First Degrassi ff. Hope you like it? This first chapter zones in on Eli/Clare from her pov only because that was one of the MEGA cliffhangers from the mid season finale. But I will be going into the Alli/Drew story, Holly J./Sav, Jenna, K.C., Adam, etc. Help with ideas are always welcome ;)

Stand There and Watch Me Burn: Part 1:

The memories stained my mind. They tore at my heart. They made every single day feel like an eternity. I had two weeks to forget it. I couldn't take it. But I had to. Because today I would see him again. Today I would have to see his green, emerald eyes and wicked grin and try to get the image of a tear-stained, horrified, deathly broken body out of my mind. I'd have to confront him today. Or he would have to confront me, depending on whose side you looked. Maybe I would luck out. Not see him. Maybe that would be worse. I needed to see him. But I needed time to think about what I was going to say.

I wanted to confess to Eli every single emotion I had raging through my body at the moment that I thought I had lost him. I was scared, scarred, hurt, angry, pissed. My whole world was going to crash around my feet. And because I wouldn't slip the stupid pill in Fitz's drink. Because I went to the dance with him and not Eli. Because Eli blamed the stink bomb on him and I didn't take the blame. Because I couldn't stop him.

Reality hit hard when the bus came to a halt in front of the school. I slowly stood from my lonely seat and shuffled off of the vehicle and was faced with a sea of blue, some red and khaki. I held my books tightly to my chest and shuffled through the crowd, up the stairs and to the side of my best friend. She looked as depressed as I did, if not more. Alli just turned her gaze to me and bit her lip before entering through the main doors, being searched by a police officer. I followed suit, through a metal detector and held my backpack out for search. The cop looked her in my eyes for a brief moment before shining a flashlight into the bag and shuffling around. Then she patted me on the back and told me to proceed.

"This is rediculous," I whispered to my friend. "We're living in a police state."

Alli nodded as we stopped in the middle of the hall, watching as kids were searched. "Simpson did say that we wouldn't recognize this school. I just didn't know that would mean hideous uniforms and police at every entrance. I feel like I'm under house arrest." I chuckled.

There was the scratch of the TV and the swarm of students suddenly stopped and turned their heads to the monitor. An image of Sav Bhandari and Holly J. Sinclair popped up on the screen. They both looked depressed, regretful…scared? I tilted my head as the daily news began. Sav looked down at a book he held in his hand which read Degrassi Student Handbook on the cover. The school president cleared his throat and began to relay the new rules.

"As you all know," he began, voice breaking, "Degrassi encountered some unacceptable behavior during the Vegas Nigh dance just before the break started." Sav and Holly J. looked at each other for a brief moment and then quickly back at the screen. Holly J.'s face turned a bright shade of red. I remembered hearing one of the officers at the dance say that she found her stripping in an empty classroom. If my brain wasn't already exploding with terror, tension and…madness, it had finally tipped off the edge with the thought of Holly J….

I shook my head and focused back up at the screen. "And due to these actions, the school will be following up on strict and permanent actions as promised. As you already know, there is a new school dress code consisting of four different polo shirts, khaki pants for boys, and skirts and pants for girls. Boys will also be required to wear the school tie. Jackets and blazers can also be purchased. The school dress code must be followed at all times. School security has also been stepped up. Officers will be lined at every entrance and exit of the school and the doors will be lined with metal detectors. Random locker searches will also be happening every Monday and Friday. Later today, during your study period, you will proceed to an assigned room to have your photo taken for your school ID. IDs must be worn around your neck at all times, excluding P.E. There will be absolutely no tolerance for public displays of affection and students of the opposite genders may not be in the same classroom alone unaccompanied by a teacher or other classmates." Sav's face flushed as he looked over at Holly J. There were chuckles from students in the hallway. Sav quickly spat out the last rule before Holly J. closed out the program. "The boiler room is also off limits unless a pass is given by a teacher."

Holly J. cleared her throat and looked at the camera with a little more confidence. "Any student who decides to break these rules will serve detention on a first offence, suspension for three days on a second offence, two weeks suspension for a third offence and even expulsion depending on the offence. Parent-teacher conferences will also be arranged. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day."

The TV went blank and I turned my back to it, towards Alli. "I'm not looking forward to living my life as a handbook," she said, whining. "School was supposed to be my place to vent. To be myself. Free from all the rules and restrictions of my house. This is worse than staying at home. At least there I don't have to wear this crap." I nodded and stared at the ceiling. "And this whole security thing is such an overload. So one dude brought a knife to school. And it was Fitz for God's sake. It's not like he was on a mad rampage. We all know he was just trying to kill stupid Eli-."

My eyes widened and stared at the girl in front of me. She just pressed her lips together and held her books tighter. "I didn't mean…"

I sighed. "I know. I just…wish that he had just listened, you know? But he's always trying to prove himself as superior or something. He thinks he has to stand up to everyone and make them see he won't back down and he has to back down because I know next time Fitz isn't going to back down I mean come on, he almost stabbed him, next time what if he brings a gun? What if Fitz pulls a gun on next time? He can't just stab that into the wall-."

Alli grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of my over-obsessive safety rant. "Clare. I get it. He's an idiot. I think everyone knows that by now. The only question now is, what are you going to do about it?" I raised an eyebrow. What was I going to do about it? I couldn't force Eli to do anything. I've tried and look how well that worked out for me. It ended with the too close to death march for my…boyfriend. That's what she was asking. Alli rubbed my arm as she saw what I realized.

"I can't be with him if he's going to keep resorting to violence with his issues. And he knows that. So I guess all I can do is wait. For him to…change. But that's the hardest part."

Alli gave me a quick hug and smiled. "First period starts in ten minutes. And you're going to use that time talking to someone else. See ya, girly."

I opened my mouth to question but she just raised her eyebrows and walked away. The careful touch of a hand on my wrist made me jump. I spun on my heel to come face to face with none other than him. Alli had left so we could talk. Awesome. I just stared at the air around him, avoiding eye contact, and waited for him to say something. Because honestly, I was speechless. We stood in silence for the better part of two minutes.

"I understand why you said what you did," he spoke, softly, referring to the night of the dance. The last sentence I uttered to him before I left home. I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his. They were almost lifeless. Dull. Unlike the usual dark, mysterious, excited shine I usually saw. His face looked worn and full of remorse. He looked like he had had absolutely no rest over the past two weeks. I didn't have much either. Long nights, short mornings. Sitting around and not being able to get my mind off of what had taken place. Wondering if it was really real or if it was just some obscure nightmare. Hoping. Then realizing. Eli took in a short, sharp breath and deepened the stare, hand still loosely gripping my wrist. "I was an idiot and didn't listen. Because of me, you could have gotten killed. And that's what I'm most ashamed of." He paused. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I wanted to say something. Something like, 'It'll all be okay. Just don't do it again.' But I couldn't. I couldn't even budge my mouth open. We needed to talk. It's the thing every relationship dreaded. But you know what's worse? Waiting for it. So I just listened. "You were right. And you shouldn't give me another chance. I don't deserve you. I'm sorry."

Eli and I just stood there for an eternity, staring at each other. Too many words were going through my head to even comprehend what I was supposed to do. In my mind I wanted to cry and forgive him and hug him and make everything alright. But in reality, in my heart, I felt nothing. I was as emotionless as his voice sounded. Numb. And all I could do was watch him let my wrist go and walk down the hallway in his dark blue blazer, khaki pants and red shirt. I turned to watch until he turned the corner and was out of my view. Out of my sights, trying to push him to the back end of my mind and forget. But I couldn't. I couldn't. Do. Anything.