A World Sliced In Two: Brightheart

I never asked to lose anything. Not my friend Swiftpaw, not half of my face, not anything.

But I lost it anyway.

The thing about life is that you really can't just turn around, stroll back to the past and make a different choice, take a different step, plan a different 'now'. Once something goes wrong, you can't redo a single move.

You have to live with it.

This is probably what I, and probably many cats, had to do.

After all, real mistakes can't truly be erased. There will always be a trace of evidence, something that was affected.

Mistakes always leave that tell-tale mark.

My 'tell-tale mark'? The remains of my face. I was even afraid to attend Gatherings after the dogs attacked me. I knew the cats there would stare. I knew they would glance at the ravaged side of my face and then turn away as if the mere sight hurt them, never looking deeper to glimpse the sadness in my one lasting eye.

I was ugly, too ugly to look at.

Every warrior has battle scars from past conflicts. Warriors carried their battle scars with pride. Mine was worst than most, and on the contrary I carried my 'scar' with regret.

In fact, I probably wouldn't have been able to make it through these dark days if Cloudtail hadn't helped pull me through, and supported me all the way regardless of how I looked on the outside.

I think even Swiftpaw would have been thankful.

I guess some part of us all knew that Bluestar just wasn't herself these days after Tigerstar's treachery was revealed. To be honest, the truth about Tigerstar shocked all of us.

For one thing, we apprentices had always admired Tigerstar for his strength. Heck, he could be harsh and scary on a bad day, but we thought he was great because his fighting skills were so amazing and unique. And he was great.

On the outside.

Now I can only shudder to think what deceitful thoughts he may have been thinking every time he was out on patrol, or talking with Bluestar. Planning inside his head on how best to murder the leader of the Clan he belonged to. Tigerstar really was an evil cat.

Bluestar was the most shaken out of all of us at the discovery of his wicked ways.

That would explain how her decisions back then weren't so wise.

Especially the decision that led to a mistake.

Cloudtail was the only one of the apprentices who was made a warrior, StarClan knows why.

But it wasn't fair.

Thornclaw, Swiftpaw and I were just as experienced, just as ready. But Bluestar only chose Cloudtail.

Why weren't we warriors too?

Swiftpaw decided he couldn't take it anymore.

"We can't just sit here and do nothing. We need to show Bluestar that she can't just ignore us. We deserve to be warriors."

I remember him saying this, quietly but with conviction, straightening his back and sitting tall. He looked like a warrior just then, determined and proud.

He was such a good friend to us.

Fernpaw and Ashpaw were younger and needed more training, so they weren't as disappointed as us. Thornclaw was hesitant, and in the end decided not to go with Swiftpaw wherever he was going. He stayed sensible.

Me? I couldn't let Swiftpaw go out alone. After a long night of careful thinking, I decided to go with Swiftpaw. Whatever the danger, we would face it together.

I guess I was a good friend too.

And so we set out to hunt down whatever had been taking all the forest prey. Whitestorm had said that it might be dogs, but I shook the thought away as I plunged through the forest behind Swiftpaw.

The fact that we were doing this was a huge mistake. The mistake that would cost Swiftpaw his life, and me, my face.

I remember it all vividly, as if I could see it all, with both eyes. I remember the freezing, pure terror that had shot through my blood, chilling my insides to the bone.

A big brown dog.

A pause as we stared at each other, our minds racing to comprehend the situation we had just threw ourselves into.

And a flash of black-and-white fur as brave Swiftpaw leaped at the dog, a hissing and clawing mass of fur. I fought too, with desperate blows and frantic lunges. Swiftpaw snarled and lashed out at the dog beside me, his fur spiked with horror. For a very brief moment, I wondered if he was regretting coming here, to Snakerocks.

I sure was.

At first it looked like the dog was going to run away, and we would win.

I was hoping and praying mentally to StarClan for all I was worth, and fighting with all the strength I could muster.

But more dogs came.

And…

It…

Happened.

Swiftpaw screeched my name.

"Brightpaw!"

Hearing his piercing cry, I whirled around, my mind a storm. I seemed to see it all in slow motion, which made it worse.

A spray of fresh red blood.

Ripped fur.

Blazing amber eyes that dulled in an instant.

A lifeless body, tossed to the ground.

Swiftpaw. Swiftpaw.

