"Condemned,"
Elsa thought out loud to herself as she turned onto the small road leading up to the highschool.
"I stand condemned."
She pulled over to the side, just in front of the main entrance, the same spot where she waited every day to pick up Anna. It was Friday, so she was hoping her sister would scoot out the front door quickly before the buses and the usual onslaught of traffic got ahead of them.
Elsa grabbed her phone. Within minutes, a dozen tabs were opened.
Nice going, dumbass. You're sitting here burning gas you can't afford, drinking overpriced coffee you can't afford, when you could just be reading inside that computer room right now like you usually are at this time of day anyway!
She read through them rapidly, the self-pitying words of each link satiating her latest internal outburst of self-hatred. Then she got to the last one.
Do you seriously have that opened right now?
Elsa sunk her head in shame. She wanted to close the one tab that had prompted her conscience to rebuke her.
How would Anna feel if you did that?
The girl tightened her eyes in pain. She felt like she was going to explode. Anxiety washed over her.
She'd be all alone in this world and it would be all your fault!
*thud thud
Elsa jumped out of her seat in panic at the sound of the loud knocking against the passenger window.
"Shit. It's just Anna."
She had no idea how 30 minutes went by just like that, but there Anna was. Elsa quickly hit the lock button on her phone and unlocked the car.
"Hi Elsa!" the redheaded girl exclaimed in her usual cheery voice. She didn't even ask before grabbing a sip of Elsa's latte.
"Ooooh, that's perfect for a day like today!" Anna said as she tossed her backpack behind her seat.
"Yeah, I guess it is," the blonde girl meekly said back.
"Seriously though, how are we getting weather like this in the middle of April?" Anna wondered aloud.
Elsa sighed and looked out the window as she simultaneously zipped around the curb to avoid the rush of students heading for the buses.
Cripes, she's not kidding about the weather.
The Polar Vortex that had plagued the Midwest all winter wasn't done yet, and Elsa remembered why she had dipped out of her Senior intern class early to splurge on a nice hot drink. Her internship technically only required actual work on Monday's, and the rest of the week, she spent sixth hour in the student newsroom just playing on the computer, since no one could stop her anyway. But on this day, she just wanted a relief from the latest blizzard.
Until her broken conscience decided to give her hell along the way.
"Oh hey, is everything..." Anna paused mid-sentence, the tone of her voice going from upbeat to concerned.
"….is everything ok?" she asked as they successfully sped away. "I mean, I was just surprised to see you parked over there."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Elsa responded sheepishly as she realized that her pity party on the phone had prevented her from pulling up to the front side walk so her sister could hop right in. Elsa felt a twinge of guilt for making her cross the street in this horribly icy weather.
"I was reading away and just got distracted there, I guess," she said with half a smile.
Anna knew better by now.
"Hey, what the hell Anna!" she barked as Anna grabbed her older sister's phone from the middle dashboard and began typing in the four digit pass code.
Elsa felt her breaks lock as she sped too quickly through the snowy road. She couldn't stop her sister now.
Anna took one look at the screen, starred blankly, and slowly set the phone back down. She then turned her head towards the passenger window without saying a word.
Well done loser! Now she knows how fucking selfish you really are!
"Anna listen, I..."
The younger girl turned her face to her, and Elsa's heart crumpled at the sight of her sister's watery eyes.
Silence consumed the car, and all she heard for several seconds was her sister holding back sobs to prevent herself from crying, and the sound of the heat blasting through the car vents.
Elsa decided to say nothing as she focused on the road. She pinned her lips together, consumed with the emotional pain that she knew her sister was also going through right now.
Anna finally broke the silence,
"I love you...so much, Elsa," she said softly
Elsa nearly burst into tears herself. The only thing that stopped her was her extra focus on the treacherous roads. She forced out a defense of herself instead.
"Anna, look, I'm not planning anything."
Yes you are you dirty liar. You've been planning this for a month now!
"It's just, I'm getting worse and worse, and I was looking for help is all."
Great, she probably thinks her own help isn't good enough for you!
