Author's Note: Happy Valentines Day, all! 3 Just a fun little story to take you away from life's troubles :)
CISCO:
Iris: Hi, Cisco. Thanks for meeting me.
Cisco: Is this about... you-know-who? Because I can't talk about... that person on tape.
Iris: No, it's not about the Flash, and, anyway, this is just for me.
Cisco: Oh. So why am I here? Because I'm getting coffee with Caitlin in 10 minutes, and-
Iris: Sit back down. I'm doing a self-assigned writing project. It's to find out everyone's worst breakup story, whether it's you getting dumped, or you doing the dumping. After that I'll write a paper, so whenever you guys are feeling down about your love lives, you can look at it, and find out that it's not actually as bad as it seems.
Cisco: Huh. That's an interesting idea.
Iris: ...So, you going to tell me what your worst breakup story is?
Cisco: What? You're asking me?
Iris: Yeah, you, everyone on Team Flash.
Cisco: Alright, let me think: Worst breakup story, huh? Hmmmm... Ha, that didn't take long.
Iris: Go ahead. The tape is ready and recording.
Cisco: So. It all started on a normal day, when I was going to get coffee from Jitters with Barry. I was trying to convince him to ask Patty on a date, when, out of nowhere, I saw the most gorgeous woman.
In the name of showing Barry how it was done, I asked her if she'd like to go on a date with me. She said no!
Iris: That's your worst breakup story?
Cisco: I'm not done, jeez. If that was my worst, life would be a breeze.
Now, the next time I went to Jitters, the gorgeous woman -Kendra, is her name- decided that she did, in fact, want to go on a date with me.
We went on our date, to go see the Princess Bride- which is a great movie, by the way, you should totally watch it. But! When I reached to hold her hand, I vibed! I saw her -though I didn't know it was her at the moment- but she was a giant hawk-girl!
Iris: I think I see where this is going.
Cisco: That's not possible; this is totally the most original story you're going to get on your search.
Continuing on: Fast foreword a few weeks, and, low and behold, Kendra is in terrible danger and being chased by an immortal murderer while her soul mate tries to get her to remember that she's actually a hawk-demigoddess from Egypt hundreds of years ago.
Iris: Never mind. I have no idea where this is going. Or even what's happening.
Cisco: Told you. I won't go through all the details, but by the end of the week, Kendra was flying off into the sunset (literally), newly reunited with her soulmate. Last I heard, they went on a time-ship and he died again. So, how was that for a nasty breakup story?
Iris: Pretty awesome. Thanks for you time.
Cisco: Hey... who are you doing next? Because I know that HR happens to-
Iris: I'll figure it out, don't worry. Goodbye, Cisco.
CAITLIN:
Iris: Hey, Caitlin!
Caitlin: Hi, Iris. I'm guessing that you want to talk to me about my worst breakup story?
Iris: Does word spread that quickly?
Caitlin: You told Cisco.
Iris: Fair point.
...
...
Iris: So... got anything interesting?
Caitlin: Other then the dead fiancé turned alive turned FIRESTORM turned husband turned dead again?
Iris: ...Sure, yeah, let's skip that. As juicy as it is, this wasn't meant to be an upsetting project, so...
Caitlin: So no Jay?
Iris: No Jay.
Caitlin: Ok, that's what I thought, just clarifying. Well, now I'll have to think. And this can be if you've dumped someone, too?
Iris: Yeah, though I kind of doubt I'll have much of those. People tend to think that when they are targeted it's worse then when they are doing the targeting.
Caitlin: Aright. Let me see... oh, this one's pretty good. Not as good as the dead fiancé turned alive turned FIRESTORM turned husband turned dead again one, but still good.
Iris: Talk away.
Caitlin: There was this boy, I met him as a junior in high school, a transfer student from California, I believe. His name was Matt, and he was a football player. Super buff, and tall, and-
Iris: Pretty much like everyone other guy you end up with.
Caitlin: ...Yeah, pretty much.
Iris: Continue.
Caitlin: So Matt asked me to prom, which was super weird because he's, like, this popular football player, and I'm this super-nerd, and those two sides did not mix at all. I guess that gave me some respect for him, and I agreed to go.
Night of prom, I've got this really pretty dress, and I'm super nervous, wait, forgot to tell you: Before this, I've never had a boyfriend, or gone on a date, or done anything like that before.
Iris: Junior year of high school and you hadn't gone on a date yet?!