My brave, brave friend.

Killed.

Struck down like a warrior, slayed in battle.

The rest seemed to pass in a blur. I was soon knocked out. I can not recall how the dogs tore my face, nor do I want to, but I can remember at least my own hoarse and scarcely audible scream choked out as the world went dark with pain.

A mistake. What a mistake.

My last painful thought before I slipped into unconsciousness was only the simple, biting truth.

'Swiftpaw is dead. We should not have come.'

I… don't know how I would be able to face life if it wasn't for Cloudtail.

The white warrior stayed by my side every day in the medicine cat den as I was nursed back to health. He never flinched away from my wrecked face. Never.

He really cared for me.

At night I would have nightmares about big brown dogs barking, 'Pack, pack, kill kill.' and also about Swiftpaw, his voice calling out my name. I would wake up gasping for breath, my one eye wild with fear and feeling so sick I wanted to throw up. Cloudtail would wake up too, and reassure me endlessly until I felt better.

Cinderpelt often joked that Cloudtail would make a good medicine cat.

But of course, he was a warrior.

Back then, I wasn't sure at all that I could ever be a warrior.

I gradually healed. My other scars were still visible, but were faint now; bless dear Cinderpelt and her herbs. The only thing that could not be healed, no matter what, was my face. No matter how great, not even StarClan could bring back my eye.

And then Bluestar made another, terrible, decision.

She renamed me.

"Lostface."

You would not be able to even imagine the anguish I felt when I heard my new name being spoken to me. Everything seemed to snap into perceptive, so suddenly, every time my new name was uttered.

Swiftpaw was gone. My eye was gone. It was likely, very likely, that I could never be a warrior.

Cloudtail though, being the independent tom he was, still called me by my old name.

"Brightpaw," he would meow to me. Emotion would well up inside me every time he stubbornly insisted to use my old name. He said 'Brightpaw' suited me better.

Over time, I don't know how or when, Cloudtail grew more and more special to me.

"Brightpaw."

One day, Firestar took Cloudtail to see his kittypet mother, Princess. I tagged along too.

Princess seemed okay, and of course she was Cloudtail's mother, so I figured she was fine, at least for a kittypet.

When she looked at me however, it stabbed at my heart to hear her frightened squeak of dismay.

Frightened. She was afraid of me. Afraid.

I turned away. My heart was heavy.

Cloudtail gave his mother a firm look and introduced me. Princess scrutinized me like she felt pity for me. I felt morose behind words.

Pitied by a kittypet.

After we said goodbye to Princess, Cloudtail heaved a sigh. I knew he felt disappointed for me.

"That went well." He meowed bitterly. "Brightpaw, I'm sorry."

There was nothing to feel sorry for. I just wanted…well; I just wanted to see my face. I wanted to know what cats looked at me and saw. I wanted to know exactly why they found me ugly. I wanted to know why they pitied me.

Cloudtail and Firestar led me to a small puddle on my request. I remember dreading to see my reflection the whole way and hesitated before looking down into the water.

Then I knew. I realised. I felt suddenly completely drained of all energy, and had to lean against Cloudtail's shoulder. I couldn't think straight. I closed my eyes and sighed. My paws felt like stones. I couldn't move them.

And then I remember Cloudtail gently licking the undamaged side of my face, meowing something that made me want to cry; his words meant that much to me.

"You'll always be beautiful to me, Brightpaw."

While Bluestar was still leader, for a while I stayed with Speckletail in the elder's den. At first I protested to this outrageous idea- I was not an elder. But it turned out okay. Speckletail had also experienced, though not the same kind I was going through, and had gone through. Speckletail had just lost her deaf kit, Snowkit, to a hawk that had snatched him up.

Speckletail and I quickly grew close as we spent days together, just talking and sharing prey. And Cloudtail still came to visit me, every few hours. These days were fine.

I still missed training with my former mentor Whitestorm, hunting and play-fighting though.

I was relieved when our Clan finally drove the dogs to death.

Or, more specifically, Bluestar drove the dogs to their death, leading them over the gorge.

And sacrificing her life to save her Clan; us.

Suddenly it didn't matter that she had made some bad decisions in the last days of her life; decisions that had caused pain in both ways. She had been a noble leader. I would miss her.

