Disclaimer: I do not own any songs. I highly recommend listening to the songs while reading. Sometimes I did a few adjustments to the lyrics and artists so things would make more sense. Enjoy reading.
"Bye, babe!" Chloe called out to her girlfriend as she threw on her jacket.
"Bye Chlo. Have a nice day at work!" Sasha, her girlfriend, replied from the kitchen.
"You too!" The redhead smiled as she picked up her car keys and left the apartment complex to walk down to the garage where her car was parked. Sasha and her had been dating for two years now, and it could not be going better. Chloe was especially excited after she heard a few rumors in her friend group that her blonde girlfriend was thinking about proposing to her. The redhead knew she would say yes in a heartbeat. Smiling, she bit her lip as she unlocked her car and climbed in. She started the vehicle and pulled out of the parking lot, the sound of the radio filling the quiet space.
"- And her new album "The Truth" dropped today. What did you think of it, Todd?" James, the speaker on the radio, asked.
"Well, James, it definitely is the most vulnerable album we've ever heard of her. She really lets the listener in on her life. It's surprising how affected she is by her breakup. And knowing it was over two years ago? I think that was her true love, her soulmate so to speak, if she's still hung up on her." Todd sighed. "I wish her well in hopefully getting over her."
Chloe furrowed her brows. Who were they talking about? She shrugged, hoping they would play music soon so she wouldn't have to listen to the two men talk anymore.
"Anyways, let's play one of her songs, shall we?" James spoke up again. "Here is "Follow Your Fire", Beca Mitchell's newest single."
The redhead almost slammed on the breaks as the name of her ex dropped. Beca had dropped new music, and if she understood it right, the album was about her. "Can't you just leave me alone?!" Chloe asked the radio angrily, her brows furrowed. She went to turn off the radio, but something made her stop. She didn't know what it was, but she lowered her hand, the lyrics of the brunette's song and her soft voice filling the car.
[Follow Your Fire - Kodaline]
I remember you and me
Back when we were seventeen
Drinking, kissing in the street
We couldn't get enough
I see you layin' there with me
Like my missing puzzle piece
Dreaming of what we could be
We couldn't make you up
We had the songs that we sang along to
You had the moves to make me dance with you
I always saw you reaching and catching stars
We had the thing that everyone wanted
Hung on your sleeve, you wore your heart on it
Did you get out I'm wondering where you are?
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
We had the songs that we sang along to
You had the moves to make me dance with you
I always saw you reaching and catching stars
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
We had the thing that everyone wanted
Hung on your sleeve, you wore your heart on it
Did you get out? I'm wondering where you are
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Did you follow your fire?
Chloe scoffed. Of course her ex girlfriend would reminisce about their past, bringing up memories the redhead tried to forget. Though she was a little humbled, deep down, that Beca was wondering how she was doing, wondering if she pursued her dream of becoming a vet.
The time we stole your daddy's car
And drove around 'til it got dark
We slept outside in Holmby Park
We couldn't get enough
We promised that we'd never part
On a tree, under the stars
We carved our names into the bark
To be there when we're not
We had the songs that we sang along to
You had the moves to make me dance with you
I always saw you reaching and catching stars
We had the thing that everyone wanted
Hung on your sleeve, you wore your heart on it
Did you get out? I'm wondering where you are
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
We had the songs that we sang along to
You had the moves to make me dance with you
I always saw you reaching and catching stars
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
We had the thing that everyone wanted
Hung on your sleeve, you wore your heart on it
Did you get out I'm wondering where you are?
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
The redhead hadn't noticed that she wasn't driving to work anymore. It was like her body wanted to take her to this one place. The place Beca was singing about, Holmby Park, where they carved their initials into the tree. Chloe had thought it was romantic, and even though the brunette found it cheesy, she did it anyways.
I remember you and me
Back when we were seventeen
Drinking, kissing in the street
We couldn't get enough
We had the songs that we sang along to
You had the moves to make me dance with you
I always saw you reaching and catching stars
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
We had the thing that everyone wanted
Hung on your sleeve, you wore your heart on it
Did you get out? I'm wondering where you are
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Oh, oh, oh
(Did you follow your, follow your fire?)
Did you follow your, follow your fire?
As the song ended, Chloe stopped in one of the parking lots of the park, looking out over it. She easily spotted the tree in which they carved their initials, seeing as it was one close to the parking lot, but still in the park. The redhead couldn't stop the soft smile on her face as she thought about her kissing Beca after the brunette finished carving, pressing her against the tree. She shook her head, snapping back into reality. "What am I doing here? I gotta go to work!" She said aloud with an angry tone. When she went to start her car again, her eyes fell onto her phone. It couldn't hurt to check out the brunette's album. She grabbed the technical device, unlocking it before opening Google. She typed "Beca Mitchell Truth" into the search bar, and the search engine gave her a link to the website Genius where the album was listed. If Chloe recalled it correctly, the website included comments from the artist, and knowing her ex, she probably made a lengthy comment about all of her songs. She skimmed over the album tracklist.
[The Truth - Tracklist]
1. You
2. New You
3. Apologize ft. Hayley Kiyoko
4. First Time ft. Kygo
5. Only You
6. I'm Not Her
7. Naked
8. All I Want
9. Chloe
10. Follow Your Fire
The redhead's breath hitched as she saw her name being on the list. "Son of a bitch!" She cursed. Now she had to listen to each song carefully and grill the brunette about it afterwards. "This is probably your plan to get me back into your life." She muttered angrily as she opened Spotify to get access to the album. She exited her car, took her headphones out and seated herself underneath the tree where they carved in their initials. She plugged the headphones in and put them in her ears before hitting play, opening the lyrics for the first track.
[You - Matilda]
You-you-you
When you whisper 'this is overdue'
I stopped breathing and I looked at you
You said you wondered how it would be
Took a second then you kissed me
Now things are a bit complicated
You're with her and I've been datin'
Jealousy strikes
Could you tell me why?