Caitlin: Hey, I was taking 5 AP classes. I didn't really have time.
Iris: That's fair. Go on with the story.
Caitlin: Right. Night of prom, super nervous, I've got my corsage, and I'm standing on my front porch waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and no one was coming. Finally, a hour late, Matt shows up in a convertible with none other then another girl in the front seat.
Iris: Ouch.
Caitlin: Yeah.
Iris: Soooo... what'd you do?
Caitlin: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just walked over to the car and got in. We drove to our high school, and I spent the night in the corner, watching everyone else dance. The next day, the girl who was in the convertible with Matt comes up to me and lets me know, "Just to fill you in, Matt was dared to ask you to prom. I was his real date."
Iris: Whoo... that's harsh.
Caitlin: Scarred me for the rest of high school.
Iris: Don't tell me you didn't go on another date!
Caitlin: Not until collage.
Iris: Girl, you gotta learn to let this stuff go.
Caitlin: Hey, it hasn't changed. Every relationship I've had so far is cursed. Matt, Keith, Ronnie, Jay...
Iris: Not Julian.
Caitlin: How- what- I'm not- we're not- but- how did you-
Iris: I'm a reporter, Caitlin. I notice things.
Caitlin: I, uh, have to go, thanks for inviting me, I hope your paper goes well, bye!
BARRY:
Barry: Hello, Iris!
Iris: Hey, Barry. I'm guessing Cisco's told you my mission, too?
Barry: If it's the one about the breakup stories, yes.
Iris: Yep. Got any juicy stories that I can spread to the general public?
Barry: ...
Iris: Barry, I was kidding.
Barry: Oh, right, heh, course you were. Thing is, I think that you know all of the stories of every single one of my breakups.
Iris: Actually... you never did tell me about your break up with Becky Cooper...
Barry: You're still not over that, are you?
Iris: Come on! I don't have an sisters, so you were the only love gossip I had. You finally go on a date, and then you won't even tell me what happened when you get home with ketchup all over your shirt!
Barry: Remember how Joe thought it was blood?
Iris: And I was like, 'I told you that girl wasn't good for you! Look, she's gone and killed you!'
Barry: Man, you thought you were so funny.
Iris: What are you talking about? I was hilarious! But now we're getting off target. Details. Now.
Barry: Yes ma'am. Alright, so here's the deal.
Becky took me out to a sandwich place. Or, I took her out. We took each other out? Either way, we went out to a sandwich place.
Iris: Wow, I can see why you didn't tell me this story. It is booooring.
Barry: Shut up, I'm not done.
So, we're at this sandwich place, and Becky, out of the blue, says we'll get a sub to split! And you know how there is no arguing with that girl once she decides something.
Iris: Actually, I have no problem arguing with her. You just didn't because your scared of her.
Barry: I was not! Do you want to hear the story? Because I can get up and-
Iris: No, Barry, sit down! You can finish, I won't say anything.
Barry: Better. Let's go back to the sandwich place.
Becky orders this sub, and before I can ask to get my own order, the waiter just walks off! Like, dude! I wasn't done ordering! So I'm sitting there, debating how to tell Becky that subs make me sick, when I get this genius idea.
Iris: Oh no.
Barry: What if I spilled ketchup on myself, and then escaped to the bathroom to clean it up? And, when I got back, I could tell Becky I wasn't feeling well, and we could go home, and then I wouldn't have to eat the sub, or deal with the embarrassment of not being able to eat the sub.
But then I looked down and saw that I was wearing this super nice shirt, you know the one, it was all white and collared and fancy, and Joe would kill me if I came home with it messed up.
By then I was freaking out. I really really did not want to puke in front of this super gorgeous, popular girl who had asked me on a date-
Iris: Whoa whoa whoa. She asked you?! You told me you had asked her!
Barry: Because I knew that I would never hear the end of it if I told you I had been asked by a girl on my first date!
Iris: Well, you're right about that. Get back to the story.
Barry: I was trying to, but then you went and interrupted.
Finally, I just broke down. My high school self just couldn't handle the stress. I was about to tell her that subs made me sick, when I leaned foreword on the table and-
Iris: OMG, you splattered your shirt with ketchup?
Barry: No! I knocked over my glass of water. It went all over her, and she got really upset about how that was her favorite shirt and I had just ruined it, because it was dry clean only, and then-
Iris: She squirted your shirt with ketchup?
Barry: No! Jeez, you're a seriously bad guesser.
Iris: I am not! I called nearly everything that happened in, like, all the Avengers movies!
