Beginning of an end
By jalpari
He walked into Pema's room as she sat on the bed arranging some clothes. He looked at her for a while. At the woman who had stepped up to the duties he had bound himself to. The woman who had given the world new airbenders, given him four children, and nurtured a loving family to keep Aang's legacy alive. His heart cared for her, admired her, respected her. He loved her...as his wife, as the mother of his children, as the loyal dedicated woman she was. But he had never been sure if it was the kind of love she had felt for him and probably wanted back from him.
He had made up his mind - it was time to share his thoughts with Pema. Over the last few days, he had found no way to convince himself otherwise. She had a right to know, even if it didn't seem like there was anything to know.
"Pema...do you have a moment? There was something...I wanted to discuss."
Pema looked up with a smile that slowly turned into a thoughtful stare on seeing his heavy expression.
"Tenzin...what is it? Are you alright? You seem...distressed."
Tenzin walked to the window by their bed, leaning against it facing her. Facing his wife.
"Pema...there is something I have been meaning to...there are things that have been occupying my thoughts over the last several months. I don't know how to even begin...or if this is the right…"
He let out a sigh, words eluded him and refused to form a coherent sentence. He could see her face filling with worry.
"With everything that has happened - understanding my imbalance, reaching a spiritual understanding of my flaws, the return of the airbenders, almost dying at the hands of Zaheer - I have been forced to...introspect on who I am, why I am here, where my life has led me. I have reached a point where I can no longer keep my thoughts to myself...keep them from...you."
There was a pause and a silence that hung heavy. Pema put the clothes aside and turned towards him, moving to the edge of the bed. Her mind was filling with confusing thoughts, tracing everything that had happened recently, trying to put a finger on what he could be referring to. She tried to remember if he had shown any signs. To her shock, she could not remember anything, at least not in any detail.
Since the arrival of the Avatar in Republic City, all of Tenzin's time and attention had been focused on the city, the growing unrest, the looming dangers first with Amon and Tarrlok, then with Unalaq, and Zaheer. Somehow along the way she had made her peace with this and retreated into her own world that revolved around the children, the new baby, and her duties at the temple. Somehow it had been easier than she expected to accept this new 'phase' in their marriage.
Over time, her giddy love had been replaced by a calm affection and mutual respect. But this was only natural in a relationship that spanned decades. What she hadn't realized was the moment when this had turned into an almost platonic relationship and began slowly diminishing into a vague shadow that followed them around - a mere passive form - in the name of 'marriage'. The more she thought about it, the more she shuddered at the realization.
Had he felt this too?
She suddenly didn't want to know the answer.
"Pema...are you listening?"
"Yes", she replied meekly.
"I want you to know how much your love and dedication means to me, Pema. What you have done, for me, for the air nation...I can't even begin to express my gratitude. These years have given me nothing but joy and the solace of a steady companionship. But…"
Pema looked up at him, her lips trembling in anticipation. But Tenzin had paused, searching for the appropriate words. Pema's thoughts had condensed into a clear pool of thoughts, like a mirror in which she saw herself clearly after a long time. The longer she reflected, the more obvious it became to her, that this moment had probably always been inevitable. Although she couldn't put her finger on the exact moment or even the exact reason, a voice inside her told her that this shouldn't surprise her. Dreadful as the thought was, there was only this much space in his life and heart that she was meant to occupy.
"But every phase of life has its purpose." She completed his sentence, her voice trailing off towards the end.
Tenzin was shocked at her succinctness.
She understood?
A small part of him was grateful because his mind had begun to flounder, not being able to find the right words. It was even harder because he didn't know where he was going with this, what he wanted out of this discussion, or what how he expected it to end. All he knew was that it was time for Pema to know everything playing on his mind so far.
"I have felt a shift in my understanding of myself, of my life, of my choices. I had been holding on to a false perception of myself, my destiny, my purpose. And without even realizing it, I passed on these expectations and burden to you, in the name of duty."
"I regret nothing, Tenzin."
"Neither do I."
A stoic look came across Pema's face as she finally looked him straight in the eye. There was a pause. They looked at each other for several seconds, maybe minutes. It dawned on them both, that they were probably seeing...really seeing...the other after a very long time. When had they grown old? When did she get those gray strands in her hair. When did he get tiny wrinkles around his eyes. When had he forgotten how gentle and kind her eyes were. When had she forgotten how reassuring his gaze was. It felt like they were suddenly meeting each for the first time in years. Familiar yet distant. Old yet new. Belonging, but not.
"I have accepted many things of late. I have opened my heart to even more things. I've come to realize that any sense of purpose that is guided by anything other than love, truth, and acceptance is a folly that eventually catches up with us."
"What now…"
Pema looked down at her hands resting on her lap. Her anticipation grew with every breath.
"I am not sure, Pema. All I know is from this moment on, that is a decision for both of us to make, not me alone. And the first step for that was honesty."
She couldn't help but feel thankful for these words. A small wave of relief washed over her face.
"Thank you."
He could hear the dissipating worry in her voice. Her shoulders relaxed from their tight hold.
"I think", she began softly. "I think I see what you mean."