Let's say this is our only shot to make it happen
Mess it up
What do we do?
All I want is you
Chloe sighed. She had to agree with Beca that them dating really took a long time. She chuckled as she remembered kissing the brunette because she was just so fed up with how long it took the other girl to figure out that she obviously had feelings for her. Beca was a stuttering mess afterwards, but they were finally a thing. The makeout session that had commenced afterwards was definitely worth it. But her outright admitting that she was still hung up on her? "Move on girl. It's been two years." The redhead muttered under her breath. Though she did feel a little bad how roughly things had ended between them.
And it's you
It's you
And it's you
It's you
It's you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
You you-you-you
When I woke up with you in my arms
I heard you breathing and I felt your heart
For a second everything felt right
Broke my heart when we were saying goodbye
The redhead leaned her head back. The night after their first kiss, Chloe had panicked, not knowing if this between them was really finally real. So this time, she was the one who ran. Even though Beca looked really hurt, she understood. But luckily, she didn't give up on her. A few days later, the brunette took the other girl out on a date, the most amazing she had had in her lifetime. She didn't want to admit it, but Chloe would forever cherish it.
Now things are a bit complicated
You're with her and I've been datin'
Jealousy strikes
Could you tell me why?
Let's say this is our only shot to make it happen
Mess it up
What do we do?
All I want is you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you-you-you-you
It's you you-you-you
(you)
It's you-you-you-you
(it's you)
It's you-you-you-you
(it's you)
It's you-you-you-you
(it's you)
It's you-you-you-you
(it's you)
You-you-you-you
The reason everything else is fading or failed
Is why I'm taken by none
I am waiting for one
Chloe sighed as she pressed pause, wanting to read the comment Beca had made about this song. She shook her head, not understanding why the brunette would want to wait for her or even still want her. She scrolled to the comment, reading it intently.
"This song, which I started "The Truth" off with, seemed the most fitting for the opening. I know it's been two years, and my ex hurt me badly, but as I said in the song, all my dates haven't been working out because I only want her. I eventually always end up thinking about her, and since it's not fair for the other person I'm dating, I break it off with them. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. If you meet the one, you know it. You'll never stop loving them. No matter what they do to you. If she was to knock on my door, telling me she wants me back, I would take her in. [chuckles] Anyways, this song is obviously about being hung up on someone."
The redhead let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. Beca still wanted her. Still loved her. Chloe didn't know if she should call it pathetic or if she should feel bad. After all, she was the reason why they didn't work out.
Before she could think more about this, she decided to move on to the next song. She opened the lyrics on her phone and continued playing the album.
[New You - Zolita]
Your kiss is bitter now
You're smoking, smoking, cigarettes
Do you miss her now, ohhhh eh
You're caught up in the clouds
I'm trying, trying to forget
I feel her on you now, ohhhh eh
Chloe took in a sharp breath. She could already tell what this song was about. It was about Beca finding out that the redhead had been cheating on her with Sasha. She tried to ignore the sudden pang of guilt that settled in her stomach, concentrating on the lyrics.
Where's that t-shirt from? I've never seen it on you
Did you put it on when you woke up in the morning?
You're slipping away
Another mistake
Now you got me looking at the
New you
I thought I knew you
I know people change
You took my faith
With the new you
The redhead shuddered softly. The fight that they had really wasn't pretty. She had never seen the brunette so angry, yet so heartbroken at the same time. But Chloe couldn't help it. After a year of them dating, the redhead grew tired of having Beca, and she didn't know why. She blamed it on having waited so long for the other girl, liking the feeling of not knowing if the brunette liked her back. And when she had Beca, it suddenly was boring and not thrilling anymore. And when Sasha came along, she was immediately hooked, welcoming the distraction with open arms.
Your body's softer now
You're fucking me a different way
Did she show you how?
Ohhhh eh
Every time I think we're alone
I see her name come up on your phone, so
Where's that t-shirt from? I've never seen it on you
Did you put it on when you woke up in the morning?
You're slipping away
Another mistake
Now you got me looking at the
New you
I thought I knew you
I know people change
You took my faith
With the new you
Put your headphones on
Drown out this song
Play your new music baby
The old you is gone
Chloe felt a little offended, but had to admit it was true. The old Chloe would've never cheated on a partner. The old Chloe would have never let go of Beca after she finally had her. So what changed?
New you
I thought I knew you
I know people change
You took my faith
With the new you
Ahhhh
I know people change
You took my faith
Ahhhh, Ahhhh
I know people change
You took my faith
Ahhhh
With the power of the new moon in me
I'll forget who you used to be
Erase the hurt you brought my heart
And give you and I a different start
The end of the song made the redhead's ears perk up. Beca still wanting her was not surprising, but that she would accept the new Chloe? "Well duh, if she still wants you, of course she'd accept the new you." A voice in her head nagged her. Chloe sighed as she scrolled down to the commentary.
"This song is just shining light on the situation before we broke up, but from my perspective, obviously. I had noticed that something was off, and how she pulled back from me more and more over time. Her soon to be girlfriend and our reason why we broke up came into our lives more and more, and my ex wouldn't shut up talking about her sometimes. First I thought they were just becoming good friends, but soon the jealousy started and the mistrust followed shortly after. Until one night, I found a text from the girl to my ex. I kept it to myself, noticing how everything made sense. And then, a few days later, I blew up. We broke up. I know it was the right thing to do, but I still wonder to this day why she cheated. I feel like deep down, she didn't want to do any of the things she did. But no matter what, I would still want to date the new her. Because I know if I were to date her again, she wouldn't cheat this time. I just know it."
Chloe made a face, scrunching up her nose. Why was the brunette so obsessed with her? And accusing her of not wanting to cheat? Well, maybe she didn't want to, but Beca didn't leave her any other option! She blew out a breath, not wanting to feel questioned about her relationship with Sasha. She knew she loved her with all her heart. That's why they've been dating for two years. Right?
She shook her head, moving on to the next song. She was surprised to find it was a duet with Hayley Kiyoko. It seemed kind of fitting. She pressed play, reading the lyrics intently.