Barry: Fine, I'll give you that.
Iris: Now, get back to the story! I want to know what happens.
Barry: And then the waiter came over. And- don't you dare say anything to do with splattering ketchup- he set down our plates. Or, our plate, it was only one dish. So there was this giant sub sitting in front of us, and Becky was sobbing, and so I offered her some of the sub, trying to make her happy.
And all of the ketchup from the end-
Iris: Slides unto your shirt!
Barry: NO! Still no! We're not at that part yet!
Iris: Goodness, this is a long story.
Barry: That's just because you keep interrupting.
Continuing on: All of the ketchup from the end slides unto the table. We've got this nice, white tablecloth, and now it's completely stained with splattered ketchup. I tried to clean it up with my napkin, and all the while Becky's crying, and the waiter is groaning about how this will come out of his paycheck, and people are starting to look at us funny.
I reached up to cover my face, still holding the napkin -man, I was such a mess at the point-, and ketchup gets all over my face.
Then- then- I dropped it on my shirt.
Iris: ... For real? That's how you got ketchup on your shirt?
Barry: Yup.
Iris: ...
Barry: ...
Iris: You're dead serious.
Barry: I am.
Iris: ...
Barry: ...Can I go now?
Iris: Yes, you can go now. Thanks for the chat. I always knew that girl was awful.
JESSE:
Iris: Hey, Jesse! Thanks for joining me.
Jesse: All the way from Earth 2. It's nice to see you again.
Iris: I asked you here to talk about your worst break up story. I don't know if you've heard about my project yet, being on Earth 2 and all...
Jesse: Oh, yeah, Caitlin told me. Honestly, I haven't dated much, because, you know... my dad is majorly overprotective and all.
Iris: You've got to have something.
Jesse: Does... Wally count?
Iris: Did you guys break up? Where you ever even dating?
Jesse: Umm... sort of? A long distance relationship? All it would be is the dramatic exit through the breach back to Earth 2. But... I came back, so it was never a "break up".
Iris: So, nothing else? No annoying Earth 2 guy?
Jesse: The worst I've got is him telling me he wasn't right for me. It was either that or my dad scared him away.
Iris: That Harry.
Jesse: Yeah... sorry I can't be more helpful.
Iris: That's alright. Can you tell Wally he's up next?
Jesse: Sure. Thanks Iris.
Iris: See ya, Jesse.
WALLY:
Wally: Um... Jesse said you were looking for me?
Iris: Yes, dear brother. Sit down.
Wally: Do you need something?
Iris: Of course! Your worst break up story.
Wally: My worst... what?
Iris: Your worst break up story. Oh come on, no one told you? I'm collecting everyones stories, so that when people are feeling down about their love life, they can hear about other's terrible misadventures, and feel a little bit better.
Wally: Oh. That's... sweet of you?
Iris: I know, right? It's brilliant. So, lay it on little brother. Your worst break up story.
Wally: I don't really feel comfortable with this...
Iris: Come on, please! Sit down, Wally, wait.
Wally: Fine, fine, I'll see what I can come up with.
...
...
...
There was this one girl. No, that's not a good one.
...
...
...
Well, there was her, but... no...
...
...
...
Umm...
Iris: Any day now.
Wally: Sorry! I just really can't think of anyone I've gone through a bad breakup with!
Iris: What is it with you and Jesse? Even Caitlin had one!
Wally: What's that supposed to mean? Caitlin has a very traumatic love life.
Iris: Ok, that's fair. Not a good example. Seriously, Wally. I just need one! It doesn't even have to be that bad.
Wally: Alright, fine, I'll tell you about Cindy.
Iris: Ooh... Cindy, huh?
Wally: Yeah. It was really a more angsty get together, though. She was my best bud Chris' girlfriend, but she had a crush on me.
I was completely clueless, but then, out of the blue, she just ran up in the middle of class and started kissing me, and how was I supposed to say no?
Iris: Boys.
Wally: Hey, it's not my fault. I don't think Chris really ever forgave me for that.
Iris: So what happened after that?
Wally: Well... nothing, really. She moved away. Chris switched seats on the bus. I was a loner once more.
Iris: Aww, poor little Wally.
Wally: Yeah. But, honestly, it wasn't that bad. It was just more...
Iris: Awkward?
Wally: Yeah.
Iris: Well, thank you for sharing, anyway. Trust me... that's nowhere near as bad as some of the stuff I've heard.
