Mewtwo's Autobiography
© Yeah yeah yeah, Pokemon is copyright of Satoshi Tajiri and 4Kids Entertainment and Nintendo and all shit. Yay. This is what's important: My friend, Will, is the god behind this story. Pray to him ^_^
Mewtwo: Did I ever tell you about my run-in with a cop, on a snow day, a few years ago?
Pikachutwo: Pika?
Mewtwo: I gotta tell you this. It was great. I was lying in the snow, naked. A cop tried to arrest me for indecent exposure. This, of course, made me cry, so I said my balls hurt. I warmed them up in the police car's exhuast pipe but they fell off because of the carbon monoxide. Devasted, I stole the cop's balls and ran away.
Pikachutwo: ...
Mewtwo: Oh, you gotta hear about that time they threw me out of church when I brought my big stuffed gorilla on a leash, and made out with it during the eucharist!
Pikachutwo: :::sigh:::
Mewtwo: The priest got really pissed off in front of everyone, and I was like, "Well, Mr. Holy-Man, I guess I should tell everyone that you fucked Little Bobby up the ass since you're such a penisnose." He slipped me a hundred bucks to leave, and then he told all the people that I was possessed by Sephiroth's evil power so they wouldn't believe me. I stormed out of there dragging my gorilla behind me, jogged down to Best Buy, and wasted the one hundred bucks on R&B CDs. Then, I went back to church, played them in the CD player, and everyone was inspired by R. Kelly's lyrics. They all dropped to the floor, fucking, and made movies and got arrested for it. And that's how I became involved in the R. Kelly Scandal.
Pikachutwo: Pika pikachu. [How do you come up with this stuff?]
Mewtwo: Acid. Anyway, some time ago, while I was at Dunkin' Donuts, a girl walked in. She ordered a Boston creme, and I was like, "Ooh, I bet you like the filling because it reminds you of sucking a cock." She said, "Yeah," and I replied with, "I bet my cock tastes better than this donut." She started sucking my shlong. This moment of pleasure was interuppted when the guy from Garden City Recycling Center walked in and declared, "HAHA. SHE'S FROM ENRON." She stopped sucking my cock and admitted, "Yes, I am from Enron. I am here to take your money and charge for too much power." I snapped back, saying, "Oh yeah? I got a good scandal now." So I sent the whole world a videotape of her sucking my shlong at Dunkin' Donuts. However, this was too graphic; they made a cover-up story for Enron, but the real reason was that blowjob at Dunkin' Donuts, that little slut.
Pikachutwo: :::banging on the door::: PIKA PIKA PIKA! [LET ME OUT!]
Mewtwo: I felt bad. I retreated to a small town outside of Rome, Italy. The pope drove by and said, "Hey, you're that dude from the Dunkin' Donuts blowjob video." "Yeah, why?" "I need you to join Botswana's air force of three plains and stop the socialist revolt by Julias Caesar's x 929,554 grandson." "Okay." I did this, thus ancient Rome was never revived.
Pikachutwo: PIKACHU! :::tries to Thunder down the door:::
Mewtwo: Ahem. Sit down.
Pikachutwo: -_-; :::sits down:::
Mewtwo: I purchased a dozen Boston creme donuts. I ate them, then fell asleep on the couch. My life is fun.
Vaporeontwo: Vapor!
Mewtwo: I didn't know you where here. Oh well. Listen to my story, too.
Vaporeontwo: Vaporeon eon vapor vapor vaporeon eon! [I got a pelvic exam yesterday; learning my cervix has green fungi growing on it from the sexual affair I had with Arafat last month.]
Mewtwo: Damn, that sucks! I HATE when green shit grows on my cervix after sex with powerful anti-semitic leaders from the Middle East. It's happened one too many times.
Pikachutwo: ...
Mewtwo: Yes, my friend, I poccess both male and female organs.
Vaporeontwo: EON! [COOL!]
Mewtwo: Now that I see I am not alone with this green fungi problem, I must notify Newsweek of this terrible syndrome. Anyway, maybe I can brighten up your fungi-filled day with a story of bravery, honesty, strength, and underwater basket-weaving in the Eisenhower Park Pool during senior citizens' tae-bo instruction hour.