She will join Swiftpaw in StarClan.

And now Firestar was leader. I knew he would be an excellent leader.

After all, he was so patient with me when I was recovering. He was a kind cat. And better than most kittypets I could mention.

One day I told Cloudtail what I wanted to do. I wanted to start training again.

He agreed.

And then another surprise popped up.

Cloudtail demanded to Firestar something that surprised me very much.

"Change her name." he meowed confidently.

Firestar seemed to approve of Cloudtail's offer. I felt my heart lift and sort of ache with a fierce joy.

I waited while Firestar consulted old One-eye, because it was such a rare ceremony, renaming a cat, that he didn't know the words to it.

I waited, fearing Firestar would change his mind, or One-eye wouldn't know the words to the ceremony. Either way, I would be stuck with the name, 'Lostface' forever if some cat didn't do something about it.

I shivered, and Cloudtail curled his tail even tighter around me. We were both so full of hope and so stiff with apprehension. It didn't feel uncomfortable though, but strangely pleasant. Cloudtail was here with me. He genuinely cared for me and looked out for me. That comforted me a lot.

Firestar approached me again. And what he told me made my heart leap wildly.

"Brightheart." Firestar renamed me. The Clan cheered my new name. The old unease whenever they called me 'Lostface' vanished. I had a new name, and they all approved of it.

Brightheart.

Cloudtail said it suited me well. It was the name of a warrior.

But would I ever be one? I wondered if the Clan needed me at all.

Cloudtail never forgot what I told him. He soon convinced Firestar that I needed training, that I really could cope with hunting and fighting if I tried.

Once Firestar agreed, we started my training. Cloudtail helped me invent new methods for hunting, and together we worked out completely different ways of fighting that would benefit my one eye.

Cloudtail was a great mentor. He was like Whitestorm just a bit. He was patient, understanding and persistent. He believed in me. There were often times in my training when I glanced around at him with my good eye and caught a glimpse of his white fur. These were the times when I most missed my former mentor Whitestorm, who had fur similar in colour to Cloudtail's.

But of course, Cloudtail was Cloudtail.

Whitestorm was Whitestorm.

Whitestorm had been a wise and noble mentor to me. Cloudtail was more than that. In a way, I owed my life to him. He brought me back into this world. Yes, he was more than that.

For one thing, he loved me, as more than a friend. And I felt the same. He cared about me. And I really, really, really cared about Cloudtail.

Then came the battle with BloodClan. Everything I had been re-taught was put to the test.

Firestar promised me that if I made it through this; I would leave the elders' den and take my rightful place in the warriors' den.

This I wanted more than anything.

Well, almost as much as I wanted to hear Cloudtail's purr of happiness.

I had to do this.

I had to help fight this battle.

We had to win.

Out of my whole life, compared to everything single battle I had ever fought…apart from the unexpected fight with the dogs that had brought about my wrecked face, the battle with BloodClan was my most desperate war.

I was dying to prove myself.

And I did.

Thank StarClan we won the battle.

Thank StarClan, and Cloudtail, that I made it through.

Swiftpaw? Can you see me now? Are you watching? Are you happy for me, your friend forever?

This is for you, Swiftpaw.

Cloudtail and I, it turns out we were meant for each other. I'll never forget the time when he finally plucked up the courage to say, "I love you, Brightheart."

And I'll never forget how happy I felt when I replied, "I love you too."

Now, we are blessed with our daughter, Whitewing.

Epilogue:

Of course, you all know about how I was jealous about Cloudtail spending so much time with Daisy.

I was jealous, and I thought for sure that Cloudtail had forgotten all about me, and how close we were, the past we shared, and how important we were to each other.

And when Cloudtail tried to train into Daisy at least a little warrior skills to fit into the Clan, I was seething inside, remembering when Cloudtail had once trained me when I was in need, and wondering how in StarClan he could be so inconsiderate of my feelings.

And it turns out Daisy didn't even need the training. She stayed in the nursery. She wasn't' meant to fight and hunt for the Clan. Figures.

Cloudtail is just naïve. He's a mousebrain like no other. It's so lovable.

He and I are close together again. That is all I could ever hope for.

Swiftpaw. This is for you. And I know, I know, that you're a warrior despite everything. Not an apprentice.

Swiftpaw, you are a brave, brave warrior.