Wally: I suppose that's a good thing. See ya, sis.
Iris: Bye, bro.
HR:
HR: I heard that you were doing interviews! Well, consider me up for an interview.
Iris: Um... I guess it would be ok-
HR: Oh, I'm glad that you think so! Because I've had a very interesting life, and-
Iris: This isn't a biography, HR. I'm actually, uh, interviewing people to find out their worst break up story.
HR: Ah, I see, I see. Trying to make yourself feel better with the drama of everyone's catastrophic love lives?
Iris: ... Sure, we can go with that. Cisco actually mentioned you had an interesting story?
HR: Oh, IW, I have so many interesting stories you could fill a book. Oh, wait, that's a biography. I forgot."
Iris: Since when do you call me IW?
HR: Well... I suppose it'll be IWA soon, right?
Iris: Stop winking at me, HR, it's creepy. Just give me the story of your worst breakup so I can keep interviewing people. Please.
HR: Let me see... Ahh, this one's watery. Don't you say watery on your Earth?
Iris: Do you mean... juicy?
HR: Oh, is that what it is? Right, yes, anyway. It was the night of Carnaval Day, where families and friends all come together and eat cotton candy and hot dogs and ride on Ferris Wheels, and spend time at a Carnaval all day long.
Iris: We don't have that on our Earth.
HR: You don't have very many fun traditions here. Carnaval day was my favorite day of the year... until, off course, I was 20 years old. There was a young woman... I think her name was Christy?
Iris: ...You don't remember?
HR: Well, it was a long time ago. No, her name was definitely Christy. I convinced her, with much pleading and use of my famous puppy-dog eyes, to ride on a Ferris Wheel with me. Christy was a little bit afraid of heights, but in my youth I was an avid fanfiction reader and writer. A common plot is to have your first kiss up on a Ferris Wheel, when trying to distract your beloved from his or her fear of heights- my goodness, IW, are you choking?
Iris: No- no, I'm fine. The use of the word "beloved" just took me a bit by surprise. Continue.
HR: So, as Christy and I swung higher and higher into the air, I reached for her hand. Christy gave me an smile, and I gave her a sympathetic look in response. "I know these heights must be a bit scary for you," I told her. Christy looked confused. "What do you mean?" she asked me. "I'm perfectly fine."
Now I was sitting here, watching my fanfiction-to-real-life dreams go slipping through my fingertips. I simply couldn't let that happen, so I tried again. "Well, we're rather far off the ground. I would perfectly understand if you were afraid."
Now Christy was starting to look annoyed. She took her hand back, rolling her eyes. Oh, did she ever have pretty eyes...
Iris: You couldn't remember her name but you could remember her eyes?
HR: IW, one thing about me is I always remember a woman's eyes. They are like... the door into her soul.
Iris: I'm pretty sure it's a window, not a door.
HR: Who is the writer here?
Iris: HR, I'm a working reporter.
HR: Right, of course, I forgot.
Iris: Just keep on with your story.
HR: "If you knew this was going to scare me, why did you take me up here?" Christy asked me, sounding annoyed. "What if I had been scared? What would you have done then?"
"Well, my dear," I told her with my most gallant and charming tone, guaranteed to make any girl swoon. "I would have kissed your lips until you forgot all about the height, and-"
Iris: And?
HR: Well... I don't remember exactly what I said after that. It was all a bit of a blur, but I'm pretty sure she pushed me out of the Ferris Wheel- IW! Are you choking again?!
Iris: No, cough no, I'm fine, sorry. But she- she pushed you out of the Ferris Wheel?! How are you not dead?!
HR: I believe we were fairly close to the ground. To be completely honest, I never saw Christy again. It's entirely possible she got arrested. The events are a bit fuzzy. I suppose even the worst pain grows moldy with time.
Iris: ...Right. Um, thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're not... dead?
HR: Oh, me too, IW. If you'd like to hear another story I-
Iris: That is really quite alright, HR. Have a nice day.
JOE:
Iris: Hey, Dad!
Joe: Hi, baby girl. Remind me why I'm here, again?
Iris: Inquiring minds, mainly me, would like to know your most terrible break up story.
Joe: Oh, um, well. That's a bit... am I the only man above the age of 50 answering this?
Iris: At the moment, yes... does it matter?
Joe: This just seems like more of a... young person interview.
Iris: C'mon, Daddy, please? You never tell me about your old flames.
Joe: Well, uh, that's because. Well. I didn't really have any.