[Apologize - Matilda ft. OMVR]
Beca Mitchell
The hourglass is running low
I'm pretty sick of your talk
And I think you know
Don't waste your breath on me, you've done enough
Everything you said about all of your dreams
Your future with me
I think you really believed
I'd never call your lying like I did
So I don't care if you stay up
Watching my parade of
Doing what I'm doing
Off of what you've ruined
But I think you should own up and apologize
For playing all those lies
For sharing things I said when I was wasted
I think you should grow up and apologize
You can't take back the lies
But it's a pretty good place to start
Chloe closed her eyes, shaking her head. First Beca parades around, telling her that she wants her back and that she can't understand why Chloe did what she did, but that she basically forgives her, but she wants her to apologize anyways? Maybe it was a song the brunette wrote when the hurt and anger was still fresh. The redhead knew songs could take up to a year to be published and issues have long been solved or passed. Still, it didn't fully make sense as to why she put it there.
Hayley Kiyoko
My solitude has come to an end
I broke my principles ones and I won't do it again
We both know it's you who fucked it up
The aftermath is treating me well
I bet it's harder for you when you keep playing pretend
I'm sure that's too much to comprehend
So I don't care if you stay up
Watching my parade of
Doing what I'm doing
Off of what you've ruined
Both
But I think you should own up and apologize
For playing all those lies
For sharing things I said when I was wasted
I think you should grow up and apologize
You can't take back the lies but it's a pretty good place to start
The redhead let out a noise of disapproval. As if Beca was the perfect girl in this relationship. The brunette had done a fair share of things as well that really hurt the other girl sometimes. Like the time where Beca decided behind Chloe's back that they would take the apartment with the windows towards the houses behind them and not the one with the perfect view over Holmby Park. Plus, that apartment reeked of cigarette smoke and the gas from the stove stayed in the room for hours, no matter how many windows they opened. But the brunette eventually convinced the redhead that it did have its perks, especially because they saved a lot of money. Plus the sex she gave Chloe as an apology was totally worth it.
Feels pretty dumb now looking back
Wondering why you never really had my back
Why you let me take the fault for everything
Broken start, broken hearts, us, anything
I think it's time for you let me off the hook now
We were two about the choices that we took, love
I think it's only fair you look me in the eyes and
Take a breath be sincere and apologize
But I
But I think you should own up and apologize
For playing all those lies
For sharing things I said when I was wasted
I think you should grow up and apologize
You can't take back the lies but it's a pretty good place to start
Na-na-na...
But it's a pretty good place to start
Chloe shook her head, pausing the song again. She really needed the comment after this obviously heavy song. She scrolled further down on her phone and sucked up what the brunette said about this song.
"You may wonder why I'm asking her to apologize when I made it sound like I forgave her in the commentary of the past two songs. The truth is that I didn't forgive her. Yes, I would take her back in a heartbeat, but that is only if she apologizes for what she did. She fucked up this perfect relationship, so she should be the one to apologize. I wrote this song a few days after everything went down, and after a few adjustments over the past months I finally felt comfortable recording and publishing the song. I kinda immediately had Hayley in my mind when I looked at the finished work and asked her right away. When she agreed to collab with me, I was happy. The emotion she put into the song makes it even more beautiful and I could not be more happy with the result. She really became a good friend of mine after that. [chuckles] I just think you should apologize when you did a mistake, especially if it was something heavy like this. Be the bigger person and own up to what you did. I'm not saying I was the perfect girl in the relationship either, because I did make her unhappy sometimes, but hearing an apology really would make me happy. It would show that she still cares."
The redhead re-read the comment again before putting her phone down. She closed her eyes and rubbed them, catching a tear that tried to escape. She didn't know why, but suddenly she felt the urge to actually apologize to Beca. If she was being honest, she kind of missed having the brunette around. Her constant jokes and her sarcasm was what she missed the most. Sasha just wasn't like that. Before she could think too much about what was happening, she quickly pressed play on the next song, pulling up the lyrics. She smiled when she saw that it was a duet with Kygo. Beca had dreamt about collabing with him for quite a while now, so she was glad it finally worked out.
[First Time - Kygo ft. Ellie Goulding]
We were lovers for the first time
Running all the red lights
The middle finger was our peace sign, yeah
We were sipping on emotions
Smoking and inhaling every moment
It was reckless and we owned it, yeah, yeah
We were high and we were sober
We were under, we were over
We were young and now I'm older
But I'd do it all again
Getting drunk on a train track
Way back, when we tried our first cigarettes (oh)
Ten dollars was a fat stack
I'd do it all again (oh)
Bomber jacket and a snapback
Your dad's black Honda was a Maybach (oh)
"Re: Stacks" on the playback
I'd do it all again (oh)
Chloe had a soft smile on her lips by now. Her and Beca really had been through a lot of adventures together. Comparing it to the relationship she had with Sasha now, she realized that it was much calmer than what the brunette and she had. The most adventurous thing she did with the blonde was try out the double dildo. It was kind of sad that the redhead seemed to have downgraded. Something deep inside her started to nag her, telling her she was starting to miss Beca and that she was regretting ever hurting the petite girl. She ignored it, focusing back on the song.
We were lovers on a wild ride
Speeding for the finish line
Come until the end of our time, yeah
Started off as a wildfire
Burning down the bridges to our empire
Our love was something they could admire, yeah, yeah
We were high and we were sober
We were under, we were over
We were young and now I'm older
But I'd do it all again
Getting drunk on a train track
Way back, when we tried our first cigarettes (oh)
Ten dollars was a fat stack
I'd do it all again (oh)
Bomber jacket and a snapback
Your dad's black Honda was a Maybach (oh)
"Re: Stacks" on the playback
I'd do it all again (oh)
Stack stack, stack stack, oh oh
Speed speed, speed speed oh oh
Stack stack, stack stack, oh oh
Speed speed, speed speed oh oh
Stack stack, stack stack, oh oh
Speed speed, speed speed oh oh
Stack stack, stack stack, oh oh
Speed speed, speed speed oh oh
Stack stack, stack stack, oh oh
As the song faded out, Chloe had to admit she wanted to live through these adventures again as well. Just hang out with Beca, let her take the lead and feel herself be pulled along. The brunette had that effect on her, managing to convince her of almost everything. One time, Beca and her went on a spontaneous road trip to the Grand Canyon where she booked a rock climbing class which almost got the redhead hospitalized because she took a wrong step. But at the end of the day, they laughed about it and went out for dinner. Chloe scrolled down to the comment, eagerly reading it.
