated and has been with some success. But this form of cancer is aggressive and serious and there are no guarantees."
Kids, that's not to frighten you. You know I beat the odds, passed the five year survival mark and then some, and treatment's advanced since. I just wanted you to understand how terrified I was in late 2017. I had a son and a newborn daughter . A woman I loved dearly…Now, all of it seemed about to go right down the usual Ted Mosby crapper.
That's why I pressed your mother again to marry me. And while she had never taken back her first "Yes", she suggested, again we wait.
Wait…Why? You may ask, as I should've. But I told myself, yet again, it was fine. I didn't want to louse this up, the best thing I'd ever had. If Tracy needed time, for some reason, {"Yeah. 'some reason'…Hello." Robin, sarcastically in my head. "Will you please?" "When you will." Smile.] I was ready to…Wait. No pressure…
"I'm dying, we have to get married…"
She blinking at me…