Disclaimer: I want to have a lucrative writing career, but that hasn't happened yet. Also, my name is not Rowling, Pierce, Jackie, or Dishwasher. Imply from there.
AN: Here it is! The start of Year Two! This chapter is another mostly serious one dealing with Harry's abilities. On a side note, it's really hard to make a textbook funny. The reviews from the last chapter of Year One will be answered at the end of the chapter, and I hope that everyone who read the first one will be reading and reviewing this one. It only takes a sec, and all you really need to say is 'Hey, I'm not an aardvark!' -Grins- Or you could just let me know you read it, but where's the fun in that?!
/whoopee!/parseltongue and animal speak
Chapter One: Testing...1, 2, Ack!
The first thing Harry did that summer was to find one of the books he got over Christmas and read through it. It was titled Rare Magical Abilities and Species (Or, What the Heck am I, and Why am I Purple?!). The section on Summoners was fascinating.
Summoners were first recorded during the times of ancient China. It is said that they are chosen by the Gods because they possess certain characteristics which make them worthy. Though they are born from humans and are entirely human in appearance, they are generally considered to be demi-gods. Common traits of summoners include: extreme power, pure hearts, quick minds, and questionable sanity. (Harry shook his finger at the text. "Bad book! No donut!") The last known summoner was Valerian Doodlemeyer, who led an entirely dull and uninteresting life which ended in an accident involving crackers. ("People can die from crackers?" Harry's eyebrows were trying to reach his hairline. Ate smiled from within Jinx. "It also involved an anaconda.") Merlin was the most famous summoner in history and is generally credited with inventing liver pudding. ("Well thank you, Merlin!" Two voices exclaimed sarcastically.)
The abilities of a summoner depend greatly upon their available raw power. On average, a summoner's initial awakening of power will take place at the age of sixteen, at which point they will also find their mate. ("WHAT?!" Harry started hyperventilating. Jinx wrapped herself around his wrist. "Calm down, Harry. All this means is that you'll managed to avoid the pitfalls and terrifying experiences of the dating world and skip to the part where you marry your soul mate and live happily ever after. Now keep reading!") The more powerful the summoner, the sooner the powers will awaken. Merlin, for example, awoke at the age of ten after a nightmare to find himself surrounded by tiny pink elephants. It was said to be one of the defining moments of his life. (Harry blinked. "That can't be right…I've always been able to call you…" "Actually, it's quite correct. Merlin awoke at ten, but we didn't really like him. He was an insufferable know-it-all, like Hermione on steroids." "So the amount that the Gods favor someone also influences the timing?" "Er…yeah, Harry. Sure…") Summoners have the capacity to summon up to three Gods at any given time after their awakening. If they awaken before the age of sixteen, they will be able to summon one God until their awakening takes place. ("I think they mean five…" "Of course they do, Harry." He ignored the Goddess's patronizing tone.) They may also summon non-magical creatures to do their bidding and may call upon minor weather phenomenons in times of crisis. It is speculated that the burning of Rome truly took place because an intoxicated summoner was attempting to light an offering to Dischordia. The more powerful summoners may use wandless magic, empathy, healing magic, and animal speak. ("What's animal speak?" "The ability to talk to any animal." "So I'm not really a parselmouth?" "Technically, you are, but you're a lot of other mouths too.")
Summoners are also possessed of magical skin markings that appear when they call upon a God. They come in small runic designs and large varied designs. These markings serve two purposes: they serve as a warning to any enemies of the summoner, and they act as an indicator of the summoner's power. The more tattoos a summoner possesses, the more powerful he or she is. Valerian Doodlemeyer had a total of 137 tattoos, all of which were small. Merlin had two large tattoos of a phoenix and a unicorn and 498 smaller tattoos. ("Why do mine only appear when I summon three or more?" "It's based on the amount of energy used." Harry laughed nervously. "This book sure does make a lot of mistakes!")
At the age of sixteen, the summoner will find his mate by changes in the amount of heat perceived coming from other people. ("I'm going to find my mate by playing 'Hot and Cold'?") For the period of time until the summoner locates his mate, everyone else except the mate will seem to give off exceedingly cold drafts. The mate will, therefore, draw the summoner like a pyromaniac to a bonfire. The mate is the summoner's perfect match in every way and acts as an anchor for the summoner's increasing powers. They also increase the summoner's mental stability from 'exceedingly questionable' to 'tenuous'. (Harry frowned at the book. "I resent the implication that I'm insane, Demitri." Ate blinked. "Harry, books don't need names. They have titles." "Sorry. I resent the implication that I'm insane, Lord Demitri.") Once the bonding ritual is completed, neither will be able survive the death of the other. For more information on the bonding rituals of summoners, see the book The Mating Habits of Highly Unusual Creatures…
"So I'm a demi-god with a soul mate," Harry somehow failed to look thrilled.
"Actually, that part was incorrect," Odin spoke up from Rumples. "Demi-gods are born of a god and a human. A better term would be 'avatar'."
"Which is?"
"Avatar: n. 1. In Hindu mythology, the incarnation of a god. 2. Any incarnation."