"With this song I wanted to reflect on the fun and good times we had when we knew and dated each other. Because you have ups and downs in relationships, and if I'm gonna make an album about my ex, I better include the ups. I cherish them all, and I'm really glad I got to live through so many adventures with her. I don't want everybody to think that our relationship was all downs and no ups, because that is so not true. I would really like to thank Kygo for finally collabing with me after I bothered him for what seems like years. [laughs] He gave this song the perfect melody, and I'm forever thankful for that. He's really great to work with, and we just connected on a musical level. I just want to express with this song that I'd love to relive all of these adventures together with my ex again, and maybe create some more memories. That's what I miss most about our relationship. That we just complimented each other so well that we were the perfect partners in crime for each other. Like Bonnie and Clyde. I didn't have that connection with anyone else, and I really doubt I will."
"Bonnie and Clyde, huh?" Chloe asked softly. She rolled her eyes. That was such a Beca thing to say.
Suddenly, her phone rang, making the redhead almost drop it. She quickly went to answer it, cringing as she saw that it was her boss.
"Chloe, where are you? Work started 20 minutes ago!" He yelled through the speaker.
"I'm sorry. I spent the last thirty minutes throwing up." Chloe replied with a fake hoarse voice. "Sasha has already left for work, so she couldn't call. I'm sorry, but I won't be coming in today."
"Oh, forgive me my harsh tone. Take today off. Get well soon, alright?" Her boss said with a soft voice, knowing Chloe would never lie to him.
"Thank you." The redhead replied before hanging up, letting out a breath. "That was close." She muttered as she resumed with what she was doing: Listening to her ex's album.
Up next was a song called "Only You". Chloe could guess what it was about.
[Only You - Cheat Codes ft. Little Mix]
Dancing with your silhouette in the places that we met
Ooh, tryna find you in the moon
Paris never feels the same, when the streets all call your name
Ooh, so I hide in crowded rooms
And I'll follow right down the river
Where the ocean meets the sky
To you, to you
Once upon a time we had it all
Somewhere down the line we went and lost it
One brick at a time we watched it fall
I'm broken here tonight and darling, no one else can fix me
Only you, only you
And no one else can fix me, only you
Only you, only you
And no one else can fix me, only you, oh
Only you
"Try something new, Becs." Chloe muttered. Beca singing about the redhead being her only solution to everything kind of creeped her out. But then again, Chloe was the only person the brunette let in so easily and who she trusted dearly. And the redhead kind of ruined Beca's trust not only in her, but also in other people. She felt bad for doing that. It wasn't her intention, but that was one of the consequences if you cheat on your partner. So you could kind of end up needing the one person who ruined you to fix you again, to make you feel less broken.
Did I let go of your hand for a castle made of sand
Ooh, that fell into the blue
I went following the sun to be alone with everyone
Ooh, looking 'round a crowded room
And I'll follow right down the river
Where the ocean meets the sky
To you, to you
Once upon a time we had it all (we had it all) (mmm)
Somewhere down the line we went and lost it
(We went and lost it)
One brick at a time we watched it fall (fall)
I'm broken here tonight and darling no one else can fix me
Only you, only you (yeah)
And no one else can fix me, only you (no one like you)
Only you, (nobody else), only you (oh)
And no one else can fix me, only you, (oh)
Only you
(Falling, falling, falling, yeah)
Only you, (only you), only you, (only you)
And no one else can fix me, only you (only you)
Only you, (only you), only you, (only you)
And no one else can fix me, only you
Chloe sighed as she paused the song, running a hand through her hair. She didn't know how the brunette was doing it, but she was really starting to finally reflect on what happened between them. The redhead realized that Sasha's and her relationship compared more to the one of an old, married couple. With Beca she always felt thrilled about each day, wondering what adventure they'd go on now. And it wasn't always the most adventurous things like Grand Canyon or sneaking around the Hollywood sign. The brunette had a skill to make grocery shopping feel like an adventure. With her puns and stupid behaviour she never failed to make Chloe laugh, or to almost get them kicked out of the store. The redhead scrolled down, wanting to know Beca's take on this.
"To be completely honest about this song, I haven't felt like myself ever since the breakup. Something is missing from me, and that something is my ex. She left a hole that nothing could fill, not even my cat that I got after my best friend pushed me to. She thought it would help, but it only feels like a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. I feel like this song is one of the most vulnerable ones about me, and I'd love it if people didn't see it as a bop, but more like appreciate what I went through and that I'm not fine. I mean, I've been trying to work on myself, but so far, no real luck. I know I sound pathetic by now, but I just think publishing this album helps me get over the pain a little more. And I have a feeling it will, even though it's not much."
"You're helping yourself by making me question everything." Chloe groaned softly. She saw a message from Sasha pop up on the top of her screen. She sighed, tapping on it.
Sasha, 09:32 am: Where are you, babe? I heard you didn't show up to work and called in sick. Is everything alright?
Chloe, 09:33 am: I'm fine. Just needed to be somewhere.
The redhead knew this would spark more questions, but she decided to ignore her girlfriend and focus back on the brunette's album. She went back to her browser, tapping on the next lyrics as she continued the playlist.