Iris: You didn't date one single woman before mom?
Joe: Alright, there was a girl or two. But, Iris, that was a long time ago. I don't even know if I remember their na...
Iris: Dad?
Joe: Hmm. Okay, something's coming back to me now. There was a young woman named Eileen that I dated back when I was... hmmm... 21? Man, that was a long time ago. So, Eileen and I had been dating for about seven months. We were pretty serious; had met each others families and gone on a vacation together and everything.
Iris: So what happened?
Joe: Well... we broke up.
Iris: There's no... story attached to this?
Joe: Why would there be a story? I don't have a crazy life like you young people. We decided that it wasn't going to work and we called it off. Other than your mom, it was the only time I had ever been dumped. And we don't need to talk about Francine right now.
Iris: Well then... thanks for talking to me?
Joe: No problem, baby girl. Good luck.
Iris: Thanks, Dad.
JULIAN:
Iris: Hey, Julian!
Julian: Uh, hello, mate. What's going on? Caitlin said that she was interviewed about her worst breakup. Seems rather unfair of you, bringing up bad memories like that.
Iris: That's not the point of this, Julian. I'm recording everyone's worst breakup stories so that when we are all feeling down about our love life we can read about each other's miserable lives and feel better about ourselves.
Julian: I see. So now you want my worst breakup story?
Iris: That would be great, thanks.
Julian: There was a girl named Hannah in high school that I dated. She was... gorgeous. Smart, too.
Iris: Like Caitlin, huh?
Julian: Yes, like- um, I mean... sure. Sure, I guess like Caitlin. Objectively speaking. I suppose.
Iris: Right, sure. You keep telling yourself that.
Julian: I will, thanks.
...
...
...
Iris: So... back to Hannah?
Julian: Right, yes. Back to Hannah. We met in science class our Junior year of high school. She asked me to be her partner for a biology project. I can't even remember what it was now, but I was quite pleased. I had had a crush on her since the start of school but I thought she was much too pretty for me.
Iris: Like Caitlin?
Julian: Would you stop trying to set me up with Caitlin?!
Iris: Sorry, sorry, I can't help it. Continue your story.
Julian: I will, thank you. So, Hannah and I worked on that project together and eventually grew closer. I asked her to Homecoming and we went as a couple. It was all very lovely and nice and I thought that I was the luckiest guy in the world.
Iris: So what changed? Why did you two break up?
Julian: Well, about a month after homecoming I got a text from Hannah. It read: 'See you tomorrow, Chris', with a heart emoji. Now I was incredibly confused... but also in denial. I thought, "oh! Chris must be her brother or cousin or some other relative or something of the sorts."
Iris: Ugh, that's rough.
Julian: Tell me about it. So, I texted Hannah back with a laughing emoji. 'Who's Chris?' I asked here. There was no response.
At school the next morning, Hannah approached me. "Hey, Julian," she said, acting like nothing at all had happened. Now I wasn't sure what to think. So I just let it drop. I really really liked Hannah, and I just couldn't believe that she could cheat on me.
Iris: So... what happened in the end?
Julian: Things proceeded like normal for a few months. Then, one day, I had to run back to my Chemistry class because I had forgotten my phone. I entered the room to find Hannah there too... snogging another guy.
Iris: Oh, Julian.
Julian: I realized then that she was cheating on me. I might have run out of the room crying, but maybe that bit can remain off the record?
Iris: Did you break up with her right away?
Julian: Never... officially. I dropped all contact with her. Blocked her number, unfollowed her on Instagram, stopped sitting with her at lunch and never, ever did another science project with her.
Iris: Wow. What a... not- break up?
Julian: So, what do you think? Am I the worst story you've gotten so far?
Iris: Well, I mean... Your's was definitely worse than a few I've gotten but... Cisco's ex sprouted wings and flew off with her eternal soulmate and HR's ex pushed him off of a ferris wheel, so...
Julian: Why am I not surprised that HR dated a murderer?
Iris: Anyway, thanks for your time and your story.
Julian: Let me know when your story comes out, I'd love to turn to it when I'm feeling down about my romantic life.
Iris: Like when Caitlin and you continue to dance around each other.
Julian: Did you just wink at me?!
Iris: Uhhh, have a nice day, Julian!
Author's Note: And that's a wrap! Hopefully I remembered mostly everyone and you all enjoyed :D HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! YOU CAN ALL BE MY VALENTINES I LOVE YOU SO MAAAACH :D :D