Harry's eyes were wider than Vernon Dursley. "Please tell me I'm the second definition!" He begged.
Ate laughed. "You're the second one."
"There's a pool of five souls that are reincarnated randomly," Odin explained. "For instance, Merlin was reincarnated as Valerian. You have been reincarnated three different times."
"Who was I?" Harry was a little worried, but he was even more curious.
"You were originally born as Shodo Shonin. He was a famous Japanese saint who summoned a giant while he was praying for a bridge. Then you were reincarnated as an Egyptian thief in 987BC. Your name translated to English meant 'tiny cat paws', and by the time the priests got done with you for robbing their temple, it was literal. Last time, you were Salazar Slytherin."
Harry fainted.
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Harry decided not to tell anyone about who he had been unless it became absolutely necessary. He also decided to try out his other gifts…
"First, the animal speak," he said decisively and went to find his owl, Hedwig. Hedwig, however, had abandoned Harry and gone off to serve a gopher tamer named Bob. She had been gracious enough to scratch out a note in Owl on Harry's dresser: ooot whoot op who whoo ot ootwoo trrr ot ooo whoo troo woot oot tr coo trrr to oott tr scrreech reek scree whee squack (Master, I hate your snake and mouse! They keep gumming my leg! I'm going to Bob; they can go to…). Harry ignored the last part of the message.
"ATE! LOKI! WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO HEDWIG?!" The brunette was incensed.
Jinx and Rumples gave him their best innocent looks. "Nothing…"
Harry forced his expression to a deceptive calm. "Does nothing involve biting her legs with your little rubber teeth?"
"Maybe…"
"And what am I going to use to send letters, now?"
The two squeak toys looked at each other thoughtfully, and then Jinx slithered over to one of Harry's spare quills and changed it into a rubber duck. /Have Hermes possess the duck and deliver your letters. He is a messenger god, after all./
Harry blinked. /I'm supposed to send letters using rubber duck post?/
/Yes./
"Okay." Harry, as usual, gave up on any form of a sane solution and went into the forests around Black Manor to look for an animal to talk to.
Ten minutes later, Harry came running out of the forest with an angry wild boar on his heels. /I swear I didn't mean it!/ He shouted back to the boar.
/You sure were singing it loudly enough!/ The boar tossed it's head, attempting to gore the boy.
/I didn't know you were out there! Honestly!/
Harry had been singing the bacon song from The Lion King.
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Harry sat on his bed later that afternoon and tested out the healing magic on his scrapes and bruises. Instead of them fading away, he managed to turn himself a uniform purple. "I wonder if the sub-title of the book was a warning?" he mused as he admired his new plum look.
Sirius knocked on the frame of the open door. And stared. "Harry…" he said slowly, "I don't mean to pry…but why are you PURPLE?!"
Harry tried to think of a response that wouldn't involve telling Sirius that he had just been chased out of the forest by a wild boar for singing a song about bacon. "I read that book on rare magical abilities, and it said I had healing powers. I was trying to test them out."
"What were you trying to heal? A grape?"
"Just some bruises," Harry tried to look innocent.
It didn't work. "Does this have anything to do with the pig Remus saw chasing you out of the forest?" Harry blushed, turning an interesting shade of maroon. Sirius grinned. "I'll take that as a yes."
"I was just trying to talk to it!" Harry said defensively. Sirius blinked. "I can do that too."
"So you're a porker-mouth?" Remus spoke up from the doorway. The werewolf was obviously suppressing giggles.
Harry groaned as Sirius collapsed into a fit of laughter. "It's called animal speak, and I just happened to test it out on a boar."
"Except that he wasn't really meaning to test it out yet," Rumples said helpfully. "He was just singing." The mouse began mimicking Harry's voice: Are you achin' for some bacon? He's a big pig, and you can be a big pig too! Soueee!
While the Marauders were rolling on the floor of Harry's room, Harry prayed for spontaneous combustion. "Does anyone know how to un-purple me?" It took three days before they figured it out.
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Harry decided to try out his empathy at a dinner party the Malfoys were hosting. Sirius and Remus bought him purple dress robes for the occasion.
Draco greeted him at the door. "Met anymore ferocious pigs?" The blonde asked mischievously.
"Is there anyone who doesn't know about that?"
"Just people on deserted islands." Draco was comforting, as usual. "So have you found any animals that you haven't offended? Why didn't you try talking to Hedwig?"
"Hedwig left me for a man named Bob."
Draco blinked. "Why?"
"Rumples and Jinx kept trying to eat her."
"What are you going to use to send letters?"
"Rubber ducks."
The blonde burst out laughing, until he saw that Harry was serious. "You're really going to send out correspondence by rubber duck?!"
"Yes." Draco ran into an empty room and laughed himself silly. Harry waited outside, tapping his foot. "Are you done now?" he asked as the blonde emerged.
The Slytherin stifled a giggle. "Yes."
"I'm going to try out my empathy," Harry announced. "Want to help?"
Draco grinned evilly. "What did you have in mind?"