[I'm Not Her - Clara Mae]
Been two years, our memories are blurred
Haven't heard your voice, no, not a word
But still they, they talk about the things we were
They talk about us
But I don't know the things that you have heard
Chloe furrowed her brows, wondering who Beca was talking about. She assumed she meant the Bellas, because those girls didn't seem to know where the line was. The redhead pretended not to notice, but she knew they were all gossiping behind her back, sometimes trying to come up with plans to get the brunette and her back together. They clung onto this almost as much as Beca did.
She's dancing on your feet
With our song on repeat
She painted every wall of us
She's taking off her clothes
In the bed you kept me warm
Heard she's everything I never was
No, I'm not her, no, never will
Never gonna move like her, move like
I'm not her, no, never will
Never gonna look like her, be like
I'm not her, I'm not her (no)
At least that's what I've heard
Me, myself, I stumble on the clue
The thing I thought was missing wasn't you
And now I'm no longer scared to meet the night
I'm doing alright
Me, myself, we started something new
The redhead re-read the lyrics with a confused expression. Beca just said she wasn't alright, and now she was? But then she recalled that this song was probably the newest one, since the timeline was two years. Two years since Chloe packed her things and left.
She's dancing on your feet
With our song on repeat
She painted every wall of us
She's taking off her clothes
In the bed you kept me warm
Heard she's everything I never was
No, I'm not her, no, never will
Never gonna move like her, move like
I'm not her, no, never will
Never gonna look like her, be like
I'm not her, I'm not her (no)
At least that's what I've heard
Been told that she's the opposite
I kinda like the sound of it
And there's no one like me
And that makes it easier
No, I'm not her, no, never will
Never gonna move like her, move like
I'm not her, no, never will
Never gonna look like her, be like
I'm not her, say, I'm not her
No, I'm not her, oh, and I'll never be
At least that's what I've heard
Chloe sighed. Sasha really was the opposite of the brunette. She shook her head, not really believing that it was that much easier for Beca that the redhead's girlfriend was the exact opposite. She was probably blaming herself that she wasn't so calm and reserved like Sasha. With a scrunched up nose, Chloe scrolled down to the commentary.
"This song is the most recent one I've written, and given the context, I thought it would be most fitting to put it in the middle. It's been two years, and I've acknowledged that my ex's current girlfriend is nothing like me. It makes me kind of glad to be reminded that no one is quite like you. You're unique, and you only exist once in this world. I don't know why my ex left me for her girlfriend. Maybe I was too adventurous or I was too sarcastic. She was the only one who could handle me, and now I'm afraid nobody will. I guess that's part of the reason why I want her back. Her understanding of me is unique, and that's why I believe we're soulmates. She just knew whenever something was off, or what I needed when I was feeling stressed out or down. This connection is really rare, and you should appreciate it when you got it with someone. You might lose it and don't know what to do with yourself anymore."
The redhead scoffed. The comment made it sound like the brunette only wanted her back because of the connection they shared. "Way to be objective." She muttered. But to be honest, she didn't have that connection with Sasha. Or with anyone, really. Beca was the only person that understood the redhead on such a deep level. More often than not, her girlfriend would misinterpret things and think the redhead was pissed off at her, when really, Chloe was just feeling down and needed a tub of ice cream and a weird rom-com movie. The brunette would've done that immediately, no questions asked. But maybe that connection between Sasha and her would still come. After all, Beca and her had known each other for 10 years. The blonde and the redhead had only known each other for 2. But deep down, Chloe knew that the connection had been there since day one. Well, more exactly, the day the redhead barged into the brunette's shower. She would never forget Beca's beautiful singing voice and her very naked body, covered in tattoos.
Before Chloe could drool more over her ex's body, she forced herself to snap out of it, checking out the next song.
[Naked - Matilda]
I've been worried, I've been scared
Countless sleepless nights of fear
I've been running, running
I've been hiding, I've prepared
For nights wishing you were here
I've been running, running
And I know you don't know
But if you knew
I can let you go, I wish you knew
I know you don't know
So I've been running
I wanna get under your skin
I wanna see you naked, naked, naked
So baby let me in
I wanna see you naked, naked, naked
Chloe stared at her screen, confused. Beca wanted to bang her now? That was new. But not surprising. The brunette had been very vocal about how good the redhead was in bed. Chloe took some pride in that fact. Or did the brunette suggest that she wanted to see the true Chloe, no masquerades, just them, no pretending, no lies, just genuine thoughts and feelings? She shook her head, not wanting to read too deep into that.
I've been losing, I've been lost
Endless hours with my thoughts
I've been running, running
I've been waiting, I'm on hold
I need you 'cause now I'm cold
I stop running, running
And I know you don't know
But if you knew
I can let you go, I wish you knew
I know you don't know
So I've been running
I wanna get under your skin
I wanna see you naked, naked, naked
So baby let me in
I wanna see you naked, naked, naked
Naked, naked
Naked, naked
Naked
I've been trying
To forget that we met
I've been trying
To forget
The redhead didn't know why, but that particular part suddenly felt like someone stabbed through her heart. Beca had been trying,and obviously failing, to forget about their time. Their memories. All the good times that they had. Even Chloe couldn't do that. More often than not, she'd see or hear something that reminded her of the other girl, if she liked it or not. Looking back at it, she realized the huge impact the brunette has had on her life. All the inside jokes that meant nothing to anybody but them. A simple word could send them into hollering laughter while the people around them just looked confused at them. Thinking about it, Chloe realized she didn't have one inside joke with Sasha. Or that she doesn't really have things that remind her of her girlfriend. The redhead pursed her lips. Comparing Sasha and Beca, she realized that her girlfriend was plain and boring while her ex was exciting and adventurous. She noticed that she started missing Beca even more.
I wanna get under your skin
I wanna see you naked, naked, naked
So baby let me in
I wanna see you naked, naked, naked
Naked, naked
Naked, naked
Naked
As the song finished, Chloe felt like she had to cry. She noticed that, while Sasha was a great girl, deep down it was always Beca who she longed for. The redhead wondered if the blonde's and her relationship was built on lies. But that didn't explain why she felt like cheating. Cheating is a shitty thing to do, and yet somehow, Sasha had wrapped Chloe around her finger easily. Maybe it was because of her charm, maybe it was because she was so easy with everything. Easily approachable, easily kissable, easily available… The redhead shook her head, scrolling down to read the comment.
