Can't We Start Again?
An H/Hr fluffy song-ficlet that continues the scene from the 6th movie where Harry comforts Hermione.
What if I let you in,
what if I make it right,
what if I give it up,
what if I want to try,
What if I take a chance,
what if I learn to love?
We hadn't been sitting there very long, but I was loath to leave. Even after her sobs petered out into sniffles and her entire body stopped shaking.
My hands were wet, from the falling tears but I didn't dare move to wipe them away. I ran my fingers gently over her arm again, telling her it was going to be alright.
I remembered all the time she'd been there for me, just always believing in me and supporting me in a way no one else had. Even Ron had doubted me once before, but she never had. She'd always believed I could do anything.
What had I done to deserve such a good friend?
And I remember everything…everything I loved, I gave it away like it wasn't enough
"You alright then?" I whispered, not sure exactly why I was whispering.
I felt her rich honey-colored curls move against my cheek in a nod.
"I'm alright…just…just needed a good cry, that's all. I feel so much better…"
She sat up, and my shoulder suddenly felt very cold without her head there. I restrained the impulse to pull her close again. Her eyes were puffy and red, as was her nose, and I cursed my luck for not bringing a hanky or something.
"Thank you…" she barely breathed, not looking at me but at the stones at her feet. I kept watching her, and touched her hand quickly. Her mouth twitched into a bit of a smile.
"You're such a good friend, Harry…that's why I just know whatever happens to you…you'll get through it. Unlike me. I must look a wreck-"
She turned away as if her face was hideous but I caught her cheek with my hand and brought her face back to me, her eyes searching mine.
All the words I said and all you forgive…
"You don't look a wreck. Honestly." I didn't have to say anything else for her to understand what I meant. She stood up, giving a shuddering sigh and pocketing her wand. I followed suit a bit awkwardly.
"So…when are you going to tell Ginny?"
I studied her curiously. For a moment I'd forgotten all about my own issues.
"That you like her, Harry." Hermione smiled a bit, then sniffled, looking preoccupied. "It's always best if the BOY is the one to get the ball rolling…"
I don't exactly know what possessed me but it felt like the right thing to do. I let my hand rest on the small of her back comfortingly.
"Ron'll come around. He always does. Just takes a bit longer then most."
Before I could react she'd leaned against me, sighing again, her head on my shoulder once more. I kept my hand on her back and gently eased her towards the stairs. I was amazed I could even move through all the shivers.
What if I let you in?
What if I make it right?
What if I give it up?
What if I want to try?
"So…the party's probably still going on upstairs." I commented, just to break the silence as we made our way up the stairs, our steps synchronized. It felt so common to be walking up the stairs like this with Hermione, that the snickers from a gaggle of fourth years by one of the hall windows caught me off guard.
"Oh get on, you. Don't you have studying to do or something?" I waved my wand hand threateningly in their direction and they left, but not after giving us a few more derogatory glances.
Underclassmen. Really.
During that whole altercation Hermione hadn't said a word. Just clung a bit more to my side with her hand. I could almost feel her fingernails through my shirt and hooded jumper.
"I don't…I don't think I can go back to the party…not like this." she said it with concern in her voice, her brows furrowed with worry.
'What do you mean? Like I said before, you look fine. Honestly, girls and their preoccupation with their looks." I said it playfully, but it didn't do much to brighten her mood.
"I mean…I mean, I can't go in…with you."
My blood ran cold. I could feel it slowing down in my veins, my throat tightening. I'd felt this way before. When I'd seen Ginny with Dean. Only minus the monster.
"Why…why not, Hermione?" I let my hand drop from her back, and she let hers drop from my side. It felt like a betrayal of some sort.
"People will talk…you know how they get. I just…I don't want to risk ruining things with Ron again. If…if he thinks you and I…He'd never forgive you, Harry, can't you see?"
For the first time in…a day, probably…I was confused. What was going on? Ron jealous…of me and Hermione?
"But…he knows…we're friends. Why would-"
Then suddenly I knew. I knew Ron almost as well as Hermione knew me. Ron didn't see reason when it came to stuff like this. He just saw what was in front of him and went with it, no matter what the true circumstances were. Before, I might have agreed with Hermione, anything to keep things from being ruined further. But not anymore…I didn't want to let this go.
What if you take a chance?
What if I learn to love?
What if, what if we start again?
"So come on, let's just keep walking. It's only 8:30. Got loads of time before lights out."
Hermione hesitated, her eyes flicking to the place where the fourth years had been, then sighed. She was obviously grateful for the opportunity and not sure if she should be.
"Yeah, that sounds nice."
She walked next to me down the dimly lit corridors. Not with me, next to me, hugging herself for warmth in the night chill. It smelled like rain and wet grass and stone. Which was curious, considering we were on the 7th floor. I saw her smile.