Anna opened her mouth about to say something back, but the words escaped her. She had already done the beg-and-plead routine with her big sister multiple times. She knew that Elsa was hurting inside more than she was letting on, but now her worst fears were confirmed.
If only she knew how much she is adored
Anna let out another sob at the very thought. She leaned her chair all the way back and closed her eyes, trusting instinctively that her sister wouldn't screw up or do anything stupid in this crazy weather.
The two girls said nothing the rest of the chilly ride home.
The secret's out now, idiot
Elsa still couldn't believe she had let that happen. She knew better than to let Anna get anywhere near her web browsing habits. She knew that Anna was growing increasingly suspicious of her true emotional state. As she lay on her bed alone in her room, she berated herself for letting her dark secret out.
She doesn't even want to look at you right now.
That much was true. Anna hadn't even looked at Elsa as she grabbed her backpack from the back and quickly scooted into the house. Elsa heard her bedroom door lock from downstairs. She grabbed what was left of her coffee and quietly walked upstairs to her own room. As she walked by her little sister's room, she had heard the muffled crying into the pillow.
See? This is what you've caused. This is what you're causing!
As Elsa replayed the events of that day in her head, something inside her snapped. She lept up off the bed and headed for her desktop.
"Oh good, he's available right now," she said to herself as she noticed the green dot by his name. Elsa clicked on it.
"Hi Jack," she typed. "Got a moment?"
What are you even trying to accomplish right now?
Elsa didn't have any romantic feelings for Jack. Or for anyone, for that matter. But what she needed right now was someone to talk to, and Jack had been a good friend to her for over a year now. He was probably the only person other than Anna who knew how deeply she was hurting, and who also cared for her.
"Sure Elsa. What's up?"
"Well, I..."
The ensuing conversation went farther than Elsa had intended it to, and she poured out more than she knew she should. But for some reason, she felt relieved for doing so. At least someone else other than Anna and frigging Hans knew what she was suffering from: That crippling sadness that turned her conscience against her and tormented her with cruel thoughts and insults every day. Even when she made the smallest of decisions.
"I'll tell you what," Jack said. "Can you meet at the ice cream parlor tonight?"
"The one in front of the highschool?" Elsa responded. The fact that it was like Siberia outside meant nothing to her.
"Yeah, that one. In the back parking lot behind the building. I'll be in my pickup truck."
Elsa knew Jack was trustworthy.
"Deal," she said. "Would 7:00 work?"
"Yes. See you then."
Elsa gave the yellow thumbs up.
The green dot disappeared from Jack's name, and Elsa closed her browser and leaned back in her chair. She let out a sigh.
*thud thud
"Damn it. Seriously?" Elsa muttered to herself as she nearly fell backwards.
"Can I come in, Elsa?"
It's just her again you coward!
Elsa made a grimaced expression and then got up to open the door. She kept her head down, too filled with shame and regret to look her loving sister in the eye.
"I'm sorry for making you feel guilty earlier," Anna said
Jesus, this girl discovers that you are thinking about doing the most selfish deed imaginable, and yet she feels sad for hurting your feelings?
This time Elsa spoke before the crushing guilt choked her into silence.
"I'm meeting with Jack tonight," she exclaimed matter-of-factly.
"Oh! That's...that's good!" Anna was taken aback and didn't really know what to say. She was just happy that her older sister was seeking help.
"Yeah, I mean, he...I don't know if he still has a crush on me or not, but I know he's almost as caring as you are," Elsa said with a smile.
Anna smiled back and yet also choked up at the same time. Hearing herself say those words caused Elsa to feel tears welling up too.
The two girls glazed at each other.
The thick cloud of sadness in the air was too much for both of them, and they instinctively embraced.
As they hugged, Anna was able to let out some words, and they were similar to the words she had written in a poem to Elsa the previous Christmas, right before this awful Polar Vortex hit.
"I'm right out here for you, Elsa. And I always will be here for you for as long as I live."
The words caused Elsa to tighten her embrace. She so desperately wanted to escape her pain, but she also didn't want to break Anna's heart.
Oh my gosh, what am I going to do?