"This song… What can I say about it? It's basically about how I tried to deal with the heartbreak and the pain that followed after our breakup. Trying to forget, trying not to deal with it, trying to move on… It was a really rough time. And all this time I've been thinking, "Why did she do what she did?" I have a feeling she only gave me a half assed answer, that she never gave me the real reason for her cheating. That's why I want to see her naked. Mask off, vulnerable and exposed, genuine about what happened. I think in order to properly move on, we need to talk. No lies, just the plain and blatant truth. It may hurt like a bitch, but in the end, you know where you're at with a person. You would be surprised just how many fake friends you have. [pause] I'm really nervous about releasing this album because I know my ex will catch wind of it. How she will react I don't know, but she can't do more than yell and try to sue me. Or she'll send her girlfriend after me. But maybe, just maybe, it convinces her to talk to me. Who knows what the end of that conversation could be. Either way, I would be much more understanding afterwards. Maybe hurt, maybe happy, but I would finally know."
Chloe felt like the whole world had fallen silent. As her eyes were glued to the comment, she wondered if she did owe Beca an explanation for what she did. But how could the redhead explain something she didn't even understand herself? She was so sure that the brunette was her one as well. And then, Sasha came along. Chloe wondered what would have happened if she had never met the blonde. Would Beca and her still be dating? Probably. Maybe they were already engaged. The thought of marrying the brunette gave the redhead an exciting, butterfly-like feeling in her stomach. It would've been great to spend her life with her ex. But she was an ex for a reason. Chloe made a mistake, and even though the brunette was going around, praising how she'd take her back and forgive her, the redhead really doubted it. It would probably be really rocky, and then they'd part again because the hurt would be too great. She sighed. She had three songs left. The last one was the one she had already listened to, and the second to last one was the one she was most anxious about because it had her name. She cracked her neck before she pressed play, opening the next lyrics.
[All I Want - Emma Bale]
All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody like you
Oh oh
like you
Oh oh
Another song about wanting the redhead back. "Great." Chloe thought, not really knowing what else to say. So she just read along about the brunette's heartbreak and their relationship.
So you brought out the best of me
A part of me I've never seen
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie scenes
But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody
like you
Oh oh
like you
Oh oh
like you
This time, tears were streaming down Chloe's face. The guilt about the hurt and heartbreak she had caused such a wonderful and caring human being was really settling in now. The redhead couldn't believe she was the one who would be hurting her former best friend and ex the most. When from day one she swore to never do that to her. She shook her head, wiping her tears. She didn't know if she was ready to read the comment, but it was like her body was on autopilot, scrolling further down to read over it.
"My ex's and my relationship was really something out of the movies. I don't like them, still, but even I can recognize that. And I think I decided that if I can't have her anymore, even though I want her, I want someone who is mostly like her. Sweet, caring, excited about everything, deeply passionate about today's issues, deep down scared of new things and leaving the old behind, and just the best kisser I've ever had. Seriously, she could make me go weak in seconds. [chuckles] And if you had met me in college, freshman year, you wouldn't recognize me. If it wasn't for her I would still be on a "fuck everyone" kind of vibe while I stubbornly try to do my own thing and keep people at arm's length. But my ex? She took all my walls down faster than I could process it. Before I knew it, I was in the Barden Bellas and competing nationwide. And it was good, that I let her in. Because of that, I let more people in, and now I'm not that scared to do so anymore. Well, of course I have some trust issues now, but… Overall, I got better. I became more social. It was like she got me out of my shell. And I think I'll forever be thankful for that. I think I wouldn't have gotten so far in life without her. She kept me grounded, but encouraged me to go out of my comfort zone regularly. Everybody needs a person like that in their life. I wish everyone that they find that person in their life, and if you got them: Never. Let. Them. Go. That's the best advice I can give here."
Chloe was sobbing by now. She hadn't realized how much the brunette still meant to her. Everything inside her was screaming to just ditch everything, to go to Beca and apologize for everything and take her back. But the redhead knew she couldn't do that. First, she had one song left to listen to. The one with her name. And afterwards she needed to look at the commentary of Follow Your Fire. She took a few deep breaths before calming down, opening the lyrics and pressing play.
[Chloe - Hannah Peel]
To spend a life
In a dizzy maze
A turning phrase of mind
When that fire first took its place
You chose, you chose unblind
Friends can love you, let them try
You can refuse your hand
You chose to do this, yes you did
So never say regret
I don't regret
All the looks that we gave to each other
All the pain we enjoy to uncover
I don't regret
All the feelings of guilt that we harbour
Conversations we had under cover
I don't regret
All the words we exchange by the hour
As we walk through streets like strangers
I don't regret
To deny what we feel is to not live at all
Chloe felt like the whole build up to their relationship was rushing by in front of her inner eye. How she sometimes got caught by Beca when she looked at her, or the other way round, and they'd always flash a smile before the other looked down embarrassed. Or how they always seemed to gravitate closer to each other, or every "accidental" hand brush, or their actual hand holding. How their hugs always seemed to linger. And the redhead's favorite: The lip glances. They had always been there, and whenever the brunette was drunk, her eyes were suddenly glued on her lips, and she'd be staring so much that she sometimes forgot to talk. Chloe always found it hilarious. She focused back on the song, pushing the memories away.
You often watch, as they pass by
You stand in doors disguised
Friends can love you, let them try
You can refuse your hand
You chose to do this, yes you did
So never say regret
I don't regret
All the looks that we gave to each other
All the pain we enjoy to uncover
I don't regret
All the feelings of guilt that we harbour
Conversations we had under cover
I don't regret
All the words we exchange by the hour
As we walk through streets like strangers
To deny what we feel is to not live at all
I don't regret
I live for now
I'm not lonely in the dark
I feel no fear
I'm not lonely in the dark
I'm living now
As we walk through streets like strangers
I don't regret
To deny what we feel is to not live at all
Chloe's hands were trembling as a few tears dropped onto her phone. She shakily scrolled down to the commentary, blinking the tears away so she could read it properly.