"Are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"The grass smell."
"Oh…no. Are you?"
I smiled at her skeptically, shaking my head. She giggled. Such a nice sound. Hermione rarely giggled around me. I wondered why…
Maybe because she was too worried about you being killed, Harry, ever think of that?
Of course.
"So, any luck with getting that memory from Slughorn?" I had waited for the past hour for her to get serious, and here it was.
"No, not really…he knows what I'm after and he's avoiding me."
"Well, you really should get on it Harry, I mean if Dumbledore wants it so badly I'm sure-"
"I know it's important. So's this." I waved my hands broadly in front of me, and then at her.
"So's what? Talking to me?" she was getting a bit flustered.
I sighed. "My friends. My life at school. My classwork, my homework. Quidditch practice. Regular old stuff."
Her brow furrowed. Oh boy, here it comes.
"But Harry, Dumbledore said only you could get the memory from Slughorn! If he's depending on you for something so important, I really think it should take precedence over everything else and-"
Just then, Malfoy passed by on our right, as far against the wall as was humanly possible, wearing a suit. He had big circles under his eyes. I glared at him as he went until I felt Hermione's hand on my arm. Squeezing, pleading.
"Harry, stop it. We really don't know if he's done anything yet. He could be behind those attacks, he could not be. Just because you hate him-"
I spun on her, anger flaring in my eyes. "Why does nobody trust me? I expected YOU of all people to trust me, Hermione!"
She was hurt. Near tears again. I could see it by the light of the torch. Since when had her eyes looked so beautiful that way? They weren't dark blue like Ginny's, but honey brown, just a few shades darker then her hair.
"Sorry…" I mumbled offhandedly, and started back down towards the Common Room.
"Harry, wait! Where are you going?" she jogged to keep up with me.
"Back to the party. It's no use talking to someone who doesn't trust you."
"But Harry I do! I DO trust you!"
All this time
I can make it right
With one more try
Can we start again?
In my eyes,You can see it now,
Can we start again, can we start again?!?
"Then why do you refuse to believe me about Malfoy." it was more of a statement then a question.
She didn't answer. We were both lost in the silence hanging in the air for a good while. It didn't feel awkward, even though it should have. I felt her take my hand, slowly slipping her fingers between mine.
"Maybe it's because…because I'm afraid that if I do…if I just follow you blindly everywhere because I trust you so much…it'll ruin what we have."
"What do we have, then?" it was almost a whisper. I knew the answer. Just wanted to hear her say it.
"Our friendship, Harry. If people start thinking we're-well more…"
Silence again. Her hand started squeezing mine again, and she leaned against me. Her hair smelled so good…like flowers. Not the ones that Ginny's hair smelled like, but different. In a good, familiar way. It felt like home.
"Why would that be such a bad thing?" I said quietly, remembering Dumbledore's comment. If even Dumbledore noticed, maybe…maybe this was what was meant to be, and we should just throw caution to the wind. But she'd told me so many times she didn't see me that way.
"You know…I don't really know why…" she looked surprised, like she hadn't expected herself to say that out loud. I draped an arm gently over her shoulders. The moon had come out, and it was nearing curfew, but I don't think either of us cared.
I looked down on her face and noticed that she was crying again. But quietly, no sobs, and smiling.
"Harry I…I value our friendship far too much. If this doesn't work out I would never be able to look at you the same way again...I don't think I can live with that."
She moved away from me, then turned to face me, her honey-colored eyes boring into mine. The same eyes that had scrutinized me that day on the train.
"YOU'RE Harry Potter!"
Not a trace of star-struckness, just simple fact. She hadn't been afraid of me, she hadn't seemed to really care at the time. To her, I was just another boy…with a greater destiny.
Emptiness inside me, wonder if you see
It's my mistake and it's hurting me
I know where we've been
How did we get so far?
"Just because we're not…you know…" she blushed before continuing. "Doesn't mean that I don't love you, Harry. I love you almost as much as I love my parents. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you…" she trailed off, obviously choking back tears.
"And even though we're not together, I'll always be with you."
I felt tears pricking my own eyes and I pulled her into a fierce hug. It lasted a long time. I didn't want it to ever end. But finally, it did, both of us pulling away at the same time, not blushing, no longer crying.
"Me too…" I'd thought the words, but had said them too.
"You need to be brave, Harry. For both of us, now."
"I know."
And suddenly I didn't want to be near her anymore. The cold emptiness from before filled me up and just left me feeling…heavy. I didn't really like it and I thought getting away might help.
"Well…good night then…best be off…they're probably wondering where the Quidditch captain is." I chuckled lightheartedly, then, hesitating slightly, I leaned forward and kissed her on the head, just a light, wistful brush of my lips, and I was down the corridor back to the common room.
She didn't follow me, but I could feel her eyes on my back until I was out of sight.
can we start again...?