Vaporeontwo: ^_^
Mewtwo: Okay, so I was hanging around backstage at a Flock of Seagulls concert when this guy came up to me and said, "Hey, you know the pope?" And I was like, "Yeah, he fucking rox." And he was like, "Cool. I want you to do something for me." He gave me a sword, shield and helmet, and informed me to extinguish the evil demonic threat. And I said, "Where's the evil demonic theat hiding?" He passed me a slip of paper with an address... Which lead me to a pool across the street. I paid the four bucks admission, put on my armor, grabbed my sword, and came in counter with this evil spawn of Hell...
Vaporeontwo: Vapor? [Was it Giovanni?]
Mewtwo: No, you moronic cumbreath.
Vaporeontwo: Eon. [Oh.]
Mewtwo: It was an evil soda machine! I beat the shit out of it until it stopped working. Then, the soda machine ghost came out, and challenged me to an underwater basket-weaving contest. If I beat him, I could have sex with Ricki Lake. I was like, "No thanks." But he threw in, "Fine. No sex with Ricki Lake. But I still wanna fight j00." Not wanting to be rude, I responded with, "Okay." And we got out our weaving supplies, and dove into the water. Meanwhile, the old people in the shallow end were getting their weekly tae-bo insturction. An old crazy lady by the name of Mildred made fun of my hermaphroditeism, so I called her a cuntmonkey, and I ended up slaying her and the soda machine ghost with the sword.
Pikachutwo: :::murmuring::: Pika -_- [I need a shooting squad.]
Mewtwo: After they died, the chick who was running for Miss America from South Dakota was like, "Respect your elders." She was so SEXY, though, so I made passionate love to her. ...But... :::looks down:::
Pikachutwo/Vaporeontwo: Pika?/Vapor? [What happened?]
Mewtwo: She...was...really... well, she stepped out of the costume, and she was really... the crossing guard outside my elementary school. She blabbered, "HAHA. I GOT LAID." And I was like, "-_-"
Pikachutwo/Vaporeontwo: ;_;
Mewtwo: So, I stabbed myself and dropped dead. The end. By the way, I was losing the weaving contest anyway.
Pikachutwo: :::realizes this is his chance to escape::: :::dashes for the door:::
Mewtwo: SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN.
Pikachutwo: ...
Mewtwo: Oh, I forgot to tell the both of you about one of my experiences in Vietnam! Okay, this Vietnamese guy in one of my parachuting classes named Suk Mai Cok was having trouble with his girlfriend Yum Yum Cum, so he told me to fly into 'Nam take over Ho Chi Minh City, and establish a large chain of Starbucks there. I did. Yet, when I opened the thirteen Starbucks, bad luck striked. You see, Yum Yum Cum was secretly doing this guy by the name of Fuk Sum Duks, while also plotting a democratic revolution in North Vietnam to overthrow the communist regime. I ended up supporting them, and we stopped the communist menace. Naturally, the history books and papers lied. Anyway, I opened up a big Starbucks and took over southeast Asia as supreme dictator, and I banned masturbation, so many men communited suicide. I traded their skulls for a David Bowie CD collection, and just as "Space Oddity" came on, Suk Mai Cok swung by, hollering, "GAH U SUPPOZD TO KILL MUH HO!" I bursted out laughing, adding, "LOL. You're a chink but you talk black." He answered, "That's because I'm really P. Diddy." I told him that I fucked Jennifer Lopez. He got mad at me, saying, "I dun believe j00." Thus, I reached into my pocket, put on that green dress she was wearing at the awards show, and gladly stated, "She left this at my house." I began to dance; my cleavage aroused him, so he wanted to spank his monkey, but I banned masturbation so he was like "GAH." And so, he killed himself, and I was flashed, "Kick fuckin' ass! I killed P. Diddy!" Obviously, my day was quite filling; I went back to Starbucks and snuggled up with my stuffed gorilla and had some nice vanilla mocha. And THAT, my friends, is my autobiography. All that shit on The Birth of Mewtwo, Mewtwo Strikes Back and Mewtwo Returns was made for money, including you. MWHAHAHA!
Pikachutwo: :::stabs him to death and hangs his flesh on the line to fry in the sun::: Pika ^_^
THE END!!!