"Well, I don't think it was that big of a surprise about who the album was about. I just want to express that even though I'm going through all these feelings, love, hate, pain, heartbreak, I don't mind it. Because, do we really live if we feel nothing at all? [pause] Being with Chloe was the best time of my life. Whether it was just being friends, or actually dating her. I'm sad it ended how it ended, but… I want her to know that I'll forever cherish our time together, no matter if it's the bad or good times. She showed me what true love is like, and that you don't easily find it. As I said earlier, no one could compete with that. And I doubt they ever will. Am I foolish for thinking that? Maybe. But there's a small part of me that just knows that this is a fact. I just… This is getting too deep anyways. Nobody wants to hear about me wanting my ex back. But that's kind of what this album is about. Why I called it "The Truth". It is. Plain and simple. The honest truth. And… It felt good getting this out. It really did."
The redhead sniffled. "Beca…" She sobbed out quietly. The brunette was always someone who would forgive the person who hurt her, no matter what happened. It would take time, but eventually, she would just be ready to accept them back into her life. She just wasn't that cruel.
Chloe was brought back to reality as her phone buzzed. Sasha was calling her. She inhaled sharply, trying her best to sound normal as she answered the phone.
"Hey Chloe, where are you? I don't get why you're suddenly sick and ignore my messages. Care to explain?" The blonde rambled down the line.
"I'm fine." The redhead croaked out, clearing her throat. "Don't worry about me."
"You don't sound fine to me. Babe, have you been crying? What's up?" Her girlfriend asked worriedly.
"It's nothing. I said I'm fine!" Chloe huffed angrily before hanging up. She shook her head angrily. This was all Beca's fault. The redhead knew what to do. She jumped up and shoved her phone into her pocket. She walked over to her car, getting into it before she drove away. She didn't even bother reading the comment on Follow Your Fire, already guessing what it could be about. No, now she had to track down the brunette and ask her what the fuck she thought when she released the album. Well, technically she knew, but what her thought process was when the redhead would hear it. She heard her phone going off, but she ignored it. Sasha was one of her least concerns right now.
If Chloe recalled it correctly, Beca still lived in her studio apartment since she didn't get the deal about moving where all the stars lived. "Thank you for never changing." The redhead muttered. She parked her car outside the apartment complex and stormed up the flight of stairs, knocking on the door. She was ready to smack the brunette, to yell at her, to push her and let all her anger out, but when Beca opened the door, it was like everything Chloe had planned to do faded away into nothingness. She didn't know how long they stood there, looking at each other, the brunette surprised, the redhead with a mix of emotions on her face, but the smaller girl eventually broke the silence.
"Chloe?" She asked, her voice scared, yet also surprised and somewhat hopeful.
Chloe exhaled sharply before she brushed past Beca into her apartment. "I think you know why I came." She started, whirling around to face her ex girlfriend.
"You heard Chloe on the radio?" The brunette asked sheepishly.
"No." The redhead shook her head. "I heard Follow Your Fire. And before I knew it, I was sitting by our tree, listening to your fucking album and reading your goddamn comments because I know how much you like to explain your songs!" She exclaimed. "Why did you have to do this, Beca? What if Sasha finds out about you dropping a whole fucking album about me?! Why did you have to bring up all those memories and emotions I tried to forget?" Her voice broke. "You made me cry! Are you happy about that?"
Beca stood frozen by the door, letting the redhead ramble on. She was too scared to move and with every sentence she felt more and more guilty. She kept her eyes glued to the ground, scratching the back of her head. "I'm sorry, Chloe." She whispered. "I just wanted to finally move on. Like you did."
"Do you realize how fucking selfish that was?" Chloe yelled, stepping closer to the other girl. "You got me sitting there, wondering if being with Sasha is even something I want in the long run! Just because of your stupid songs that tell how much you love me." She was almost in front of her ex, stopping as she glared at her.
The brunette's head snapped up as she looked at the redhead bewildered. "Well, stop blaming me for something that was doomed since the beginning! Everybody knew that you and Sasha weren't gonna last!"
The next second, a loud whacking noise filled the studio apartment. Chloe ignored the stinging in her hand as she looked at Beca, whose head was facing the wall now, a red bruise forming where the redhead had hit her. The smaller girl's hand went to cover the hurting cheek, softly rubbing over it. Both girls were silent. Only the soft whirring of an air conditioner could be heard somewhere. Chloe's eyes grew wide as her brain catched up. "Oh fuck! Shit, shit, shit, shit! Beca, I'm so sorry! I never meant to-"
"Shut it, Chloe!" Beca exclaimed as she turned her head. Her eyes were filled with tears and she looked at the other girl hurt and angry. "I don't want to hear your lame excuse. This just happened and you can't reverse it!" She sniffled as she still held her cheek. "I never thought you would ever actually hit me." She shook her head. "Guess I know now where I stand with you."
"Becs…" The redhead whispered softly, tears falling down her face. She didn't notice the nickname slipping so easily out of her mouth, but she didn't care.
"No!" The brunette glared. "Are you done blowing off your steam? Can you go now?"
Chloe shook her head, not moving. "I'm not done yet."
"I don't care!" Beca sobbed out. "Just go, Chloe."
"No! I don't want to go!" The taller girl protested.
"Why is that? What else damage do you want to cause?!" The brunette asked her ex as a sob escaped her throat.
"Because I still care about you!" Chloe yelled out. "You made me realize how boring Sasha is. You made me realize how adventurous and fun life was with you. I might never know why I ever cheated on you, why I ever went out with Sasha, but thanks to your goddamn songs I regret it so deeply. I know this sounds like I wouldn't have regretted it otherwise, but trust me, I would've done that eventually. You opened my eyes, Beca. You made me realize what I tried to push down for years." She sobbed softly as her knees threatened to give out. But she stood tall, trying not to break down completely.