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Harry had decided that the only way to test out his empathy was to make people feel something that could be easily distinguished from his own feelings. So he and Draco snuck down to the kitchens before dinner was served and added a few things to the dishes. As everyone sat around the huge dining table that night…
The first course appeared: a funny looking salad that was supposedly French. Draco and Harry shared a conspiratorial grin as everyone took a bite. The entire table erupted into wide grins and smiles; some people were laughing without a reason. Harry reached out mentally to the people around him and felt an overwhelming wave of joy. 'First course: cheering charms!' Harry thought. 'Well, that was easy!'
The second course was designed to help Harry isolate different people's feelings. It was soup. Shark fin soup.
As shark fins began appearing in the bowls of every third person, Harry reached out again. It was ridiculously hard to concentrate with a fattened matriarch screaming next to him. Cheer, cheer, fear. Cheer, cheer, fear. Harry gave Draco a thumbs-up sign. (At the head of the table, Lucius, Narcissa, Sirius, and Remus were all laughing at the soup victims. Severus had taken the soup of the person next to him and thrown it-fin and all-at the screaming woman.)
Next came filet mignon on a bed of parsley. The seasoning on every fourth dish was a mild hallucinogen, and Harry was easily able to distinguish between the people who were out of their minds and the ones enjoying the show. (Sirius was currently swinging on the chandelier and shouting, "The invasion has begun! Call Dumbledore! The mutant asparagus are taking over London!" Narcissa was attempting to scalp the Parkinson family while doing a Pawnee war dance.)
Draco leaned over to Harry. "Maybe we should administer the antidote?" The brunette nodded, and Draco summoned the fourth course. The dishes of mint ice cream had three charms and a potion in them. The first charm canceled out the cheering charm, the potion canceled the hallucinogen, and the third charm drew the guests to eat the ice cream. The fourth charm made sure all of them thought they had a lovely time and attended the best dinner party ever thrown.
The two Slytherins smiled at each other as everyone began eating. "How much trouble do you think we're in?" Draco asked casually.
Harry felt for Lucius and Narcissa's emotions. "I'm pretty sure they think it was a plot by the Zabini's or the Parkinson's to disgrace the Malfoy name, and it backfired on them."
"So if we play it right, we aren't suspects at all!" The blonde was grinning widely and watching the still swinging chandelier.
Harry searched for his Godparent's and the Potions Master's feelings. Remus was still laughing internally over the invading asparagus, and Sirius was trying to control the urge to swing on the chandelier again. Severus was only an inch away from finishing the job Narcissa had started. Harry sighed in relief. "I think we're safe."
The blonde had a wicked glint in his eyes. "Next dinner party: a re-enactment of the American Civil War!"
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Happy New Year, everyone! Thankfully, that's the last overtly plot-related chapter for a while! I hate writing anything serious…can you tell? Anyway, a big thanks to all my reviewers and the people who've put me on their favorites and/or author alert! Much more fun next chapter, I promise!
Dischordia is the goddess of dischord. (Ducks rotten tomatoes as people yell out "Duh!") And I know a formal dinner is supposed to have seven courses, but I could only think of four things that the Malfoys might serve at a dinner. I guess you could say it was a light supper party... (Ducks more rotten tomatoes.)
Night-Owl123: I've decided to do it in a series of sequels 'cause I doubt most people would want to read a 70 chapter fic. This makes it more manageable. Glad you like insanity! I'm also a big fan! -Gives out rubber duck-
athenakitty:
Signeus: -grins- That's actually a better interpretation that mine: "I don't own a corvette or Harry Potter." Thanks! Look on the bright side…with all that clothing you can camouflage a tiger-pit in your house or dorm and trap people to use for experiments. (Wow…that was unusually sadistic of me!) –Gives out rubber duck and tiger-pit kit-
Nahirta: I've discussed the possibility of a conspiracy with Rumples, and he's graciously agreed to take over the world. He should be contacting the other stuffed animals shortly with plans for domination. You're welcome! -Gives out rubber duck-
Zesuit: How about six sequels? Thanks for reviewing! –Gives out rubber duck-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: Wow! You guys get rooms like that too?! (feels a little less special now that she knows other people go to the happy bouncy fun place, too) I usually leave by setting fire to the pillows and stuffing them down people's shorts. –Gives out rubber duck-
Drake Smythe: Happy to be of service! -Gives out rubber duck-
Lady FoxFire: -pouts- I missed out on a free coat?! Dang it! -Gives out blackberry pie with whipped cream and a rubber duck-
Shadowed Rains: -Grins- You know, I find that taking codine-laced cough syrup and watching Cirque d' Solei (sp?) cures most everything, or at least gives you very weird dreams! Get well soon!! –Gives out rubber duck and cough syrup-
Lady Melime Alasse: Thanks! I'm so glad you like it!! Incidentally, Fluffy is only a puppy because Persephone is a nitwit. :) -Gives out rubber duck-
CRose: Thanks! -Gives out rubber duck-
nightstone131302: Thanks so much!! There's more funniness on the way! -Gives out rubber duck-
Ello: I hope your keyboard's alright… Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out rubber duck-
kbat: Well, here it is! I hope you like it. This chapter was a bit too serious for my tastes, but the others will contain more humor. –Gives out rubber duck-