Beca stood still, staring at her ex. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, soft breaths escaping her mouth. "Funny." She spoke up after a while. "I wanted this to happen. Under other circumstances, maybe, but now that it's here I can't seem to bring myself to forgive you." She chuckled dryly. "Maybe it's because you hit me. Maybe not. But… I don't think I can do this."
"What?!" The redhead whimpered. "Don't bullshit me, Beca."
"I'm not." The brunette shook her head. "Leave."
"Beca!" Chloe cried out.
"Leave before I do something I regret!" Beca replied.
"Do it! I dare you!" The redhead sobbed. "This can't get any worse!"
The brunette shook her head. She ran a hand through her hair, looking up to meet her ex's eyes. "You're unbelievable." She eventually said, dropping her hand. She leaned against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. "We had it all. When did we lose it?"
"I don't know." Chloe sighed. She looked down on the ground, scratching her calf with her foot.
"I need a drink." Beca announced, pushing herself off the wall. "Feel free to join or whatever." With that, she walked into the living room, opening her liquor cabinet. She grabbed the Whiskey and two glasses, putting them down on the coffee table. She poured each of them a glass before sitting down on the couch. She knocked back her drink before refilling it, knocking that back as well. "Are you just gonna stand there?" She asked.
"Sorry." The redhead whispered, moving to sit next to her ex. She took the glass gingerly and took a sip. Still not used to the burn, she scrunched up her face.
The brunette saw that and scoffed. "Still not a fan, huh?"
"It'll do." The taller girl replied, taking a few more sips.
They drank in silence, Beca occasionally getting up to get more liquor. When she stood up again to grab another bottle, she bumped into the table, almost falling over. "Ah, goddammit." She softly cursed.
Chloe couldn't help but giggle, sinking further into the couch. "Watch where you're going, smartypants."
The brunette scoffed as she browsed through her storage. "How about, uhhhh…" She squinted her eyes. "Whatever. I'll just take this." She took the vodka bottle and grabbed two shot glasses before returning to the couch.
"Good luck pouring that in." The redhead commented as she watched the other girl.
"Don't underestimate me, Beale." Beca slurred as she almost perfectly poured the glasses. "Ha, I still got my drunk aim!"
"Woah, totally forgot you had that. That was a real gag back in college." Chloe chuckled as she took the glass from the brunette.
"You remember, look me in the eye while we clink it together or else you will have bad sex for seven years." The smaller girl instructed as they got ready.
"Well, how bad can the sex be if it's with you?" The redhead giggled as they clinked their glasses together and downed it.
"As if we're ever gonna have sex again." Beca shook her head. "That's only for our dreams, it seems."
"Fine." Chloe huffed. She turned her glass in her hand, staring at the small remaining liquor in it. "I think I went with Sasha because she was a safer option." She spoke up after a while.
"Huh?" The brunette asked. She was too concentrated on pouring herself another shot so she didn't hear the other girl. "What?"
"Just… Imagine this. After seven years of wanting you, I finally get you. And somewhere along the road I got scared. Scared that we won't last, that this is too uncertain. Scared that I'll lose you so quick I couldn't even blink twice. Sasha was just… a safe option, I guess." The redhead tried to explain. "I think I portrayed my love for you on her. It made everything easier."
Beca had a sour expression on her face. She nodded slowly, turning to face the other girl. "I don't understand why you didn't come to me. If you were having these fears, why were you so scared to let me in?"
"I guess I was scared that my fears were real." Chloe confessed quietly.
"Chlo." The brunette said softly, taking the redhead's glass out of her hands. She put it down on the coffee table before she took the other girl's hands in hers. "You can feel how deep our love for each other goes. What you feel for me, I feel for you too. I strongly believe we are soulmates." She looked intently at her ex. "Your fear was rightfully there, but if you told me, I could've knocked it away." She frowned.
Chloe tried her best to make sense of what Beca was saying to her, but the alcohol was fogging up her mind. The only thing she realized was that she leaned forward, capturing Beca's lips with her own.
The brunette hesitated but eventually kissed back, pushing the redhead back against the couch as she straddled her hips. The other girl's hands automatically moved to Beca's hips, pulling her closer. The action made Beca moan softly, which spurred Chloe on.
But eventually, her brain caught up and she pulled back, panting softly. "Wait, what about Sasha? What's gonna happen now?"
The brunette had a blank expression before she rolled off the redhead, not facing her. "What do you want to happen? Fuck me and dump me?" She asked bitterly.
"No. I don't… I don't think I want that." Chloe whispered. "I want you."
Beca slowly turned her head to face the other girl. Squeezing one eye shut to study the redhead better, she pursed her lips. "Dump Sasha and fuck me like you mean it."
"Okay." Chloe replied, fishing her phone out of her pocket. She pressed on Sasha's contact and waited for the blonde to pick up.
"Chloe! God, care to explain now? What is with you? Is this about Beca's new album? Are you planning on getting back with her?" Sasha rambled down the line.
"Woah, slow down." The redhead slurred. "I'm too drunk for fast words."
"Drunk? Chloe, where are you? Do you need me to pick you up?" The blonde asked, concerned. "What's wrong?"
"I'm at… Beca's." Chloe nodded as to confirm that she was in fact there. "And I'm calling to dump you." The redhead looked so adorable and funny with her slight pout, Beca had to suppress a laugh.
"What?" Sasha blurted out. "What the fuck, Chloe? Do you suddenly not have feelings anymore?"
"I never had feelings for you. Only for Beca. Bye bye, safe option!" Chloe hung up, dropping her phone on the coffee table a little to harshly. She faced her ex who was smiling at her. "I believe I get a reward?" She simply said.
"Yes. Come here." Beca nodded, pulling the redhead in to kiss her again. Not before long, their clothes were discarded and they spent the rest of the afternoon and evening catching up on two years, getting caught up in each other.